Carnegie Hall

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FZ: Hello?

"Louie Louie"!

Hey . . .

FZ: This is a song about vegetables. They keep you regular, they're real good for you.

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah-eh-hey, the vegetable will respond to you
La-la-ah la-la, the vegetable will respond to you
La-la-ah la-la . . . oh

Call any vegetable
Pick up your phone
Think of a vegetable
Lonely at home
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah-eh-hey, the vegetable will respond to you
La-la-ah la-la, the vegetable will respond to you
La-la-ah la-la . . .

Ruta-bay-ayga, Ruta-bay-ayga,
Ruta-bay-ayga, Ruta-bay-ayga,
Ruta-bayyyyy . . .

No one will know
If you don't want to let 'em know
No one will know
'Less it's you that might tell 'em so

Call and they'll come to you
Smiling and covered with dew
Vegetables dream,
Vegetables dream,
Vegetables dream,
Of responding to you

Standing there shiny and proud by your side
Holding your joint while the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable something to hide?
To hide!
To hide!
To hide!

Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo
Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo . . .

FZ: You know, a lot of people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They think, "What can I say?" And sometimes they think, "Where can I go?"
Howard: Where can I go to get the runs in Manhattan?
Mark: At the City Squire Inn, at 312 Fifty— . . .
Howard: Where can I go to get castrated in Central Park?
Mark: At One Fifth Avenue Hotel in the heart of . . .
Howard: Where can I go to have my hemorrhoids lanced in Yonkers?
Mark: At . . .
Howard: Where can I go to get a rancid cowboy shirt in Hollywood?
Mark: At Art and Dotty Todd's rancid . . .
Howard: Where can I go to have a striped flag shirt made . . .
Mark: At Ro . . .
Howard: . . . so I can get the shit beat out of me?
Mark: At Roy . . . Ha hah!
FZ: Questions, questions, questions. Flooding into the mind of the concerned young person today. Oh, but it is a wonderful time to be alive, and I doubt that there is one person in this audience tonight that wouldn't agree with the concept that it's really great to be alive when you can consider the alternatives. (BURP) And there's one of them now. But I think there's one thing that we should all remember here in this . . . marvelous . . . CARNEGIE HALL . . . Ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck are we doing here? And there are other great questions to consider. The origins of various things that have been important to the development of civilization as we know it.
Mark: I almost cut my hair.
FZ: So few people know that "I Almost Cut My Hair" was co-authored by Elliot Roberts. But there's even fewer people who know the real mythical importance of the next few things that I'm going to explain to you. Now these, these few words, these phrases, which you— you could recite to yourself in sort of a mantra-like fashion, could, used properly under the suitable clinical conditions, provide infinite cosmic wisdom. And I know that's were— That's where all of you guys would like to be at anyway. Otherwise you wouldn't be staying here in New York, where it's all really happening. And to enable you to continue your great work, expanding your consciousness, developing into the citizens of tomorrow, we'd like to present to you at this time some helpful hints. They're in code, so you have to pay very close attention. Memorize the code and work it out when you get home. Here is the first coded message . . .

MUFFINS!
(YEAHH!)
PUMPKINS!
(YEAHH!)
WAX PAPER!
(YEAHH!)
CALEDONIAS, MAHOGANIES, ELBOWS
(YEAH!)
GREEN THINGS IN GENERAL . . .
And soon: A NEW RAPPORT! You and all your new little green & yellow buddies grooving together! Maintaining your coolness together! And worshipping together in the church of your choice, only in America . . .

God bless America
America, America . . .
(Sieg Heil!)
Land that I . . .

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train

Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yes indeed, that the vegetable will RESPOND to you

Howard: I am reminded of an ancient Roman fable. It seems there was this old centaur, about to cack. And he went down to the stream to look at his old and weary face in reflection in the pond, and he saw the aged lines, and he thought of all those orgies he'd attended, and he thought of all the grapes he'd had peeled for them of all those lovely little wood nymphos that he had taken behind the bushes in his youth. And all of a sudden a magical noise, and Pan—happy, fun filled, cherubic Pan, with his little flute—came right up behind the centaur and stuck his flute right up his ass. Which only goes to show the following message . . .

Any way the wind blows
Is fine with me
Any way the wind blows
It don't matter to me
'Cause I'm thru with-a fussin'
And-a fightin' with-a you
I went out and found a woman
Who is gonna be true
She makes me oh so happy now
I'm never ever blue
Any way the wind blows
Any way the wind blows

She is my heart and soul
And she treats me tenderly
Now my story can be told
Just how much she means to me
'Cause she treats me like she loves me
And she never makes me cry
I'm gonna stick with her
Till the day I die
She's not like you, baby
She would never ever lie
Any way the wind blows
Any way the wind blows

Now that I am free
From the troubles of the past
Took me much too long to see
That our romance couldn't last
Now I'm gonna go away
And leave you standing at the door
I tell you this, baby,
I won't be back no more
'Cause you don't even know
What love is for
No, you don't
Any way the wind blows
Any way the wind blows

Any way, any way, any way
Any way the wind blows
(Any way the wind blows)
Any way, any way, any way
Any way the wind blows
(Any way the wind blows)
Any way, any way, any way
Any way the wind blows
(Any way the wind blows)
Any way, any way, any way
Any way the wind blows
(Any way the wind blows)
Any way
Any way
Any way
Any way
Any way the wind blows
(Yeah!)
Any way
Any way
Any way
Any way
Any way the wind blows
(Yeah!)
Any way
Any way
Any way
Any way
Any way the wind blows
(Yeah!)
Any way
Any way
Any way
Any way
Any way the wind blows
(Yeah!)

Howard: Here's a little story I learned upstream in prison, Folsom Prison, 1968. Hey!

Hey!
Ha!

There was a man
A little ole man
Who lived in Montreal
With a wife and a kid
And a car and a house
And a teenage daughter
With a see-thru blouse
Who loved to grunt and ball—
And her name was Magdalena

Magdalena . . .

The little ole man
Came home one night
To his house in Montreal.
He caught his daughter
In a blouse by the light
And he said to himself,
"She looks all right!"
He reached for a tit
And grabbed it tight
And threw her up
Against the wall
(BLUE CROSS!)
Magdalena . . .

My daughter dear, do not be concerned
When your Canadian daddy comes near.
My daughter dear, do not be concerned
When your Canadian daddy comes near.
I work so hard, don't you understand
Making maple syrup for the pancakes of our land.
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?

Magdalena . . .

