Philly '76

One, two . . .

FZ: Hello! Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to our program tonight. Sorry to keep you waiting so long. Just wanted to make sure that everybody got in before we started up. And I'm also sorry that Flo & Eddie couldn't be with us tonight. Flo— For those of you who don't know, their lead guitar player was killed three nights ago in Utah, and they're not— the rest of the band is not feeling too enthusiastic about performance right now. What? Thank you! Thank you! Alright. And now— What an attractive shirt you have! I'd like to introduce the members of the group to you tonight. This is Ray White on guitar and vocals. Patrick O'Hearn on bass. Terry Bozzio on drums. Eddie Jobson on keyboards and violin. And Bianca, the Bionic Woman, on keyboards and vocals. And, of course, we must begin this program with a song about your feet. The name of this song is, "Stink-Foot."

In the dark
Where all the fevers grow
Under the water
Where the shark bubbles blow
In the mornin'
By yer radio
Do the walls close in t' suffocate ya
You ain't got no friends . . .
An' all the others: they hate ya
Does the life you been livin' gotta go, hmmm?
Well, lemme straighten you out
About a place I know . . .
(Now, get yer shoes 'n socks on people,
Because it's right aroun' the corner!)
You go out through the night
An' the whispering breezes
To the place where they keep
The Imaginary Diseases,
Out through the night
An' the whispering breezes
To the place where they keep
The Imaginary Diseases . . .

Now scientists call this disease
Bromidrosis
And well they should
But us regular folks
Who might wear a tennis shoe
Or an occasional python boot
Know this exquisite little inconvenience
By the name of:
STINK FOOT
Y'know, my python boot is too tight
I couldn't get it off last night
A week went by, an' now it's July
I finally got it off
An' my girl-friend cry
"You got STINK FOOT!
STINK FOOT, darlin'
Your STINKING FOOT puts the hurts on my nose!
STINK FOOT! STINK FOOT! I ain't lyin',
Can you rinse it off, d'you suppose?"
Well . . . Here Fido . . . Here Fido . . .
Bring the slippers, little puppy
Fido!
Awright, awright, awright, hey!
Fido, my faithful friend of the canine world
I asked you to bring me the slippers
You didn't bring the slippers
Every night is the same problem
Why do you not bring me the slippers?
"Arf-arf, arf-arf-arf-arf, arf-arf-arf, arf-arf, arf-arf-arf-arf, arf, arf-arf-arf-arf!"
Literally translated this means,
"Oh, Frank, I was so stoned I couldn't keep them in my mouth."
And once again I have to inform you, Fido, my charming little canine friend
That you must be punished, so take your punishment, here it comes . . .
Position one.
Position two.
Position three.
And there we have it, a thoroughly punished poodle, live on stage in Philadelphia, goddamn!
It's SICK!

FZ:

In the beginning GOD made 'the light.' Shortly thereafter GOD made three big mistakes. The first one was THE POODLE. As indicated in Exhibit A. Oh, just a little feedback, don't let it worry ya. Now, when God first constructed the poodle it was an attractive dog. It had hair evenly distributed all over its small piquant charming canine-type body. All the other dogs liked it because it was a regular fella. It had a ha— It had a ha— It had a— It had a haircut just like them, and so it was right in with the other trends that were going on in those days.

Then, God made these other two big mistakes. Mistake number two was MAN. Mistake number three was WO-MAN. Okay. Wo-man looked at the poodle with lust in her heart. And she came up with a plan that was about to reshape civilization itself. She looked at the man and knew the man to be a dumbbell, a chump from the word "Go"—which was one of the first words that we had in the old days. So she turned to the man and she said, "Hey, why don't you go get a job?" And because the man was—shall we say—tepid in the mind, he got up off his booty and went out of the Garden of Eden, got himself a job, pushing a broom for about a dollar-2.98 an hour, brought the money back to the woman, she took the money, went to the hardware store, bought a pair of scissors and a pair of zircon encrusted tweezers!

Then she got a hold of the dog and she clipped on the dog. She modified the coat of the dog. She cleaned off on his back here to make it real nice because she wanted the dog to have a disco look. Then she cleaned off his thorax, pardon me, his medulla, his Managua, and all around here, all around Allentown, she cleaned up, really good. Then, as a matter of fact, right over here, if you'll notice, this is the Sheraton in Allentown, Pennsylvania, where they have that glass of orange juice as big as your finger for 75¢. And then she clipped the— she clipped the fur off of the snout so that you could see the succulent little black poodle lips—you know what I'm talking about. A lot of you kids out there who might have the kind of a mother with blue hair who likes to go to Miami with one of these things really knows what I'm talking about. Then she took the poodle and she put it over on the side and made it sit up with his little snout in the air. And she walked over and sat on his face.

Purely for demonstration purposes, folks, don't take it seriously. And then, and I don't know how she managed to do this, while she was down there squatting on the poodle snout, she looked deep into the dog's eyes and said these words . . .

