Frank Zappa's 200 Motels

Frank Zappa's 200 Motels

(Featuring The Mothers Of Invention and The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, 2LP, Bizarre/United Artists UAS 9956, October 4, 1971)

disc 1

  1. Semi-Fraudulent/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture 1:59
  2. Mystery Roach 2:32
  3. Dance Of The Rock & Roll Interviewers 0:48
  4. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue) 0:55
  5. Tuna Fish Promenade 2:29
  6. Dance Of The Just Plain Folks 4:40
  7. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Reprise) 0:58
  8. The Sealed Tuna Bolero 1:40
  9. Lonesome Cowboy Burt 3:59
  10. Touring Can Make You Crazy 2:52
  11. Would You Like A Snack? 1:23
  12. Redneck Eats 3:02
  13. Centerville 2:31
  14. She Painted Up Her Face 1:41
  15. Janet's Big Dance Number 1:18
  16. Half A Dozen Provocative Squats 1:57
  17. Mysterioso 0:48
  18. Shove It Right In 2:32
  19. Lucy's Seduction Of A Bored Violinist & Postlude 4:01

disc 2

  1. I'm Stealing The Towels 2:14
  2. Dental Hygiene Dilemma 5:11
  3. Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You? 2:59
  4. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy 3:11
  5. Penis Dimension 4:37
  6. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning 3:32
  7. A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes 1:08
  8. Magic Fingers 3:53
  9. Motorhead's Midnight Ranch 1:28
  10. Dew On The Newts We Got 1:09
  11. The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts 0:41
  12. The Girl Wants To Fix Him Some Broth 1:10
  13. The Girl's Dream 0:54
  14. Little Green Scratchy Sweaters & Courduroy Ponce 1:00
  15. Strictly Genteel (The Finale) 11:10

    200 MOTELS PROMOTIONAL RADIO SPOTS:

  16. "Coming Soon! . . . " 0:55
  17. "The Wide Screen Erupts . . . " 0:57
  18. "Coming Soon! . . . " 0:31
  19. "Frank Zappa's 200 Motels . . . " 0:13
  20. Magic Fingers (Single Edit) 2:58

Enhanced Track

Pinewood Studios, London, UK
January 28-February 5, 1971

Overdubs at Whitney Studios, L.A.
Summer 1971

Produced by Frank Zappa

live recording facilities: The Mobile Rolling Stones
live recording engineer: Bob Auger
overdub & re-mix engineer: Barry Keene
reduction facilities: Whitney Studios
road manager: Dick Barber
technicians: Paul Hoff & Dave O'Neil

album package & book design: Cal Schenkel
cover/poster design & illustration: Dave McMacken

The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra conducted by Elgar Howarth

The MOTHERS on this particular occasion:
FZ—guitar & bass
Mark Volman—vocals & special material
Howrd Kaylan—vocals & special material
Ian Underwood—keyboards & winds
Aynsley Dunbar—drums
George Duke—keyboards & trombone
Martin Lickert—bass
Jimmy Carl Black—vocal on LONESOME COWBOY BURT
Ruth Underwood—orchestra drum set
Jim Pons—voice of the "Bad Conscience"

The Top Score Singers conducted by David Van Asch
Phyllis Bryn-Julson—soprano
Classical Guitar Ensemble supervised by John Williams
Narrated by Theodore Bikel

disc 1

1. Semi-Fraudulent/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture 1:59

Theodore Bikel:
Ladies 'n gentlemen

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels

Theodore Bikel:
Two Hundred Motels
Life on the road!

Theodore Bikel:
Ladies 'n gentlemen!
And here he is!

Chorus:
Who?

Theodore Bikel:
Larry the Dwarf!

Chorus:
Yay!

Theodore Bikel:
Larry likes to dress up funny. Tonight he's dressed up like Frank Zappa. Let's ask him what's the deal.

Say!

2. Mystery Roach 2:32

Ow! Look out!
Ow! Look out!
Ow! Look out!

