Absolutely Free

Ladies & Gennelmen . . . the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!

Fella Americans . . .
DOOT, DOOT, DOOT . . . DOOT . . .
He's been sick.
DOO-OO-OOT . . . DOOT! DOOT!
(Teet-Teet . . . Teet-Teet . . . Teet-Teet . . . Teet-Teet-Teet)
And I think his wife is gonna bring him some chicken soup.
DOOT, DOOT (Teet-Teet)

Plastic people
Oh baby, now . . .
You're such a drag

(I know it's hard to defend an unpopular policy every once in a while . . . )

Plastic people
Oh baby, now
You're such a drag

(And there's this guy from the CIA and he's creeping around Laurel Canyon . . . )

A fine little girl
She waits for me
She's as plastic
As she can be
She paints her face
With plastic goo
And wrecks her hair
With some shampoo

Plastic people
Oh baby, now
You're such a drag

(I dunno . . . sometimes I just get tired of ya, honey . . . it's—Ah—your hair spray . . . or something.)

Plastic people
Oh baby!
You're such a drag

(I hear the sound of marching feet . . . down Sunset Blvd. to Crescent Heights, and there, at Pandora's Box, we are confronted with . . . a vast quantity of PLASTIC PEOPLE.)

Take a day
And walk around
Watch the nazis
Run your town
Then go home
And check yourself
You think we're singing
'Bout someone else . . . but you're

Plastic people!
(Woooooooooooooooooooh!)
Oh baby, now . . .
You're such a drag

Ooo-Ooo-Ooo Ooo-Ooo-Ooo Ooo-Ooo-Ooo Ooooooooh!

Me see a neon
Moon above
I searched for years
I found no love
I'm sure that love
Will never be
A product of
Plasticity
A product of
Plasticity
A product of
Plasticity:

FZ:
PLASTIC! PLASTIC PEOPLE!
PLA-HA-HA-HA-HA . . .
PLASTIC . . . PEOPLE
PLASTIC PEOPLE . . . OO-OOOH OO-OOH . . .
PLASTIC . . .
A prune is a vegetable . . . no, a prune is not a vegetable. Cabbage is a vegetable . . . makes it O.K. PLASTIC PEOPLE . . . PLASTIC PEOPLE, PLASTIC PEOPLE!
Ooo-Hoo-Hoo . . . Ooo-ooh-ooh-ooh Hoo-Hoo
Ooh-ooh Ooh-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo

Ray:
You are. Your foot. Your hair. Your nose. Your arms. You eat. You suck. You love. You are. Your being is . . . you're PLASTIC . . . PEOPLE . . . BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH . . . plastic pepples . . . [...]
You drive. You live in. You dream about . . . you think only of . . . you eat . . . you are . . . pepples . . . plastic . . . plastic pepples . . .
Purple prancing. Plastic people. Every pepples . . .

Peep-peep Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-peep!

A moonbeam through the prune
In June
Reveals your chest
I see your lovely beans
And in that magic go-kart
I bite your neck
The cheese I have for you
My dear
Is real
And very new!

A moonbeam through the prune
In June
Reveals your chest
I see your lovely beans
And in that magic go-kart
I bite your neck
The love I have for you
My dear
Is real
And very new!

Doh-Doh-Doh Doh-Doh

Prune!
(Pah-Da-Dahhh!)
If it is a real prune . . .
(Pah-Da-Dahhh!)
Knows no cheese!
(Chunka Chunk . . .
Chunka Chunka Chunka Chunka Chunk . . . )
And stands . . .
(Oh No-o-o-o!)
Taller & stronger
Than any tree
Or bush!
And I know
The love I have for you
Will grow & grow & grow
I think
And so my love
I offer you
A love that is strong
A prune that is true!

LA LA LALA LA LA LALALA LAH LAH LAH LA LA
LA LA LA LA OOOOOOOOH!
(Chunka Chunka Chunka . . . )
LA LA LA LALA . . .

My darling . . . you mean so very much to me . . . I love
you so deeply! It just makes me . . .

LA LA LA LA LA LA etc.

(Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Prunes, Prunes)
I hardly recognize you, darling . . . Oh, I'll never forget you, darling. . .
(Prunes, Duke of Prunes, Prunes, Prunes)
Oh I suppose I will forget you eventually . . . In fact, I've already forgotten you . . .
(Duke of Prunes, Prunes, Prunes)
What is your name? Nice to see you again.

