Blood On The Canvas

Tony: Bobby? Bobby, this is Tony. Listen, we're havin' a little problem. We're openin' this club tonight and eh, we need some live acts. Yeah, we need something different, something to kinda—huh? Performance artist—what's that? Oh yeah? Really? Really? [laughs] They got, eh, he puts it up his ass, eh? And he lights it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, get that guy, get that guy. Performance artist, huh? Alright, [laughs] never heard of that one before. Yeah, bring him down. Well, let me ask ya somethin'— does he, can he do it with a can of beans too? Great, yeah, bring him down, we'll have 'em, the whole thing, the beans, an' then, an' then, an' maybe. Alright, alright. Yeah, yeah, come on down, it's gonna be great—we're gonna have free prawns, free caviar, the whole thing. The whole shebang, we're going all out. Yeah, well it's a new club, I wanna, I want it—we got a band, the Scumbags band and everything. Yeah, so why don't you, come down, bring the —bring the wife, y'know. Yeah, come down when the guy's doing the act, y'know, she'll like that, y'know. I'm bringing Angie down too, she'll.she'll.she'll like it too. Yeah. Alright. Alright. Ok. Alright, OK. OK Bobby. Alright. Yeah, I will. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bye bye now. Take care.

 

Scott Fungus: And that was Led Zeppelin doing their fine, fine classic, "Stairway To Heaven." You're listening to WXTC 24 hours a day—hard, kick-ass rock n' roll. I'm Scott Fungus, and I'm gonna be with you for the next 6 hours, rocking you out to some fine music from the archives—Maiden, Sister, Leppard—and a new one from the Scumbags. Yeah, OK. Now listen, lemme ask you something. Ever want to be an announcer like me? Wanna make the big bucks me and my friends make? Sure, you thought of it. Big bucks; stretch limousines; drugs; the big M—as much as you want—and you know what I'm talking about. Just like the rock n' roll stars. Well, what if I told you, you can be an announcer? You can. Try this test. Say Bermuda. Yeah, try it. Bermuda. Go ahead. Bermuda. Now, try Beirut. Easy. Now try, Massacre. Bloodbath. Rock n' Roll. You can do it, and you can make the big bucks you always dreamed of—hot cars, baked beans, anything that turns you on—it's out there, and it's available if you become an announcer like me, your friend, Scott Fungus. OK, so if you want a little of that action, pray this prayer with me.

Oh God, please
Give me resonance.
Give me profundity.
Give me the big M,
As much as I want.

Male 1: You want the baked beans?

Scott Fungus: No. Just, the big M. Alright, hey we got a concert announcement for you at uh Pandemonium club tonight. I guess the Scumbags are going to be doing a set there—they're just opening tonight. That's gonna be a lot of excitement, I know I'm gonna be down there. I hear they're doing some very interesting things tonight with um some uh explosives [sniggers] but ah, we'll be giving you more news on that a little bit later on. Ok, now here is um, something that just came in today. This is the Scumbags doing their new hit "Massaggio Galore."

Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!

 

Tony: It's the Eighties. I know. It's the Reagan generation. Y'know who started the whole thing? The, that, that, eh, that satsuma {?}, the kid with the, with the white glove there. You know the one? Yeah, doin'. ah Massaggio that 's what he likes. So he got all the rest of the kids going, an' they think it's a craze now. It's a cult. It's the Massaggio cult. What ya gonna do hey? Y'know I tried once myself—s'not bad, y'know. My wife, she won't do it, y'know, she want's it the old bim bam zam bam way, y'know. But eh, it's so messy y'know—an' you gotta get all undressed and take a shower it's a pain in the ass, y'know. Gimme, gimme this the. I like to go, go see a movie. Y'know you go in the movie, you go in the back of the movie theater, you sit in the back, y'know. Some guy comes along, little Massaggio. It's not bad y'know. You're watching a nice movie, y'know. Out of Africa, something, Robert Redford up there, Meryl Streep. It's nice y'know, you get a little Massaggio on the side it's. It's not bad, y'know. Sometimes you don't even have to watch the movie y'know, because you feel so good. Little crack. Then the confession y'know. [takes a drink] That's the only problem I have is when I go uh, I go see the y'know. Father Ryan over at uh, y'know, St. Pats. He don't understand this Massaggio shit y'know? I've offered to like I said, "Open the window here I show you," y'know. But he says, "Nah, none for me," y'know. It's uh, y'know. But they got some young priests over there, I hear they like it, y'know. Yeah, the. they. Oh Sure, sure. What, you kidding me? Aw, they come out of that seminary—man, they want it, they want the whole thing now. They all eh. Well, they take those vows, but it doesn't—a vow doesn't cover Massaggio, it has nothing to do with Massaggio. No no no no no, they doin' the whole thing. They're in the back there. Hey, I drive them around man, I know. I seen them all. Smoking that shit in the back and Massaggioin' their brains out. It's wild.

 

Pornographer: OK Karen, make love to the camera, make love to the camera, now spread. Spread. Let's see some tongue. More. More more more more more more. Now spread the cheeks. Spread the cheeks. Good, good. Wait a minute, hold that. Get the makeup; redo her lips, they're all wrong. No, not those idiot, yes. Good, OK. Is she wet enough? OK. Now, bring in the guy—where is he? Yeah you, horse, c'mere. Alright, a little harder please, uh with the. OK. Now, bring it into the frame. OK. Is it in the frame? Bring it in the frame. Karen are you ready? OK Chuck, go to work. Come on Karen, let's. Yes, yeah. Right, you want it, you want it, it's, it's the look on the face, the tears are running down your eyes, are you. Yes, that's it, that. Wonderful. Come on horse, come on let's pump it. Come on buddy. Come on, giddy up there boy. Yeah, there we go, there we go, that's it. Now we got—Are we getting all of this now? Get it, get it, come on, come on, they're doing it, they're not going to do it all day. C'mon, come. Oh there we go. You want some more crack? Give the guy some more crack there. Good, there we go. Give him a sugar cube, we need a, a carrot, whatever this guy wants, c'mon. There we go, there we go. Beautiful, beautiful, oh this is wonderful. This is. oh, I've never. This is art, this is wonderful. Karen, I've never seen you so beautiful. You're lovely, lovely. Oh, what, I'm. oh I'm coming myself. I'm coming myself.

 

Phil: Hello Karen? Yeah, it's Phil, listen, you wanna check out that new club Pandemonium with me tonight? No, I can get us in, definitely. Listen. It's supposed to be fabulous. Andy's gonna be there, and David, and Mick, and Liza, and everybody. You should go and get some fresh air, c'mon. It's supposed to have all this art from all over the place and, and six bars made of glass. And they're gonna have tons of free food tonight—champagne, frog's legs, caviar, Stoli, prawns, roast pigeon; they're gonna have a giant steer on a spit roasting in the middle of everything. Whadda ya mean it sounds gross? It sounds great! It even has a vomitorium like in Ancient Rome. I'll tell you what it is later. Listen. Yeah c'mon Karen you gotta go, c'mon it'll be great. You'll love it. Plus, Joey told me they're gonna have a live human sacrifice in the basement. It's gonna be a riot! Of course. No! They, they just get some actor to do it. No, they really kill him—these actors they do anything for money. Oh c'mon you gotta go Karen, yeah. You don't have to watch, c'mon. Every model in the city's gonna be there. Yeah, Hollywood agents are gonna be there, everybody, nobody's gonna miss this, are you kidding? C'mon. I'll even dance with you, c'mon. I can't get in without a date. OK. OK. So eleven o'clock OK. Alright. Alright. And listen, listen, Karen, Karen—wear that dress you've got with the nipples cut out. Yeah. OK, I'll see you later. OK. Bye!

Scott Fungus: And listen, I'm gonna be down at the um new club, uh, Pandemonium, tonight, a little bit later on; because uh, uh there's gonna be a performance artist down there I've been told, who's going to be doing some very interesting performance. Um, in case you don't know what performance artists do, um I suggest that you check it out. Or, you could pray the prayer right now to become a performance artist yourself. So join me now as we pray the performance artist prayer:

Dear, sweet Jesus;
give me the power to do stuff
that is inane,
incompetent,
useless,
and not even entertaining.

Yiddish Man: The secret is imagination, being creative. Now see, that's what I want to see in entertainment, Sid. We need more. Why not a sitcom about uh a pickle salesman? Why not? Why not a regular series on the, the Holocaust? Not enough been on the Holocaust yet. Enough on the Schwartzes already, I can't take it anymore! Yeah, we need more of our people. Why not a show on a typical Hasidic diamond merchant?

Prostitute: Hey you! You! The guy with the black hat and the ringlets! C'mere! Hey, honey—I like that black coat you're wearing. Huh? Come over here. C'mon, I'll give ya what your mamma can't give ya. C'mon, c'mere. She doesn't know how to do this. C'mon, c'mere. Oh c'mon cutie pie. C'mon. Let me look at that diamond ring. C'mon. Here we go. C'mon. Yeah, it will cost you money.

Yiddish Man: What do you want? I can't take it anymore! Too many gimmicks. Where's Elliot, Barbara, where's the people we need? Where? Where? I don't see them no more. And Broadway! All this homo baloney—nobody wants that shit. Grown men in tutus running around, kicking and bullshit. We need something imaginative. How about eh, Funny Girl 2? Fiddler on the Roof 2? Exodus 2? You know what I'm saying Sid; we're talking creative here, we're talking imaginative here. Huh, oh anyway listen, I gotta get off the phone. I talk to you tomorrow—my pedicurist is here, alright? Sid— Alright. Huh-how's the weather in Florida?

Cop: We get all kinds down here—the freaks, the weirdoes, the tough guys. Gets scary sometimes, sure, but see—our job is to preserve the law, and we do our job. We don't let fear get in our way. This is a 500-watt cattle prod. Very useful tool in law enforcement. If you're inserting the prod into the mouth cavity, just grab the head like so. just grab a hunk of that hair. this ethnic hair is easy to grab. And then just ram the baby right in the mouth.

[mmph-gurgle-whoargh]

Dan: Hi, I'm Dan, and I'd like to do it with you any way you want it. Mmm—come here. Let me play with your breasts.

[choking sounds]

Ahh, open your mouth

[more choking]

Cop: Now, they'll struggle a little bit. They'll, they'll say things like that to ya. Don't answer them. Don't let it get to ya. Its just part of the job. And don't touch the cuffs unless you're grounded, alright? Always the danger of tetanus with ethnic types. That's why I prefer to uh, start with the cattle prod in the mouth. That way they really can't uh, y'know. Nobody's ever gonna bite you with their asshole.

Dan: Ahh. Doesn't this feel nice? Doesn't this feel terriffic? Mmm. Mmm. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh wait, wait, we have to break for a commercial. We'll be right back, with news on that death in just a minute.

Dealer: Yo right here we got it. Joints and bags. Joints and bags. Coke and smoke. Coke and smoke. Try before you buy, right here. Check it out. We got LSD, DMT, PCP, and XTC. Check it out. Goin' fast. You tried the rest now use the best. Yo, my man! Yo, slick! What you want man? What is it you want? Crack, smack, crystal, dust, ludes, downs, ups? Got some primo cocaine man, for yo big brain. Got flake, rock and base. Got smoke, stick and buzz. Check it out bro', don't pass me by without a try. Sensensensensen..{fades}

 

Doctor: OK. Now, I'm going to have to put you on some medication, Bill. I can't say it's going to do anything, but it's our only shot—you follow me? Now this stuff is strong, OK? It has some side effects. After a few days, your vision may blur a bit, and uh, you'll find your sex drive diminished. You probably also get a little dizzy when you stand up. But don't worry about any of that. What you will find worrisome is when your hair starts to fall out—it's not pretty. Also you will start, oh I say after two weeks, getting large itchy bleeding scabs on your arms and legs, and you'll lose most feeling in your fingers, toes, nose, ears. After a month, you may suffer temporary blindness, and frequent nausea, vomiting, incontinence will set in, and your nose will bleed from time to time. That's all. After four weeks, we check you, we see how the medication is doing, and if you need something stronger. OK? OK. Have a nice day.

Prostitute: Hey handsome! Wanna party? Huh? Wanna go out? You look a little depressed. Let me cheer you up. I know some place where they have an air conditioner. We can pull down the shades. Turn on the TV set nice and low. Get relaxed. Mmm. You know what I mean babe? Ooohh—[slurp]—mmm [slurps]. Hey, ever have an oral massage? Huh? Ever have an oral Massaggio? [slurps]. You know what I mean babe, huh? Hey babe. Hey babe! Hey, c'mon. Don't walk away from me. C'mon. Hey, c'mon, come back here! Discount! Discount day. Ten bucks. Five bucks. C'mon! Two bucks. Massaggio. Massaggioro. Massaggio Mister Mo. Twenty-five cents! Twenty! Free, c'mon, I'll do whatever. I'm a Republican!

Drunken Bum: Get outta here ya fuckin whore! Ya Whore. Hey buddy. Hey buddy! Can you help a guy out—whadda ya say? I haven't eaten for two weeks. 'Conomy is killing me. Whadda ya say? Ya got fifty cents for me buddy, for a veteran—whadda ya say? Twenty cents? Ya got a penny there bud? How about—how about a cigarette? Ya got a cigarette? How about a match? Ya got a match there bud? Huh? You're a bum. You're a bum! Get outta here ya faggot ya shit ya [unintelligible mutterings—coughs] shutupyafaggotshitya.

Crackhead: Jimmy, Jimmy! See if he's got any cigarettes—I lost mine. Hey babe, how ya doing? Hmm? Don't walk away from me babe. C'mon you're cute—you know that? Wanna go smoke some crack? It's great— it's like having a cattle prod stuffed into yer uvula. Ya know what a uvula is? It's that thing that hangs down the back of your throat—you see it in the cartoons all the time. Y'know. Felix the Cat, he's got one of those. No, he doesn't smoke crack that's not what I'm sayin'—you're not listening to me. C'mon, come over here. C'mon, try it. Hey old man! Ya got a match? I wanna smoke some crack. C'mere.

Drunken Bum: You're-fuckin-young-shit-ya-fucker-ya-faggot-shit-ya-fuck! Ya uvula. You're a uvula, you're a bum! That's what—you're a bum! I know, I know what you're doing. I see ya lookin at me, ya think I'm funny. Is that what ya think? Am I the funny guy, huh? Ya wanna see somethin funny? I'll show ya somethin funny—OK, wait, here, I'll show ya something funny, look at this, huh.

[PHPHPHPHPHPHHHT!]

Tony: Bobby? Bobby, yeah it's Tony again. Listen, I was thinkin'—I got an idea. We need a comedian; you got a comedian for me? Yeah, what? Perfect! Alright. So get this comedian, and we give him like a knife, or a straight razor or something, right? And after the guys' ass gets blown off with the M-80, the guy chops the guys' dick off, alright? And the guy bleeds to death on stage—whadda ya think of that, huh? It's a good idea, ain't it? I think, it just came to me, y'know; cause you—you was thinkin' about art and everything y'know and uh. What—the guys afraid he's gonna die? So what? Let him die. Let him die—what's a. what's another performance artist here or there. Alright. Yeah, yeah it's gonna be... it's gonna be a lotta fun. It'll be a nice evening for everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Alright. OK. Alright, OK good. See ya later Bob. Hey Bob—don't forget, bring the wife. Alright, good. Bye-bye.

 

Actor: Bobby, how do I look? I never did this before Bobby. Bobby, will you look at me? Do I look like a bishop? I know you don't care, OK, but this is my big break, alright. I never did this before, I don't know how you do this performance art stuff; I'm new at it, OK, and I just want somebody to look at me, now how do I look? [sighs] Wait; let me see that thing anyways. Is—is that it? That's an M-80? I'm supposed to— Bobby, that's kinda big. How about a cherry bomb? I mean it'd be the same with a cherry bomb, right?

Bobby: It's gotta be an M-80. If it's a cherry bomb, they'll never hear it over the amplifiers.

Actor: What if uh—y'know I die or something?

Bobby: Listen, kid, this is show business. Alright? You wanna be in show business, you gotta give it your all; you gotta go all the way, OK? Liza goes all the way; Fatty went all the way; you gotta go all the way.

Actor: OK Bobby, alright, OK, I'll—I'll do it with an M-80, but. what is this comedian gonna do to me again?

Bobby: Lemme explain it to ya once, then I'm not gonna explain it again, alright? You're gonna be out there, OK? The M-80's gonna blow up. Then you gonna take your cock out, OK? The comedian's gonna come over, he's gonna have a straight razor. He's gonna take your cock. He's gonna chop off your cock, you're gonna bleed to death, OK? That's it. That's performance art, alright? Did you read the pamphlet? Did you say your prayers?

Actor: Yes, I said my prayer, I said my prayer. But I'm. I. I don't understand some things here now, um. I mean, I. I know I'm new at this and everything, y'know, and I. I. Look, I trust you Bobby; you told me this is going to be a good career move. But I just don't understand one thing—if I die.

Bobby: You have to die, alright? We're paying you to die, OK? We got all the paperwork done with the unions, paid the P&W; we did the whole thing. You're gonna die, OK? Cause if you don't die, we're gonna kill ya.

 

Porn Peddler: Pick 'em with both hands fellas—this ain't a library. Let me see—whadda ya got? Uh, these two at five apiece, uh "Lesbians in Action" that's on sale—three-fifty, "Shaved Chicks and Spread Clits" that's three. What's this? "Thai Teens and Masturbating Mommies." Alright, that brings it up to uh twenty-five. What else? I'm all outta "Rush", how about "Locker Room"? It's the same stuff—that amyl nitrate shit. Ohh, same price, three bucks plus tax. All set then? OK, have a nice day. Leo, where's my sandwich—this one here?

Fundamentalist: You will burn in Hell! Filth! God abhors dirt! You are the merchants of filth! Selling filth in the land of filth! God will burn you up! There will be great fires and gnashing of teeth! Your teeth! It'll be an inferno to end all infernos! Dirt, grime, pollution. You can't step two feet in somebody's dog—where do they get off these dog owners? How can they do that? If I took a shit in the middle of the street, I'd get arrested, and I'm a human being. And this is a human garbage dump that gets worse and worse every day. The smell! The smell is beyond belief! The people in the restaurants eatin' an' eatin' an' eatin, but the hell is behind the restaurants. There's the truth. The stench of the garbage, and we call ourselves civilised. How can we eat, how can we think, with the rats crawling into the nuclear reactories? Chewin' on the wires, causin' explosions in the middle of the night when you're sleeping, when you think you're safe. No, I object. No. Nobody knows. The dogs, the dogs know. We feed them, and we let them piss all over us, and they know. They know that we're fools, a ship of fools, a garbage scow of fools.

Stockbroker: Crazy place huh? Prawns, I love prawns, especially when they're free huh? Pandemonium, wow! Wonder how they got that stick through that cow that's twirling over there. Look, they're basting it. It's pretty neat huh? I never go to clubs usually myself, but uh, I was bored, so I figured I'd check this place out. You're very attractive, you know that? No, you are—you have a very attractive figure. Yeah, uh, I uh. I make a lot of money. I'm a stockbroker actually. It's very exciting. Plus of course, you make a lot of money, which I like. I have a Porsche. You have really nice breasts, you know that? You're also very intelligent and kind, I can. I can tell from your lips. You have kind lips. I love beauty, don't you? That's probably why I like you so much. I exercise a lot. I have a pretty nice body actually, because I believe in physical fitness. Feel my arm. See? I'm also pretty energetic. I like good sex, don't you? Don't you love having orgasms? I do. I believe in pleasing the other partner. You're very interesting. I bet you're artistic. You have artistic hair. That's my only bad part is my hair—Ethnic hair. But, I have a large penis. Wanna go uh, take a ride in my Porsche?

Texan: Oooh-weee! Boy, I'm havin' fun. This place is great! All the nice people, I love it! Haven't had so much fun since I blew the brains outa that buck last week! Oooh-weee! Models everywhere, prawns. Look at that guy up there with the M-80 up his ass! He he he he he he

Fundamentalist: The smell! The smell is beyond belief!

Actor: I coulda stayed with the production of Oh! Calcutta for a long time—they liked me over there, OK? But I decided no—I have to break out, I can't do Oh! Calcutta for the rest of my life. And I understand this is a big chance I'm taking. Pretty much we know, that for all intents and purposes I'll be dead after the performance. But listen, I have to think of the future. I have to think progressively. If you're not open-minded in this business, nothing's gonna happen to you, OK?

Bobby: Kid, lemme explain something alright? From your perspective, you're working for Mr. Angeles, alright? He owns the club. That's all you think about, OK? But lemme explain something to ya. It isn't just Mr. Angeles, it's not just the Pandemonium club, it's much bigger than that, y'see? Cause we're talking about the art world here, OK? And the art world is much bigger than you or me kid. It's bigger than show business. It's the NEA. It's MOCA. It goes up and up and up. It's a huge, upside-down pyramid of millions and millions of assholes—assholes you would never even know existed. And they all go down, one to the next, all the way down to you. Here. Tonight. With the M-80 up your asshole. And that asshole is gonna get lit, and it's gonna blow up, and you're gonna die, OK? Just understand that. As long as you understand your position in the pyramid, everything's simple.