Give me
Your dirty love
Like you might surrender
To some dragon in your dreams

Give me
Your dirty love
Like you might surrender
To the dragon in your dreams

I don't want your cheap emotion
I don't want your sweet devotion
Whip me up a little dragon lotion
For your dirty love

Give me
Your dirty love
Like some tacky little pamphlet
In your daddy's bottom drawer

Give me
Your dirty love
I don't believe you never seen
That book before

I don't want your hesitation
I don't want your reservation
I just got one destination
That's your dirty love
Dirty love

Give me
Your dirty love
Just like your mama
Make that fuzzy poodle do

Give me
Your dirty love
Just like your mama
Make that fuzzy poodle do

I don't want your cheap aroma
Or your little-bo-peep diploma
I just gonna put you in a coma
With some dirty love
Some dirty love
That dirty love
That dirty love

THAT POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
THE POODLE BITES!
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!

FZ: Now that we have everything worked up to a mild roar, we have to present to you a new song. This is— This particular song deals with the delicate subject of higher education. This particular song is also Cut One, Side One of our new album, Zoot Allures, which is being delivered to you in time for Halloween. And it goes like this . . .

This here song might offend you some
If it does, it's because you're dumb
That's the way it is where I come from
If you've been there too, let me see your thumb

Let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Oh, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Oh, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Yeah, let me see your thumb, now
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Yeah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Ah, ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Ow! Ah, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)

Oh, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb)
Yeah, let me see your thumb, now
(Let me see your thumb)

Yeah, let me see your thumb, now
(Let me see your thumb)
Oh, let me see your thumb
(Let me see your thumb) Well . . .

Show me your thumb if you're really dumb
Show me your thumb if you're really dumb
Show me your thumb if you're really dumb
Show me your thumb if you're dumb
(Yes, show me your thumb if you're dumb!)

Hey now, better make a decision
(You better make a decision)
Be a moron and keep your position
(You better keep your position)
You oughta know now all your education
(Know all your education)
Won't help you no-how, you're gonna . . .

Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station

Pumpin' the gas every night
Pumpin' the gas every night
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station

Pumpin' the gas every night
Pumpin' the gas every night, oh!
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station

Manny the Camper wants to buy some white
(Wind up workin' in a gas sta . . . Fish!)
(Wind up workin' in a gas station)
Manny the Camper wants to buy some white
(Wind up workin' in a gas sta . . . Fish!)
(Wind up workin' in a gas station)
Manny the Camper wants to buy some white
(Wind up workin' in a gas sta . . . Fish!)
(Wind up workin' in a gas station)
Manny the Camper wants to buy some white
(Wind up workin' in a gas sta . . . Fish!)

Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station
Wind up workin' in a gas station

Yes! I'm only fourteen
Sickly 'n thin
Tried all of my life
Just to grow me a chin
It popped out once
But my dad pushed it in, can you dig it?
Tell me, why did he hurt me?
Lord, he's my next of kin . . .
He's a mex-i-kin

I'm lonely 'n green;
Too small for my shirt
Yes, and if Simmons was here
I could feature my hurt
I'm scared of the future
'N I hope I don't grow
Nobody likes me
'Cause everywhere that I go
They say NO
They say NO
They say NO

Now I am older
Got a place in the town, babe
Yeah, I got a chin on my shoulder
'N it keeps growing down 'n down 'n down
I'm horny 'n lonely
'N I wish I was dead
Somebody tell me
Why am I livin'?
Lord, I wanna be dead instead
That's right, I said
I wanna be dead instead
Okay, now dig this:

I wanna be dead
In bed
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
(Yeah!)
I wanna be dead
In bed
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
I wanna be dead
(Lord, I wanna be dead instead)
In bed
Please kill me
(Be dead in bed, yeah)
'Cause that would thrill me
I wanna be dead
(As sure as my name is Terry Ted, Terry Ted)
In bed
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
(Kill me)
I wanna be dead
(Thrill me)
In bed
(Baby, you got to fill me with some love)
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
(Only fourteen)
I wanna be dead
(Sickly and green)
In bed
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me

One more time for the world!

I wanna be dead
(Wah-hoo!)
In bed
(I wanna be dead instead)
Please kill me
(Wanna be dead in bed)
'Cause that would thrill me
(Gonna wish my little girl)
I wanna be dead
(Would give me some head, hey-hey hey-hey)
In bed
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
I wanna be dead
('Cause I'm only fourteen)
In bed
(Sickly 'n green)
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
I wanna be dead
(I'm feelin' really lean
I'm in love, see)
In bed
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
(I'm too small for my shirt)
I wanna be dead
(Feature my hurt)
In bed
Please kill me
'Cause that would thrill me
(I wanna be dead instead)
I wanna be dead
In bed
Please kill me
(Baby!)
'Cause that would thrill me
(Don't you wanna
Fulfill me with some love . . .
Lord, I wanna be dead in bed . . . )

Flies all green 'n buzzin' in his dungeon of despair
Prisoners grumble and piss their clothes and scratch their matted hair
A tiny light from a window hole a hundred yards away
Is all they ever get to know about the regular life in the day;
An' it stinks so bad the stones been chokin'
'N weepin' greenish drops
In the room where the giant fire puffer works
'N the torture never stops
The torture never stops
The torture
The torture
The torture never stops

