200 Motels Shooting Script

[<< SCENES 84-90]
218 SCENE 91 Camera 3 and 4 looking into S. Camera 2 in B in front of Mark who is in front of Meredith, holding the sock/curtain. TK of Garrick Theatre footage (mute). TK SEQUENCE 6. Jeff is sitting on a small wretched suitcase with his guitar. 1. Cam. 4 / JEFF (singing to himself) CU JEFF How long? How long it gone take Fo dat mystery roach to dry How long, Yeah-oooh How long fo dat roach get dry 'An I can get down to it Play my blues all over Some heavy midnite jam session In Van Cooo-yea-oooh In Van Cooo-yea-oooh Yes, yes, people ... Vancouver, British Columbia, lawd! He picks the butt off the floor and scrutinizes it. He holds it up to the light ... He sings to it. Mystery roach, ah lawny-lawd Unfold yo mysterious karma fo me! Still fondling the mystery roach, he speaks. This fuckin' thing is still damp... I gotta find some way to dry it out quick ... I gotta write some of my new songs so I can quit the group and get a contract on Atco... like the Cream. He puts his guitar aside and, still examining the mystery roach, approaches Maybe if I turn on the TV and put the TV set. the mystery roach near one of the little vents where the hot vapors come out, it'll dry faster! 2. Cam. 3 / WA JEFF - TV set with an elaborate gesture, he flips on the set. While we ZOOM IN to JEFF'S amazed reactions we hear - as if coming out of TV screen ... MARK (distorted) (The light of the TV screen You have made your decision, is flickering on JEFF's face) you have decided to go all the way for the big super giant grand prize, and you have chosen the mystery thrill which lurks behind the magic curtain ...
219 SCENE 91 (Cont) 2. JEFF (to TV screen) At the editing stage, we This is sickening. can insert here a portion of the freeze frame. MARK (distorted) Are you ready for exotic gratifi- cation beyond your wildest, most depraved, legs-up-in-the-bath- tub-with-the-water-just-dribbling- out-a-little-bit-FANTASIES. LUCY (distorted) I am ready ... I am definitely ready! JANET (distorted) What's the deal? Open the curtain ! MARK (distorted) Well, then, here it is! 3. Cam. 2 / CU MARK Your thrill of thrills! MARK's hand zips back the curtain to reveal BILL GRAHAM in some horrible old rumpled clothes, squinting and unshaven, clutching the mysterious Aladdin style lamp. (At the editing stage, we freeze the opening frame of this shot, so that MARK appears to suddenly de- freeze) 4. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF What is this shit? Bill Graham and his Polish Mystery Apparatus? 5. Cam. 3 / WA JEFF changes the channel.
220 SCENE 91 (Cont) 6. TK SEQUENCE 6 The old MOTHERS OF INVENTION stock footage (silent) which appears in laid on the TV screen. The action includes Garrick Theatre footage of RAY COLLINS fucking a stuffed giraffe and drinking out of a toilet plunger. At end of film, Pre-recorded (sound only) prelude music to "I'm Stealing The Room" starts. 7. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF. He watches it for a few moments then And what is this shit? Some old grumbles. MOTHERS OF INVENTION movies? No wonder this group never made it ... Ray Collins is a great singer but Zappa always made him do perverted stuff. He coulda been something in Rock and Roll ... if he woulda played the blues and got a contract on Atco ... and never joined the Mothers ... He turns and faces the camera. Do you people have any idea what it's like to play bass in THE MOTHERS OF INVENTION? Back up crap to a bunch of comedy music? It gets you so tense ... really ... the tension in this group. (Just refer to the interview I did in the Melody Maker last year ...) After a while on the road with this group you start to go crude ... you want to break things ... smash things ... or steal towels and ash trays out of the motel room ... anything to relieve the tension. I know Ian feels the same way, even though he doesn't talk about it. He's been doing this comedy shit for so many years now. It's a good thing he's got a wife with big tits so he doesn't have to steal any ash trays.
221 SCENE 91 (Cont) 8. Cam. 3 / WA JEFF. He picks up the mystery roach and gives it a final thorough examination. 9. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF This thing is ready now ... just light it up and ... ssst ... mmmmff ... cough, cough ... mmmf ... this is great ... set ... sssssst ... mmmmff ... getting a groovy buzz and a bunch of flashes ... ssst ... hak, hak ... I ripped off some glass dealies from under the wheels of the bed once, I was so tense ... sssst ... sst ... MAN, this stuff is ...
222 SCENE 92 "I'm Stealing The Room" Orchestra; Group; Chorus. Back in the Motel Room (S) Jeff is going through his drugged contortions. The lighting and thunder continues. PROPS: Grubby motel towels; black burglar satchel; oversized rubber gloves. The Chorus are in front of the Orchestra. Cameras 2, 3, 4; looking into Area S and following Jeff's music contortions. Intercutting as directed between Cameras 3 and 4. 1. / As the effects of the mystery elixir take hold, JEFF's eyes bulge. 2. / ZOOM BACK JEFF is reeling. He twitches. His head jerks back. 3. / JEFF twitches all over. ZOOM BACK. 4. / JEFF is reeling in the opposite direction. He twitches. He freezes. 5. / His right arm rises slowly (the fingers grope toward some undisclosed object: the stack of motel towels). His left hand grabs it and struggles to keep it down.
223 SCENE 92 (Cont) 6. / JEFF dances with himself, holding his right arm, ZOOM IN to JEFF'S EYES. 7. / GONG CRASH CHORUS JEFF'S EYES widen. He freezes momentarily. 200 Motels. 8. / JEFF twitches violently. 9. / CHORUS His face contorts. 200 Motels Tan-Toon Ran-Tan Na-Na- Hanninnn. 10. / Crazed he looks around for the voices of the CHORUS. 11. / CHORUS JEFF looks manic. 200 Motels. 12. / JEFF (To CAMERA) I'm stealing the towels ... 13. / He dashes out of frame. 14. / CRAZED OPTICAL EFFECTS. THE CAMERA LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM FOR JEFF. 15. / He suddenly twirls in from behind the camera with an arm load of grubby motel towels.
224 SCENE 92 (Cont) 16. / He displays bunches of them to camera, suddenly flinging them all around the room. 17. / With a crazed gleam in his eye, he ducks under the camera's view. 18. / He rises again with a black burglar satchel and some oversize rubber gloves. (The dummy's monster hands) 19. / JEFF (to Camera) Putting on the gloves. I'm stealing the ashtray ...
225 SCENE 93 1 min. Camera 2 in Area Y Pre-record Close-up of Frank's eyeball. Zoom out to show Frank blowing smoke-rings. Parts of the later to freeze-frame by video disc.
226 SCENE 94 Pre-record (Sound Only) JEFF What if he's watching me ... stealing ashtrays ... what if he's watching me stealing the ashtrays and then he steals the idea of me stealing the ashtrays and writes a song about it and I have to act it out later ... he always watches me and listens to me. ...... I'm Stealing The Room (Cont) Cameras 2, 3, &4; looking into S, following Jeff Camera 2 shows 2 shot of Jeff and the watching eye! Sync. playback of Scene 92, inlaid on 2's shot. Smoke machine Orchestra play in background JEFF sneaks around the room, elaborately preparing to rip off ashtray number 1. He mumbles to himself ad lib. JEFF (VOICE OVER) (The voice of his thoughts filtered) What if he's watching me ... stealing ashtrays ... what if he's watching me stealing the ashtrays and then he steals the idea of me stealing the ashtrays and writes a song about it and I have to act it out later ... he always watches me and listens to me ...
227 SCENE 95 This Scene is an interchange between the deranged JEFF and his 2 voices of conscience. The first voice (on slight distort) belongs to Peter Townshend and appears to be coming out of a TV screen. The second (also on slight distort) belongs to Keith Moon and appears to be coming out of the wall. The Orchestra plays throughout. Orchestral P.A. to Motel Room (S) The Chorus sing - sometimes (as indicated) on camera. Camera 1; in Area Y showing VBCU of Chorus. Camera 2; CU Pete and/or CU Keith Camera 3; in Area S, showing over shoulder shots of Jeff and inlay. Camera 4; in Area S, showing CU's Jeff 1. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF He swiftly snatches Ha-Nin-Noo-Noon Tan-Toon-Ran the first ashtray and dumps it into the burglar bag, giving the camera a quick look in the bag and snapping it shut. PETE (VOICE OFF) No, Jeff! JEFF Tan-Toon-Ran-Toon-Han-Toon- Ranin Tan-Toon-Ran-Toon-Han-Toon- Ranin PETE (from TV, VOICE OFF) (The MUSIC stops) No No No! JEFF (to CAMERA) He looks around the Man! This stuff is great! room. It's just as if Donovan himself had appeared on my very own wall mounted TV ... with words of Peace, Love and Eternal Cosmic Wisdom!
228 SCENE 95 (Cont) 1. Continued (MUSIC Starts) He starts to grab Rani-Toon Toon Tan Toon Toon... ashtray No. 2. Leading me ... guiding me on He turns to paths of everlasting pseudo- CAMERA karmic negligence in the very midst of my drug induced ... 2. Mix Cam. 3 / JEFF 2 SHOT over JEFF's shoulder. We see ... nocturnal emission. inlay of Cam. 2. (CU Pete) on TV screen. PETE For I am your good conscience, Jeff ... I know all ... I see all ... I am the Cosmic Love- Pulse Matrix, becoming a Technicolor interpositive. 3. Cam. 4 / JEFF Hey? (MUSIC) Where'd you buy that incense? (MUSIC) JEFF tries to sniff the TV screen. It's hip. 4. Mix Cam. 3 / PETE It's the same mysterious and PETE is making exotic oriental fragrance as what mysterious holy the Beatles get off on. gestures. 5. Cam. 4 / JEFF I thought I recognized it. Mmmm... JEFF caresses the TV and sniffs it. 6. Mix Cam. 3. / PETE Jeff, I know what's best for you ...
229 SCENE 95 (Cont) 6. Continued JEFF Right. (MUSIC) You're heavy. ZOOM into JEFF. The inlay wall flashes with colors as KEITH MOON is about to appear. It distracts JEFF from the voice on the screen. 7. Mix Cam. 2 / PETE PETE in a cloud of smoke. Jeff, I am your guiding light ... listen to me ... don't rip off the towels, Jeff! 8. Cam. 4 / WA JEFF A ball of fire and an obviously cheap smoke puff fill the inlay wall area. JEFF jumps back. 9. Cam. 2 / KEITH (to Pete) CU KEITH Piss off, you little nitwit! 10. Cam. 4 / JEFF (to camera) CU JEFF Hay ... MAN! It's the REAL DEVIL ... he's got an English accent ... PETE (voice off, to Jeff) Don't listen to him, Jeff! He's no good ... he'll make you do bad things! 11. Cam. 3 / WA JEFF. Over his shoulder we see inlay of KEITH. He looks as ominous as possible, with a steaming brief- case in foreground.
230 SCENE 95 (Cont) 11. Continued ZOOM IN slowly. JEFF (to Pete) You mean ... he will make me sin? PETE (voice off) Yes, Jeff ... sin. 12. Cam. 4 / JEFF (amazed) CU JEFF. Wow! 13. Mix Cam. 3. / KEITH (leaning forward) CLOSE 2 SHOT, KEITH and JEFF Jeff, I'd like to have a word with you ... about your soul... 14. Cam. 4 / PETE (voice off) CU JEFF No! Don't listen, Jeff! 15. Cam. 2 / KEITH (confidentially) CU KEITH Why are you wasting your life... night after night ... playing this comedy music ... 16. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF You're right ... I'm too heavy to be in this group ... KEITH (voice off, disgustedly) Comedy music ... 17. Cam. 3 / PETE (alarmed) 2 SHOT PETE and JEFF inlay (Cam 2) Jeff! Your soul! 18. Mix Cam. 1 / CHORUS CU CHORUS Ooo Ahhh etc. You're wasting your life You're much too heavy, Jeff To be ...
231 SCENE 95 (Cont) 19. Mix Cam. 4 / JEFF (to Pete) CU JEFF ... in this group all I ever get to do is play Zappa's comedy music ... He eats. 20. Cam. 2 / PETE (shocked) CU PETE Jeff! 21. Cam. 3 / JEFF (to Keith) 2 SHOT JEFF and KEITH inlay (Cam 1). I get so tense ... KEITH (understandingly) Of course you do, my boy ... JEFF The stuff he makes me do is always off the wall! 22. Mix Cam. 4 / KEITH/CHORUS CU KEITH That's why it would be best to leave his stern employ ... JEFF And quit the group ... 23. Mix Cam. 2 / KEITH/CHORUS CU KEITH You'll make it big! 24. Cam. 4 / JEFF That's right! 25. Cam. 2 / KEITH/CHORUS Of course ... 26. Mix Cam. 3 / JEFF 2 SHOT WA JEFF and KEITH inlay (Cam 2) And then I won't be small!
232 SCENE 95 (Cont) 27. Super Cam. 1 / CHORUS WA CHORUS Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ... Ha Ha Ha ... He He He He He Ho Ho Ho Ho ... 28. Mix Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF Heh heh heh.
233 SCENE 96 I'M STEALING THE ROOM (Contd) Camera 2, 3 and 4 in Area S. Camera 1 in Area Y. Orchestra plays throughout. Cameras 3 and 4 follow Jeff's feet continuing crazed contortions. Intercutting as directed. 1. Cam. 3 & 4 etc ... / JEFF pirouettes. 2. He dances around the room examining the strewn towels and chooses one. 3. He drapes it over his arm like a waiter while he removes the elixir flask from his pocket. 4. He sparkles the elixir on the towel and tries to light it (with a cricket) as if it were a new form of mystery roach. 5. Cam. 2 / JEFF (to camera, like a TV CU JEFF. He takes pitchman) a hit on the vapors of the towels. ... mmmf ... ssst ... cough, cough, ... mmf ... Ahmed, Ertigan used this towel as a bath mat six weeks ago at a rancid Motel in Orlando, Florida, with the highest mildew rating of any commercial lodging facility with- in the territorial limits of the United States, naturally excluding tropical possessions ssst ... ssst ... mmjgspffftgmmp ... it's still damp ... what an aroma! MAN! This is the best I ever got off ... what can I say about this elixir? Try it on steaks ... cleans nylon ... small craft warnings ... It's great for the home ... The Office ... On fruits ...
234 SCENE 96 (Cont) 6. Cam. 3 / KEITH (Watching Jeff amusedly) 2 SHOT JEFF's SILHOUETTE and inlay This is the REAL YOU, Jeff ... of KEITH (from Cam. 1) Rip off a few more ash trays, get rid of some of that inner tension ... sort of get it together ... a person should quite get it, don't you think? Quit the comedy group ... 7. Cam. 4 / ... sort of get your own group WA JEFF in foreground. together ... heavy ... like MARK and HOWARD are GRAND FUNK RAILROAD ... seen entering in back- or BLACK SABBATH! ground. 8. Cam. 3 / PETE 2 SHOT JEFF & PETE'S inlay (Cam. No, Jeff! 1) 9. Cam. 4 / JEFF (to the smoldering towel) CU JEFF ... ssst ... or COVEN! 10. Cam. 1 / PETE CU PETE Peace! Love! PAN to KEITH. KEITH Bollocks! 11. Cam. 4 / JEFF (like an Announcer again) CU JEFF What can I say about this elixir? 12. Cam. 2 / HOWARD CU HOWARD Jeff has gone out there on that stuff! 13. Cam. 3 / 2 SHOT HEFF & PETE's inlay (Cam. 1)
235 SCENE 96 (Cont) 13 Continued JEFF (babbling Ad lib) PETE Try it on your He should never have steaks; silver- used the elixir ... ware .. and only stuck to the incense ... oh, Atlantis! The inlay screen is flickering out. 14. Cam. 2 / MARK CU MARK That was Pete Townshend dressed up like Donovan fading out on the wall mounted TV screen ... Jeff is flipping out ... road fatigue ... we gotta get him back to normal before Zappa finds out ... and steals it and makes him do it in the movie! 15. Cam. 4 / JEFF (babbling) CU JEFF ... delicate personal membranes, no shit, Howie, we just like musicians for friends ... 16. Cam. 2 / HOWARD CU HOWARD Oh, MAN! What is his STORY? 17. Cam. 3 / KEITH 2 SHOT JEFF & KEITH's inlay (Cam. You have a brilliant career ahead 1) of you my boy ... just get out of this group ... 16. Cam. 2 / HOWARD CU HOWARD What? 19. Cam. 4 / JEFF (babbling) CU JEFF ... latex Fauntleroy masseuse ... 20. Cam. 3 / MARK 2 SHOT MARK & HOWARD Howard! That was Keith Moon dressed up like Ginger Baker emerging larger than life itself
236 SCENE 96 (Cont) 20. Continued MARK (Cont) from the wall of the fake room giving career guidance to the bass player of a rock-oriented comedy group! Jeff's imagination has gone beyond the fringe of audience comprehension! We must communicate- nicate with him or he'll lose contact with Iggy in the crowd! 21. Cam. 2 / HOWARD CU HOWARD Jeff! It's me, Howard! 22. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF What can I say about this elixir? Yaghhh ... (The Walter Brennan noise). 23. Cam. 2 / MARK CU MARK Jeff! It's me, Mark! 24. Cam. 4 / MARK (to camera) CU MARK What can a person like myself say about this elixir? 25. Intercutting as directed. The three of them launch into a rapid fire improvisation on the many uses of the elixir. 26. Cam. 4 / JEFF (trying to return to normal) WA JEFF ... What ... Yaghhh ... What can I ... Yaghhh ... (whisper) What ... What can I say about this ... He goes into a horribly frenzied Walter Brennan seizure. Suddenly the music stops. Mysteriously JEFF has regained his com- posure.
237 SCENE 97 I'M STEALING THE ROOM (Cont) Camera 2, 3, and 4 looking in Area S. Orchestra plays throughout. Mark, Howard and Jeff have all put on plastic noses, moustaches, goatees to look like Zappa. 1. Cam. 2 / 2 SHOT MARK & HOWARD 2. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF Hi! 3. Cam. 2 / MARK & HOWARD 2 SHOT MARK & HOWARD Dwee Do Dee-oo-Poo Framminnn! Han-ninatt! 4. Cam. 3 / JEFF 3 SHOT JEFF, MARK & HOWARD Does this kind of life look interesting to you? Night after night, dinners with Herb Cohen, thrill-packed fun-filled evenings on the French Riviera at the MIDEM Convention, a fake tie, the whole bit ... watch Mutt eat and Leon feed the geese ... one thousand green business cards with your name and the wrong address plus six royalty statements Slowly ZOOMING inspected and customized by INTO CU JEFF. Ran Toon Tan, Han Toon, Framing and DEE, followed by 12 potential suicides as the members of your group, past and present find out they can't collect unemployment ... a dog, a car, an epidemic of body lice with your own record company, your Orchestral vamp name on the door, electric continues under. buzzer to the inner office and Ona's tits and three month supply of German bookings with tickets on Air Rangoon? Does this kind of life look interesting to you ... as a fake rock and roll guitar player in a comedy group?
238 SCENE 98 I'm Stealing the Room (conclusion) Camera 1; in Area E ) ) Camera 2; in Area B ) All looking at orchestra. ) Camera 3; in Area A ) Camera 4; in Area S following Jeff. Jeff is dressed with his false nose, moustache, goatee, etc. The chorus are now in Area C. Mirror needed for piano. 1. Cam. 1 / CU GONG. 2. Cam. 2 / CHORUS WA CHORUS. Two hundred motels! 3. Cam. 3 / CU RUTH. 4. Cam. 1 / CU XYLOPHONE & BONGOES. 5. Cam. 2 / CU CHIMES. 6. Cam. 3 / CHORUS MS HORNS. Two hundred motels! 7. Cam. 1 / Mirror Shot of piano keyboard 8. Cam. 2 / CU Marimba. 9. Cam. 3 / CU PERCUSSION drums. Tan-Toon Ran-Tan 10. Cam. 2 / Ran-Tan CU RUTH (orchestra drum set)
239 SCENE 98 (Cont) 11. Cam. 3 / Na-Na-Hamninn WA SOPRANOS & ALTOS IN CHORUS. 12. Cam. 1 / High Angle (mirror) shot of pianos. 13. Cam. 2 / Two Hundred Motels Full Shot of CHORUS. 14. Cam. 1 / Mirror Shot of piano keyboard. 15. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF (as Zappa) I'm stealing the room 16. Cam. 1 / High WA ORCHESTRA 17. Cam. 4 / I'm stealing the room CU JEFF 18. Cam. 3 / WA WOODWINDS. 19. Cam. 2 / WA CHORUS (vibrating throats with fingers) 20. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF Yaghhhhhhhhhh ... I'm stealing the ... (bar 175) I'm stealing the room 21. Cam. 3 / CU PERCUSSION DRUMS.
240 SCENE 98 (Cont) 22. Cam. 2 / CU PERCUSSION BONGOES. 23. Cam. 1 / CU TRUMPETS 24. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF I'm stealing the room. 25. Cam. 2 / SOPRANOS (Bar 178) CU SOPRANO I'm stealing the room. 26. Cam. 3 / CU TROMBONES 27. Cam. 2 / I'm stealing the ... CU SOPRANOS 28 Cam. 1 / CU MARIMBA 29. Cam. 2 / I'm stealing the room 30. Cam. 3 / TENORS CU TENORS Steel 31. Cam. 1 / SOPRANOS CU TRUMPETS Stealing I'm stealing the I'm stealing the 32. Cam. 2 / ALTOS LOW ANGLE of ALTOS stomping feet. PANS UP Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah legs to faces as they sing Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah sextolet figures. I 33. Cam. 1 / Mirror shot of piano keyboard.
241 SCENE 98 (Cont) 34. Cam. 3 / HORNS (declaiming) CU HORNS. I 35. Cam. 2 / VIOLINS (declaiming) MED SHOT VIOLINS I 36. Cam. 3 / FLUTES (declaiming) CU FLUTES Am. 37. Cam. 4 / MS JEFF in his room, struggling to pull off plastic ZAPPA nose. 38. Cam. 2 / CELLOS (whisper) MED SHOT CELLOS I am 39. Cam. 3 / BASSOONS (declaiming) CU BASSONS I am 40. Cam. 1 / CHORUS (sung) CHORUS Steel 41. Cam. 3 / TROMBONES (whisper) CU CU TROMBONES I 42. Cam. 2 / STRING BASSES (whisper) CU STRING BASSES Am 43. Cam. 1 / ORCHESTRA (whisper) WA ORCHESTRA Steel 44 Cam. 4 / CHORUS (sung) MS JEFF convulsing & Steel pulling off moustache and goatee with color (whisper) fx. I am steel
242 SCENE 98 (Cont) 44. Continued CHORUS (Cont) (sung) Steel Hummmmmm 45. Mix Cam. 1 / WA ORCHESTRA. ORCHESTRA continues playing to end of "I'm stealing the room".
243 SCENE 99 Sync-sound playback of last part of Scene 98. Camera 1, 3 and 4 are in Area C pointing towards a large 2001 slab against the cyc. As shot 45 (Scene 98) Mix to: 1. Cam. 4 / LOW WA of SLAB 2. Cam. 1 / Very High WA of slab showing trade mark insignia at top which reads: MARSHALL CAMERA PANS DOWN the face of the slab to the lower right hand corner to disclose the switch panel: power on-off, audio pressure, penetration, seismograph, auto- destruct and input. The music finishes. All is silent. 3. Cam. 3 / CU HAND. A hand reaches over and plugs in a guitar lead, then reaches for the various knobs. As the knobs are adjusted, the orchestra can be heard as they quietly begin to tune up for the finale. The hand reaches for the power switch and is just about to flip it when ...
244 SCENE 100 STRICTLY GENTEEL The Concentration Camp fun party romantic ending. Camera 1; in Area C ) ) Camera 2; in Area E ) All pointing towards A ) Camera 4; in Area B ) Camera 3; in Areas D & G (starts in D) Orchestra, Chorus, Narrator, Dwarf. Mothers. Dancers. The Group is on F with Jimmy Carl Black, Don Preston & Motorhead. Set in Narrator Desk. The Chorus are standing under the Conductor's left. Strike fences between Chorus & Orchestra, and gates. The Orchestra is tuning up quietly. All members of the cast are drifting around in the camp. RANCE takes a sip from the water glass on his desk and addresses himself to the camera: 1. Cam. 1 / RANCE WA RANCE This, as you may have guessed is the end of the movie. The entire cast is gathering here in CRANE down & the Centerville Recreational ZOOM IN Facility to bid farewell to you and express their appreciation for your attendance in this theatre. 2. Cam. 4 / WA RANCE He stands, turns, walks to a nearby stool with a spot light shining down ... other lights dim slightly. It might seem old fashioned to some of you, but I would like to join in on this song ... be- cause it's one of those senti- mental songs like you get at the end of a show. The kind of a song that the people in this movie might sing ... to let all
245 SCENE 100 (Cont) 2. Continued of you in the audience know that we really like you, we care about you ... and we understand how hard it is to laugh these days with all the terrible problems in the world ... THE SONG BEGINS: ORCHESTRA 3. Cam. 1 / RANCE HIGH MS RANCE Lord have mercy on the people in England For the terrible food those people must eat. 4. Cam. 4 / VBCU RANCE He burps! 5. Cam. 2 / RANCE HIGH MS RANCE Lord have mercy on the fate of this movie And God help the mind of the man in the street. RANCE gestures to the CAMERA, indicating that it should now point at the CHORUS. He conducts them. 6. Cam. 1 / CHORUS WA RANCE & CHORUS Help all the red necks and the flat foot policemen. 7. Cam. 4 / CU CHORUS With the terrible function they all must perform. 8. Cam. 1 / SOPRANO SU COPRANO SOLOIST And God help the winos & junkies and weirdos. 9. Cam. 4 / CU SOPRANO She sings a cadenza
246 SCENE 100 (Cont) 10. Cam. 3 / CU RUTH (Orchestra drums) 11. Cam. 2 / CU TUBA 12. Cam. 3 / CU TROMBONES 13. Cam. 4 / Finger snap! CU CHORUS 14. Cam. 1 / SOPRANO CU COPRANO SOLOIST And every poor soul who's adrift in the storm 15. Cam. 2 / CU WIND MACHINE 16. Cam. 4 / CU VIOLINS 17. Cam. 3 / CU PIANO KEYBOARD 18. Cam. 1 / CHORUS CU CHORUS Help everybody so they all get some action CRANE UP & TRACK Some love on the weekend BACK Some real satisfaction 19. Cam. 2 / CU CYMBAL 20. Cam. 3 / MOTORHEAD CU MOTORHEAD A room and a meal and a gar- bage disposal A lawn and a hose'll be strictly genteel. (CAMERA 3 now goes to G) 21. Cam. 4 / WA NEWT RANCH The VACUUM CLEANER comes out of the Newt Ranch, waters the lawn, and snorks some whipped cream.
