Beat The Boots II: Tengo Na Minchia Tanta

Jeff:This is the people right here. Hey, I'm sorry about the beer on you guys. It's this guy right here. Can we have a spot on this guy? That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Does his kind of live look interesting to you? The new number one on the boss 30!!

Hu-tuu hu-tuu huu, rennetehen [etc.]

Jeff:Hi, does this kind of life look interesting to you: Full employment benefits with a fake tie. Veteran-approved Mexi-chinks on duty. To serve you in the speech impediment lounge of the Fillmore East. Ho-ooo-ho . . .

 

Rance

Jeff: And now from the Harry McDuckbibe Afghan rug lounge, high atop the U.N. building. And now . . . Ta-da-ta-ta-ta ranna-ha-ta-da . . . We bring you El Porko the Magnificent, ably assisted by his accomplice Birdman Fitzgerald. And the famous "your neck is my neck."

FZ: Porko's sword is very sharp.

Yeah!

Rance Muhammitz

Two times

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena
Don't you know
I called up all my baby's friends
'N ask' um
Where she done went
But nobody 'round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been
[repeat verse]

Ten long years I've been lovin' her
Ten long years
And I thought deep down in my heart
She was mine
Ten long years I've been lovin' her
Ten long years
I would call her my baby, and now,
I'm always cryin'

I would be so delighted
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

I would be so delighted
Sharleena
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

Send my love to Sharleena
Why doesn't somebody
Some second, some minute
Some hour, some day
Some month, some week, some year
Why don't you, why don't you, why don't you, yeah-eah
Why don't you send her home
Why don't you come on and send my ever-lovin' Sharleena home
Send my baby home to me-eeeeeeeeee
Why don't you send her home to me-e-e-eyeah

Jeff: Now, he's just about set. A little music please

Hut
[Girdle rides up]
The Sanzini Brothers!

FZ: In the trade that's known as filler crap, ladies and gentlemen. We just stick it in there to occupy time between songs. Don't let it worry you.

FZ:I think the next number that we're gonna perform should be eh . . . No we played that in the last show, I'm trying to give you a variety. Yeah I know, Louie Louie. Let's do the whole opera.

Hey, hut.

FZ:Okay, you'll have to imagine, across the front of the stage each one of these microphones represents a motel room. Pardon me, ladies and gentlemen. And each one of these rooms houses a potential pop star on his way to the top, touring across America in the dingy little psychedelic dungeons, working his little fingers to the bone, tryin' to make it big in the nookie circuit. And here we are—this little, uh, underground group in a rancid town and we're preparing to go out on a search for some nubile ginch and we're there the day before the concert and there's none of the groupies in town know that we're there at the motel, see, and so we're preparing to go out to the local nightclub, so we can hustle . . . This is it, we're putting on our English Leather cologne.

Howard: . . . thirty days on the fucking road. I don't believe it, man. I can't believe it. Another night at a fucking Holiday Inn, another night. Aynsley ripped off my chick, ripped off Mark's chick, ripped off Frank's chick. I did everything . . . I can't even believe it. I put on a new shirt, I sprayed my pits. I got some stuff here that's supposed to make me really alluring. Tinsel glitter. Danny Hutton puts this on his face all the time. He's seductive. He gets laid. I can't stand it. I think he balls Chuck Negron, but who am I to say? He gets laid. And I don't have nothin'. I can't believe it. What do I I got? Aynsley, down in the bar? I can't stand it. I gotta get laid. This glitter has worked for others, perhaps it will work for me.

FZ:Aynsley took the batteries out of my wah-wah pedal for his vibrator.

Mark: . . . the next thing you know, man. You just wanna get laid. I mean you wanna— You clean up, you go in, you're a pop star. Man, I can't believe it. If I woulda gone to that hotel, if I woulda gone to that club with Frank, I woulda got recognized and maybe got laid. I haven't gotten laid in twelve days, man. This is unbelievable. I mean I'm a pop star. Frank told me, join this group, you're gonna be a big star. Let me tell you . . . the Turtles five years—it doesn't mean shit, let me tell you. Danny Hutton, Three Dog Night—they are a big group. They are a happening group. They get laid all the time. Tinsel glitter. I'm telling you, Three Dog Night never failed. One. Easy To Be Hard. He is God. Tonight, I am gonna go to that club, and I am gonna go with Frank 'cause they'll recognize me . . . tonight. This glitter has worked for others, perhaps it will work for me.

What will this morning, bring me this evening?
What will this morning, bring me this evening?
Some local hot action
Before we are leaving

Go to the club or the bar or wherever the pussy is found
In the town your band been booked to play in
It's always a little bit harder to score
If it's just your first time in a town you never hit before
If you played in it once
And got laid
You've got it made
Ohhwww, got it made
If it's just your first time
Then you know it's no fun to go back to a plastic hotel all alone
So you gotta
Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found

A partial list of clubs and bars to go get laid while you're on the road!
"Nobody's"—New York City;
"Paradisio"—Amsterdam, Netherlands;
"Club Voom Voom"—Smatz, Austria; (ah, Smatz in the spring)
"The Navy Club"—San Antonio, Tejas;
"The Whisky à Go-Go"—City of the Angels;
"Max's Kansas City"—New York City

What's a girl like you
Doin' in a place like this?

I left my place after midnight
And I came to the club
Me and my girlfriend, we came here
Lookin' for love

You came to the right place
This is it
This is the swingin-est place
In New York City

NO SHIT!

How true that is

How true indeed

Me and my, me and my girlfriend, we come here
every Friday, Saturday-night looking for the
HOT romance we need
We like to get it on
Do you like to get it on too?

Well, what did you have in mind?

