Halloween

 

FZ:

Awright. This is it. This is the Big One.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Hi, Debbie.

Audient:

This is Frank Zappa on Halloween and he's like Guy Lombardo on New Years!!

FZ:

Awright. Let me tell you what I'm gonna do tonight. Tonight, since this is the Big One, we're going to play a very long show. I hope, I hope you people aren't in a hurry to get home. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Keep it. Ok. What am I supposed to do with this? Write on it? Alright. Look. Look. Here. Here. I'll tell ya. Whose was this? Hey! Don't mash each other. Move back. Now look. Hi! What we're going to do—for those of you who have been here before— Stop! Stop! Stop! Silence! Listen! Here. An important announcement: For those of you who have been here before John. We are going to play a whole— We're gonna play a whole collection of stuff that we don't normally do. But before we do that we are going to play our normal show for those of you who haven't seen any of the other shows. So, if you already know the songs to the normal show, sing along. And if you don't, hope you enjoy it. Let me— Let me introduce ya to the members of our rocking teenage combo. This is Vince Colaiuta on drums. Arthur Barrow on bass. Patrick O'Hearn on bass. Tommy Mars on keyboards. Denny Walley on guitar. Peter Wolf on keyboards. Ed Mann on percussion. And a little bit later on, L. Shankar on violin. Ok. The name of this song is "Dancin' Fool."

One, two, three, four!

I don't know much about dancin'
That's why I got this song
One of my legs is shorter than the other
'N both my feet's too long
'Course now right along with 'em
I got no natural rhythm
But I go dancin' every night
Hopin' one day I might get it right
I'm a dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I hear that beat; I jump outa my seat
But I can't compete, 'cause I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool

The disco folks all dressed up
Like they's fit to kill
I walk on in 'n see 'em there
Gonna give them all a thrill
When they see me comin'
They all steps aside
They has a fit while I commit
My social suicide, I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
The beat goes on
And I'm so wrong
(Wrong)
The beat goes on
And I'm so wrong
(Wrong)
The beat goes on
And I'm so wrong
(Wrong)
The beat goes on
And I'm so wrong
(Wrong)
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
I may be totally wrong, but I'm a
Dancin' fool,
I may be totally wrong, but I'm a
Dancin' fool

I got it all together now
With my very own disco clothes, hey!
My shirt's half open, just t'show you my chain
'N the spoon for up my nose
I am really somethin'
That's what you'd probably say
So smoke your little smoke
Drink your little drink
While I dance the night away, I'm a
Dancin' fool, I'm a
Dancin' fool, I'm a
Dancin' fool, I'm a
Dancin' fool, HE'S A
DANCIN' FOOL

I may be totally wrong but I'm a
I may be totally wrong but I'm a
I may be totally wrong but I'm a
I may be totally wrong but I'm a
FOOL-yeah!

Say darlin', can I buy ya a drink?
(Ki-ni-shinai!)
Are you lookin' for Mister Goodbar?
You look like you're lookin' for Mister Goodbar.
(Ki-ni-shinai!)
Wait a minute . . . I've got it . . . you're an Italian!
Yer Jewish?
(Ki-ni-shinai!)
Love your nails . . .
What sign are you?

Girl Audient:

Pisces. Pisces!

FZ:

Oh, you like the water? Where's that little bag?

(Ki-ni-shinai!)

Wait, I can't sign all these things right now. I gotta sing a, I gotta sing a show. Whose was this? Ok.

(Ki-ni-shinai!)

(Ki-ni-shinai!)

Hi! How ya doin'? Come up here.

(Ki-ni-shinai!)

It's my little friend from TV, huh?

Girl from TV:

Hi!

(Ki-ni-shinai!)

FZ:

Okay. Lets do it, Lets do it again. Just like we were on television. Ready?

(Ki-ni-shinai!)

Are you looking for Mister Goodbar?

Girl from TV:

Yup!

(Ki-ni-shinai!)

FZ:

Wait a minute. I got it. You must be an Italian!

Girl from TV:

No.

FZ:

Yer Jewish? Love your nails.

(Ki-ni-shinai!)

You must be a Libra. No, what sign are you really?

Girl from TV:

Scorpio.

FZ:

A Scorpeeeeyo-oh. My goodness.

(Ki-ni-shinai!)

Your place or . . .

. . . mine?

