200 Motels Shooting Script

[<< SCENES 67-83]
193 SCENE 84 PENIS DIMENSION Orchestra; Chorus; Group Camera 1; in Area B looking at M Camera 2; in Area J looking at M Cameras 3 & 4; starting in Area S and tracking back with procession. We begin inside the Motel Room. As the music starts up, the Motel Room disappears and a torchlight procession proceeds out of the Motel, up Main Street and into the Concentration Camp. Mark is still dressed (or undressed) as Janet. Jeff Beck " " " " as Lucy. Janet & Lucy are among the crowd and their dolly. Aynsley is there with his binoculars. The Chorus are dressed as members of the Klu Klux Klan. The Dancers are dressed as Centerville Citizens. Up at Concentration Camp, the towers are in and 3 fences only. 1. Cam. 4 / CU MARK Penis Dimension! 2. Cam. 3 / CU HOWARD Penis Dimension? 3. Cam. 4 / WA MARK Over MARK's shoulder we see inlay of WALL (from Camera 2) Inlay cringes out to reveal CITIZENS CITIZENS singing Penis Dimension Is worrying me! 4. Cam. 3 / WA Over Citizens' shoulders. ZOOM IN towards HOWARD HOWARD I can hardly sleep at night,
194 SCENE 84 (Cont) 5. Cam. 4 / WA CHORUS CHORUS At letter A, the 'Cause of Penis Dimension. CHORUS begin worrying extensively. 6. Cam. 3 / CHORUS WA PROCESSION Do you worry? The procession begins. Do you worry a lot? 7. Cam. 4 / CU CHORUS More CHORUS excessive worrying. Tearing their hair etc. 8. Cam. 3 / 2 SHOT MARK & HOWARD No! 9. Cam. 4 / CU CHORUS Even more agitated. 10. Cam. 3 / MS MARK MARK Who is asking the Do you worry and moan? CHORUS ... HOWARD ... That the size of your cock is not monstrous enough. 11. Cam. 4 / HOWARD CU HOWARD No! 12. Cam. 3 / CHORUS MS MEN CHORUS who ask HOWARD It's your penis dimension
195 SCENE 84 (Cont) 13. Cam. 1 / HIGH WA PROCESSION The PROCESSION has now reached the Concentration Camp. MOTORHEAD is sitting with the vacuum cleaner on the Newt Porch, watching. 14. Cam. 4 / CHORUS CU RANCE who opens the gates. Penis Dimension 15. Cam. 3 / The PROCESSION floods into the camp and settles down. The GROUP (on F) starts playing a vamp, and is cross- faded with the general orchestral diminuendo
196 SCENE 85 Camera 1; in Area C Camera 2; in Area E Camera 3; in Area E Camera 4; in Area D In the Concentration Camp. Group vamp continues under. The Dancers are in their Centerville citizens gear. Mark, now dressed only in a girdle and suspender belt, mounts a little rostrum which is bedecked with bunting and equipped with a crane-neck microphone, and proceeds as if to make a political speech. Rance has joined the procession. 1. Cam. 4 / MARK (to HOWARD) CU MARK Now just to be honest about it, friends & neighbors Did you ever consider the possibility that your penis ... 2. Cam. 3 / CU CHORUS Who look astonished. 3. Cam. 4 / CU MARK and in the case of many dignified ladies That the size of the titles themselves 4. Cam. 2 / CU LADIES OF THE Might possibly provide elements CHORUS who giggle of subconscious tension, Which affect our everyday lives 5. Cam. 4 / CU MARK Weird twisted anxieties, That could force a person to become 6. Cam. 3 / CU DANCERS A policeman! He clubs someone (canned hysterical applause) with a truncheon which shatters.