Well listen, well, I get off bein' juked
With a baby octopus
Or spewed upon with creamed corn! Aaaah . . . unh!
An' my girlfriend, she digs it
With a hot Seven-Up bottle
While somebody's yellin:
"CORKS 'N SAFETIES
CORKS 'N SAFETIES"

Gets me so hot, I could scream:

"CORKS 'N SAFETIES, CORKS 'N SAFETIES OOHOOOO
CORKS 'N SAFETIES, CORKS 'N SAFETIES WOWWWW"
You two chicks sound real far out and groovy
Ever been to a Holiday Inn?
Mna-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haa . . .
Magic fingers in the bed
Wall-mounted TV screens:
Coffee-Host plugged into the bathroom wall
Formica's really keen!

What kind of girl do you think we are
What kind of girl do you think we are
Don't call us groupies, that is going too far
We wouldn't ball you just because you're a star

These girls wouldn't let just anybody
Spew on their vital parts
They want a guy from a group with a
Big hit single in the charts

Funny you should mention it:
Our new single made the charts this week
With a bullet! With a bullet!
Just let me put a little more
Tinsel glitter on my face right now, Baby
And you can show me how a young girl such as you
Might be thrilled and overwhelmed by me . . .

What Holiday Inn you said you were staying at?

Wanna split right away?

Not so fast, you silly boy . . . there's one thing we gotta say:

We wanna a guy from a group
Who's got a thing in the charts [x4]

And if his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts . . .

Hold it, hold it, hold it, god. Stop the music. Why didn't you say so before!

I've got the thing you need
I am endowed beyond your wildest
Clearasil spattered fantasies, oh oh oh oh oh oh . . .

Girls from all over the world
Flock to write my name on the toilet walls.
Of the "Whisky a Go Go"
For I am Bwana Dik
He is Bwana Dik
Him Bwana Dik
Me Bwana Dik

My dick is a monster
Give me your heart

Bwana Dick is a legend,
Enormous thou art

My dick is a Harley
You kick it to start

Bwana Dik speaks
The heavens will part

My dick is a dagger
I'll force it to fit
My dick is a reamer, baby
To scream up your slit

Steam it! Steam it! Ream it! Cream it!

You can hear the steam
You can hear the screaming steam
As the reamer steams up the lake
To the snake and the black velvet crystal
Naugahyde black, electric vibraphonic micromatic, crystal black plastic,
plastic battery-operated steamroller!

Help me, help me, help me, help me

Feel the steam
See the steam
Hear the steam
Feel the steaming hot black screaming
Iridescent Naugahyde python gleaming
Steam roller

All groupies must bow down
In the sacred presence of the
Latex Solar Beef

The steam is coming out
The steam
Oww, oww, oww, owwww
Listennnnnn! The steam is whistling

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off
She got diamonds and jewelry,
She got lotsa new clothes,
She ain't hurtin' for money,
So that everyone knows
That she knows what she wants
Knows what she likes,
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . .
Daddy, daddy, daddy . . .
Daddy, daddy, daddy!
Look out . . . she's got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
And she drove to the club
You know that her and her partner
Came here lookin' for love
They want a guy from a group
That's got a thing in the charts

If his dick is a monster!
If his dick is a monster!
If his dick is a monster!
They will give him their hearts

Cause they know what they want
Know what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy!
Look out . . . they got their eyes on you
Sky Saxon Blues Band

They spotted George Duke at the end of the bar
They go up and say hi and ask if he has a car
He says he don't, they say they do
They say, let's get it on
Not a half of a minute and you know they are gone.
Cause he's got what they want
He knows what they like
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy!
Awright, you got 'em screamin' all night
One mo', one more
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy
Daddy, daddy, daddy!
Awright, you got 'em screamin' all night
Screamin' all night
Screamin' all night

Now you'll just have to use your teenage imagination and picture . . .

One Two Three

Penis Dimensions [4x]

They want a guy from a group with a thing in the charts. If his dick is a
monster they will give him their hearts.

Aynsley Dunbar!

His Penis is a monster [3x]
Monster Dick [4x]
His Penis is a monster [3x]
Monster Dick [4x]

Hoopla
La la la laaaa

Whoola

My penis is a monster
Your penis is a monster
Our penis' are all monsters
Penis Dimension is (?) [2x]

La la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la la la
Mudshark

Mudshark!

La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la
La la la la
La la la la

Ance Muhammitz
Snats Muhammitz
Frank Muhammitz
Vance Muhammitz
Rance
Mudshark
Muhammitz
Ruth Underwood
Leona Nichols

Went on the road for a month, touring
What a drag . . . You gotta go
Even if you'd rather be at home
Flaked out in Hollywood
Drove to Inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit and took a plane at five-o-three
(What's it gonna be?)

Chicken, beef or turkey"?
Yes, La la la la
Crab salad, shrimp salad
Little ham hocks with [names]

Look at all the Germans
Watch them follow orders
See them think they're doing something groovy in the streets
Rance
See the student leader
He's a rebel prophet
He's fucked up, he's still a Nazi like his mom & dad
Played for a night in Berlin
That afternoon we set up our shit and rehearsed
Half a dozen phony student rebels in the hall
Came to see if I could find a way to help them all
"What is your desire?"
"Help us start a fire
In the Allied Center
Round the corner down the street"

And then we began to play
A bunch of punks arose from the crowd
Student rebels, their flags of red
Began to chant Ho Chi Minh,
Ho Ho Ho Chi Minh
Threw tomatoes
And the next thing we knew we were under siege

 

I must be free
My, my oh my, fake I.D.
Freeeeeees me
Gotta do a few things
To make my life complete
Sure
I gotta live my life
Where?
Out on the street

The difference between us
Is not very far
Cruising for burgers
In daddy's new car
My phony freedom card
Brings to me
Instantly
ECSTASY