The little ole man
With the grubby little hand
Who lived in Montreal
Was drooling a bit
As he reached for a tit
And he said to himself,
"This is gonna be it!"
But the girl turned around
And said, "Go eat shit!"
And ran on down the hall.
Right on, Magdalena!

My daughter dear, do not be concerned
When your Canadian daddy comes near.
My daughter dear, do not be concerned
When your Canadian daddy comes near.
I work so hard, don't you understand
Making maple syrup for the pancakes of our land.
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?
Do you have any idea?
What that can do to a man?
What that can do to a man?
(Aynsley Dunbar!)

Magdalena, don't you tease me like this
In the hallway with your blouse and your tits
Wow if your mommy ever finds us like this
She'll call a lawyer, oh how mom will be pissed

DOODLE-OODLE-OODLE DOOT-DOO DEE-OOH
DOODLE-OODLE-OODLE DOOT-DOO DEE-OOH
DOODLE-OODLE-OODLE DOOT-DOO DEE-OOH
DOODLE-OODLE-OODLE DOOT-DOO DEE-OOH-WAH . . .

Magdalena, Magdalena, Magdalena, Magdalena,
Daughter of the New York City slums,
I'd like to take you down with me, babe,
To the corner, honey,
And get a Sabrett hot dog,
And take it on home,
Perform lewd acts,
And eat it while it's warm.
And, Magdalena, can you see us walking down to Village Oldies together, baby,
And searching for that Penguins record that always gave you an orgasm in the eighth grade, you know what I mean, honey?
I remember well,
Honey, we can go through Central Park together,
And we can watch the sun come up over the bunny things where you get your picture taken and put on a pin at the children's zoo,
And then, after that, after that we can have a rancid sausage sandwich on Bleecker St.,
Yes,
And you get that drizzly shits and fart all the way home,
Oh, can't you see it now, honey,
New York has so much to offer. Why it's a fucking summer festival,
Fun city,
And it's yours, baby,
(Walk, walk, walk, walk on back . . . etc.)
It's for you and me,
It's our oyster,
Now believe me, Magdalena, when I saw you yesterday in the hallway,
I didn't mean to grab your little tittie there,
I said, "My God, my own daughter, my flesh and blood,
I gave my sperm to this kid and now all of a sudden I'm hard as a rock,"
You know what I mean?
I reached out
And I pulled your little nipple closer to me, darling,
And your mommy walked in and said,
"Harry . . .
(Your mom will never know, your mom will never know . . . etc.)
Harry, what are you doing with Magdalena's nipple?"
There was nothing I could say, Magdalena,
(Please! Walk, walk, walk on back . . . etc.)
But if you just walk back to me, honey,
We don't need her,
We don't need Ian, we don't need George, we don't need anybody,
Magdalena, turn around under that DayGlo picture of Jesus we bought at the, at the, at the Night Owl, baby,
Come on, turn around, come back to me,
Your mom'll never know,
Your mom'll never know,
Your mom'll never know,
Your mom'll never know,
You gotta walk back, baby, walk back,
Come back to your daddy,
Please, Magdalena, I need you so,
Why, it'll just be you and me, honey,
We could take the Staten Island ferry together,
We can go see No, No, Nanette and Promises, Promises,
We can go to Shirley Bassey at the Waldorf-Astoria,
Why, there's nothing we can't do together, my darling,
Come back to your daddy,
It's you and me, Magdalena, for the rest of our lives . . .

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-yah!

Primer mi carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Help me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time

Fuzzy Dice
(Fuzzy Dice)
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
(My ship of love)
Is ready to attack

Buy me a carucha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Help me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time

Fuzzy Dice
(Fuzzy Dice)
Bongos in the back
My ship of love
(My ship of love)
Is ready to attack
Won't you please hear my plea
Won't you please hear my plea
Hear my plea, hear my plea
Hear my plea, hear my plea

Dit-dit-diddy-dit, dit-dit, dit-diddy-dit
Dit-dit-diddy-dit, dit-dit, dit-diddy-dit
Dit-dit-diddy-dit, dit-dit, dit-diddy-dit
Dit-dit-diddy-dit, dit-dit, dit-diddy-dit . . . etc.

Hear my plea, hear my plea
Hear my plea, hear my plea

Hear my plea, hear my plea
Hear my plea, hear my plea

Hear my plea, hear my plea
Hear my plea, hear my plea

Yeah!

Hear my plea, hear my plea
Hear my plea, hear my plea

FZ: Thank you very much. We'll play another conglomerate item for you now. This one blends together "Peaches En Regalia," "Tears Began To Fall" and "Shove It Right In."

Wow!
Tears began to fall,
The writing's on the wall
'Cause there was nothing I could say
She took the car and drove away
And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
That's when the tears began to fall
'Cause I ain't got no love at all

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Tears began to fall

Ay ay ay aaaah . . .
Ay ay ay aaaah . . .
Ay-ay ay ay-ay aaaah . . .
Ay-ay ay ay-ay aaaah . . .

And now I'm sittin' here all alone
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own
Without no love of my own

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall

Hey!

Tears began to fall and fall and fall
Down my shirt
'Cause I feel so hurt
Since my baby drove away

Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah
Tears began to fall
Tears began to fall
Wah-wah-wah-wah . . .

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The STARE!
The STARE!

(The 'secret stare' she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear)

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
(Ah-hoo-ah-hoo-ah-hoo-ahhhh)
(Ah-hoo-ah-hoo-ah-hoo-ah!)
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour!
She finishes her call;
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats!
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots;
Brushes her teeth;
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat . . .
(It's getting her, getting her
Hot—Oh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh)
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off,
A sad but typical case, yeah
The last dude to do her
Got in and got soft;
She blew it,
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah (yeah . . . )

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in, yeah!
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups,
(Yeah-yeah-yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;
Twenty or thirty at times there have been—
Somewhat desirable boys there—
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair—
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;
Twenty or thirty at times there have been—
Somewhat desirable boys there—
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair—
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

That's right, you heard right, shove it right in!
Pull it right out again!
And shove it in!

FZ: Thank you very much for coming to our concert tonight. Thank you.

FZ: We'd like to play something from our new movie. This is the last . . . This is the last piece of music in the film. It's the boogie from the Finale.

They're gonna clear out the studio
They're gonna tear down all the . . .
They're gonna whip down all the . . .
They're gonna sweep out all the . . .
They're gonna pay off all the . . .
(Oh, yeah!)

And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .

Hey hey hey, everybody in the orchestra and the chorus
Talkin' 'bout every one of our lovely and talented dancers
Talkin' 'bout the light bulb men
Camera men
The make-up men
(The fake-up men)
Yeah, the rake-up men
(Especially Herbie Cohen, yeah . . .)
They're all gonna rise up
They're gonna jump up
I said jump up
Talkin' 'bout jump right up and off the floor
Jump right up and hit the door
They're all gonna rise up and jump off!
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
And once again
Take themselves
Seriously
Yeah, two, three, four, seriously
They're all gonna go home
Through the driving sleet and rain
They're all gonna go home
Through the fog, through the dust
Through the tropical fever and the blistering frost
They're all gonna go home
Yeah, and get out of it as they can be, baby
And the same goes for me
(And the same goes for me)
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!

And each and every member of this rock oriented comedy group in his own special way
Is gonna get out of it as he can be
We're all gonna get wasted
We're all gonna get twisted
We're all gonna get wasted
We're all gonna get twisted
Yeah, and I am definitely gonna get . . .
REAMED tonight
'Cause I'm such a lonely
I'm such a lonely
A lonely, lonely, talkin' 'bout a lonely guy!

Oh, and I know tonight,
I am definitely . . .
I am positively . . .
I just have to get . . .
BENT, REAMED AND WASTED

A disaster area the size of Atlantic City, New Jersey!

What will you do if we let you go home,
And the plastic's all melted,
And so is the chrome?
What will you do if we let you go home,
And the plastic's all melted,
And so is the chrome?
WHO ARE THE
WHO ARE THE
WHO ARE THE BRAIN
POLICE
POLICE

What will you do when the label comes off,
And the plastic's all melted,
And the chrome is too soft?
What will you do when the label comes off,
And the plastic's all melted,
And the chrome is too soft?
WHO ARE THE
WHO ARE THE
WHO ARE THE BRAIN
POLICE
POLICE

Zappa!

What will you do if the people you knew
Were the plastic that melted,
And the chromium too?
What will you do if the people you knew
Were the plastic that melted,
And the chromium too?
WHO ARE THE
WHO ARE THE
WHO ARE THE BRAIN
POLICE
POLICE
POLICE
Yeah!
Who are the brain police?
Who are the brain police?
Who are the brain police?
Who are the brain police?
Who are the brain police?
Who are the brain police?
Who are the brain police?
Who are the brain police?
Who are the brain police?
Who are the brain police?
Who are the brain police?

FZ: Good night, boys and girls. We'll see you later.
Howard?: Good night . . .

FZ: Hello? Welcome to Carnegie Hall, ladies and gentlemen. I hate to ask you this, but if you could just be patient for a couple of minutes while we tune up the synthesizers it'll sound better.
Howard?: Ay!
FZ: It says, "Uncle Meat." Thank you for this. Ready? All right. Contrary to the way we normally run our program— Can you put a little bit more of my microphone on this monitor, please?—Wut-tut-tut . . .
Mark?: Talk, talk . . .
FZ: Hello. One. Ordinarily, when we start off a show, we start off with something really zippy and snazzy so that you get right into it, you know?
Mark: Three Dog Night.
FZ: Yeah. But I think this evening, because this is such an auspicious occasion—the desecration of Carnegie Hall itself—that we are actually going to deviate from our format, ladies and gentlemen. Now some of you might find this a little bit too deviated. However, the first selection that we are going to perform is a new piece—it's receiving its New York premiere at this time, and it's uh . . . You may think it's shitty when you hear it. What are you clapping for now? Well, but it's nice to know you're on our side.
Audience: Yeah!
Howard?: Right on, brothers and sisters. Woodstock.
FZ: Just send those groovy vibes right on up here to the stage. Just blow 'em right on up here.
Mark?: I'm eighteen.
FZ: Now, listen . . .
Mark?: Larry Fischer.
FZ: Up your own alley. Hah, hah . . .
Mark?: Wild Man Fischer, ladies and gentlemen.
FZ: The reason why some of you might find this a little bit too devious is because it's in German.

FZ: We will translate, as we go along, some of the more important facets of this particular piece. Before we begin, I will tell you a little bit of the story of the piece. It was constructed from an English text, which was translated into German. And then the music was written for the German pronunciation. And the story is about how the good Lord has created a sofa, his interest in home movies, and the relationship between his girlfriend and a hot, magic pig. Okay. Ready?
Mark: Yes.
FZ: One, two, three . . .

FZ: Once upon a time, way back a long time ago, when the universe consisted of nothing more elaborate than Mark Volman . . .
Mark: Oh, thank you, Frank. And hiya, friends! Oh, what a life! I mean to tell ya everybody is always asking me the same question, "Are you kidding?" I am not kidding. I feel great today. I am portly, and I am maroon. How many people out here in this audience can guess what I am?
Howard: I don't know.
Jim: Not me.
Ian: Not me.
FZ: No, I couldn't guess.
Mark: I'll give you some clues.
FZ: Alice Cooper.
Mark: Heh heh. Clue number one, I AM PORTLY. Yeah. Do you know yet? Well, then I'll give you clue number two. Clue number two and very important, I AM DOUBLE KNIT.
Howard: No, I still don't know what you are.
FZ: It's too obscure.
Mark: And clue number three, and I dedicate this especially to all the girls in the audience, ICH BIN MAROON.
Mothers: Ahhhh!
Howard: Why didn't you say so!
Mark: I knew it would give it away.

FZ: Once upon a time, way back a long time ago, when the universe consisted of nothing more and nothing less than Mark Volman . . .
Mark: Thank you, Frank.
FZ: . . . trying to convince each and every member of this audience that he was nothing more, nothing less, than a fat, maroon sofa, suspended in the midst of a vast emptiness—would you please turn down the monitors a little bit so they don't ring up here on the stage? After the monitors— Yeah, that's much better—, a light shined down from Heaven. And the voice of the Lord rang out. He was feeling really swift that day. And he was extremely taken with the plump succulent sofa.
Mark: Thank you, Frank, hiya friends.
FZ: And he figured if there's one thing that this sofa needs, it's a little moral support at Carnegie Hall. So he turned, in a Woodstock Nation sort of gesture, to the far corners of the universe and conjured up the celestial corps of engineers and asked them to construct something substantial beneath the sofa. And he did this with a little song. It goes something like this:

Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag
Unter diesen fetten, fließenden Sofa
(Sing along, all of you!)
Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag
Unter diesen fetten, fließenden Sofa

FZ: You got the words? Okay, "Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag; Unter diesen fetten, fließenden Sofa"

Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag
Unter diesen fetten, fließenden Sofa

FZ: And of course that means, "Give unto me a bit of flooring under this fat, floating sofa." And no shit, surprise, surprise, boards of oak appeared throughout the emptiness as far as vision permits, stretching all the way from Trona, California, to LeFrak City. And the Lord put aside his huge cigar, contemplated the substantiated sofa, and decided that the next phase of his universal operation must of necessity include a dramatic briefing, wherein he, the all-powerful force of the sky, would whip on the helpless little sofa the morbid details of their forthcoming relationship. In other words, God was gonna tell him where it was at just like a regular old Woodstock Nation acid flash. Get the picture, boys and girls? And so, he conjured up a small electric clarinet and played the intro to the hot number wherein the facts were revealed, and it went like this . . .