This girl is easy meat
I seen her on the street
See-through blouse an' a tiny little dress
Her manner indiscreet . . . I knew she was
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy, easy
Easy meat, easy meat, easy meat, easy meat

She wanna take me home
Make me sweat and moan
Rub my head and beat me off
With a copy of Rollin' Stone
I knew she was
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy, easy
Easy meat, easy meat, easy meat, easy meat

I told her I was late
I had another date
I can't get off on the Rollin' Stone
But the robots think it's great . . . I knew she was
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy, easy meat
Easy, easy,
Easy, easy
Easy meat, easy meat, easy meat, easy meat

Easy
Whoaahhh! You know the girl's so easy
Easy
Ohhh, I saw her tiny titties
Through her see-through blouse
I just had to take the girl to my house
Easy
Meat

Ooh, the way you love me, lady,
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar,
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for sigh-IZE!
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for sigh-IZE!

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for sigh-IZE!
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for sigh-IZE!

Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooh
You got that kind of love that lingers
Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooh
This here bed's got magic fingers

Been a-rollin' in the bed since the show got out
Now I'm gettin' weak in the knees
Must have did it eighty, ninety times
It might have been a hundred
But you're the kind of girl that I really wanna please
You're the kind of girl that I really wanna please

Do you really wanna please me?
(You know I do)
Tell me why you do it
I really wanna know
(Well, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight)
You better tell me right away
Or I dress up and go!
(Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing)
You better tell me right away,
Don't you treat me cold
(HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!)
I'm holding it
(It's good for you)
I'm holding it
(It's good for you)
I'm holding it
(It's good for you)
I'm holding it . . .

FZ:

Alright, Halloween people, you can let go of it now!

Dreamed I was an Eskimo
Frozen wind began to blow
Under my boots 'n around my toe
Frost had bit the ground below
It was a hundred degrees below zero
And my momma cried:
You don't really look like an Eskimo
And my momma cried again:
You don't really look like an Eskimo
And my momma cried one more time: You don't really look like an Eskimo
Nanook, no no
Nanook, no no
Don't be a naughty Eskimo
Save your money: don't go to the show
Well I turned around an' I said:
HO HO
Well I turned around an' I said:
HO HO
Well I turned around an' I said one more time:
HO HO
An' the Northern Lites commenced t' glow
WATCH OUT WHERE THE HUSKIES GO
AN' DON'T YOU EAT THAT YELLOW SNOW
WATCH OUT WHERE THE HUSKIES GO
AN' DON'T YOU EAT THAT YELLOW . . .

. . . SNOW

Conehead . . . she ain't really dumb
She's just a
Conehead . . . 'tater chip crumbs
All over her face
Is there any more beer
Stashed away at her place? She's just a
Conehead . . . she can't help herself
She's a Conehead girl
Pitch her a ring
That is the thing
That's getting her hot-uh
A hoop or a ring
Goin' over the top of her Conehead
She is from a small town in France
'N she's a Conehead girl
You know
That's what she gives me is a wuh
Conehead
When she's on her knees
The point is so high
(High!)
I keep sayin' please
Keep it out of my eye, 'cause she's a
Conehead
Remulak
Remulak
Remulak
I'm comin' back
Remulak
Remulak
Remulak
Heh heh heh heh
Remulak
Remulak
Remulak
I'm comin' back
Remulak
Remulak
Everybody!
Remulak
Remulak
Remulak
I'm comin' back
Remulak
Remulak
Remulak
Har har har har
Remulak
Remulak
Remulak
I'm comin' back
Remulak
Remulak
Okay, Shankar, take it away!

 

In the dark
Where all the fevers grow
Under the water
Where the shark bubbles blow
In the mornin'
By yer radio
Do the walls close in t' suffocate ya
You ain't got no friends . . .
An' all the others: they hate ya
Does the life you been livin' gotta go, huh?
Let me straighten you out
About a place I know . . .
(Now get yer shoes 'n socks on people,
It's right aroun' the corner
Over by Delsener's house)
Out through the night
An' the whispering breezes
To the place where they keep
The Imaginary Diseases,
Out through the night
An' the whispering breezes
To the place where they keep
The Imaginary Diseases
That's right

And the an— the answer to your question is
In January. Ok?