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach be arrivin' soon
Ya-ooo, ya-ooo, ya-ooo, ya-ooo

That mystery roach be approachin'
That mystery roach be approachin' me
La la la la la la la, oof!

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach been gone
Ya-ooo-ooo-oo-ooo
Ya-ooo-ooo-oo-ooo

That mystery roach be approachin'
That mystery roach be approachin' me
La la la la la la la, oof!
That mystery roach be approachin'
That mystery roach be approachin' me
La la la la la la la, oof!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Hi, all you people out there watching the movie!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Howard:
Ah! Hold it! Wait a minute!
Stop that music!
Please . . .
Hold it!
Wait a minute!
Ah . . .
What are we SINGING about?
A mystery roach?
We must be . . . FLIPPING OUT!

3. Dance Of The Rock & Roll Interviewers 0:48

 

4. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue) 0:55

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued
We get a few in every tour
I think we've played this one before

5. Tuna Fish Promenade 2:29

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna samwich
Sealed tuna samwich
With the wrapper glued
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a place for us to play
To help us pay
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.

All the people in the samwich town
Think the place is great!
What if part of it's crumblin' down?
Most of them prob'ly won't be 'round

They'll either be dead
Or moved to San Francisco
Where everybody thinks they're heavy business

But it's just a tuna sandwich
From another catering service

6. Dance Of The Just Plain Folks 4:40

 

7. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Reprise) 0:58

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued
We get a few in every tour
They're always such a fucking bore

I can't wait till we blow this town and work a place with some local hot action!

8. The Sealed Tuna Bolero 1:40

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna samwich
Sealed tuna samwich
With the wrapper glued
(With the wrapper glued)
It's by baloney on the rack
(Rant-tant-tant
Tant-tant-tant
Tant-tant-tant)
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a rancid little snack
In a plastic pack
From a matron in La Habra with a blown-out crack
Who dies to suck the fringe off of Jimmy Carl Black!

9. Lonesome Cowboy Burt 3:59

My name is Burtram
I am a redneck
All my friends,
They call me 'Burt'
(Hi, Burt!)
All my family,
From down in Texas
Make their livin'
Diggin' dirt

Come out here to Californy,
Just to find me
Some pretty girls
Ones I seen
Gets me so horny;
Ruby lips,
'N teeth like pearls!

Wanna love 'em all!
Wanna love 'em dearly!
Wanna pretty girl—
I'll even pay!
I'll buy 'em furs!
I'll buy 'em jewelry!
I know they like me;
Here's what I say:

I'm lonesome Cowboy Burt!
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance,
On this here waitress . . .
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-hey
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!

(He's lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt)
Come on in this place,
'N I'll buy you a taste,
You can sit on my face—
Where's my waitress?

Burtram, Burtram redneck
Burtram, Burtram redneck

I'm an awful nice guy!
Sweat all day in the sun!
Roofer by trade,
Quite a bundle I've made,
I'm unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun!
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun!)

When I get off, I get plastered
Drink till I fall onna floor,
Find me some Communist bastard,
'N stomp on his face till he don't
Move no more!
(He stomps on his face till he don't
Move no more!)

I fuss, an' I cuss an' I keep on drinkin',
Till my eyes puff up an' turn red!
I drool on m'shirt,
I see if he's hurt,
Kick him again in the head, yes!
Kick him again in the head, boys!
Kick him again in the head, now!
KICK HIM AGAIN IN THE HEAD!

Lonesome Cowboy Burt!
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance,
On this here waitress . . .
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-yeh
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!

(HE'S LONESOME COWBOY BURT,
A-don'tcha get his feelin's hurt)
Yeah . . . but come on in this place,
An' I'll buy you a taste,
'N you can sit on my face—
Where's my waitress?
OPAL, YOU HOT LITTLE BITCH!

10. Touring Can Make You Crazy 2:52

 

11. Would You Like A Snack? 1:23

Went on the road
For a month touring
What a drag
Y' gotta go
Even if y'd rather be at home
Flaked out
In Hollywood
Drove to Inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit into the plane at five-o-three
What's it gonna be?
Chicken, beef or turkey?
La la la la
Would you like a snack?

