One Shot Deal

George: Ah, look, you know they tried to tell me.
Napoleon: Whoa, get me out of gay Paris, oh yeah.
George: Lord, that broad in the bathtub was a man.
Napoleon: What did you say?
George: Oh, lord, don't you know he tried to tell me.
Napoleon: Did you see that string around her back, George?
George: Lord, that that broad in the bathtub was a man.
Napoleon: Oh, you know you gotta look so you'll understand ya'll.
George: Well, did you know the source I heard from was fairly reliable? Whoa, don't you know that [...] be jivin' sometimes [...] I told that fool, I said listen that, that was a man [...] jive around the big lips on them. I said that's got to be a lady.
Napoleon: You better, you better.
George: Look out!

George?: Ha ha ha!
FZ: I hope you're recording this.

 

Thank you.

That turned out pretty good.

 

 

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard he's on the loose
I heard he's on the loose
Lord, the pitiful screams
Of all them college-educated women . . .
He'd just be tyin' 'em up
(They'd be all bound down!)
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard it on the news
I heard it on the news
Bloomington Illinois . . . he has caused some alarm
Just sneakin' around there
From farm to farm
He's got a rubberized bag
And a hose on his arm
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump

The Illinois Enema Bandit
One day he'll have to pay
Some day he'll have to pay
The police will say, "You're under arrest!"
And then the judge would have him for a special guest
And then the D.A. will order a secret test
Stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
Then they'll put out a call for the jury folks
And then the judge would say, "No poo-poo jokes!"
They'll drag in the bandit for all to see,
Sayin' "Don't nobody have no sympathy . . .
HOT SOAPY WATER in the THIRD DEGREE!"
And the Bandit might say . . . (Ha ha!)

DID YOU CAUSE (What is it, Ray?) THIS MISERY?
(You see a good one down there?)
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
Well, one girl shout: "Let the Bandit be!"

BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY?
TELL ME, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS?
Another girl shout: "Let the fiend go free!"

BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY?
TELL ME, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS?
You know what he said?
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
(I believe that)
"It must be just what they all need . . . "

He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
"It must be just what they all need . . . "
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice

The Illinois
The Illinois
Ain't talkin' 'bout Fontana
Ain't talkin' 'bout Potato Headed Bobby
Talkin' 'bout the Illinois
Illinois
Enema Bandit
Juice

FZ: Alright!

No, no, don't eat it
No, no, don't eat it
No, no, don't eat it
No, no, don't eat it

Dreamed I was an Eskimo
Frozen wind began to blow
Under my boots 'n around my toe
Frost had bit the ground below
Was a hundred degrees below zero
And my momma cried:
Nanook! Nanook!
Nanook! Nanook!
Nanook! No no
Save your money: don't go to the show
And I turned around an' I said:
HO HO
An' the Northern Lites commenced t' glow
An' she looked at me with a tear in her eye
And she said:
WATCH OUT WHERE THE HUSKIES GO
AN' DON'T YOU EAT THAT YELLOW SNOW
WATCH OUT WHERE THE HUSKIES GO
AN' DON'T YOU EAT THAT YELLOW SNOW

Well right about that time, people,
A fur trapper
Who was strictly from commercial
(Strictly Commershil)
Had the unmedicated audacity to jump up from behind my igyaloo
(Peek-a-Boo Woo-ooo-ooo)
And he started in to whippin' on my fav'rite baby seal
With a lead-filled snow shoe . . .
I said:
With a lead
LEAD
Filled
LEAD-FILLED
With a lead-filled snow shoe
SNOW SHOE
Peak-a-boo
PEEK-A-BOO
With a lead
LEAD
With a lead-filled
LEAD-FILLED
With a lead-filled snow shoe
SNOW SHOE
And he said Peak-a-boo.
PEEK-A-BOO
He jumped up from behind my igyaloo
And he said Peak-a-boo
With a lead-filled snow shoe
Right on
Right upside the head of my favorite baby seal
He said Peak-a-boo
With a lead-filled snow shoe
Hit him on the nose and hit him on the fin
You know that got me just about as evil
As an Eskimo boy can be . . .

Got me evil as an Eskimo boy can be
So I reached down with my patented Nanook of the North whale blubber mitten
And I scooped down 'n I reached down 'n I bent down
An' I gathered up a generous mitten full of the deadly . . .
YELLOW SNOW
The deadly Yellow Snow from right there where the huskies go
And then, in a fit of anger
I pounced
And I pounced again
I jumped up 'n down on the chest of the . . .
I injured the fur trapper
And then I took my mitten with
The deadly Yellow Snow Crystals
And I proceeded to rub it all into his beady little eyes
With a vigorous circular motion
Hitherto unknown to Sydney
But destined to take the place of THE MUD SHARK
In your mythology
Here it is, hey!

Really cheap, isn't it?
God damn, that's cheap
That's so cheap we're gonna do it again . . .
That's enough. Okay.