247 SCENE 100 (Cont) 22. Cam. 3 / GROUP CU RUTH Orchestra Drum Set. 23. Cam. 3 / GROUP WA GROUP Concentration Camp Reach out your hand to the in background. girl in the dog book ZOOM INTO MARK & HOWARD The girl in the pig book & the one with the horse. . 24. Cam. 2 / CU HORNS 25. Cam. 3 / GROUP WA GROUP Make sure they keep all those business men happy And the purple-lip censors 26. Cam. 2 / JIMMY CARL BLACK CU JIMMY CARL BLACK And the Germans of course. 27. Cam. 4 / CU CONDUCTOR (The trumpets stand) 28. Cam. 1 / GROUP. ORCHESTRA & CHORUS CU CHORUS TRACK BACK & Help everybody so they all ZOOM OUT to get some action HIGH WA some love on the 29. Cam. 2 / CU TIMPS Weekend 30. Cam. 1 / HIGH WA Some real satisfaction 31. Mix Cam. 4 / CU PIANO KEYBOARD 32. Mix Cam. 3 / GROUP CU FRANK (singing) A Swedish apparatus with a hood and a bludgeon With a microwave oven, honey, how does it feel?
248 SCENE 100 (Cont) 33. Cam. 1 / CHORUS CU CHORUS Yeah! 34. Cam. 2 / CU BASS SAX. 35. Cam. 1 / Ah! CU CHORUS 36. Cam. 4 / CU HORNS 37. Cam. 2 / CU GUITAR 38. Cam. 1 / ) CU TIMPS ) ) Cam. 2 / ) CU BASS DRUM ) Intercut as directed ) Cam. 4 / ) CU RUTH ) 39. Mix Cam. 3 / WA GROUP 40. Mix Cam. 4 / Cu PIANO KEYBOARD 41. Cam. 1 / CHORUS WA CHORUS Ah! 42. Cam. 2 / WA FLUTE & PICCOLO 43. Cam. 1 / CU PERCUSSION 44. Cam. 4 / WA CHORUS Ah! 45. Cam. 2 / Cu VIOLINS 46. Cam. 1 / CU PIANOS
249 SCENE 100 (Cont) Mix 47. Cam. 3 / GROUP WA GROUP Lord have mercy on the hippies and the faggots And the dykes & the weird little children they grow 48. Cam. 2 / CU GROUP PIANO 49. Cam. 3 / GROUP WA MARK & HOWARD Help the black man 50. Cam. 4 / CU TRUMPETS 51. Cam. 2 / CU GROUP PIANO 52. Cam. 3 / GROUP WA MARK & HOWARD Help the poor man 53. Cam. 1 / CU VIOLINS 54. Cam. 3 / GROUP WA MARK & HOWARD Help the milk man. 55. Cam. 2 / CU GROUP DRUMS 56. Cam. 3 / GROUP WA MARK & HOWARD Help the door man 57. Cam. 2 / CU GROUP DRUMS 58. Cam. 3 / GROUP WA MARK & HOWARD Help the lonely neglected old farts That I know 59. Cam. 2 / CU GROUP DRUMS - P A U S E -
250 SCENE 100 (Cont) 60. Cam. 1 / RANCE (Spoken) CU RANCE It's been swell having you with us tonight, folks. 61. Cam. 4 / JIMMY CARL BLACK CU JIMMY CARL BLACK If your name wasn't on the list of blessings we been passing out, we don't want you to be pissed off 62. Cam. 1 / DON PRESTON Cu DON PRESTON We sort of ran out of time here, and we have to go ... our contract with United Artists limits the length of the film ... 63. Cam. 3 / MARK CU MARK And we still have a few things left to tell you, so, without any further hesitation, let me present my friend and musical associate Howard Kaylan ... PAN RIGHT to HOWARD ... who will deliver the closing benediction 64. Cam. 2 / CU GROUP DRUMS 65. Cam. 4 / CU BASS SAX 66. Cam. 1 / CU WIND MACHINE 67. Cam. 2 / CU POP GUN 68. Cam. 3 / HOWARD (singing) WA & ZOOM IN They gonna clear out the studio They gonna whip down all the ... They gonna tear down all the ... They gonna sweep out all the ... And they gonna pay off all the ... (CAMERA 4 now goes over to H)