12. Redneck Eats 3:02

JCB:
Hey, who are these dudes?
Are you a boy?
Or a girl?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

Chorus:
Or a turkey?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

JCB:
What the fuck was that?
Wonder if that son of a bitch can play somethin' I might even like . . .

Chorus:
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

JCB:
Hey twerp . . . play me somethin' I can enjoy!

13. Centerville 2:31

Centerville
A real nice place to raise your kids up
Centerville
It's really neat!

Churches!
Churches!
And liquor stores!

14. She Painted Up Her Face 1:41

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The STARE!
The STARE!

(The 'secret stare' she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear)

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
(Ah-hoo-ah-hoo-wah-hoo-wahhhh)
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

15. Janet's Big Dance Number 1:18

 

16. Half A Dozen Provocative Squats 1:57

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour!
She finishes her call;
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats!
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots;
Brushes her teeth;
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat . . .
(It's getting her, getting her
Hot—Oh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh)
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off,
A sad but typical case, yeah
Last dude to do her
Got in and got soft;
She blew it,
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah

17. Mysterioso 0:48

 

18. Shove It Right In 2:32

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in!
(She dances, she prances, she dances, she prances
She prances, she prances, she . . . )
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups,
(Yeah-yeah-yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;
Twenty or thirty at times there have been—
Somewhat desirable boys there—
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair—
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;
Twenty or thirty at times there have been—
Somewhat desirable boys there—
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair—
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

19. Lucy's Seduction Of A Bored Violinist & Postlude 4:01

 

disc 2

1. I'm Stealing The Towels 2:14

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels
Two Hundred Motels
Tan-toon ran-tan na-na-han-nnnn
Two Hundred Motels

Jeff:
I'm stealing the towels

2. Dental Hygiene Dilemma 5:11

Jeff:
Ha-nin-noon-toon han-toon-han

Good Conscience:
No, Jeff!

Jeff:
Han-toon-ran-toon-han-toon-fram-in
Han-toon-ran-toon-han-toon-fram-in

Good Conscience:
No no no!

Jeff:
Man! This stuff is great! It's just as if Donovan himself had appeared on my very own TV . . . with words of peace, love and eternal cosmic wisdom! Leading me . . . guiding me on paths of everlasting pseudo-karmic negligence in the very midst of my drug-induced . . . nocturnal emission.

Good Conscience:
. . . For I am your good conscience, Jeff, I know all . . . I see all . . . I am a cosmic love pulse matrix becoming a technicolor inter-positive.

Jeff:
Heh? . . . Where'd you buy that incense? It's hip.

Good Conscience:
It's the same and mysterious exotic oriental fragrance as what The Beatles get off on.

Jeff:
I thought I recognized it. Mmmm, what is that? Musk?

Good Conscience:
Jeff, I know what's good for you.

Jeff:
Right. You're heavy . . .

Good Conscience:
Yes, Jeff. I am your guiding light . . . listen to me . . . Don't rip off the towels, Jeff!

Bad Conscience:
Piss off, you little nitwit.

Jeff:
Hey man . . . what's the deal?

Good Conscience:
Don't listen to him, Jeff. He's no good . . . He'll make you do bad things!

Jeff:
You mean . . . he'll make me sin?

Good Conscience:
Yes, Jeff . . . sin.

Jeff:
Wow!

Bad Conscience:
Jeff, I'd like to have a word with you . . . about your soul . . .

Good Conscience:
No! Don't listen, Jeff!

Bad Conscience:
Why are you wasting your life . . . night after night playing this comedy music . . .

Jeff:
You're right . . . I'm too heavy to be in this group . . .

Bad Conscience:
Comedy music . . .

Good Conscience:
Jeff! Your soul!

Chorus:
You're wasting your life
You're much too heavy Jeff
To be

Jeff:
. . . In this group all I ever get to do is play Zappa's comedy music . . . He eats.

