Captain Beefheart:

I was a Teen-age Malt Shop! Ha ha!

(instrumental theme)

Captain Beefheart:

Hello, there, kids, it's your old friend Captain Beefheart! You know, me, the magic man, invisible, and all that jazz, ha! Flies through time and space, dimension warp, all that rhythm... Well, anyway, uh... I'm here tonight to tell you that we have a heck-of-a-little teen-age opera for you... You're really gonna dig it, mmmh, yeah, it's really groovy!

Nelda:

I'm losing status at the high school
I used to think that it was my school
I was the queen of every school activity
But that's no more, oh darling, what will come of me?
I'm losing status at the high school

The other night we painted posters
We played some records by the Coasters
Another pom-pom girl looked down her nose at me
She had painted tons of posters, I had painted three
I hear the secret whispers everywhere I go
My school spirit is at an all time low

I'm losing status at the high school
I'm losing status at the high school
I'm losing status at the high school

Captain Beefheart:

This strange fellow that we see approaching the studio is named 'Ned The Mumbler'.

Ned:

I'm new at your high school
No teenage girl to call my name
I'm new at your high school
No teenage girl to call my name
Just because my daddy done work for the government
I've changed schools until it's a crying shame

I'm just a-mumbling 'round your schoolyard
wishing someone knew my name
I'm just a-mumbling 'round your schoolyard
I'm wishin' someone knew my name
Lord knows I need some friendship 'til it hurts me
Why can't these people feel my pain?

Captain Beefheart:

Boldly he steps through the door!

Ned:

Look at these little teenage girls
They go for a football name
I'll have to show 'em just what's shakin'
Let 'em know just who I am

Captain Beefheart:

Ned's marvelous! He's not nearly as marvelous as I am, of course, but he's a kind of a teenage 'Lone Ranger'.

Ned:

My name is 'Ned The Mumbler'
An' I ain't gonna lie
'Cause I've been all over the country
Been here and all around
I've used my secret power
In every kind of town
Now my fortune brings me here
And the logical thing to do
Is take my secret power
And use it on one of you!

Captain Beefheart:

Ha ha! Ned has a brainstorm!

(instrumental theme)