Now you know
Scientists call this disease
Bromidrosis
And well they should
But us regular folks
Who might wear a tennis shoe
Or an occasional python boot
Know this exquisite inconvenience
By the name of:
STINK FOOT
That's right

FZ:

Wait a minute. You look, you look very familiar. Are you the guy—you're the guy?! C'mere. Get up here. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how many of you people were at the Garrick Theatre in uh '67, in the olden days. There's probably very few of you left but, way back when, there were, there were these two guys that used to come to all the shows back then. Called themselves Loeb & Leopold. Well. Maybe it was their real name. I don't know. What is your real name?

Audient:

Mark Trotiner.

FZ:

Yes. It's so nice to see you again. You know what this guy used to do? You know what his idea of a good time was in those days? He would run up onto the stage And he would take the microphone and he would scream into it as loud as he could and then he would lay on the stage and wait for me to spit Pepsi-Cola all over his body, right?

Whaddaya say? Heh heh heh. No, nevermind. He's all grown up now. That was ten years ago. It's okay. Yeah. Ok. Well, it's nice to see you again. Awright. Well I'll get a I'll get some Coca-Cola and give ya a little treat there in a while. Ok.

Scientists call this disease
Bromidrosis
And well they should
But us regular folks
Who might wear a tennis shoe
Or an occasional python boot
Know this exquisite little inconvenience
By the name of:
STINK FOOT
That's right

You know, my python boot is too tight
Couldn't get it off last night
A week went by, an' now it's July
I finally got it off
An' my girl-friend cry
She said, "STINK FOOT!
STINK FOOT, darlin'
Your STINKIN' FOOT puts the hurts on my nose!
STINK FOOT! STINK FOOT! I ain't lyin',
Can you rinse it off, d'you suppose?"
Well, here Fido, here Fido . . .
Bring the slippers, little puppy . . .
Yes, that's a good dog
And here he comes now
"Arf, arf, arf, arf!"
Sick!

FZ:

Awright. Awright. Awright, awright. Awreety, awrighty. Ok. Okay, now look. Let me explain something to you. Let me explain this to you. Just save the frenzy for the English groups. Hold it just a second. Listen. Here, here's my plan. Ordinarily, y'know, we've played in New York so many times and we do the same encore all the time. Now some of you people hate this song and some of you people wanna hear it. For those of you who hate it, sorry, we're gonna do it for the ones who like it. But we'll, we'll give you something else to go along with it. But the song in question— Here. C'm'ere. Okay. What's your name?

Michelle:

Michelle.

FZ:

Awright Michelle. Where's your friend? Okay. Bring your friend up here. Okay. What's your name?

Alice:

Alice.

FZ:

Michelle and Alice are going to be my assistants for this song. Now. You know the part here. Just stand right there. I'll join you momentarily. Okay? The name of this song is "Dinah-Moe Humm."

One, two, three, four!

I couldn't say where she's coming' from,
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty-dollar bill says you can't make me cum
(No way! Y'jes can't do it)

She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don't mind that she called me a bum,
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
(So I got down to it)

I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
But I still didn't hear no Dinah-Moe Humm,
Dinah-Moe Humm

Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Where's this Dinah-Moe
Comin' from
I done spent three hours
An' I ain't got a crumb
From the Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe
From the Dinah-Moe Humm

Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain't been to it
Got a spot that gets me hot
You ain't been to it
Got a spot that gets me hot
You ain't been to it
Got a spot that gets me hot
You ain't been to it
And I can't get into it
Unless I get out of it
And I gotta be out of it
Before I get into it
And I can't get into it
Unless I get out of it
And I gotta be out of it
Before I get into it

(She looked over at me with a glazed eye
And some bovine perspiration on her upper lip area
And she said, and I quote . . . )

Just get . . .

Michelle or Alice:

. . . me wasted
An' you're half-way there
'Cause if my mind's tore up,
Then my body don't care

FZ:

I rubbed my chinny-chin-chin
An' said my-my-my
What sort of thing
Might this lady get high upon?

The forty-dollar bill didn't matter no more
When her sister got nekkid an' laid on the floor
She said Dinah-Moe might win the bet
But she could use a little ______ if I wasn't done yet

I told her . . .
Just because the sun
Want a place in the sky
No reason to assume
I wouldn't give her a try

So I pulled on her hair
Got her legs in the air
An' asked if she had any cooties in there

(Whaddya mean cooties! No cooties on me!)