Good Conscience:
Jeff!

Jeff:
I get so tense . . .

Bad Conscience:
Of course you do, my boy

Jeff:
The stuff he makes me do
Is always off the wall

Bad Conscience:
That's why it would be best
To leave his stern employ

Jeff:
And quit the group . . .

Bad Conscience:
You'll make it big

Jeff:
That's right!

Bad Conscience:
Of course

Jeff:
And then I won't be small!

Chorus:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha
He-he-he-he-he
Ho ho ho ho

Jeff:
Heh heh heh
. . . Cough cough . . . Ahmet Ertegun used this towel as a bath mat six weeks ago at a rancid motel in Orlando, Florida, with the highest mildew rating of any commercial lodging facility within the territorial limits of the United States, naturally excluding tropical possessions . . . mmmjigspffftgmmd . . . It's still damp! What an aroma!
This is the best I ever got off . . . What can I say about this elixir? Try it on steaks . . . cleans nylons . . . small craft warnings. It's great for the home . . . the office . . . on fruits . . .

Bad Conscience:
This is the real you, Jeff . . . Rip off a few more ashtrays, get rid of that inner tension, quit the comedy group . . . get your own group together . . . heavy . . . like Grand Funk. Or Black Sabbath!

Good Conscience:
No, Jeff!

Jeff:
. . . Or Coven!

Good Conscience:
Peace! Love!

Bad Conscience:
Bollocks!

Jeff:
What can I say about this elixir?

Howard:
Jeff has gone out there on that stuff.

Good Conscience:
He should have never have used the elixir . . . and only stuck to the incense . . . Oh Atlantis.

Mark:
That was Billy The Mountain dressed up like Donovan fading out on the wall mounted TV screen. Jeff is . . . flipping out . . . road fatigue . . . We gotta get him back to normal before Zappa finds out . . . and steals it and makes him do it in the movie!

Bad Conscience:
You have a brilliant career ahead of you, my boy . . . just get out of this group!

Mark:
Howard! That was Studebaker Hoch dressed up like Jim Pons giving career guidance to the bass player of a rock-oriented comedy group! Jeff's imagination has gone beyond the fringe of audience comprehension.

Howard:
Jeff, Jeff, it's me, The Phlorescent Leech!

Mark:
Jeff, Jeff, it's me, Eddie!

Jeff & Mark:
What can I say about this elixir?

Mark:
Well, put it on your steaks, uh send it overseas [for . . . killing ground], and put it on your surfboard you won't slip off, try it on your [...], and on the, the red balloons, you can blow up all balloons with it. Put it on your . . . heh . . . on . . . on your pizzas. Put it on your shoes, tie your bike with it, and fill up your tires with it . . .

Howard:
Use it to clean your swimming pool, sell it to your mother and tell her it's a Rit tie-dye kit you won't even believe what'll happen when you starch your shirt with it. Ironing goes easier. And your car windows never looked better in your whole life. Ladies and gentlemen, you can inhale it and it makes your voice three keys higher, and you can't even stand what happens when you put it in your hair. As hair tonic. Heh heh. And if you ever tried it as a . . .

Jim Pons:
Soak your shirts in it, soak your teeth in it, let it play the piano, tow it up around the block, wear it instead of jeans, bathe your puppies with it, feed it to your ducks, use it instead of chlorine in your swimming pool, breathe it, rub it . . .

Group:
What . . .
What can I . . .
What . . .
What can I say about this . . .

3. Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You? 2:59

includes a quotation from Hip Hug-Her (Cropper/Dunn/Jackson/Jones)

Mark & Howard:
Dwee doo dee-oo-poo fram, minnn
Han nin-att
Han nin-att . . .