Slime 'n rot 'n rats 'n snot 'n vomit on the floor
Fifty ugly soldiers, man, holdin' spears by the iron door
Knives 'n spikes 'n guns 'n the likes of every tool of pain
An' a sinister midget with a bucket an' a mop where the blood goes down the drain;
An' it stinks so bad the stones been chokin'
'N weepin' greenish drops
In the room where the giant fire puffer works
'N the torture never stops
The torture never stops
The torture
The torture
The torture never stops

Flies all green 'n buzzin' in his dungeon of despair
An evil prince eats a steamin' pig in a chamber right near there
He eats the snouts 'n the trotters first
The loins 'n the groins is soon dispersed
His carvin' style is well rehearsed
He stands and shouts
All men be cursed
All men be cursed
All men be cursed
All men be cursed
And disagree, well no-one durst
He's the best of course of all the worst
(He's the best of course of all the worst)
Some wrong been done, he done it first
(Some wrong been done, he done it first)

An' he stinks so bad, his bones been chokin'
'N weepin' greenish drops,
In the night of the iron sausage,
Where the torture never stops
The torture never stops
The torture
The torture
The torture never stops

Flies all green 'n buzzin' in his dungeon of despair
Who are all those people that he's locked away up there
Are they crazy?
Are they sainted?
Are they zeros someone painted?
It has never been explained since at first it was created
But a dungeon like a sin
Requires naught but lockin' in
Of everything that's ever been
Look at her
Look at him
(Yes, you, right there!)
That's what's the deal we're dealing in
That's what's the deal we're dealing in
That's what's the deal we're dealing in
That's what's the deal we're dealing in

FZ: Thank you!

Alright!

City of tiny lites
Don't you wanna go
Hear the tiny auto horns
When they tiny blow
Tiny lightnin'
In the storm
Tiny blankets
Keep you warm
Tiny pillows
Tiny sheets
Tiny cookies
That the peoples eat

City of tiny lites
Maybe you should know
That it's over there
In the tiny dirt somewhere
You can see it any time
When you get the squints
From your downers and your wine
You're so big
It's so tiny
Every cloud is silver line-y
The great escape for all of you
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do
Tiny is as tiny do

Alright!

Ah, tell me!
City of tiny lites
(City of tiny lites)
Don't you wanna go
(Don't you wanna go)
Hear the tiny auto horns
(Hear the tiny auto horns)
When they tiny blow
Tiny lightnin'
In the storm
Tiny blankets
Will keep you warm
Tiny pillows
Tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny sheets
Tiny cookies, yeah, yeah
Talkin' bout them tiny cookies
That the peoples eats
(That the peoples eats)
That the peoples eats
(That the peoples eats)
That the peoples eats
(That the peoples eats)
(That the peoples eats)
That the peoples eats
That the peoples eats
(That the peoples eats)
That the peoples eats
That the peoples eats . . .

FZ: It's the Sanzini Brothers Pyramid Trick revisited. Hard core fans, there they are, ladies and gentlemen. Ray White, ladies and gentlemen. Stay tuned for Bianca.

You didn't try to call me, why didn't you try?
I'm so lonely
No matter who I take home, I keep calling your name
And you, (I need you so bad) you're the one babe

Tell me, tell me who's lovin' you now
'Cause it worries my mind and I can't sleep at all
I stayed home on Friday just to wait for your call
And you didn't try, you didn't try, you didn't try
You didn't try to call me

Why didn't you try, I'm so lonely
No matter who I take home, I keep calling your name
Oh, you, (I need you so bad) You're the one babe

Tell me, tell me who's lovin' you now
'Cause it worries my mind and I can't sleep at all
I stayed home on Friday just to wait for your call

I can't say what's wrong or what's right
All you've gotta do is call me, babe

You make me feel so excited
I got so hung up on you from the moment that we met
That no matter how I try, I can't keep the tears
from running down my face
I'm all alone in this place

You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me
No, no, no, no, no
You didn't try to call me
Early in the morning, yeah
Late in the evening, yeah
You didn't try to call me
You didn't try to call me . . .

FZ: Bianca! The next part of our program is going to feature our charming little rhythm section on a song entitled, "Mars Needs Women."

 

It was the darkest night
There was no moon in sight
You know the stars ain't shinin'
'Cause the sky's too tight
Heard the scarey wind
I seen the ugly trees
There was a werewolf honkin'
'Long the side of me

I'm mean 'n I'm bad, y'know I ain't no sissy
Got a big-titty girly by the name of Chrissy
Talkin' about her 'n my bike 'n me . . .
'N this ride up the Mountain of Mystery, mystery

It was 11 o'clock upon a Friday night,
You know the girl and me was feeling outta' sight
We had twenty reds and a big ol' pile of weed,
You know we drank some wine and then we LSD'd

Chrissy puked twice and jumped on my bike,
She yelled, "Fire it up, 'cause you know what I like!"
She burned her leg on a tail-pipe then
And yelled, "Shit-a-ree!", and puked again

I noticed even the crickets
Were actin' weird up here
'N so I said,
"Well, come on and let's drink a little beer"
I said, "Gimme summa that what yer suckin' on . . . "
But there was no reply
'Cause she was gone . . .

"Where's those titties I like so well, 'n my goddamn beer!"
Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise
Like a crunchin' twig, 'n up jumped the Devil . . .
He's about this big . . .