SCENE 85 (Cont) 197 7. Cam. 2 / CU DANCER A Jesuit Monk! (canned applause) He clubs the police- man with a cross which shatters. 8. Cam. 4 / CU JEFF BECK A Rock 'n Roll singer! (canned applause) He clubs the Jesuit Monk with a guitar, which shatters. 9. Cam. 3 / MARK (to HOWARD) CU DANCER A Wino! (canned applause) 10. Cam. 4 / You name it ... CU MARK 11. Cam. 2 / Or, in the case of the ladies ... CU CHORUS The ones who can't afford a silicon beef-up become 12. Cam. 3 / Writers of hot books ... CU DANCER (canned applause) 13. Cam. 1 / Carmelite nuns ... CU A DANCER (canned applause) looks to heaven as feathers sprinkle down. 14. Cam. 2 / Jockeys! CU KLU KLUX KLAN member, who reveals a jockey leg. 15. Cam. 4 / There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough already without the size of your organs. Adding even more misery to the troubles of the world. ZOOM OUT
198 SCENE 85 (Cont) 15. Continued If you're a lady with munchkin tits, You can console yourself with this age-old line from grammar school: "Anything over a mouthful is wasted. 16. Cam. 3 / (to CAMERA) And if you're a guy and you're ashamed of your dick and somebody hits on you one night in casual conversation And turns to you and says "Eight inches or less?" You just look that sonofabitch right between the eyes and say: ORCHESTRA MUSIC STARTS
199 SCENE 86 Camera 1; in Area C Camera 2; in Area E Camera 3; is behind the Orchestra Camera 4; in Area D Orchestra plays throughout. The Big Wheel is in, near the Conductor. The scene is heavily back-lit. The whole thing is a send-up of Ave Maria. Rance, who is in the Narrator's area, leads a situation-comedy type argument between the boys and the girls, who have taken off their Klu Klux Klan hats. 1. Cam. 2 / CU GUITARS 2. Cam. 3 / RANCE (Singing) WA RANCE What's between your legs is just the last few inches of a complex ZOOM IN mechanism which runs up 'n down the spinal cord 'n all hooked up to the human brain. 3. Cam. 4 / JANET & LUCY 2 SHOT JANET & LUCY Which, if used 4. Cam. 1 / LUCY CU LUCY Correctly! 5. Cam. 4 / 2 SHOT JANET & LUCY Frig about sensuously (bar 106) 6. Cam. 1 / JANET & LUCY 2 SHOT JANET & LUCY Can definitely increase the dimensions ...
200 SCENE 86 (Cont) 7. Cam. 2 / MS CHORUS (Optically distorted) 8. Cam. 4 / JANET & LUCY 2 SHOT JANET & LUCY And the firepower of your dick. 9. Cam. 3 / RANCE CU RANCE To the point where, in some instances it should be classified as a lethal weapon.
201 SCENE 87 Camera 1, in Area C Camera 2; in Area E Camera 3; in Area B Camera 4; in Area D Orchestra throughout. The Chorus & Orchestra are playing an elaborate verbal game. 1. Cam. 4 / CHORUS WA CHORUS Your dick! 2. Cam. 2 / BRASS WA BRASS Yer dick! 3. Cam. 4 / CHORUS WA CHORUS Your Dork. 4. Cam. 2 / BRASS WA BRASS Your Dork. 5. Cam. 4 / CHORUS WA CHORUS Your Prick. 6. Cam. 2 / BRASS WA BRASS Yer Prick. 7. Cam. 4 / CHORUS WA CHORUS Your Pork. 8. Cam. 1 / LUCY CU LUCY Yer Pork? 9. Cam. 3 / JANET CU JANET Pork?
202 SCENE 87 (Cont) 10. Cam. 4 / LUCY CU LUCY Who calls it a pork? These men ... and the stuff they call a wee-wee 11. Cam. 1 / MARK & HOWARD 2 SHOT MARK & HOWARD A wee-wee? 12. Cam. 2 / CU RUTH at Orchestral Drum set. 13. Cam. 3 / RANCE CU RANCE You mean a penis, don't you ... 14. Cam. 4 / LUCY CU LUCY A penis? 15. Cam. 1 / JANET CU JANET Penis is such an ugly word! 16. Cam. 3 / RANCE CU RANCE It's not that ugly, really. 17. Cam. 4 / HOWARD CU HOWARD Sure, I use it all the time. 18. Cam. 1 / MARK CU MARK Sure ... we all say it every once in a while ... listen 19. Cam. 4 / MARK, HOWARD & RANCE WA MARK, HOWARD RANCE Penis!