Jeff:
Does this kind of life look interesting to you? . . . Night after night, dinners with Herb Cohen, thrill-packed, fun-filled evenings, on the French Riviera at the Midem convention, a beige tie, the whole bit, watch Mutt eat and Leon feed the geese, one thousand green business cards with your name and the wrong address plus six royalty statements, inspected and customized by Rantoon Tan, Hantoon Frammin, and Dee, followed by twelve potential sucides, as the members of your group, past and present, find out they can't collect unemployment? A dog, a car, an epidemic of body lice, and your own record company, your name on the door, electric buzzer to the inner office, and Ona's tits, and a three month supply of German bookings with tickets on Air Rangoon. Does this kind of life look interesting to you? As a fake rock and roll guitar player in a comedy group?

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels
Two Hundred Motels
Tan-toon ran-tan-na-na-han nnnn
Two Hundred Motels

Jeff:
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the room

Chorus:
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the . . .
I'm stealing the room
Stealing
I'm stealing the . . .
I am . . . mmm
Steel
I am steel
Steel
S-s-steel
I am steel
Steel

4. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy 3:11

includes a quotation from Tell Me You Love Me

Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off
(Yeah)
She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

That she knows what she wants
Knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out . . . she's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
(La la la la la)
And she drove to the club
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
You know that her and her partner
(La la la la la)
Came here lookin' for love
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
They want a guy from a group
(La la la la la)
Got a thing in a charts
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what they want
(Do it, d'ya wanna-wanna?)
And they know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out . . . they got their eyes on you

FAM-BAM-YAK-A-TA-TAHHH!

They know what they want
Know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Awright, you got 'em screamin' all night
(La la la la la)
Screamin' all night

Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
It's a Bentley!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
It's a Cooper!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
It's a Chevy!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
Or a Lincoln!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
['Cause they're dancin'!]
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo . . .

5. Penis Dimension 4:37

Penis dimension!
Penis dimension?
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot

No!

Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan
That the size of your cock is not monstrous enough

No!

It's your penis dimension
Penis dimension

Howard:
Wah
Wah

Mark:
Hiya, friends. Now, just be honest about it . . . Did you ever consider the possibility that YOUR PENIS, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of subconscious tension?! Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician, a policeman, a Jesuit Monk, a rock & roll guitar player, a wino . . . you name it! Or, in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone beef-up, they become writers of hot books . . .

Howard:
"Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim . . ."

Mark:
Yes, or they become Carmelite Nuns . . .

Howard:
". . . Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit . . ."

Mark:
. . . Or race horse jockeys! There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the troubles of the world!

Howard:
Right on! Right on!

Mark:
Now, if you are a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school:

Mark & Howard:
"ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED!"

Mark:
Yes, and isn't it the truth?! And if you're a guy and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool . . . I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear you're being so cool . . . and somebody hits on you one night and he looks you up and down and he says:

Howard:
"Eight inches or less?"

Mark:
Well, let me tell you brothers, that's the time when you got to turn around and look that sonafabitch right between the eyes and you got to tell him these words . . .

6. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning 3:32

Jeff Simmons—bass

What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning

What will I say
The next day to whatever
I drag to my hotel tonight?
(If things go all right!)

What will I say
The next day to whatever
I drag to my hotel tonight?
(Will she be outasite?)

What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
A succulent fat one
A mod little flat one
Maybe a hot one (to give me the clap!)
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
If things go all right!
(If things go all right!)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
Will she be outasite?
(Will she be outasite?)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
If things go all right!
(If things go all right!)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
Will she be outasite?
(Will she be outasite?)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
If things go all right!
(If things go all right!)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
Will she be outasite?
(Will she be outasite?)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
If things go all right!
(If things go all right!)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
Will she be outasite?
(Will she be outasite?)

What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?
(What will I say the next day to whatever I drag to my hotel tonight?)
If things go all right!
(If things go all right!)

What will I say the next day . . .

7. A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes 1:08

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Why don't you strap on
This here bunch
Of cardboard boxes, daddy-o
(Joy of my desiring)
You'll certainly look suave
And get me hot
Hot
Hot
Get me hot and horny

Chorus:
Ah oo

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
If there's one thing I really get off on

Chorus:
YOINNGG!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
It's a nun suit painted on some old boxes
Some old melodies
Four-four
An aura . . .
An areaola . . .
Pink gums . . .
Stumpy gray teeth . . .
Dental floss
Gets me hot
Wanna watch a dental hygiene movie?

8. Magic Fingers 3:53

Ooh, the way you love me, lady,
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar,
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Mark:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
Well, you know I do, babe

Mark:
Well, tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

Howard:
Oh, no, no, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Or I'll pack up and go!

Howard:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away,
Don't you treat me cold

Howard:
HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!
Well, there are a lot of reasons why I'd . . . I'd drag a girl such as yourself back to this . . . plastic hotel room and . . . rip you off for spare change to run a . . . to run a vibrating machine attached to this queen-size, bulk-purchase, kapok-infested, do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty-of-law type bed and . . . and make you take off all your little clothes . . . until you were nearly STARK RAVING NUDE! (Save for your chrome-with-heavy-duty-leather-thong Peace Medallion, heh . . . ) And make you assume a series of marginally erotic poses involving . . . a plastic chair and . . . an old guitar strap while I . . . did a wee-wee in your hair and . . . beat you with a pair of tennis shoes . . . I got from Jeff Beck.

9. Motorhead's Midnight Ranch 1:28

 

10. Dew On The Newts We Got 1:09

Dew
On the newts we got
Newt money due
It's a payment on the rental
For the dewy little newts
We got

We got 'em dewy
Left 'em in the yard all night
Hope they didn't get uptight

The little vixens
The saucy little vixens
I hope they didn't get pissed off

I hope
They they
Did not
Did not
I hope
That they
Did not
Dash off
Into the night!

11. The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts 0:41

Blorp!
Blorp
Tss

The lad searches the night for his newts

Blorp!

Tsss-t

Blorp

12. The Girl Wants To Fix Him Some Broth 1:10

Narrator:
The girl wants to fix him some broth

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Tinsel cock

Chorus:
Doo-wee-do
Tinsel cock my baby

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Would you like some broth?

Narrator:
Some nice soup

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Some hot broth?

Chorus:
Yum!

Narrator:
Small dogs in it

Chorus:
Doggies

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Do ya?

Narrator:
You like broth?

Chorus:
Doo wad'n' um

Narrator:
Dog broth?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hot broth?

Chorus:
Hot dog broth

Narrator:
You like
Dog broth hot?

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Hot dog debris?

Chorus:
Debris!

Narrator:
How d'ya like it?

Chorus:
Dog breath?
Dog broth?
Dog breath broth?

Narrator:
Debris?
Of the four styles offered:
Debris, broth, breath
And the ever popular, hygienic
European version
Tinsel cock!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson & Chorus:
Tinsel cock

Narrator:
Which do you choose?

13. The Girl's Dream 0:54

Narrator:
The girl

Chorus:
Duh girl wants ta fix him some broth

Narrator:
In a statement to the press

Chorus:
D-d-d-duhhh

Narrator:
Explains . . .

14. Little Green Scratchy Sweaters & Courduroy Ponce 1:00

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Broth reminds me of nuns

Chorus:
Nuns
Nuns
Nuns

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
I see them smashing

Chorus:
Kids

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
With rulers

Chorus:
Bap!

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Disciplining munchkin cretins
Tortured munchkins
Tortured munchkin

Chorus:
Munchkin cretins
Munchkin victims

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Irish Catholic victims
Little green scratchy sweaters

Chorus:
Sweaters

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Little green scratchy ones

Chorus:
Corduroy pants

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Brown corduroy pants

Chorus:
Doo ah
Doo ah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Corduroy pants
An' green scratchy
Munchkin Irish Catholic victims

Chorus:
Munchkins
Munch-a-kins

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Munchkins get me hot

Chorus:
Oo ah

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
Munchkins get me get me ee
Oo ah ee oo

Narrator:
Hot!
Gets her real hot!

15. Strictly Genteel (The Finale) 11:10

includes a theme from Inca Roads and The Finale

Theodore Bikel:
This, as you might have guessed, is the end of the movie. The entire cast is assembled here at the Centerville Recreational Facility to bid farewell to you, and to express thanks for your attendance at this theater. This might seem old fashioned to some of you, but I'd like to join in on this song. It's the kind of a sentimental song that you get at the end of a movie, it's the kind of a song that people might sing to let you in the audience know that we really like you and care about you, yeah . . . Understand how hard it is to laugh these days, with all the terrible problems in the world!

Lord, have mercy on the people in England,
For the terrible food these people must eat
(Bwaarp! . . . excuse me a minute)
And may the Lord have mercy on the fate of this movie
And God bless the mind of the man in the street

Chorus:
Help all the rednecks and the flatfoot policemen
Through the terrible functions they all must perform
God help the wine-os, the junkies and the weirdos

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
And e'vry poor soul who's adrift in the storm

Group & Chorus:
Help e'vrybody so they all get some action,
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction

Phyllis Bryn-Julson:
A room and a meal
And a garbage disposal
A lawn and a hose'll
Be strictly genteel

Group:
Reach out your hand to the girl in the dog book
The girl in the pig book and the one with the horse
Make sure they keep all those businessmen happy
And the purple-lipped censors and the Germans, of course

Group & Chorus:
Help everybody, so they all get some action,
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction

Group:
A Sweddish apparatus
With a hood and a bludgeon
With a microwave oven
Honey, how do it feel yeah

Lord have mercy on the hippies and faggots
And the dykes and the weird little children they grow

Help the black man
Help the poor man
Help the milk man
Help the door man
Help the lonely, neglected old farts that I know

Theodore Bikel:
It's been swell havin' you with us tonight, folks!

Mark:
But, don't leave the theater yet, 'cause there's still more to come, but before we go on, I want to introduce to you my friend and musical associate, Howard Kaylan, who's going to give us all a final closing benediction . . .

Howard:
They're gonna clear out the studio
They're gonna tear down all the . . .
They're gonna whip down all the . . .
They're gonna sweep out all the . . .
They're gonna pay off all the . . .

Mark:
Oh, yeah!

Group:
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .
And then . . .

Hey hey hey, everybody in the orchestra and the chorus
Talkin' 'bout every one of our lovely and talented dancers
Talkin' 'bout the light bulb men
Camera men
The make-up men
(The fake-up men)
Yeah, the rake-up men
(Especially Herbie Cohen, yeah . . .)
They're all gonna rise up
They're gonna jump up
I said jump up
Talkin' 'bout jump right up and off the floor
Jump right up and hit the door
They're all gonna rise up and jump off!
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
They're gonna ride on home
And once again
Take themselves
Seriously, yeeeah!
Two, three, four, seriously
They're all gonna go home (ye-hey!)
Through the driving sleet and rain
They're all gonna go home
Through the fog, through the dust
Through the tropical fever and the blistering frost
They're all gonna go home
And get out of it as they can be, baby
And the same goes for me
(The same goes for me)
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!

And each and every member of this rock oriented comedy group in his own special way
Is gonna get out of it as he can be
We all gonna get wasted
We all gonna get twisted
We all gonna get wasted
We all gonna get twisted
And I am definitely gonna get . . .
REAMED
'Cause I'm such a lonely
I'm such a lonely
A lonely, lonely, talkin' 'bout a lonely guy!

Howard:
Oh, and I know tonight, I am definitely . . .
I am positively . . .
I just have to get . . .

Group:
BENT, REAMED AND WASTED

JCB & Group:
A disaster area the size of Atlantic City, New Jersey!