He had a red suit on
An' a widow's peak
An' then a pointed tail
'N like a sulphur reek
Yes, it was him awright,
You know I knew it was
He had some human flesh
Stuck underneath his claws
You know, it looked to me
Like it was titty skin
I said, "You sonofabitch!"
'Cause I was mad at him,
He just got out his floss
'N started cleanin' his fang
So I shot him with my shooter,
Said: BANG BANG BANG

The sucker just laughed 'n said:

Terry:
Oh, put it away . . .
You know, I ate her all up . . . now what you gonna say?

FZ:
You ate my Chrissy?

Terry:
Yeah! Titties 'n all!

FZ:
Well, what about the beer then?

Terry:
Ah . . . Were the cans this tall?

FZ:
Even her boots?

Terry:
Now, would I lie to you?

FZ:
Shit, you musta been hungry!

Terry:
Yeah, this is true.

FZ:
Don't they pay you good
For the stuff you do?

Terry:
Well, you know
I can't complain when the checks come through . . .

FZ:
I want my Chrissy

Terry:
Yeah?

FZ:
I want my beer

Terry:
So what?

FZ:
You just puke it back up, boy
Do you hear?

Terry:
Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man!
I mean, I am the Devil,
Do you understand?
Just what will you give me for your
Titties and beer?
I suppose you noticed this little contract here . . .

FZ:
Yer goddam right, you
Son-of-a-whore

Terry:
Don't call me that!

FZ:
That's about the only reason I learned writin' for . . .
Gimme that paper . . . bet yer ass I'll sign . . .
Because I need a beer,
'N it's titty-squeezin' time!

Terry:
Man, you can't fool me . . . you ain't that bad . . .
I mean you shoulda seen some of the souls that I've had . . .

FZ:
Oh, yeah?

Terry:
There was Milhous Nixon 'n Agnew, too . . .
'N both of those suckers was worse 'n you . . .

FZ:
Well, let's make a deal if you think that's true
I mean, after all you're the Devil, now . . .
Whatcha gonna do? Come on!

Terry: What am I gonna do?
FZ: You can— You can have my soul . . .
Terry: What?
FZ: It's a mean little sucker, 'bout a thousand years old . . .
Terry: You want me to take . . . ?
FZ: But once you gets it . . .
Terry: Oh, no.
FZ: You can't give it back . . .
Terry: Wha—
FZ: You gotta keep it forever . . .
Terry: Oh . . .
FZ: And that's a natural fact.
Terry: Forever?
FZ: Do you understand me, am I making myself perfectly clear to you?
Terry: Man, well, I don't know if I want you around Hell forever.
FZ: Take my soul.
Terry: I mean . . .
FZ: Take my soul! I don't care.
Terry: Oh, no . . .
FZ: Who needs a soul anymore?
Terry: No, wait a minute, you got those funky things growing in your hear, you . . .
FZ: Really. Who needs it?
Terry: Oh, you're crazy, man!
FZ: I'd rather have beer!
Terry: Wait— Oh, no, wait, you're freaking me out . . .
FZ: Take my soul, give me the beer.
Terry: You want— No, wait, hold it, wait!
FZ: Give me the beer and the titties!
Terry: No, hold it, wait, wait, wait!
FZ: Give me the titties!
Terry: Titties, beer, wait!
FZ: Give me more beer.
Terry: WAIT!
FZ: Give me bigger titties!
Terry: No, wait . . . No, wait, please, please . . .
FZ: Bigger titties and more beer. And hockey!
Terry: NO!
FZ: And give me football!
Terry: NOOO!
FZ: And give me baseball!
Terry: Wait!
FZ: And give me titties and beer and television!
Terry: Titties, beer and baseball, with television!
FZ: And give me . . .
Terry: No, wait!
FZ: Give me everything.
Terry: Wait . . .
FZ: Take my soul, but . . .
Terry: God help me.
FZ: Mostly the titties.
Terry: Oh . . .
FZ: Just give me the titties.
Terry: Wait, wait . . . NOOOOO!

Terry:
No! Don't sign it! Give me time to think . . .
I mean . . . hold on, boy . . .
'Cause that's Magic Ink!

And then the Devil puked
'N out jumped m'girl
They heard the titties PLOP-PLOPPIN', that's right!
All around the world

"I GOT ME THREE BEERS 'N A COUPLE OF DOWNS,
AN' I'M GONNA GET RIPPED, SO JUST FUCK YOU CLOWNS!"

Then she gave us the finger,
It was rigid 'n stiff,
That's when the Devil, he farted
An' she went right over the cliff

"OH! . . . "

Oh, she had such a good time going down . . .

The Devil was mad
I took off to my pad
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?

FZ: Awright! Now we have a song for lovers only. Pay close attention to this . . .

FZ: Awright! Now we have a song for lovers only. Pay close attention to this. This is selection Number Two on Side One of the album and we hope that you'll enjoy it— Oh, and another thing, I did the Mike Douglas Show yesterday and got a chance— It's gonna be on November the 10th, and I got a chance to play this song. I played this song with Mike Douglas' studio orchestra. The name of this song is "Black Napkins."

Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh

FZ: And to continue now . . .

Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh
Wee-ee-oooh

No more credit
At the liquor store
My suit is all dirty and my
Shoes is all tore
I'm tired and lonely and my
Heart is all sore
Advance romance
I can't use it no more

He told me that he loved me
I believed what he said
He took me for a sucker, boy
All corn-fed
The next thing I knew
He had a bolt on the door
Advance romance
Oh, I can't use it no more

I took Terry's watch
Like I always do
(It was a Timex, too!)
(WAH-HOO
WAH-HOO)
(And a-shame on you)
No more money, boy
I shoulda knew
(They should have told him earlier in the program)
(Shoulda told me too)
The way she do me, boy, well
She might do you, too
The way she do me, boy
She might do you, too
The way she do me, boy
She might do you, too
(Now look what she did to Patrick tonight)

Patrick: Ain't got no power, what the fuck [...]

FZ: Wait, just a moment, we can't be having any of this . . . Tex, come here, quick, and find out why there's no electricity going to the electric bass. We must have some little doodads walking around backstage. Oh, talk amongst yourselves.

Advance romance
Can't use it no more

Potato-head Bobby
Was a friend of mine
He opened three of his eyes
In the food stamp line
He opened four of his eyes
In the food stamp line
He opened five of his eyes
In the food stamp line
He opened six of his eyes
In the food stamp line
Say he might be the Devil
(He might be the Devil, huh huh)
Might be the Devil, ow ow, now now
(Might be the Devil, huh huh)
Well, well, but he sure is fine now
(He might be the Devil, huh huh)
Advance romance
Oh, you wanna try it one time

Later that night
He drop on by
Told me all he wanna do
Was come up and say "Hi"
(HI-HI HI-HI HI-HI HI-HI HI-HI HI-HI HI-HI HI-HI)
Half an hour later
He had frenched his fry
Advance romance
Bobby, say good-bye

Advance romance
Bobby, say good-bye

FZ: Thank you!

Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a man like me

He was the Playboy Type (he smoked a pipe)
His fav'rite phrase was "OUTA-SITE!"
He had an Irish Setter
(Hrtch-a-pltch
Hrtch-a-pltch
Hrtch-a-pltch
Arf!)

It was a singles bar, a Tuesday night
The moon was dim, the band was tight
They did the Bump together

What a splendid sight
(Roon doon doon doon)
Her teeth were white
(Oo-ah oo-oooh)
The drinks were cheap (it was Ladies Nite)
He was glad that he met her

She was an office girl ("My name is Betty")
Her fav'rite group was HELEN REDDY
(They discussed the weather)

Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a
Baby don't you want a
Baby don't you want a
Man!

She was a lonely sort, just a little too short
Her jokes were dumb and her fav'rite sport
Was hockey (in the winter)

He was duly impressed and was quick to suggest
Any sport with a PUCK had to be 'bout the best
As he jabbed his elbow in her (get it honey?)

Later on they went off to where the music was soft,
The candles were drippy, they saw a REAL HIPPY
Who delivered their dinner, there he is!

The rice was brown, and soon they found
That the crowd around that had jammed the room,
Well it seemed to be getting thinner

Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a
Baby don't you want a
Baby don't you want a
Man!

He took her home to a motor court
She would not kiss him, he tried to ignore it,
But it made him angry!
(Angry! It made me angry!
Why it made me so angry
I COULD HAVE KILLED THAT LOUSY BITCH!)

He called her a slut
(Slut slut slut . . . )
A pig
(Pig pig pig . . . )
And a whore
(Whore whore whore . . . )
A bitch
(Bitch bitch bitch . . . )
And a cunt
(Cunt cunt cunt . . . )
And she slammed the door
(The door!)
In a petulant frenzy!
(A petulant frenzy!
This is a petulant
Frenzy!
I'm petulant,
And I'm having a frenzy!)

On the sofa she weeps
BOO HOO HOO HOO
She weeps and she weeps
BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO
She weeps and she peeps
Through the curtain

He just got in his car
But the battery's dead
So he asked to use the phone
And she gives him some head
And that's the end of the story

Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a man like me
Honey honey, hey
Baby don't you want a
Baby don't you want a
Baby don't you want a
Man!
Baby don't you want a man sometimes?

FZ: And here he comes . . .

Hi and howdy doody
I'm the union man
You can call me Rudy
Any you boys not paid up on your cards? Huh?
(HUH?)

You know I'm pleased to meet ya
I've been tryin' all day to reach ya
The union's here to help everyone of you
Rock 'n Roll stars, that's right!

You boys know we care a lot
About the way they treat ya
They send a guy like me to every gig

Just to get
A chance to meet ya
To check and see
No wrong's been done
That's one good reason
I carry a gun
I hope the bulge
Don't bum you out
Wanna get a good look?
Let me pull it right out!
Let me pull it right out!
Let me pull it right out!
Let me whip it right out!

Hi and howdy doody
I'm the union man
I'm the union man
I'm the union man
Hi and howdy doody
I'm the union man
You can call me Rudy
Any you boys not paid up on your cards again, how about you?
(HUH?)

Know I'm pleased to meet ya
I been tryin all day to reach ya
'Cause the union's here to help everyone of you
Rock 'n Roll stars, yes!