And you'll be my Douchess
My Douchess of Prunes

A moonbeam through the prune
In June
Reveals your chest
I see your lovely beans
And in that magic go-kart
I bite your neck
The cheese I have for you
My dear
Is real
And very new!
(New cheese!)

Prunes!
(Pah-Da-Dahhh!)
If they are fresh prunes . . .
(Pah-Da-Dahhh!)
Know no cheese!
(Chunka Chunka Chinky Chunky Stinky Stanky . . . )
And they just lie there
Drowning & sickening
And it's just . . . I dunno
Oh-h-h-h-h!
And I know
I think
The love I have for you
Will never end
Well . . . maybe
(Whah!)

And so my love
I offer you
A love that is strong
A prune that is true!
(Ha Ha!)

This is the exciting part . . .
It's like the SUPREMES . . .
See the way it builds up
BABY BABY
D'ya feel it?
BABY BABY
My prune is yours, my love
My cheese for you
My baby prune
My baby prune
I do like you
My baby cheese etc., etc.
You know I do
My dear
I love you etc., etc.
Oh cheesy fat
Oh cheesy fat
Oh cheesy fat
Oh baby fat
Oh cheesy fat
Oh baby blue

Cheesy, cheesy!

(This is a song about vegetables . . . they keep you regular; they're real good for ya.)

Call any vegetable
(Call any vegetable)
Call it by name
(Call any vegetable)
Call one today
(Call any vegetable)
When you get off the train
(Call any vegetable)
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Ooooh! The vegetable
Will respond to you

(Some people don't go for prunes . . . I dunno . . . I've always found that if they . . . )

Call any vegetable
(Call any vegetable)
Pick up your phone
(Call any vegetable)
Think of a vegetable
(Call any vegetable)
Lonely at home
(Call any vegetable)
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
That a vegetable will respond to you-hoooo

RUTA-BAY-AY-AYGA RUTA-BAY-AY-AYGA
RUTA-BAY-AY-AYGA RUTA-BAY-AY-AYGA
RUTA-BAYYYYY . . .

(A prune isn't really a vegetable. Cabbage is a vegetable.)

No one will know
If you don't want to let 'em know
No one will know
'Less it's you that might tell 'em so
Call and they'll come to you
Covered with dew
Vegetables dream
Of responding to you
Standing there
Shiny & proud by your side
Holding your hand
While the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable
Something to hide?
YAR-R-R-R-R-G-H!

A lot of people don't bother about their friends in the VEGETABLE KINGDOM. They think, "Ah, what can I say? What can a person like myself say to a vegetable?" But the answer is simple, my friends . . . just call . . . and tell them how you feel . . . about MUFFINS, PUMPKINS, WAX PAPER, CALEDONIA, MAHOGANIES, ELBOWS AND GREEN THINGS IN GENERAL . . . and soon: A NEW RAPPORT! You and your new little green & yellow buddies . . . grooving together! OH NO! Maintaining your coolness together! Worshipping together in the church of your choice! ONLY IN AMERICA! Woh-oh-oh-ah-agh-h . . .

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
AR-R-H-R that the vegetable
Will respond to you . . .
OH NO! Can you see them responding?
The PUMPKIN is breathing hard:

HUFFA PUFFA HUFFA PUFFA etc.
what a pumpkin . . .

There's a big dilemma
About my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
There's a big dilemma
About my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
She was my steady date
Until she put on weight

There's a big dilemma
About my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
There's a big dilemma
About my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
She used to knock me out
Until her face broke out

ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma
ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma
ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma
ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma
Emma

ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma
ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma
ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma
ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma
Emma

(Sock it to me!)

There's a big dilemma
About my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
There's a big dilemma
About my Big Leg Emma, uh-huh, oh yeah
She used to knock me out
Until her face broke out

( . . . my love . . . )

Why don'tcha do me right?
Why don'tcha do me right?
Why don'tcha do me right?
You got me pulled up tight
Why don'tcha do me right?

You got me beggin' on my knees
You got me beggin' on my knees
You got me beggin' on my knees
Say-in' baby please
Come back to me

You're tryin' to wreck my life
I know you're tryin' to wreck my life
I know you're tryin' to wreck my life
And all I wanted was a wife
I know you're tryin' to wreck my life

Now what you tryin' to do?
Now what you tryin' to do?
Now what you tryin' to do?
I been true to you
Now what you tryin' to do?

Why don'tcha do me right?
Why don'tcha do me right?
Why don'tcha do me right?
You got me pulled up tight
Why don'tcha do me right?

(But baby, I think I love you
But baby, I think I love you
Baby!)

Why don'tcha do me right?
Why don'tcha do me right?
Why don'tcha do me right?
I wanna boogie all night
Why don'tcha do me right?

1-2-Buckle my shoe . . .
Da-Doop Doop Doop Doop Doop Doo-da-Doop
Da-Doop Doop Doop Doop Doop Doop Doop
Da-Doopy Doopy Doopy Doopy Diddly Doopy etc.
Oh no! Oh no-o-o!

I tried to find
How my heart
Could be so blind, (wanna buy some pencils?) Dear
How could I be fooled
Just like the rest
You came on strong
With your fast car
And your class ring
Sad eyes & your bran flakes
I fell for the whole thing
I don't regret
Having met
Up with a girl who breaks
Hearts like they were
Nothing at all (here's one for mother!)
I've done it too
Now I know
Just what it feels like . . .

Ooo-Ooo-Ooo etc., etc.,
AH-AH WA WA WA WA WA WA WAH!

I'm losin' status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school . . .
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
I was the king of every school activity
But that's no more . . . oh mama!
What will come of me?

The other night we painted posters
They played some records by the Coasters
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
A bunch of pom-pom girls looked down their nose at me.
They had painted tons of posters; I had painted three.
I hear the secret whispers everywhere I go
My school spirit is at an all-time low . . . BLA-A-A-A!

I'm losing status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school . . .
BOW WOW WOW WOW!
Everyone in town knows I'm a hand-some football star
I sing & dance & spray my hair & drive a shiny car
I'm friendly & I'm charming . . . I belong to De Molay
I'm gonna try like mad to get my status back today!
Status back baby
Status back baby
Status back baby
Status back baby

I'm dreaming . . . (Oh no-o-o!)

There's a bomb to blow your mommy up
A bomb for your daddy too
(Ouch)
A baby doll that burps & pees
A case of airplane glue
A hungry plastic troll
To scarf your buddy's arm
A box of ugly plastic things marked:
Uncle Bernie's Farm!

There's a little plastic congress
There's a nation you can buy
(I'll take two)
There's a doll that looks like mommy
She'll do anything but cry
(I seen her)
There's a doll that looks like daddy
He's a funny little man
Push a button & ask for money
There's a dollar in his hand
(Check his wallet)

We gotta send Santa Claus back to the Rescue Mission
Christmas don't make it no more
Don't you know that murder & destruction
Scream the toys in every store
(Think this'll sell in New York?)

There's a man who runs the country
There's a man who tried to think
And they're all made out of plastic
When they melt they start to stink
There's a book with smiling children
Nearly dead with Christmas joy!
And smiling in his office
Is the creep who makes the toys . . .

FZ: We got this car: when it hits the wall you see the guy dying . . . you got the little plastic puddles of blood that you put up on the car
I'M DREAMING . . .
Ray: And his intestines . . . you have plastic intestines you can stuff back into his stomach . . .
FZ: There's this other thing, I've got bombs. I've got rockets, I've got a . . . I've got a stilson wrench & plastic brass knuckles . . .
Ray: And it comes with a tape recorder with sound effects . . . screaming and crying
FZ: We got a '39 Chevy . . .

Suzy Creamcheese
Oh mama, now . . .
What's got into ya?

Suzy you were such a sweetie
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Once you were my one & only
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Blew your mind on too much Kool-Aid
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Took my stash & left me lonely
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Suzy Creamcheese
Oh baby, now . . .
What's got into ya?
Yea-yea-yea-yea-yeah!
Suzy Creamcheese
Oh mama, now . . .
What's got into ya?

Got to find my Suzy Creamcheese
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Think I'll go and start my car
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Really dig her; she's so freaky
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Heard The Heat knows where you are
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Suzy Creamcheese
Oh baby, now . . .
What's got into ya?
Yea-yea-yea-yea-yeah!
Suzy Creamcheese
Oh mama, now . . .
What's got into ya?

Cruised the Strip & went to Canter's
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Suzy creamcheese, please come home
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Vito says she split for Berkeley
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Protest marching Styrofoam
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Suzy Creamcheese
Oh baby, now . . .
What's got into ya?
Yea-yea-yea-yea-yeah!
Suzy Creamcheese
Oh mama, now . . .
What's got into ya?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Brown shoes
Don't make it
Brown shoes
Don't make it
Quit school
Why fake it?
Brown shoes
Don't make it . . .

TV dinner by the pool
Watch your brother grow a beard
Got another year of school
You're okay—he's too weird
Be a plumber
He's a bummer
He's a bummer
Every summer
Be a loyal plastic robot for a world that doesn't care . . .
Smile at every ugly
Shine on your shoes & cut your hair

Be a joik
And go t' woik
Be a joik
And go t' woik
Be a joik
And go t' woik
Be a joik
And go t' woik
Do your job & do it right
Life's a ball
TV tonight . . .
Do you love it?
Do you hate it?
There it is . . .
The way you made it . . .
YARRRRRRRRRRRGH-H-H!

A world of secret hungers
Perverting the men who make your laws
Every desire is hidden away
In a drawer . . . in a desk
By a Naugahyde chair
On a rug where they walk and drool
Past the girls in the office

Hratche-plche
Hratche-plche
Hratche-plche
Hratche-plche

We see in the back of the City Hall mind
The dream of a girl about thirteen
Off with her clothes and into a bed
Where she tickles his fancy all night lonnnnnnnnng

His wife's attending an orchid show
She squealed for a week to get him to go
But back in the bed, his teen-age queen
Is rocking & rolling & acting obscene
Baby baby
Hratche-plche
Hratche-plche
Baby baby
Hratche-plche
Hratche-plche

And he loves it! He loves it! It curls up his toes
She bites his fat neck and it lights up his nose
But he cannot be fooled, old City Hall Fred
She's nasty! She's nasty! She digs it in bed!

Do it again and do it some more
That does it by golly, it's nasty for sure
Nasty nasty nasty, nasty nasty nasty
(Only thirteen and she knows how to nasty . . . )

She's a dirty young mind
Corrupted, corroded
Well she's thirteen today
And I hear she gets loaded
P-pum-m-mum-m-mum-m-mum
P-pum-m-mum-m-mum-m-mum
P-bum

If she were my daughter, I'd . . .
What would you do daddy?
If she were my daughter, I'd . . .
What would you do daddy?
If she were my daughter, I'd . . .
What would you do daddy?
Smother my daughter in chocolate syrup
And strap her on again, oh baby!
Smother that girl in chocolate syrup
And strap her on again
She's a teen-age baby and she turns me on
I'd like to make her do a nasty on the White House lawn
Gonna smother that girl in chocolate syrup—
And boogie till the cows come home

Time to go home—Madge is on the phone
Gotta meet the Gurney's
And a dozen grey attorneys
TV dinner by the pool
I'm so glad I finished school
Life is such a ball
I run the world from City Hall!

Here's a special request . . . hope you'll enjoy it!

I tried to find
How my heart
Could be so blind, dear
How could I be fooled
Just like the rest
You came on strong
With your fast car
And your class ring
Soft voice and your sad eyes
I fell for the whole thing
I don't regret
Having met
Up with a girl who
Breaks hearts like they were
Nothing at all
I've done it too
Now I know
Just what it feels like
And just like I said
There's no regrets

. . . Well, it's about time to close . . . I hope you've had as much fun as we have. Don't forget the jam session Sunday . . . MANDY TENSION will be by, playing his xylophone troupe. It's really been a lot of fun. Monday night is the dance contest night: THE TWIST CONTEST . . . we're gonna give away peanut butter & jelly & baloney samwiches for all of ya. IT REALLY HAS BEEN FUN. I hope we've played your requests . . . the songs you like to hear . . . LAST CALL FOR ALCOHOL! Drink it up, folks. Wonnerful. Nice to see you, Bob . . . how's it goin'? How's the kids? Wonnerful. Nice to see ya. Yes. BILL BAILEY? Oh . . . we'll get to that tomorrow night. Yeah. CARAVAN (with a drum sola)? Right. Yeah . . . we'll do that. Wonnerful. Nice to see you again. Yeah.

LA LA LA LA LAH-H-H-H!
DOWN AT THE POMPADOUR A-GO-GO
LA LA LA LA LAH-H-H-H!
VO DO DEE OH PEE PEE
SHOOBE DOOT-N-DAH-DAH-DAH
YA DA DA-A-A-A-H-H-H-H-H!
NA NYA DA DA DA DA DAH-H-H-H-H-H!
Nite all.