251 SCENE 100 (Cont) MARK & HOWARD And then: HOWARD Everybody in the orchestra & chorus Every one of our lovely & talented dancers The light bulb men The camera men The make-up men 69. Cam. 4 / MARK CU MARK The fake-up men HOWARD steps into HOWARD shot And the rake-up men 70. Cam. 3 / CU JIMMY CARL BLACK JIMMY CARL BLACK Especially Herbie Cohen, Yea-oooh ... 71. Cam. 4 / MARK CU MARK They all gonna rise up! ZOOM OUT TO 2 SHOT HOWARD They gonna jump up I said jump up Jump right up on off the floor Jump right up & hit the door MARK They gonna jump up and run off 72. Cam. 3 / MARK, HOWARD & JIMMY CARL 3 SHOT BLACK MARK, HOWARD & JIMMY CARL BLACK They gonna ride on home They gonna ride on home They gonna ride on home 73. Cam. 4 / HOWARD CU HOWARD And once again take themselves seriously.
252 SCENE 100 (Cont) 74 Cam. 3 / MARK, HOWARD & 3 SHOT JIMMY CARL BLACK MARK & HOWARD & JIMMY CARL BLACK Yeah! 75. Cam. 4 / HOWARD CU HOWARD Seriously! 76. Cam. 3 / MARK, HOWARD 2 SHOT MARK & HOWARD Yeah! 77 Cam. 2 / GEORGE CU GEORGE They all gonna go home. 78. Cam. 3 / MARK, HOWARD & 3 SHOT JIMMY CARL BLACK MARK, HOWARD & JIMMY CARL BLACK Through the driving' sleet and rain! 79. Cam. 2 / GEORGE CU GEORGE They all gonna go home. 80. Cam. 3 / MARK, HOWARD & 3 SHOT JIMMY CARL BLACK MARK, HOWARD & JIMMY CARL BLACK Through the fog Through the dust Through the tropical fever And the blistering frost. 81. Cam. 2 / GEORGE CU GEORGE They all gonna go home 82. Cam. 4 / HOWARD CU HOWARD And get out of it as they can be PAN LEFT MARK And the same goes for me
253 SCENE 100 (Cont) 83. Cam. 3 / JIMMY CARL BLACK CU JIMMY CARL BLACK And the same goes for me 84. Cam. 2 / GEORGE CU GEORGE Mmmmmmmm 85. Cam. 4 / MARK, HOWARD & 3 SHOT JIMMY CARL BLACK MARK, HOWARD & JIMMY CARL BLACK Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! ZOOM into HOWARD HOWARD And each member of the band in his own secret way Gonna get out of it as he can be ZOOM OUT MARK, HOWARD & JIM BLACK We're all gone get wasted We're all gone get twisted 86. Cam. 3 / JIMMY CARL BLACK CU JIMMY CARL BLACK We're gonna get bent 87. Cam. 4 / MARK 2 SHOT MARK & HOWARD We're gonna get reamed HOWARD I am definitely gonna get reamed cause I'm such a lonely guy MARK, HOWARD Bent, reamed and wasted! 88. Cam. 3 / JIMMY CARL BLACK CU JIMMY CARL BLACK A disaster area the size of Atlantic City, New Jersey!
254 SCENE 101 The Orchestra Disaster Area Camera 1; in C Camera 2; in E Camera 3; behind the orchestra Camera 4; in D Orchestra; Chorus; Group (on F) ; Dancers; Rance etc. Frank now conducts the orchestra in a final disaster. Cameras 3 & 4 CU FRANK Cameras 1 & 2 As Directed At the end Cam. 1 / FRANK CU FRANK Goodnight, boys and girls. Thank you for coming to Our concert.


Special thanks to Charles Ulrich (scans) and Chayne Quinn (typing!).