Welcome to Chicago
Welcome to L.A.
Welcome to our local here
You'll always hear me say
The work is here; It's a couple a bucks
I'm sure you're glad to pay
Whip it out, here's your receipt
Now I'll go away
Now I'll go away
Now I'll go away
Now I'll go away
Away-ay-ay-ay-eh-yeah
Away-ay-ay-ay-eh-yeah
Away-ay-ay-ay-eh-yeah

FZ: Thank you!

Remember Freddie and Jo?
The night you went to the show?
(A monster movie);
Clutchin' at yer hand
(Wait ten seconds)
Clutchin' at yer arm
(Wait ten seconds)
Clutchin' at yer elbow—
Where did your brassiere go?
And then the monster came out,
'N everybody shout!
People all around you,
Screamin' at the monster;
The Monster From The U.S.O.

Who's this dude with his hair straight back?
His new white socks, 'n his pants all black;
His T-shirts rolled—
His watch is gold—
A '55 Chevy that his brother just stoled,
And his arm's around yer waist—
His hand is in yer pants—
He asks you for a date
To the servicemen's dance!

Suppose you don't wanna?
What you gonna do?
When a guy like that
Got his hands on you—
Oh, baby!
Tell me baby,
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.O.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.A.?
Would you go all the way
For the U.S.O.?
Lift up your dress, if the answer is "no" . . .

Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?

Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?
Would you go all the way?
Go all the way?
Go all the way?
Go all the way?
No, no
No, no
(No, no . . .)
No no no no no no no
(Oh, maybe I might)
However . . .

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off
She's got diamonds and jewelry
She's got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

She knows what she wants
She knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out . . . she's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
(La la la la la)
And she came to the club
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
You know that her and her partner
(La la la la la)
Came down here lookin' for love
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
They want a guy from a group
(La la la la la)
Who's got a thing in a charts
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
AND IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what you got
And they know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Alright, you got 'em screamin' all night

WORK! WORK! WORKIN' THE WALL!

Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Awright, you got 'em screamin' all night

FZ:
What's a girl like you
Doin' in a place like this?
What, do you hang out in hockey rinks? What is it?

Bianca:
Well . . .

FZ:
What is it with you?

Bianca:
I left my place after midnight

FZ:
Sure you did

Bianca:
And I came to this hall
Me and my girlfriend came here

FZ:
Me too

Bianca:
Lookin' to ball

FZ:
Well, you came to the right place
This is it
This is the swingin'-est place
In all of Philadelphia

Chorus:
NO SHIT!

Bianca:
How true that is!

FZ:
How true indeed

Bianca:
Me and my girlfriend came here
Looking for the
Hot romance we need

FZ:
Right!

Bianca:
We like to get it on—
Do you like, do you like to get it on, too? Yeah, baby

FZ:
Well now, what did you have in mind?

Bianca:
Well I get off bein' juked
With a baby octopus

FZ:
Yeah!

Bianca:
And spewed upon with creamed corn . . .
While my girlfriend digs it
With a Wide Mouth Gatorade bottle

FZ:
Nice

Bianca:
While someone in the background could be screamin', you know what I mean . . .

FZ:
Working the wall

Chorus:
CORKS 'N SAFETIES
PIGS 'N DONKEYS
PUNKY MEADOWS
STEVEN TYLER!

FZ:
That gets me so hot
I could scream

Chorus:
PUNKY MEADOWS, STEVEN TYLER!

FZ:
Oh, boy

Chorus:
PUNKY MEADOWS, STEVEN TYLER!

FZ:
You know you and your girlfriend sound really far out and groovy
Ever been to a Holiday Inn?
Yeah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa . . .
Magic Fingers in the bed
With a wall-mounted TV screen
([...] on the eleven o'clock news)
Coffee-Host plugged into the bathroom wall
Formica is really keen!

Bianca:
Aw, what kind of girl?

Chorus:
What kind of girl do you think she are?

Bianca:
Aw, what kind of girl?

Chorus:
What kind of girl do you think she are?

Bianca:
I ain't no groupie

Chorus:
Don't call her groupie
That is going too far

Bianca:
Hey, what kind of girl?

Chorus:
She wouldn't ball you
Just because you're a star

Bianca:
No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no

FZ:
Let me tell you the truth, this girl wouldn't let just anybody
Spew on her vital parts, no no!
She wants a guy from a group
With a big hit single in the charts!
Funny I should mention it
Our new single made the charts this week
With a bullet!
With a bullet!
With a bullet!
Just let me readjust my necktie right now
And I will show you how, yes indeed!
A young girl such as you
Might be thrilled and
Overwhelmed by me

Bianca:
What hotel did you say you were staying at?

FZ:
Oh, should I really tell you? I mean
Do you wanna split right away?

Bianca:
Well, uh . . . Not so fast, you silly boy . . .

FZ:
Oh, no, no, no, no . . .

Bianca:
You see, there's something I have to say . . .