She was buns-up kneelin'
(BUNS UP!)
I was wheelin' an dealin'
(WHEELIN' AN' DEALIN' AN' OOOOH!)
She surrender to the feelin'
(SWEETLY SURRENDERED)
An' she started in to squealin'

Dinah-Moe watched from the edge of the bed
With her lips just a-twitchin' an' her face gone red
Some drool rollin' down
From the edge of her chin
While she saw the condition
Her sister was in
She quivered 'n quaked
An' clutched at herself
Her sister made a joke
About her mental health
Until Dinah-Moe finally
Did give in
But I told her
All she really needed
Was some discipline
So I said
Very succinctly, I said . . .

Kiss my aura . . . Dora . . .

Well, come on, you can do better than that, I mean, hey!

And the reason I said that was because, you see, it's real angora
Now, would you all like some more-a?
Right here on the flora?
An' how 'bout you, Fauna?
Do you wanna?

Awright. Now we're going back to the beginning of the song. This time, clap your hands please, and sing along with it if you know the words. Awright? Okay? One, two, three, four!

You can dance if you want.

I couldn't say where she's coming' from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty-dollar bill says you can't make me cum
(No way! Y'jes can't do it)

She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don't mind that she called me a bum,
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
(So I got down to it)

I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
An' you know I heard some Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
(Butch: Dinah-Moe!)
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
(Dinah-Moe!)
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
(Dinah-Moe)
Dinah-Moe
(Dinah-Moe!)
Dinah-Moe
(Dinah-Moe!)
Dinah-Moe
(Dinah-Moe!)
Dinah-Moe
(Dinah-Moe!)
Dinah-Moe . . .

Awright, awright, awright, ahargh-a! Ok, this— Thank you very much for assisting me with it. Awright. Now look. Th— that, that song has, uh transcended from the realm of the music— musical into the realm of folklore, you know. It's almost A ritualistic experience at this particular hall. Awright.

The name of this song is "Camarillo Brillo." One, two, three, four!

She had that
Camarillo brillo
Flamin' out along her head,
I mean her Mendocino bean-o
By where some bugs had made it red

She ruled the Toads of the Short Forest
And every newt in Idaho
And every cricket who had chorused
By the bush in Buffalo

She said she was
A Magic Mama
And she could throw a mean Tarot
And carried on without a comma
That she was someone I should know

She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn't done yet
She had gray-green skin
A doll with a pin
I told her she was awright
But I couldn't come in
(Actually I was very busy then.)

And so she wandered
Through the door-way
Just like a shadow from the tomb
She said her stereo was four-way
An' I'd just love it in her room

Well, I was born
To have adventure
So I just followed up the steps
Right past her fuming incense stencher
To where she hung her castanets

She stripped away
Her rancid poncho
An' laid out naked by the door
We did it till we were un-concho
An' it was useless any more

She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn't done yet
She had gray-green skin
A doll with a pin
I told her she was awright
But I couldn't come in

And so she wandered
Through the door-way
Just like a shadow from the tomb
You know, she said her stereo was four-way
(I bet it was, you know what I mean?)
An' I would just love it, hey, up in her room, you know?
(You know what happens when you go up there)

Well, I was born
To have adventure
So I just followed up the steps
Right past her fuming incense stencher
To where she hung her castanets

I chewed my way through her rancid panocha
She laid buck naked over by the door
We did it till we were un-concho, that's right!
And oh, God, it was useless any more
That's right! It was useless any more
(Put that bong down!)
Yes, it was useless any more

That's right, "Muffin Man"!

Girl, you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin
He hung around till you found
That he didn't know nuthin'

Sing along!

Girl, you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin'
No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin'

Now we're gonna stuff it in for you one time.

FZ:

Awright. Now this— This is gonna be the last song. This one here is gonna be the last song. The name of this song is "Black Napkins."

FZ:

Vinnie. Artie. Patty. Tommy. Denny. Petey. Eddie. And Shankie and Frankie say thank you for coming to the concert. Happy Halloween! And see you next year.