Well, by that time
The extract of the Northern dog
Had induced in the fur trapper
A terrible case of temporary
Snow blindness
And he turned around
And he said:
I CAN'T SEE
(I CAN'T SEE . . . TEMPORARILY)
I CAN'T SEE
(I CAN'T SEE . . . TEMPORARILY)
WHAT IF THERE'S SOMETHING GOOD ON TV
(I . . . I CAN'T SEE . . . TEMPORARILY)
AND I CAN'T SEE
(I . . . I CAN'T SEE . . . TEMPORARILY)
He took a dog . . . a dog-doo sno-cone
An' stuffed it in my right eye
An' he took a dog-doo sno-cone
An' stuffed it in my other eye
An' the huskie wee-wee,
I mean the doggie wee-wee
Has blinded me
Temporarily
And, oh, lord, I can't see
Well here we have a deflicted fur trapper, folks
Wandering around in the middle of the
Desolate Northern wasteland
Can't tell where he's going
And he wants to get home in time to watch something good on TV
Well, he doesn't know it but he's got a lot of time
But he . . . maybe there's something that he likes
He has to fix up his eyes before he can watch the television so
Scratches underneath of his parka
Tries to figure out what he's gonna do
And remembers an ancient Eskimo legend
Where it is, it is written
On the little things that they write it on, whatever they are
That if anything bad ever happens to your eyes
As the result of physical combat
With anybody named Nanook
And if therefore
He rubs some dog doo crystals in your eye
And you have problems
(It actually says this, folks!)
That the only way that you can fix it up
Is you gotta go trudgin' across the tundra . . .
Mile after mile
All the way down to the
Columbia River delta
It's really funky down there, I'm tellin' ya
And he's gotta go down to find
The parish of Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo was the patron saint of
The smelt fishermen of Portuguese extraction
And he's gotta bust into the pantry
At Saint Alfonzo's parish
And he's got to locate
A mysterious elixir
Disguised as a box of mar-juh-rene
And his instructions are
To rub it on his deflicted eyes
Until some sort of miraculous cure will take place
In the next episode
We follow the fur trapper as he trudges across the tundra
Direct to Saint Alfonzo's parish
And it goes something like this . . .
Hoopla!

Well, here we are
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
Where I stole the mar-juh-rene
An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine
I saw a handsome parish lady
Make her entrance like a queen
Why she was totally chenille
And her old man was a Marine
As she abused a sausage pattie
And said why don't you treat me mean?
Hurt me (hurt me!), hurt me (hurt me!), hurt me, oooooh!
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
(Hah! Good God! Get off the bus!)
Where I sto-o-ole . . .
Where I sto-ole . . .
Where I sto-o-o-wo-wo-wole . . .
Woo woo woo . . .
The mar-juh-rene

Yeah, I made it down to Saint Alfonzo's parish, I did
Made it into the pantry down there
I finally discovered what I was looking for
I groped my way past the peas, and
I groped my way past the asparagus
And I groped my way past the cauliflower
Groped my way and I groped my way
I don't mind groping my way
And I groped my way and I found the mar-juh-rene
There it was, there was a little left over from the pancake breakfast
Reached in
Pulled out a lump of the stuff
Then I rubbed it on my right hand eye
And I took it and I
Rubbed it on my left hand eye
Started feeling a little bit better
And I contemplated on the mystery and the majesty of the mar-juh-rene
I said to myself the 'M' . . .
The 'M' of mar-juh-rene
Must under these circumstances
Symbolize
'Marsupial'
And the 'A' under these circumstances
Must symbolize
The constellation of Andromeda
And the 'R'
Under these circumstances
Must constitute—
'Ridiculous'
Which is what these circumstances actually are!
Then there's a hyphen
'M-A-R'
Don't lose the continuity, folks, there's a
'M-A-R,' hyphen
And as I said last night
And I'll say it again because I liked it
The first hyphen in mar-juh-rene
Could be used for erotic gratification
By a very desperate stenographer
'M-A-R,' hyphen, 'J' . . .
'J' . . .
Wha— What's a 'J' tonight, uh . . .
'J' is for Jesus, and we all know he loves you, ha ha ha ha . . .
Well, some of you people will go for that and some of you won't
What's the difference?
Just thought I'd throw it in. Then there's a 'U'
That 'U' is for everybody who believes what the 'J' stood for
And also we have a subordinate 'U' for the rest of you who go, "Huh?"
And then there's an 'H' which stands for
Or used to about two years ago, stand for 'homunculus'
And then there's another hyphen
'M-A-R,' hyphen, 'J-U-H,' hyphen
The second hyphen tonight, ladies and gentlemen
Could be used
Could be used . . .
Ha ha ha . . .
It could be used on you if you bent right over
And then—if you were very short, of course
And sensitive
'M-A-R,' hyphen, 'J-U-H,' hyphen, 'R'
There's another 'R'
This 'R' will stand for
'Rebus,' which is a puzzle with pictures in it
Then there's an 'E'
It's a very long obnoxious 'E' to the nth degree
And then there's an 'N'
Which is the 'N' of the 'E' with the nth degree
And then there's a tiny weeny dwindling-off little 'E' on the end of the thing
By the time I'd finished spelling mar-juh-rene
Correctly, including two hyphens
My eyes felt a lot better and I was ready for the next part of the song