Chorus:
She wants a guy from a group who's got a thing in the charts
She wants a guy from a group who's got a thing in the charts
She wants a guy from a group who's got a thing in the charts
She wants a guy from a group who's got a thing in the charts
And if his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

I couldn't say where she's coming' from,
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty-dollar bill says you can't make me cum
(No! Y'jes can't do it)

She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don't mind that she called me a bum,
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
(So I got down to it)

Whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation to her sugar plum

I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
But I still didn't hear no Dinah-Moe Humm,
Dinah-Moe Humm

Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Where's this Dinah-Moe
Comin' from
I done spent three hours
An' I ain't got a crumb
From the Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe
From the Dinah-Moe Humm

I got a spot that gets me hot
An' you ain't been to it
I got a spot that gets me hot
An' you ain't been to it
Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain't been to it
Got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain't been to it
But I can't get into it
To get myself out of it
No! I gotta get out of it
To get myself into it
I gotta get into it
To get myself out of it
But I gotta be out of it
To get myself into it

(She looked over me with a glazed eye
And some bovine perspiration on her upper lip area
And she said, now listen this, she said . . . )

Just get me wasted
An' you're half-way there
'Cause if my mind's tore up,
Then my body don't care

I rubbed my chinny-chin-chin
An' said my-my-my
What sort of thing
Might this lady get high upon?

The forty-dollar bill didn't matter no more
When her sister got nekkid an' laid on the floor
She said Dinah-Moe might win the bet
But she could use a little ______ if I wasn't done yet

I told her . . .
Just because the sun
Want a place in the sky
No reason to assume
I wouldn't give her a try

So I pulled on her hair
Got her legs up in the air
An' asked if she had any cooties in there

(Whaddya mean cooties! No cooties on me!)

She was buns-up kneelin'
(BUNS UP!)
I was wheelin' an dealin'
(WHEELIN' AN' DEALIN' AN' OOOOH!)
She surrender to the feelin'
(SHE SWEETLY SURRENDERED)
An' she started in to squealin'

Dinah-Moe watched from the edge of the bed
With her lips just a-twitchin' an' her face gone red
Some drool rollin' down
From the edge of her chin
While she spied the condition
Her sister was in
Boy, she quivered 'n quaked
An' she clutched at herself
While her sister made a joke
About her mental health
Until Dinah-Moe finally
Did give in
But I told her
All she really needed
Was some discipline, I said . . .

Kiss my aura . . . Dora . . .
It's real angora
Would y'all like some more-a?
Right here on the flora?
An' how 'bout you, Fauna?
I can see that Fauna wanna
How about you, Flora?

(Do I wanna?)

I don't know, do you wanna?

(I don't know . . . )

Go ahead, Fauna, swallow it, Fauna, go ahead, swallow it

(Well, I know I have something dirty to do)

Listen, wipe it on this
Awright, now look
D'you think I could interest you
In a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers?
What you think?

(Well, I don't know if I like tweezers quite enough)

Every night is the same thing!
She tells me she's got a charley horse in her tongue

(But I do have a charley horse in my tongue)

That's an old one, Fauna, listen
No excuses, this time you get the tweezers
We're gonna have to sterilize 'em so . . .
Awright, you're ready?

I couldn't say where she's coming' from
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty-dollar bill say you can't make me cum
(No, no! Y'jes can't do it)

She made a bet with her sister who's a little bit dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don't mind that she called me a bum,
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
(So I got down to it)

I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb
An' applied rotation to her sugar plum

I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb
You know I heard some Dinah-Moe Humm
A little Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe
Little Dinah-Moe . . .

FZ: Ray White on guitar, Patrick O'Hearn on bass, Terry Bozzio on drums, Eddie Jobson on keyboards and violin, Bianca on vocals, tambourine and Fender Rhodes piano. Thanks a lot for coming to the show, oh, wait a minute! Fido on poodle. Hope you enjoyed it. Good night!

FZ: Thank you! Well . . . Alright, here's a little something to get you up on your feet.

FZ: The name of this song is "Stranded In The Jungle." Yes, yes, yes . . .

I crashed in the jungle while trying to keep a date,
With my little girl who was back in the States
Stranded in the jungle, afraid, alone,
Trying to figure a way to get a message back home
But how was I to know that the wreckage of my plane
Had been picked up and spotted, and my girl in Lover's Lane?

Meanwhile, back in the States . . .

Baby, baby, let's make romance
You know, your old-time lover hasn't got a chance
He's stranded in the jungle, stranded as he can be
So come on pretty baby, just you and me

Meanwhile, back in the jungle . . .

The boys in the jungle had me on the run,
When something heavy hit me, like an atomic bomb
When I woke up and my head started to clear,
I had a strange feeling I was in cooking gear
I turn around and I look to see
That's when I found out they was a-cooking me

Great googa-mooga! Let me out of here!

Meanwhile, back in the States . . .

Baby, baby, let's make romance
You know, your old-time lover hasn't got a chance
He's stranded in the jungle, stranded as he can be
So come on pretty baby, just you and me

Meanwhile, back in the jungle . . .

Well, I jumped out the pot, and I finally got away
Frantic with worry about what my baby'd say
So I jumped in the ocean and I started to swim
But my chances of survival were getting mighty slim
So I thumbed down a whale who was heading my way
And I reached the States in about half a day
Now when I got to Lover's Lane, I was almost dead
But my soul was gone, and here's what I said:

Baby, baby, the man is no good
Oh baby, baby, you should have understood
You can trust me as long as I'm free,
So come back pretty baby where you used to be
'Cause I love you,
'Cause I love you,
'Cause I love you,
'Cause I love you,
'Cause I love you,
'Cause I love you,
'Cause I love you

FZ: Awright awright awright awright . . . Now, let's— let's shift gears now and go into something else. You— you won't, you won't believe this, ladies and gentlemen, we're actually going to release a single off of this next album. This is a song— This is a song that gives advice to the lovelorn, some very specific advice to the young gentlemen in our audience who definitely wanna get laid. This is a— This is a virtual instruction booklet on how to do it. Okay. The name— And I know you all need some help, just from up here looking at ya, I know you could use some help. So if you'll— If you'll follow these instructions carefully I'm sure something will happen to you. The name of this song is "Find Her Finer."

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

If you should see a girl on the street, now listen
Now maybe you might think she is sweet
But if you wanna tickle her treat
Now really, what should you do?
(Rat-tat-tat-tat ta-da!)

Don't let her, don't never and
Don't never let her know you are smart
Because the universe is nowhere to start
You know you, you gotta play it straight from the heart
She gwine renunciate you, boy
(That's why you gotta . . . )

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her
(That's right! Act like a dummy, it always works!)

And furthermore . . .
Now maybe you might think this is rude
And maybe you might think I am crude
And maybe this approach I have spewed
Is not the one for you
(Rat-tat-tat-tat ta-da!)

But believe me later on you gonna find
As you impress her with your mind
That you would just be left behind
For a wiser fool
(So you might as well)

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

Find her finer, sneak up behind her
Wrapped like a mummy till you finally unwind her
Find her blinder, see who designed her
Act like a dummy till you finally grind her

FZ: You got it down, you can really do it. Everybody, act like a dummy! You don't have to go all the way, you don't have to be a complete dummy, you can be a partial dummy. You can even be a closet dummy. There's room for all kinds of dummy in contemporary America. Here's another kind of dummy . . .

She had that
Camarillo brillo
Flamin' out along her head,
I mean her Mendocino bean-o
By where some bugs had made it red

She ruled the Toads of the Short Forest
And every newt in Idaho
And every cricket who had chorused
By the bush in Buffalo

She said she was
A Magic Mama
And she could throw a mean Tarot
And carried on without a comma
That she was someone I should know

She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn't done yet
She had gray-green skin
A doll with a pin
I told her she was awright
But I couldn't come in

And so she wandered
Through the door-way
Just like a shadow from the tomb
She said her stereo was four-way, that's right!
An' I'd just love it in her room

Well, I was born
To have adventure
So I just followed up the steps
Right past her fuming incense stencher
To where she hung her castanets

She stripped away
Her rancid poncho, you got it!
An' laid out naked by the door
We did it till we were un-concho
An' it was useless any more

She had a snake for a pet
And an amulet
And she was breeding a dwarf
But she wasn't done yet
She had gray-green skin
A doll with a pin
I told her she was awright
But I couldn't come in
(Actually, I was very busy then, you see)

And so she wandered
Through the door-way
Just like a shadow from the tomb
She said her stereo was four-way
An' I'd just love it in her room

Well, I was born
To have adventure
So I just followed up the steps
Right past her fuming incense stencher
To where she hung her castanets

I chewed my way
Through her rancid panocha
She laid buck nekkid by the door
We did it till we were un-concho
And it was useless anymore
Yes, it was useless anymore
Yes, it was useless anymore

FZ: Alright!

Girl, you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin
He hung around till you found
That he didn't know nuthin'

Girl, you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin'
No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin'

He shoulda rammed it in there

Girl, you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin

FZ: Everybody sing along! Okay, I'll tell you the words, it's really easy, 'cause I have to sing it so low, so maybe you can't tell what the words are if you don't have the Bongo Fury album you'll never know. The words are, "Girl, you thought he was a man but he was a muffin." And then you say, "He hung around till you found that he didn't know nuthin'." And then you say, "Girl, you thought he was a man but he only was a-puffin'." That's right! And then you say, "No cries is heard in the night as a result of him stuffin'." Okay. Now wait . . .

Girl, you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin (That's right)
He hung around till you found
That he didn't know nuthin'

FZ: A big choral effect here.

Girl, you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin' (Don't be shy! Don't be shy)
No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin'

FZ: I always felt that the people in this town was— They were very musical. I thought that if there was any place in the world where we could actually get real live audience participation it would have to be Philadelphia. I mean, look. Just think of me as— Think as— Just think of me as sort of an older, more sinister Dick Clark. You know what I mean? Awright, awright. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, this is the basis of— This is the basis for communication in America today. I'd like to have each and everyone of you stand up and salute the flag. Here it is. This is your American heritage, right here. 200 years and this is all you get. Right there. Maybe in 200 more years you can have these! And, if evolution takes its natural course, in 1000 years you can do it with your feet, if you still got any.

FZ: Ray! Patrick! Terry! Eddie! Bianca! Fido! Richard Nixon right out there in the— Thanks for coming by, Dick. He's looking good. He's looking better than I've seen him in weeks. Thanks for coming to the show. Good night.