You say there ain't no use in livin'
'N it's all a waste of time
'N you wanna throw your life away, well
People that's just fine
Go ahead on 'n get it over with then
Find you a bridge 'n take a jump
Just make sure you get it right the first time
'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump

You say there ain't no light a-shinin'
Through the bushes up ahead
'N they all gonna be sorry
When they find out you are dead
I ain't gonna do no weepin'
Ain't no way I'll shed a tear
Just make sure you get it right the first time
Don't chump your suicide, my dear

Now maybe you're scared of jumpin'
'N poison makes you sick
But you really need attention
'N you need it pretty quick
Don't wanna mess your face up
Or we won't know if it's you
Aw, there's just so much to worry about
Now what you gonna do?
Go ahead on 'n get it over with then
Find you a bridge 'n take a jump
Just make sure you get it right the first time
'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump
Aw, chump it then

You say there ain't no use in livin'
'N it's all a waste of time
'N you wanna throw your life away, well
People that's just fine
Go ahead on 'n get it over with then
Find you a bridge 'n take a jump
Just make sure you get it right the first time
'Cause nothin's worse than a Suicide Chump

Now you say there ain't no light a-shinin'
Through the bushes up ahead
'N they all gwine be sorry
When they find out you are dead
I ain't gonna do no weepin'
Aw, there ain't no way I'll shed a tear
Just make sure you get it right the first time
Don't chump your suicide, my dear

Now maybe you're scared of jumpin'
'N poison makes you sick
But you really need attention
'N you need it pretty quick
Don't wanna mess your face up
Or we won't know if it's you
Aw, there's just so much to worry about
Now what you gonna do?

Go head on 'n get it over with then
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Go head on 'n get it over with then
Oh, why don't you kill yourself
(Go head on 'n get it over with then)
Oh, I can't be bothered with your bush
(Go head on 'n get it over with then)
Oh, think I'll go to the mini-bar
(Go head on 'n get it over with then)
And I'll drink way too far
(Go head on 'n get it over with then)
Oh, tear my eyes out with a corkscrew
(Go head on 'n get it over with then)
Oh, I think I'll even smell Midget's shoes
(Go head on 'n get it over with then)
Oh, you know it's too painful for me
(Go head on 'n get it over with then)
Oh, can't take it no longer
(Go head on 'n get it over with then)
Oh, gonna eat some worms
(Go head on 'n get it over with then)
Oh, gonna get some bad germs
(Go head on 'n get it over with then)
Go head on 'n get it over with then

FZ:

Tonight we'd like to do a song about an important social problem: Disco. It deals with lonely people with no natural rhythm impinging on each other in the darkness. It's called "Dancin' Fool."

One, two, three, four!

I don't know much about dancin'
That's why I got this song
One of my legs is shorter than the other
'N both my feet's too long
'Course now right along with 'em
Got no natural rhythm
But I go dancin' every night
Hopin' one day I might get it right
I'm a dancin' fool
(Dancin' fool)
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
(Dancin' fool)
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I hear that beat; I jump outa my seat
But I can't compete, 'cause I'm a
Dancin' fool
(Dancin' fool)
I'm a
Dancin' fool

The disco folks all dressed up
Like they's fit to kill
I walk on in 'n see 'em there
Gonna give them all a thrill
When they see me comin'
They all steps aside
They has a fit while I commit
My social suicide, I'm a
Dancin' fool
(Dancin' fool)
I'm a
Dancin' fool
I'm a
Dancin' fool
(Dancin' fool)
I'm a
Dancin' fool
The beat goes on
And I'm so wrong
The beat goes on
And I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
The beat goes on 'n I'm so wrong
I may be totally wrong, but I'm a
Dancin' fool,
I may be totally wrong, but I'm a
Dancin' fool

I got it all together now
With my very own disco clothes, hey!
My shirt's half open, t'show you my chain
'N the spoon for up my nose
I am really somethin'
That's what you'd probably say
So smoke your little smoke
Drink your little drink
While I dance the night away, I'm a
Dancin' fool, I'm a
Dancin' fool, I'm a
Dancin' fool, I'm a
Dancin' fool, HE'S A
DANCIN' FOOL

I may be totally wrong but I'm a
I may be totally wrong but I'm a
I may be totally wrong but I'm a
I may be totally wrong but I'm a
FOOL-yeah!

Say darlin' . . . can I buy ya a drink?
(Ki-ni-shinai!)
I mean, are you lookin' for Mister Goodbar?
Wait a minute . . . I've got it . . . you're an Italian!
(Ki-ni-shinai!)
Yer Jewish?
Love your nails . . .
You must be a Libra . . .
(Ki-ni-shinai!)
Your place or mine?

Girl from the audience:

Mine.

FZ:

Alright! Let's go!