Frank Zappa's 200 Motels

(Featuring The Mothers Of Invention and The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, 2LP, Bizarre/United Artists UAS 9956, October 4, 1971)

disc 1

disc 2

Enhanced Track

live recording facilities: The Mobile Rolling Stones
live recording engineer: Bob Auger
overdub & re-mix engineer: Barry Keene
reduction facilities: Whitney Studios
road manager: Dick Barber
technicians: Paul Hoff & Dave O'Neil

disc 1

1. Semi-Fraudulent/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture 1:59

Theodore Bikel:
Ladies 'n gentlemen

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels

Theodore Bikel:
Two Hundred Motels
Life on the road!

Theodore Bikel:
Ladies 'n gentlemen!
And here he is!

Chorus:
Who?

Theodore Bikel:
Larry the Dwarf!

Chorus:
Yay!

Theodore Bikel:
Larry likes to dress up funny. Tonight he's dressed up like Frank Zappa. Let's ask him what's the deal.

Say!

2. Mystery Roach 2:32

Ow! Look out!
Ow! Look out!
Ow! Look out!

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach be arrivin' soon
Ya-ooo, ya-ooo, ya-ooo, ya-ooo

That mystery roach be approachin'
That mystery roach be approachin' me
La la la la la la la, oof!

How long?
How long?
Till that mystery roach been gone
Ya-ooo-ooo-oo-ooo
Ya-ooo-ooo-oo-ooo

That mystery roach be approachin'
That mystery roach be approachin' me
La la la la la la la, oof!
That mystery roach be approachin'
That mystery roach be approachin' me
La la la la la la la, oof!

Hi, all you people out there watching the movie!

Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!
Mystery mystery mystery mystery
Mystery mystery mystery roach!

Howard:
Ah! Hold it! Wait a minute!
Stop that music!
Please . . .
Hold it!
Wait a minute!
Ah . . .
What are we SINGING about?
A mystery roach?
We must be . . . FLIPPING OUT!

3. Dance Of The Rock & Roll Interviewers 0:48

4. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue) 0:55

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued
We get a few in every tour
I think we've played this one before

5. Tuna Fish Promenade 2:29

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna samwich
Sealed tuna samwich
With the wrapper glued
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a place for us to play
To help us pay
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.
The cost of the tickets back to L.A.

All the people in the samwich town
Think the place is great!
What if part of it's crumblin' down?
Most of them prob'ly won't be 'round

They'll either be dead
Or moved to San Francisco
Where everybody thinks they're heavy business

But it's just a tuna sandwich
From another catering service

6. Dance Of The Just Plain Folks 4:40

7. This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Reprise) 0:58

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued
We get a few in every tour
They're always such a fucking bore

I can't wait till we blow this town and work a place with some local hot action!

8. The Sealed Tuna Bolero 1:40

This town
This town
Is a sealed tuna samwich
Sealed tuna samwich
With the wrapper glued
(With the wrapper glued)
It's by baloney on the rack
(Rant-tant-tant
Tant-tant-tant
Tant-tant-tant)
It goes for forty cents a whack
It's just a rancid little snack
In a plastic pack
From a matron in La Habra with a blown-out crack
Who dies to suck the fringe off of Jimmy Carl Black!

9. Lonesome Cowboy Burt 3:59

My name is Burtram
I am a redneck
All my friends,
They call me 'Burt'
(Hi, Burt!)
All my family,
From down in Texas
Make their livin'
Diggin' dirt

Come out here to Californy,
Just to find me
Some pretty girls
Ones I seen
Gets me so horny;
Ruby lips,
'N teeth like pearls!

Wanna love 'em all!
Wanna love 'em dearly!
Wanna pretty girl—
I'll even pay!
I'll buy 'em furs!
I'll buy 'em jewelry!
I know they like me;
Here's what I say:

I'm lonesome Cowboy Burt!
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance,
On this here waitress . . .
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-hey
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!

(He's lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt)
Come on in this place,
'N I'll buy you a taste,
You can sit on my face—
Where's my waitress?

Burtram, Burtram redneck
Burtram, Burtram redneck

I'm an awful nice guy!
Sweat all day in the sun!
Roofer by trade,
Quite a bundle I've made,
I'm unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun!
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun!)