Howard:
He's making me do this, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't do it if it weren't for him. You noticed, all through this material, I've been glancing over toward my left? Well, I'll tell you the reason for that, ladies and gentlemen. HE is over there. HE is over on the left. HE is the guy that is making me do all this shit. Right over there. Now all through this movie, every time we've been on stage, I've had to look over in that direction, right? You saw it . . . you know. Well that's 'cause HE's over there. I've got to watch him for signs. He jumps up and down like a jackass. I can't even believe the guy sometimes. But we gotta watch him. "After all," we said, "it's Frank's movie." Now, we're THE MOTHERS, but it's still Frank's movie. Let's say it, he got to paid for it, he rented the studio, had all these cheesy sets built . . . it's so moche! I can't even stand it . . . He's telling everybody, right now, right over there, to . . .

200 MOTELS PROMOTIONAL RADIO SPOTS:

16. CUT 1 "Coming Soon! . . . " 0:55

includes parts of Strictly Genteel and I'm Stealing The Towels

Coming! Soon!
To a theater or drive-in near you . . .
Frank Zappa's incredible epic 200 MOTELS!
See the Mothers of Invention!
See Theodore Bikel!
See Ringo Starr!
See Keith Moon!
Romance!
Hot beats!
Romance!
Ah-hoo!
Hot beats!
Romance!
Mystery!
(You gotta show 'em funny cars, man)
(Ah-hoo!)
Funny cars!

Help everybody, so they all get some action
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction

That's right, you heard right
Frank Zappa's 200 Motels
With the Mothers of Invention
Theodore Bikel
And Ringo Starr

200 Motels

A United Artists release rated 'R'
Under seventeen admitted with parent

17. CUT 2 "The Wide Screen Erupts . . . " 0:57

includes parts of I'm Stealing The Towels, Strictly Genteel and Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You?

Murakami Wolf/Bizarre productions present:

200 Motels

The Wide Screen erupts with absurdities,
explodes with spine tingling psychological terror.
The mere human mind buggles at the philosophical implications as FRANK ZAPPA'S 200 MOTELS is unleashed in the totality of its pagan splendor.
Its primordial fury.
Star-studded cast . . .
And everything

That's right, you heard right
Frank Zappa's 200 Motels
With the Mothers of Invention
Theodore Bikel
And Ringo Starr

200 Motels

A United Artists release rated 'R'
Under seventeen admitted with parent

18. CUT 3 "Coming Soon! . . . " 0:31

Coming! Soon!
To a theater or drive-in near you!
Frank Zappa's epic motion picture 200 Motels!
See the Mothers of Invention!
See Theodore Bikel!
See Ringo Starr!
See Keith Moon!
See groupies and weirdos beyond your wildest expectations!
200 Motels, you can't believe the expense
The lavishness
The romance
The intrigue
The mystery
The ah-ooh,
200 Motels
Coming soon to a theater or drive-in near you

A United Artists release rated 'R'
Under seventeen admitted with parent

19. CUT 4 "Frank Zappa's 200 Motels . . . " 0:13

includes parts of I'm Stealing The Towels, Strictly Genteel and Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You?

200 Motels

Frank Zappa's 200 Motels!

A United Artists release rated 'R'
Under seventeen admitted with parent

20. Magic Fingers (Single Edit) 2:58

Ooh, the way you love me, lady,
I get so hard now I could die
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar,
I get so hard now I could die

Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes

Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Mark:
Do you really wanna please me?

Howard:
Well, you know I do, babe

Mark:
Well, tell me why you do it
I really wanna know

Howard:
Oh, no, no, it wouldn't be right
For me to tell you tonight

Mark:
You better tell me right away
Or I'll pack up and go!

Howard:
Don't get mad
It ain't no big thing

Mark:
You better tell me right away,
Don't you treat me cold

Howard:
HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!

 

All compositions by Frank Zappa except as noted
Site maintained by Román García Albertos
http://globalia.net/donlope/fz/
Original transcription from the 200 Motels—The Suites scores, The Real Frank Zappa Book, the 200 Motels press kit, and St. Alphonzo's Pancake Homepage, with corrections from Arf: Notes & Comments
Further corrections and additions by Román, Fast Frank, Biffyshrew, Tom Grose, Patrick Neve, Charles Ulrich, Stu Mark and Matt Olmos
This page updated: 2016-09-13