203 SCENE 87 (Cont) 20. Cam. 3 / WA PERCUSSION 21. Cam. 4 / CHORUS WA CHORUS Eeuoo! 22. Cam. 2 / MIRROR, PIANO KEYBOARD 23. Cam. 4 / CHORUS WA CHORUS Penis! 24. Cam. 3 / CU TUBA 25. Cam. 4 / CHORUS WA CHORUS Eeuoo! 26. Cam. 1 / JANET CU JANET It sounds so revolting the way you guys say it ... eeuoo ... ka-ka! 27. Cam. 3 / LUCY CU LUCY Ka-Ka! 28. Cam. 4 / RANCE CU RANCE A Penis can be a very useful & exciting organ. HOWARD steps HOWARD into shot ... Very exciting (Once you get to know me) 29. Mix to Cam. 4 / WA CHORUS who are mumbling in agreement.
204 SCENE 87 (Cont) 30. Cam. 2 / TROMBONES 31. Cam. 4 / MARK, HOWARD & RANCE 3 SHOT MARK, HOWARD & Penis! RANCE MARK proudly removes his brassiere. 32. Cam. 3 / LUCY CU LUCY It sounds so overwhelmingly medicinal! 33. Mix Cam. 2 / MIRROR PIANO KEYBOARD 34. Cam. 3 / JANET CU JANET A "penis" sounds like something a doctor would have hanging off him. 35. Cam. 1 / LUCY CU LUCY None of the men I know and love in the rock 'n roll business got a "penis" ... They all got cocks, or dicks at least. 36. Cam. 3 / JANET 2 SHOT JANET & LUCY Sure ... you go to strap on a pop star and he wants to stuff a "penis" up you ... where is that at? 37. Cam. 4 / MARK CU MARK Let's ask our studio audience
205 SCENE 87 (Cont) By now, the Dancers are sitting among the Orchestra as part of Mark's studio audience, equipped with confetti, balloons, paper hats etc. Wild reaction time. 38. Cam. 2 / CU ACCORDION 39. Cam. 3 / CU TRUMPETS 40. Cam. 2 / CU GUITARS 41. Cam. 4 / MARK (pointing at HOWARD) 3 SHOT MARK & HOWARD & the Will you trade what he has curtain in his pants for what I have behind this curtain? MEREDITH has appeared behind MARK holding up the big sock she was knitting in the Newt Ranch as if it were a curtain hiding the goodies. 42. Cam. 3 / JANET CU JANET What is it. PAN to LUCY LUCY You mean what's in his pants? PAN to JANET JANET I know what's in his pants ... he's a lonely guy Orchestra mumbling in background "Take the money" PAN to MARK MARK You have to choose before the big wheel stops whirling ... You ... (pointing at Accordion player)
206 SCENE 87 (Cont) 43. Cam. 2 / Go whirl the big wheel. CU ACCORDION PLAYER Who looks amazed. 44. Cam. 4 / LUCY CU LUCY Can I just fake the money. PAN to JANET JANET There isn't any money ... just the curtain and ... PAN to LUCY LUCY ... the lonely guy. Orchestra are mumbling "Take the curtain" MARK PAN to MARK Time is running out ... Think it over carefully! PAN to JANET JANET The curtain? PAN to LUCY LUCY I want the money. PAN to JANET JANET Wait. 45. Cam. 2 / CU PERCUSSION 46. Cam. 4 / JANET CU JANET What could it be in there?
207 SCENE 87 (Cont) 46. Continued PAN to LUCY LUCY In his pants? PAN to JANET JANET In the curtain? PAN to HOWARD HOWARD Doesn't any lady care what's in my pants. PAN to LUCY LUCY It's too little to have a car or a refrigerator. PAN to MARK MARK Don't be deceived by the size of the curtain! PAN to RANCE RANCE Let me make a suggestion ...
208 SCENE 88 Camera 4; in Area B Camera 3; has gone behind the Orchestra Camera 1 & 2; in Area C The Orchestra have now stopped playing and become part of the "Studio Audience". They are munching sandwiches and taking an active part in the proceedings. It's party time (balloons, paper-hats etc.) for the Chorus and Dancers. The big wheel is spinning. 1. Cam. 3 / RANCE CU RANCE Ordinarily we wouldn't alter any of the rules, but for you LUCKY young ladies our game tonight holds forth the promise of thrills and excitement beyond your very wildest imaginings! 2. Cam. 3 / MARK MS MARK That's right, ladies! While the big wheel still whirls, you will decide if you want to go all the way for the big super giant grand prize. 3. Cam. 4 / HOWARD (lewdly) CU HOWARD Ha ha ha ha hahh! 4. Cam. 1 / LUCY MS LUCY Sure! The GRAND PRIZE! JANET steps into frame. JANET Me too ... finally a chance to win something BIG! 5. Cam. 3 / RANCE CU RANCE Right you are! Do we have the blindfolds?