When I get off, I get plastered
Drink till I fall onna floor,
Find me some Communist bastard,
'N stomp on his face till he don't
Move no more!
(He stomps on his face till he don't
Move no more!)

I fuss, an' I cuss an' I keep on drinkin',
Till my eyes puff up an' turn red!
I drool on m'shirt,
I see if he's hurt,
Kick him again in the head, yes!
Kick him again in the head, boys!
Kick him again in the head, now!
KICK HIM AGAIN IN THE HEAD!

Lonesome Cowboy Burt!
(Speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt!
(Reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance,
On this here waitress . . .
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-yeh
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!

(HE'S LONESOME COWBOY BURT,
A-don'tcha get his feelin's hurt)
Yeah . . . but come on in this place,
An' I'll buy you a taste,
'N you can sit on my face—
Where's my waitress?
OPAL, YOU HOT LITTLE BITCH!

10. Touring Can Make You Crazy 2:52

London Symphony Orchestra Vol. II

11. Would You Like A Snack? 1:23

Went on the road
For a month touring
What a drag
Y' gotta go
Even if y'd rather be at home
Flaked out
In Hollywood
Drove to Inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit into the plane at five-o-three
What's it gonna be?
Chicken, beef or turkey?
La la la la
Would you like a snack?

12. Redneck Eats 3:02

JCB:
Hey, who are these dudes?
Are you a boy?
Or a girl?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

Chorus:
Or a turkey?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

JCB:
What the fuck was that?
Wonder if that son of a bitch can play somethin' I might even like . . .

Chorus:
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha

JCB:
Hey twerp . . . play me somethin' I can enjoy!

13. Centerville 2:31

London Symphony Orchestra Vol. II

Centerville
A real nice place to raise your kids up
Centerville
It's really neat!

Churches!
Churches!
And liquor stores!

14. She Painted Up Her Face 1:41

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The STARE!
The STARE!

(The 'secret stare' she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear)

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!
(Ah-hoo-ah-hoo-wah-hoo-wahhhh)
Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

15. Janet's Big Dance Number 1:18

16. Half A Dozen Provocative Squats 1:57

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour!
She finishes her call;
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats!
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots;
Brushes her teeth;
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat . . .
(It's getting her, getting her
Hot—Oh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh)
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off,
A sad but typical case, yeah
Last dude to do her
Got in and got soft;
She blew it,
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah

17. Mysterioso 0:48

18. Shove It Right In 2:32

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in!
(She dances, she prances, she dances, she prances
She prances, she prances, she . . . )
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups,
(Yeah-yeah-yeah)
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)
PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!
(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;
Twenty or thirty at times there have been—
Somewhat desirable boys there—
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair—
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

19. Lucy's Seduction Of A Bored Violinist & Postlude 4:01

disc 2

1. I'm Stealing The Towels 2:14

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels
Two Hundred Motels
Tan-toon ran-tan na-na-han-nnnn
Two Hundred Motels

Jeff:
I'm stealing the towels

2. Dental Hygiene Dilemma 5:11

Jeff:
Ha-nin-noon-toon han-toon-han

Good Conscience:
No, Jeff!

Jeff:
Han-toon-ran-toon-han-toon-fram-in
Han-toon-ran-toon-han-toon-fram-in

Good Conscience:
No no no!

Jeff:
Man! This stuff is great! It's just as if Donovan himself had appeared on my very own TV . . . with words of peace, love and eternal cosmic wisdom! Leading me . . . guiding me on paths of everlasting pseudo-karmic negligence in the very midst of my drug-induced . . . nocturnal emission.

Good Conscience:
. . . For I am your good conscience, Jeff, I know all . . . I see all . . . I am a cosmic love pulse matrix becoming a technicolor inter-positive.

Jeff:
Heh? . . . Where'd you buy that incense? It's hip.

Good Conscience:
It's the same and mysterious exotic oriental fragrance as what The Beatles get off on.

Jeff:
I thought I recognized it. Mmmm, what is that? Musk?

Good Conscience:
Jeff, I know what's good for you.

Jeff:
Right. You're heavy . . .