HEY!

Ich bin der Himmel
(He said, "I am the sky")
Ich bin das Wasser
("I am the water")
Ich bin der Dreck unter deinen Walzen
Ich bin dein geheimer Schmutz
Und verlorenes Metallgeld
Metallgeld!
Unter deine Ritze
Ich bin deine Ritze und Schlitze

Ich bin Wolken
("I am clouds")
Ich bin bestickt
("I am embroidered")
Ich bin der Autor aller Felgen
Und Damast-Paspeln
Ich bin der Chrome Dinette
Ich bin der Chrome Dinette
Ich bin Eier aller Arten

Ich bin alle Tage und Nächte
("I am all days and all nights")
Ich bin alle Tage und Nächte

Ich bin hier
Und du bist mein Sofa
(AIEE-AH!)
Ich bin hier
Und du bist mein Sofa
(AIEE-AH!)
Ich bin hier
Und du bist mein Sofa

"I am here
And you are my sofa"

Eddie, are you kidding me?
Eddie, are you kidding me?
Eddie, are you kidding me?

Ein Licht scheint vom Himmel herab
Kometen und alle rasenden Truemmer
Dunkle Gase und tiefgefrorene negative aus [...]
Zittern bei der Ankunft des Herren

FZ: A light shines down from Heaven, a dense ecumenical patina at the right hand of God's big sofa. And, oh lordy Lord, he was so pleased that afternoon. And things were a little bit slack up there in the sky and he figured he'd take a breather and relax, you know, after putting up the boards and having the sofa and talking to it and everything. And— A person in that position has got to have a hobby, so the first thing he did was get a D major chord and a choir of heavenly angels sang along with him:

Bring her zu mir
Das kurze Maedchen

FZ: Which means, "Bring unto me the short girl."

Und Squat, das magische Schwein

FZ: "And Squat, the magic pig." "Und das große Licht, das ich [...]," which means, "That big light I'm gonna use, 'cause we're gonna make a home movie."
Howard: Hey!

Howard?: [...] Guten Tag.

Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn
Du miserabler Hurensohn
Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten Schwanz
Ah-ee-ahee-ahhhhh!

([...])

Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn
Du miserabler Hurensohn
Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten Schwanz
Ah-ee-ahee-ahhhhh!

Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Magisches Schwein
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Magisches Schwein
Bis es spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt)
Feuer!
Bis es spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt)
Feuer!
Bis es spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt)
Feuer!
Bis es spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt), spritzt (spritzt)
Feuer!
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!
(Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa!)
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!

Fuck me, you ugly son of a bitch
You ugly son of a bitch
Fuck me, you ugly son of a bitch
Stick it out
Stick out yer hot curly weenie
Stick it out
Stick out yer hot curly weenie
Stick it out
Stick out yer hot curly weenie
Weenie . . . weenie, weenie, weenie!
(Aynsley Dunbar!)

Make it go fast, please
In and out
Make it go real fast
In and out
Make it go real fast
In and out
Magical Pig
Make it go real fast
In and out
Magical Pig
Till it squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts)
Fire
Till it squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts)
Fire
Till it squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts)
Liar!
(Three Dog Night!)
Till it squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts)
Fire
But don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa
Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa
Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa
(Don't get no jizz upon that sofa!)
Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa

I HEAR AND OBEY, SHORT GIRL!

FZ: Sheets of fire, ladies and gentlemen, sheets of fire.

Laken von Feuer

FZ: Sheets of real fire.

Laken von Feuer

FZ: Sheets of fried water.

Laken von gebratenen Wasser

FZ: And the Lord causeth the short girl to kneel and make mysterious gestures, and causeth her to speak forth in a pure, soft voice which he broadcasted throughout his greatest new PA system, and this is what she said, just a-, just a-, just a-, just a-swingin' through the trees:

Hit it!

Fick mich, Schwein
Bis meine Orchester dunkles Gas bläst
Funken schießem heraus
Sich Nebel lassen Hort

FZ: And of course that means, "Fuck me, swine, till my orchestra blows dark gas, sparks shoot out, and nebulas are revealed." Sheets of fire, ladies and gentlemen, sheets of fire.

Laken von Feuer
Laken von gebratenen Wasser
Laken von Drywall und Roofing

FZ: Sheets of drywall and sheets of roofing.

Laken von riesigen, tief-gefrorenen Rumba

FZ: Sheets of large deep-fried rumba. A light shines down from Heaven. A dense ecumenical bandana at the right hand of God's big rumba . . . And his voice pronounceth out in sheets of plywood and bales of old sportshirts.

Howard: What's he say?

FZ: And what he says is basically this:

Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Mein Sofa!

FZ: And of course that means, "Don't get no jizz on the sofa." Okay, it's time now for the zircon, I believe.

Ballen von Zirkon
Und alten Sporthemden, Sporthemden, Sporthemden
Laken von Feuer
Laken von Gummi

FZ: That's sheets of rubber, ladies and gentlemen.

Laken von Tränen

FZ: Sheets of real tears.

Boo hoo hoo hoo . . .

FZ: And last but not least, sheets of catalogs with enemas.

Laken von Katalogen mit Klistierspritzen, Spritzen, Spritzen, Spritzen, Spritzen

 

 

Bringing in the sheaves
Bringing in the sheaves
We will come rejoicing
Bringing in the sheaves
Say!