209 SCENE 88 (Cont) 6. Cam. 2 / MARK MS MARK Blindfolds! Here ... here ... just slip these right on ... elasticized ... there! 7. Cam. 1 / LUCY MS LUCY We gotta wear these? 8. Cam. 4 / RANCE 2 SHOT RANCE & LUCY It's part of the new rules we're making up for you. 9. Cam. 2 / JANET CU JANET (Putting on a Would you say this is a little blindfold) weird? 10. Cam. 4 / LUCY CU LUCY Everything else in this movie is so perverted a blindfold doesn't bother me at all ... mmmmm 11. Cam. 1 / RANCE 3 SHOT RANCE, JANET Are we ready? Test the & LUCY blindfolds. 12. Cam. 3 / MARK MS MARK (With his back to CAMERA pretends to expose himself) Can you see this? 13. Cam. 2 / JANET CU JANET We Willie Winkle.
210 SCENE 88 (Cont) 14. Cam. 1 / RANCE 3 SHOT RANCE, JANET Pull hers down in the corner & LUCY a little bit ... NOW! THE NEW RULES! Remember, you weren't sure if you wanted what was in HIS pants OR what was BEHIND the CURTAIN, therefore ... 15. Cam. 4 / JANET CU JANET Listen, there was never any question as far as I'm concerned ... LUCY steps into shot LUCY Me, too ... gimme the curtain! JANET Yeah ... the curtain ... only with the big surprise behind it. 16. Cam. 1 / MARK MS MARK Are you sure? Is that your final decision? 17. Cam. 2 / LUCY 2 SHOT JANET & LUCY Gimme the Big Grand Surprise JANET Gimme the curtain 18. Cam. 4 / MARK CU MARK Ladies and Gentlemen ... it's curtains for Janet and Lucy. (OBNOXIOUS CANNED LAUGHTER) MARK reaches for the curtain and is just about to pull it away when ...
211 SCENE 89 Video-disc freeze-frame of Shot 18 of Scene 88. (to be edited in later) This dissolves into Scene 90.
212 SCENE 90 Camera 2, 3 and 4 in X BIF DEBRIS (DON PRESTON) is packing up his latex solar beef light show and attempting to repair the damaged expresso machine. Lonely JEFF SIMMONS paces the floor looking for a cigarette butt big enough to light. 1. Cam. 3 / BIF CU BIF Wow ... what a night. 2. Cam. 4 / JEFF Didn't you used to be in the Mothers? 3. Cam. 2 / BIF 2 SHOT BIF and JEFF Yeah. 4. Cam. 4 / JEFF MS JEFF This what you do now? Work a light show in an imaginary town? 5. Cam. 2 / BIF 2 SHOT BIF and JEFF Yeah. I got my own group too ... but I don't mind being in the movie. I get to transform a few times (TRANSFORM) ... and drink vile foamy liquids. 6. Cam. 3 / CU BIF as he drinks liquid and transforms more violently. 7. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF But what kind of life is that? You're a sensitive, dedicated avant-garde musician ... you write your own material ... you can play a synthesizer ... 8. Cam. 3 / BIF CU BIF It's not that bad, really ... I like to be a monster every once in a while (TRANSFORM).