Good Conscience:
Yes, Jeff. I am your guiding light . . . listen to me . . . Don't rip off the towels, Jeff!

Bad Conscience:
Piss off, you little nitwit.

Jeff:
Hey man . . . what's the deal?

Good Conscience:
Don't listen to him, Jeff. He's no good . . . He'll make you do bad things!

Jeff:
You mean . . . he'll make me sin?

Good Conscience:
Yes, Jeff . . . sin.

Jeff:
Wow!

Bad Conscience:
Jeff, I'd like to have a word with you . . . about your soul . . .

Good Conscience:
No! Don't listen, Jeff!

Bad Conscience:
Why are you wasting your life . . . night after night playing this comedy music . . .

Jeff:
You're right . . . I'm too heavy to be in this group . . .

Bad Conscience:
Comedy music . . .

Good Conscience:
Jeff! Your soul!

Chorus:
You're wasting your life
You're much too heavy Jeff
To be

Jeff:
. . . In this group all I ever get to do is play Zappa's comedy music . . . He eats.

Good Conscience:
Jeff!

Jeff:
I get so tense . . .

Bad Conscience:
Of course you do, my boy

Jeff:
The stuff he makes me do
Is always off the wall

Bad Conscience:
That's why it would be best
To leave his stern employ

Jeff:
And quit the group . . .

Bad Conscience:
You'll make it big

Jeff:
That's right!

Bad Conscience:
Of course

Jeff:
And then I won't be small!

Chorus:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha
He-he-he-he-he
Ho ho ho ho

Jeff:
Heh heh heh
. . . Cough cough . . . Ahmet Ertegun used this towel as a bath mat six weeks ago at a rancid motel in Orlando, Florida, with the highest mildew rating of any commercial lodging facility within the territorial limits of the United States, naturally excluding tropical possessions . . . mmmjigspffftgmmd . . . It's still damp! What an aroma!
This is the best I ever got off . . . What can I say about this elixir? Try it on steaks . . . cleans nylons . . . small craft warnings. It's great for the home . . . the office . . . on fruits . . .

Bad Conscience:
This is the real you, Jeff . . . Rip off a few more ashtrays, get rid of that inner tension, quit the comedy group . . . get your own group together . . . heavy . . . like Grand Funk. Or Black Sabbath!

Good Conscience:
No, Jeff!

Jeff:
. . . Or Coven!

Good Conscience:
Peace! Love!

Bad Conscience:
Bollocks!

Jeff:
What can I say about this elixir?

Howard:
Jeff has gone out there on that stuff.

Good Conscience:
He should have never have used the elixir . . . and only stuck to the incense . . . Oh Atlantis.

Mark:
That was Billy The Mountain dressed up like Donovan fading out on the wall mounted TV screen. Jeff is . . . flipping out . . . road fatigue . . . We gotta get him back to normal before Zappa finds out . . . and steals it and makes him do it in the movie!

Bad Conscience:
You have a brilliant career ahead of you, my boy . . . just get out of this group!

Mark:
Howard! That was Studebaker Hoch dressed up like Jim Pons giving career guidance to the bass player of a rock-oriented comedy group! Jeff's imagination has gone beyond the fringe of audience comprehension.

Howard:
Jeff, Jeff, it's me, The Phlorescent Leech!

Mark:
Jeff, Jeff, it's me, Eddie!

Jeff & Mark:
What can I say about this elixir?

Mark:
Well, put it on your steaks, uh send it overseas [for . . . killing ground], and put it on your surfboard you won't slip off, try it on your [...], and on the, the red balloons, you can blow up all balloons with it. Put it on your . . . heh . . . on . . . on your pizzas. Put it on your shoes, tie your bike with it, and fill up your tires with it . . .

Howard:
Use it to clean your swimming pool, sell it to your mother and tell her it's a Rit tie-dye kit you won't even believe what'll happen when you starch your shirt with it. Ironing goes easier. And your car windows never looked better in your whole life. Ladies and gentlemen, you can inhale it and it makes your voice three keys higher, and you can't even stand what happens when you put it in your hair. As hair tonic. Heh heh. And if you ever tried it as a . . .