L.A. in the summer of '69
I went downtown and bought some wine
I wasted my head on three quarts of juice
And now the grapes won't cut me loose
I'm a wino man
Wino man
WINO MAN

36, 24, hips about 30
(36, 24, hips about 30)
Seen a fine lady and I started talkin' dirty
(Seen a fine lady and I started talkin' dirty)
She looked at me and raised her thumb
(Thumb, yeah)
And said: "Jam down the road, you funky-ass bum"
(Jam it down, jam it down, funky-ass bum,
That's no way to talk to a lady!)
'Cause you're a wino man
Don't you know I am?
WINO MAN

I, I went to the country
And while I was gone
A roller-headed lady
Caught me weedling on her lawn
I am so ashamed, 'cause I'm a wino man
And I can't help myself
HELP ME SOMEBODY!

I'm a wino man
Wino man
WINO MAN

My guitar playing
And my wino career are in a slump
'Cause I find myself now living
In a cardboard refrigerator box down by the Houston dump
And, oh my God, I'm so fuckin' ashamed of myself . . .
WHOOAAAH!

I've been drinkin' all night and my eyes are gettin' red
Well, I crashed in the gutter, I've got bugs in my head
Bugs in my coat, I've been scratchin' like a dog
I can't stand water, and I stink like a hog
Give me fi-i-i-i-i-ive bucks
And a hot meal
Give me fi-i-i-i-i-ive bucks
And a hot meal
Give me fi-i-i-i-i-ive bucks
And a hot meal
Give me FI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I. . .
Maybe an old overcoat or two
Maybe an old overcoat or two
Maybe an old overcoat or two
Oh, man! Do I love overcoats!

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena,
Don't you know?
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n um
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena,
Can't you see?
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask'n um
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

Ten long years I been lov'n her
And ten long years
And I thought deep down in my heart
She was mine
Ten long years I been lov'n her
Ten long years
I would call her my baby, and now,
I'm always cryin'
(I'm cryin', yes, I'm cryin')

I would be so delighted
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

I would be so delighted
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

Sharleena-leena
Sharleena-leena
Sharleena-leena
Sharleena-leena
I'm cry-y-y-y-yin'
I'm cry-y-y-y-yin'
I'm cry-y-y-y-yin'
I'm cry-y-y-y-yin'
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
I'm cry-y-y-y-yin'
I'm cry-y-y-y-yin'
I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
I'm cry-y-y-y-yin'
I'm cry-y-y-y-yin'
I'm cry-y-y-y-yin'
I'm cry-y-y-y-yin'
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena
For Sharleena . . .

Whoa, why doesn't somebody somewhere right here at Carnegie Hall, in the Big Apple, New York City, where you can go get a Sabrett hot dog in the corner and get the runs for a fuckin' month and a half!
(Hey!)
Why don't you send her home
Why can't you send my ever-lovin' Sharleena home
(Send my baby home to . . . )
Why can't you send her home to . . .

Me!

I
(My ay ay ay ay)
Must be free
My
(My oh my oh my oh my)
(My oh my oh my oh my)
Fake I.D.
Freeeeeees me
Gotta do a few things
To make my life complete
(SURE YOU DO!)
Gotta live my life
(Where?)
Out on the street
The difference between us
Is not very far
Cruising for burgers
In daddy's new car
My phony freedom card
Brings to me
Instantly
ECSTASY
ECSTASY
ECS-TA-SYYYYY

FZ: Thank you!

FZ:

Well, the next . . . Relax, ladies and gentlemen . . . I'll tell you what you're going to hear, that's "Billy The Mountain." We've added some things to "Billy The Mountain" since the last time we played it at the Fillmore. And if you're a real fanatic, you'll know exactly where they are. Okay, uhm, excuse me just a moment.

Guy From The Audience:

Where is the rest of the orchestra?

FZ:

You are the orchestra. For those of you who haven't heard this piece, uh, it's about half an hour long and it's pretty complicated. There's dancing, talking, singing and musical stuff in there. Do me a favor and please don't make any extraneous noise during the thing so that we don't get fucked up in the middle of it, okay?

Mark & Howard:

BILLY the Mountain
BILLY the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHELL,
A tree!
A tree!

BILLY was a mountain

FZ:

BILLY was a mountain.

Mark & Howard:

ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

FZ:

ETHELL was indeed a tree growing off of his shoulder.

Mark & Howard:

BILLY was a mountain

FZ:

A regular picturesque postcardy mountain.

Mark & Howard:

ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

FZ:

Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman.

Mark & Howard:

Billy had two big
Caves for eyes,
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down,
And whenever it did,
He'd puff out some dust,
And hack up a boulder
(HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK! HACK!)
Up a boulder

Mark:

Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a large Lincoln Continental and he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN. Now, that was right where Billy's 'foot' was supposed to be.

BILLY THE MOUNTAIN couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for ALL OF THOSE YEARS, and finally, now, AT LAST, his Royalties!

FZ & Others:

Royalties . . .
Royalties!

Howard:

Billy The Mountain, your royalties are here!

Mark:

BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! Oh, yes, and his eyeball-caves, they widened in amazement, and his cliff, well, it was a jaw, it dropped thirty feet!

A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders were hacked up, (hack! hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'!

Mark & Howard:

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It TOTALLED my car!

Oh, do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VALLEY?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar!

Mark:

By two o'clock, when the bars are all closed down, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN had already broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. And with dust and boulders everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . . .

Jim & Howard:

"ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!"

Mark:

Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL, like little old woman, any old wo—, any, any little woman, she of course was very, very excited! She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her.) BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . They were going to NEW YORK!

Jim & Howard:

"ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!"

Mark:

But first they would stop in LAS VEGAS . . .

Mark & Howard:

It's off to LAS VEGAS
to check out the lounges
Pull a few handles,
And drink a few beers,
(Oh, ETHELL!)

ETHELL, my darling,
you know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
(Oh, NEET-O!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year!

Mark:

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . . their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds

Jim & Howard:

"ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?"

Mark & Others:

(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)

Jim & Howard:

"Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?"

Jim:

The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . .

FZ:

And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF was . . . LUNCHED!

All:

(Lunched!)

FZ:

By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE.

Mark & Howard:

Good bye to LAS VEGAS
Farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles
We drank a few beers
(CHUG-A-LUG-A-LUG!)

Guess that GEORGE PONTOON
Should be on the air now
With the biggest new story
That has broken this year
(GEORGE PONTOON!)

His biggest new story
That has broken this year
(Take it away, newscaster George Pontoon!)

Jim:

Word just in to the NEW Nurz Service . . .

Mark:

Nurz Service?

Jim:

. . . undeniably links THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a Staten Island SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in Manhattan that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN in Philadelphia, Kansas City, Denver, Indianapolis, Queens, The Bronx, and other important cities in New York State will provide Mayor Lindsay the SECRET EVIDENCE he has needed to seek a CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION, increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of High School Teachers and Taxi Drivers throughout the EMPIRE STATE. However it is This Reporter's Opinion that ETHELL is a FORMER COMMUNIST . . .

Ian:

WITHIN THE WEEK

Don:

Jerry Lewis

Don & Ian:

had hosted a Telethon

Mark & Howard:

("Wah wah wah, nice lady!")

Jim:

to raise funds for the injured

Mark & Howard:

(the injured . . . )

Jim:

and homeless

Mark & Howard:

(homeless . . . )

Mark, Howard & Jim:

in Denver

FZ:

as BILLY had just levelled it

Mark:

and, a few miles right outside of town, BILLY caused a

Mark & Howard:

'Oh Mein Papa'

Mark:

in the Earth's crust, right over the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS where they keep the

Mark & Howard:

POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS

Mark:

just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . . .

FZ:

Oh, yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon, little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his stoop

Howard:

("Auntie Em!")

FZ:

squeezing his concertina

Howard:

("Auntie Em!")

FZ:

when a mysterious wind came up from the East

Howard:

("Toto . . . ! Come back, Toto!")

FZ:

and a mysterious wind that came up from the West

Howard:

("Auntie Em! Auntie Em!")

FZ:

and a mysterious wind that came up from the South

Howard:

("Toto . . . ! Toto . . . ! Auntie Em!")

FZ:

and a mysterious wind came down from the North

Howard:

("Auntie Em!")

Mark:

Oh, my God!

Howard:

"Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow . . . "

Howard:

("Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Auntie Em!")

Mark:

. . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of

Mark & Howard:

THE MID WEST!

Mark:

Ye-es. Now, if I remember correctly, it was right outside of Pontiac, Michigan when BILLY was hanging out with the ALICE COOPER guys, you know what I mean, when he got his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAL. Now, lemme tell ya, ETHELL—and ALICE'S SNAKE—said, they weren't gonna let him go!

Howard:

"We're not gonna let you go, baby!"

Mark:

But GEORGE PONTOON, the RIGHT-WING RADICAL FASCIST PINKO PRICKO . . . NEWSCASTER from Los Angeles had this to say:

Howard:

Take it away, GEORGE PONTOON, the RADICAL RIGHT-WING FASCIST PINKO PRICKO NEWSCASTER from Los Angeles, hey!

Jim:

"We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED LUTHERAN MINISTER in PONTIAC, MICHIGAN, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she also practices . . . "

Howard:

(COVEN!)

Jim:

"WITCH-CRAFT!"

FZ:

It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSELF'! And that one MORTAL MAN, as you'd probably remember from the Fillmore East, was none other than STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP. Bring the band on down behind me, boys. And the details of STUDEBAKER:

Howard:

Now, some folks say he looked like IGGY STOOGE

Mark:

(Iggy Stooge, now)

Howard:

still others say

Mark:

(others say)

Howard:

nay and bullshit, man

Mark:

(bullshit, man)

Howard:

he was just born next to the Frozen Beef Pies down at the local GRISTEDES.

Mark:

([...])

Howard:

Still others say, Hey, fuck you, man . . .

Mark:

(others say . . . )

Howard:

He's just another crazy Italian who drove a RED SPORTS CAR, you know

Mark:

(crazy Italian . . .)

Howard:

But the funny thing was, nobody knew for sure, because he was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious

Mark:

(but nobody knows for sure 'cause he was so mysterious) . . .

Mark & Howard:

HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!

HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!

'Cuz when a person gets to be
Such a HERO, folks,
And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE,
You can never REALLY TELL
About a GUY LIKE THAT
(Whether he's really a NICE PERSON
Or if he just SMILES A LOT),
Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO',
Or what?

FZ:

Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what?

Mark & Howard:

Some men say he could FLY
Some men say he could SWIM
Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA),
And all the girls in FLUSHING
Would be AMAZED of HIM

Mark:

(Two, Three!)

Mark & Howard:

AMAZED of HIM!

Howard:

(Amazed!)

FZ:

Time passes . . .

Mark:

January

Howard:

February

FZ:

October

Jim:

September . . . 1921 . . .

FZ:

Montreal . . .

Howard:

Dangerfield's . . .

Mark:

1952 . . .

Jim:

1925 . . .

FZ:

John Dillinger . . .

Howard:

One Fifth Avenue . . .

Jim:

1970 . . .

FZ:

You're on the rag!

Jim:

1971

Mark:

Your mother's Pinto . . .

FZ:

Wednesday . . .

Mark:

I want a Pinto . . .

Jim:

Holy Thursday . . .

Mark:

Bill Cullen . . .

FZ:

She's only thirteen and she knows how to nasty . . .

Howard:

So when the phone rang
(Thank you)
In the secret briefcase,
A strong masculine hand
With a wristwatch

Mark:

And flexy bracelet

Mark & Howard:

GRABBED IT

Jim:

And answered
In a deep, calmly assured voice . . .

Howard:

Yeah?

Mark:

Studebaker?

Howard:

Yeahh.

Mark:

Studebaker Hoch, Secret Agent?

Howard:

Yeah!

Mark:

The same Studebaker Hoch, Secret Agent that plays conga drums on the new LEON RUSSELL album?

Howard:

NO! I told you never to call me on the purple phone!

Mark:

But . . . but . . .

Howard:

They're always listening.

Mark:

But, but, it's ME, LITTLE EMIL!

Howard:

LITTLE EMIL!

Mark:

LITTLE EMIL!

Howard:

LITTLE EMIL!

Mark:

LITTLE EMIL!

Howard:

Yeah, you got the code?

Mark:

I got the code. You got the pencil?

Howard:

I got the pencil.

Mark:

I got the code.

Howard:

Lay it on me.

Mark:

You got the pencil?

Howard:

I got the pencil.

Mark:

I got the code.

Howard:

You got the code. Lay it on me.

Mark:

Here comes the code.

Howard:

Here comes the code.

Mark:

One hen

Howard:

One hen

Mark:

One hen
Two ducks

Howard:

One hen
Two ducks

Mark:

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese

Howard:

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese

Howard & Mark:

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers
Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers
Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array
Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers
Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array
Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt
Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers
Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array
Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt
Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth
Ten lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep who haul quay around the quo of the quivvy of the quarry, all at the same time

Howard:

Oh! . . . Oh, my goodness . . .

Mark:

You got the code?

Howard:

I got the code.

Mark:

I got the pencil.

Howard:

Oh, my God. That's terrible. A mountain . . . ? With a, with a tree growing off of its shoulder . . . ? Oh, my God. Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? (Free Huey! Free Huey!) Can I fly there immediately and reason with him? Wow . . . An expense account? And per diem, too?

Mark & Howard:

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE!

FZ:

And he could dance like a son of a bitch. And just to prove it, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING LESSON, COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE and WINNIPEG RANGER NASAL SALUTE.

Mothers:

Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly . . . Hey!

THREE FROM THE EAST-UH
THREE FROM THE WEST-UH
THREE FROM THE NORTH-UH
THREE FROM THE SOUTH-UH

Howard:

THREE FROM THE LEFT NOSTRIL!

?:

Three from the right nostril.

Mark:

Three from the tongue.

Mothers:

RANGERS HO!

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly . . .

FZ:

STUDEBAKER HOCH . . . Mysterious . . . Provocative . . . Homunculus . . . So many rumors have spread about STUDEBAKER HOCH! Consider if you will the most recent one that appeared in SCREW, wherein STUDEBAKER himself was credited with the ability to write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin!

Howard & Mark:

Some men say he could write THE LORD'S Prayer
On the head of a
Head of a
Head of a pin
Ah!
(Three Dog Night!)
(Good God!)
(Say!)
(All right, all right . . . )

Other still maintain the FACT!

Joe Schermie, oh, my God! Good God! Good God!

Joy to the world . . .
One is the loneliest number that you'll e . . .
Liar, liar . . .

He was born next to the Frozen Beef Pies

FZ:

A Frozen Beef Pie for Elliot Roberts.

Mothers:

Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO DO DO!
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO!
etc.

Mark:

BEEF PIES!
He was born next to the BEEF PIES,
Underneath JONI MITCHELL'S autographed picture,
Right beside JAMES TAYLOR'S bulging Bank Book,
And next to
CAROLE KING'S contraceptives,
On the boat
Where DAVID CROSBY flushed all his stash,
So they took him away
And locked him up inside a big jail
And there he sang DÉJÀ VU
To himself until he got bail
And then he walked
Down the streets with McGUINN
Just before
Before he changed his name back to JIM
And he got his cape
From the BYRDS out of the cleaners

Mark & Howard:

FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!

(And that was the main influence on HIM!)

FZ:

Obviously that was the main influence on him.

Jim:

Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife

Mark:

(who ran a modeling school), WHEREUPON HE . . . HE ran around the back of the nearest A&P to find some big, un-used cardboard boxes

Howard:

After which, he hit up the nearest GRISTEDE'S for some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', and a pair of blunt scissors!

Mark:

And in the parking lot of the ONE FIFTH AVENUE (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking), he cut out some really, really, really NICE WINGS, and then he covered them thoroughly with foil!

Mark & Howard:

Thorough-LY wi-TH FOIL-L-L!
Thorough-LY wi-TH FOIL-L-L!

Jim:

Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . .

Mark:

He SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! And then he pulled down his blue denim policeman type looking trouser, and he spread even amounts of AUNT JEMIMA syrup all over the inside of his thighs!

Jim:

Soon the booth was filling with flies!

Mark & Howard:

(Help me, help me, help me!)

Jim:

He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in

Mark:

(Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those little cocksuckin' flies had gone into the phone booth with him, and they were lapping up all that good old AUNT JEMIMA syrup, well, he bent over and he put his own head between his legs and he said in a very, very clear, L. RON HUBBARD-type voice . . .

Mothers:

"NEW YORK!"

. . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!

Mark & Howard:

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

He's coating his legs
With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down!

His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!

Stoodlabaker Hoch
He's really outa sight!
Stoodlabaker Hoch       
He does it every night!
Stoodlabaker Hoch     
He treats the flies all right
STOODLA-BAKER HOCH
That's why they never bite, hey!

He could be a DOG
Or a FROG
Or a LESBIAN QUEEN!

(Fly to New York!)

He could be a NARK
Or a LADY MARINE!

Or he might play dirty!
He's OVER THIRTY!
(Getting old? Say! I don't know!)

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on

(Please to New York!
Fly to New York!)

Zappa!

 

Mark & Howard:

Fly to New York!

I don't know!

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on

FZ:

We'll join STUDEBAKER HOCH on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth. Take it away . . .

Howard:

BILLY? I've come to REASON with you! Your GREAT COUNTRY, America, needs you in the Armed Forces! It's all fair and square, your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running like this forever.

Mark:

ETHELL, she shook her twigs angrily, but STUDEBAKER HOCH, undaunted, UN-ferturbed, continued . . .

Howard:

Listen, you (cough cough) . . .

Mark, Howard & Jim:

Listen, you COMMUNIST SON-OF-A-BITCH! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for FILL DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECLAMATION . . . and your girl-friend here will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the (cough, cough) . . .

Howard:

GET THE PICTURE?

Mark:

Well, BILLY just laughed . . .

Jim & Howard:

HO, HO, HO!

Jim:

If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're CRAZY!

FZ:

Unfortunately, because STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth, and because BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth was a cliff, and because whenever BILLY THE MOUNTAIN talked and/or laughed his cliff went up and down thirty feet, STUDEBAKER HOCH lost his footing and fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below!

Mark & Howard:

Aaahhhhh . . .

Howard:

Oh, I broke my nuts . . .

Mark:

Oh! Well, my friend, STUDEBAKER, that should go and show you, and that should show you, and you and you, and you, and each and every one here tonight that . . .

Mothers:

A Mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)

Don't fuck with BILLY (No!)
And don't fuck with ETHELL
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies!)

DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!

With

Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly

Mark & Howard:

BIDDILLY
THE
MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!

FZ:

That's right, you heard right, BIDDILLY THE MOUNTIN-INN

Mark & Howard:

BIDDILLY
THE
MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!

Howard:

Good night!

FZ:

Thank you very much.

FZ:

I'd like to tell you something. I'd like to play an encore for you. But we have a union problem in this house. We have to leave the stage at exactly that time or it's gonna cost another $600. For us. We'd have to pay $600 to play for you. I would like to say this: I'll be happy to pay $600 to play for you. We're gonna do an encore now.

We'd like to dedicate this part of our program to the union men who are sitting backstage counting their overtime money.

And also to the people who make up those kind of rules and keep 'em inflexible so that you can't really work with the thing. You know what I mean?

FZ:

The mating call of the adult male Mud Shark . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

Howard:

Good God! Say! Do the Mud Shark!

Mud Sh-sh-shark . . .

Howard:

Take it away, brother Mark.

Mark:

Right now we're gonna teach you all a little dance called the Mud Shark. Now the last time we were here downtown a little way, we started contriving this dance called the Mud Shark. Tonight we're gonna teach each and every one of you how to do the Mud Shark. But before we teach you this dance, I'm gonna introduce to you my brother, Frank Zappa, and he's gonna tell us where the Mud Shark he come from. Take it away! Here we go!

FZ:

Before I tell where the Mud Shark came from, I would like to introduce the most recent addition to The Mothers Of Invention. I'd like to introduce members, the distinguised members of the foreign press, who have been on tour with The Mothers for a week, and they are going to actually perform the Mud Shark dance. They're right over in that area there, and they have the details, they know how to do it, so when we give you the instructions on how to do the Mud Shark dance, just look around, you'll see, they'll lead you around the room. You can trust them, you know, they're part of the group and everything.

The origins of the Mud Shark are as follows . . . Bring the band on down behind me, boys.

There's a motel in Seattle, Washington. It's called the Edgewater Inn. Has anybody ever been to the Edgewater Inn? . . . Then you know that the Edgewater Inn really exists. And you know that this Edgewater Inn is located on pier 67 in Seattle, Washington. That means that when you look out your window you don't see no dirt or nothing, there's a bay or something in your backyard . . .

This will enable the ingenious resident to participate in a little angling during his off-duty hours. Now in the lobby of the aforementioned motel there is a bait and tackle shop. They also sell knickknacks, doodads, and other necessary things that the people who like to go to Seattle and stay in such a motel could really get off on, they're real practical. China dogs, about like that. They also have a violin case that would hold several bottles of whiskey. Cute stuff.

But they also offer to the general public fishing tackle. That means you can go in there and for a couple of bucks you can buy a piece of line and some preserved minnows, some dried shrimp, or if you talk kindly to one of the bellboys you can get a plate of salmon bellies.

Now, you take this material up to your room, you open up the window, you stick the stuff on the end of the hook, you dangle it into the putrid bay out the backyard, and you wave it around for a few minutes in desperate hope that you will be among the lucky few who have actually captured the elusive Mud Shark. Or Dogfish as it is known in those parts. It's a shark about that long, gray and everything, with a sandy skin. And it can be very useful in conjunction with a young lady who likes to get reamed and porked with it, you know what I mean?

And this is true, there is a girl in Seattle, Washington, who's called the Mud Shark Queen. She introduced herself to us after a concert there recently, she looks like an enormous Alice Cooper. And she was the one that got it from the Vanilla Fudge with a Mud Shark.

Now, in order to commemorate this historic event, this landmark in rock & roll history, one of the great things that happened during the 60s, we've constructed this bold new dance for you. Let's Woodstock Nation out, ladies and gentlemen. Follow the instructions, and as you learn the Wood— No. As you learn the Mudstock, the Mudstock, just follow right on out the door because that's gonna be the end of the show, you know what I mean? Here's how you do it.

Mark:

Okay, now I'm gonna teach you this dance called the Mud Shark.

FZ:

You gotta do it all the way down Broadway!

Mark:

Now let me tell you, you gotta stand up, each and every one of you in this hall tonight, I gotta teach you this dance. And it starts with your right hand, your right hand and your right foot.

FZ:

And it won't hurt you.

Mark:

And you just swim. You know, you swim. It's kinda like Sly Stone says, you gotta do it together to do anything at all, you know what I mean? So get those hands up and swim.

Mud Sh-sh-shark

Mark:

Get 'em up, brother, get 'em up. Get 'em up. Come on, come on. Right hand.

Mud Sh-sh-shark

Mark:

Swim! Now, listen. Now we switch to the left hand and we swim a little bit. Come on, get that left hand. Come on.

Mud Sh-sh-shark

Mark:

Now I can see by the time on the wall, the old clock on the wall, it say . . .

Howard:

It's a dead fly.

Mark:

Now I wanna tell ya, now we do with two hands, and we swim, like getting in between some nice warm legs, you know what I mean? Yeah. Now, now this is the step we want you all to do together. Now this is just like, this is about as close as you can get, like Esalen Institute, you know what I mean? Ooh, Carnegie love. Yeah.

Now I'm gonna show you this with my brother Howard, and this is called spawning—Warren Spahning. What you do is you latch up, right hand to left hand in between the legs and you kind of hop. And we're gonna ask all of you to do this, so watch closely, and forget about what they taught ya.

Howard:

Really. Let's spawn a while now.

Mark:

Now listen to me.

FZ:

Just try.

Mark:

Everybody. Get in that. Come on.

Howard:

Come on now. Get down.

Mark:

Now what we're gonna do, we're gonna go up the aisle, and we want you all to join in.

Howard:

There go some people!

Mark:

Latch onto those people.

Howard:

Look at them! They're going up the aisle!

FZ:

Just link your hands between your legs and go on up!!

Mark:

We're gonna dance!

Howard:

They're doing the Mud Shark! Come on! They're doing the Mud Shark! Yeah, baby! Brother Mark, Brother Mark is gonna do the Mud Shark! Follow him, baby. Do the Mud Shark!

Mark:

Do the Mud Shark!

Now you're doing the Mud Shark!
You're doing the Mud Shark!
Wow! Mud Shark!

Wah! Do the Mud Shark!
Wah! Do the Mud Shark!
Wah! Do the Mud Shark!
Do the Mud Shark!

Come on, let's swim with them.
Do the Mud Shark.
Do the Mud Shark.

Do the Mud Shark!

Where's my brother Howard?
Where's my brother Howard?
Where's my brother Howard?
Where's my brother Howard?

Do the Mud Shark!
Come on!

Mothers:

Out (Come on!)
You go out (Everybody!)
So far out (Do the Mud Shark!)
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out (Out!)
You go out (You go out)
So far out (So far out)
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
Just go out
You go out (Come on)
And do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby (Do the Mud Shark)

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out (See ya!)
You go out
Good night!
Right up there!
Do the Mud Shark as you leave!
Go out, baby
Go out, you do the Mud Shark, baby!
Mud Shark, baby
Mud Shark
Mud Shark, baby

FZ:

Thank you very much for coming to our concert tonight! Good night!