213 SCENE 90 (Cont) 9. Cam. 4 / JEFF MS JEFF You're heavy and far out and groovy ... you been around ... you know the ropes ... London ... Paris... Berlin ... now appearing nightly in Centerville with your face all twisted working a fake light show ... nobody will ever take you seriously because of this! 10. Cam. 2 / BIF 2 SHOT BIF and JEFF Because I transform? (TRANS- FORM) I like to be a monster. There is a little monster in each of us. 11. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF You'll probably stay here for the rest of your life with your fake potions and your monster face... you coulda been something in Rock and Roll. 12. Cam. 2 / BIF CU BIF I had a lot of trouble getting a hit single ... drove me to drink... 13. Cam. 3 / CU BIF as he drinks potion and transforms 14. Cam. 4 / JEFF MS JEFF Go on ... laugh about it! You coulda been a star! You could spread your aura across vast continental areas ... your name on millions of small hot lips whispering under secure pink blankets in the lonely midnight dark ... but what do you do? ZOOM IN slowly. You join the Mothers ... and you end up working for Zappa ... and he makes you be a creep. He makes you play comedy music. He pays you to make you face get bent. You coulda played the blues with John Mayall or far out exciting jazz with Blood sweat and Tears!
214 SCENE 90 (Cont) 15. Cam. 3 / BIF CU BIF You think so? 16. Cam. 2 / JEFF 2 SHOT JEFF and BIFF So what do you do? You join the Mothers and work for that creep and play comedy music and no- body will ever take you seriously. How can they take you seriously in this business? You either gotta play the blues or sing with a high voice. 17. Cam. 3 / BIF CU BIF You're right. I never should have joined the Mothers. I could be a star now. All those millions of hot pink ... LITTLE — TRANS FOR[M] 18. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF Listen ... you know where I can get some dope in this imaginary town? 19. Cam. 3 / BIF CU BIF What kind? 20. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF Anything that'll get me out of it ... I don't even care. 21. Cam. 3 / BIF CU BIF AT ALL There's no regular dope in this town ... just these vile foamy liquids. 22. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF They're fake ... aren't they?
215 SCENE 90 (Cont) 23. Cam. 2 / BIF 2 SHOT BIFF and JEFF No, they're real ... I mix them at home and bring them here in the morning ... secret spiritual formulas ... 24. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF What's a secret spiritual formula? 25. Cam. 2 / BIF 2 SHOT BIF and JEFF The stuff that goes in the elixir or potion or whatever I mix is ir- relevant to the result. 26. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF You mean they're fake potions, right? 27. Cam. 3 / BIF MS BIF It doesn't matter what's in the mix because the liquid ... the concept of the liquid is enough to trigger a special cosmically aware state, because I'm so spiritually evolved. 28. Cam. 4 / JEFF 2 SHOT BIF and JEFF Look, I just want to get out of it and go back to my fake motel room and play the blues on my accoustical guitar, sitting on a little suitcase, funky and dejected like an old John Lee Hooker album cover ... fuck the spiritual evolvement ... what happens if a new and exciting Seattle blues talent such as myself drinks your stuff? 29. Cam. 3 / BIF MS BIF Here. Take it back to your fake room and drink it.
216 SCENE 90 (Cont) 30. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF I'd feel a lot better about it if He finds a large bent there was something I could cigarette butt on the smoke ... floor. 31. Cam. 3 / BIF MS BIF Dip that in it. Let it dry out, then smoke it ... that should get you a little bit high ... He looks around does a quick sinister trans- formation. ... or something. 32. Cam. 4 / JEFF CU JEFF I can't take you seriously. 33. Cam. 3 / BIF CU BIF That's all I have ... you might as well try it. 34. Cam. 2 / JEFF WA JEFF leaving Okay ... I know it's only fake stuff, but I'm getting paid to be in this movie and do all this shit, so ... listen ... we should get together and have a jam some- times ... blues ... work out some extended blues licks ... extensions ... white people can play the blues y'know ... He exits. 35. Cam. 3 / CU BIF BIF drinks a little more Elixir, transforms, swirls his cape, dashes over to the piano on the little bandstand and plays a crazed cadenza. In the middle of the cadenza. A phone rings. He reaches behind the piano and picks up the receiver.
217 SCENE 90 (Cont) 36. Cam. 4 / BIF CU BIF Still transformed. Hallo? Frank? Yeah ... I gave it to him ... yeah ... he went back to the special room ... His face relaxes slowly. mmm-mm ... no, he's gonna smoke it ... right. Yeah, listen ... Face completely relaxed, he leans back in his chair. you got any idea when we get paid for this?
[>> SCENES 91-101]


Special thanks to Charles Ulrich (scans) and Chayne Quinn (typing!).