Jim Pons:
Soak your shirts in it, soak your teeth in it, let it play the piano, tow it up around the block, wear it instead of jeans, bathe your puppies with it, feed it to your ducks, use it instead of chlorine in your swimming pool, breathe it, rub it . . .

Group:
What . . .
What can I . . .
What . . .
What can I say about this . . .

3. Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You? 2:59

includes a quotation from Hip Hug-Her (Cropper/Dunn/Jackson/Jones)

Mark & Howard:
Dwee doo dee-oo-poo fram, minnn
Han nin-att
Han nin-att . . .

Jeff:
Does this kind of life look interesting to you? . . . Night after night, dinners with Herb Cohen, thrill-packed, fun-filled evenings, on the French Riviera at the Midem convention, a beige tie, the whole bit, watch Mutt eat and Leon feed the geese, one thousand green business cards with your name and the wrong address plus six royalty statements, inspected and customized by Rantoon Tan, Hantoon Frammin, and Dee, followed by twelve potential sucides, as the members of your group, past and present, find out they can't collect unemployment? A dog, a car, an epidemic of body lice, and your own record company, your name on the door, electric buzzer to the inner office, and Ona's tits, and a three month supply of German bookings with tickets on Air Rangoon. Does this kind of life look interesting to you? As a fake rock and roll guitar player in a comedy group?

Chorus:
Two Hundred Motels
Two Hundred Motels
Tan-toon ran-tan-na-na-han nnnn
Two Hundred Motels

Jeff:
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the room

Chorus:
I'm stealing the room
I'm stealing the . . .
I'm stealing the room
Stealing
I'm stealing the . . .
I am . . . mmm
Steel
I am steel
Steel
S-s-steel
I am steel
Steel

4. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy 3:11

Philly '76

includes a quotation from Tell Me You Love Me

Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off
(Yeah)
She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

That she knows what she wants
Knows what she likes
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out . . . she's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
(La la la la la)
And she drove to the club
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
You know that her and her partner
(La la la la la)
Came here lookin' for love
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
They want a guy from a group
(La la la la la)
Got a thing in a charts
(La la la la-ee-ah!)
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
IF HIS DICK IS A MONSTER
They will give him their hearts

'Cause they know what they want
(Do it, d'ya wanna-wanna?)
And they know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Look out . . . they got their eyes on you

FAM-BAM-YAK-A-TA-TAHHH!

They know what they want
Know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . . oooh!
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Awright, you got 'em screamin' all night
(La la la la la)
Screamin' all night

Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
It's a Bentley!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
It's a Cooper!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
It's a Chevy!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
Or a Lincoln!
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car?
(Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do it, do it?)
['Cause they're dancin'!]
(Ooh!)
Ooo-ooo . . .

5. Penis Dimension 4:37

Penis dimension!
Penis dimension?
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot

No!

Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan
That the size of your cock is not monstrous enough

No!

It's your penis dimension
Penis dimension

Howard:
Wah
Wah

Mark:
Hiya, friends. Now, just be honest about it . . . Did you ever consider the possibility that YOUR PENIS, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of subconscious tension?! Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician, a policeman, a Jesuit Monk, a rock & roll guitar player, a wino . . . you name it! Or, in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone beef-up, they become writers of hot books . . .

Howard:
"Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim . . ."

Mark:
Yes, or they become Carmelite Nuns . . .

Howard:
". . . Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit . . ."

Mark:
. . . Or race horse jockeys! There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the troubles of the world!

Howard:
Right on! Right on!

Mark:
Now, if you are a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school:

Mark & Howard:
"ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED!"

Mark:
Yes, and isn't it the truth?! And if you're a guy and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool . . . I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear you're being so cool . . . and somebody hits on you one night and he looks you up and down and he says:

Howard:
"Eight inches or less?"

Mark:
Well, let me tell you brothers, that's the time when you got to turn around and look that sonafabitch right between the eyes and you got to tell him these words . . .

6. What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning 3:32

Jeff Simmons—bass

What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning

What will I say
The next day to whatever
I drag to my hotel tonight?
(If things go all right!)

What will I say
The next day to whatever
I drag to my hotel tonight?
(Will she be outasite?)

What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
What will this evening
Bring me this morning?
A succulent fat one
A mod little flat one
Maybe a hot one (to give me the clap!)
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap