Thing-Fish:
Once upon a time, musta been 'round October, few years back, in one o' dose TOP SECRET LABMO-TORIES de gubbnint keep stashed away underneath Virginia, an EVIL PRINCE, occasion'ly employed as a part-time THEATRICAL CRITICIZER set to woikin' on a plot fo de systematic GENOCIDICAL REMOVE'LANCE of all unwanted highly-rhythmic individj'lls an' sissy-boys!
De cocksucker done whiffed up a secret POTIUM . . . an' right 'long wid it, de ATROCIOUS IDEA dat what he been boilin' up down deahhhh jes' mights be de FINAL SOLUTIUM to DE WHITE MAIN'S 'BOIDENNN', ef yo' acquire my drift . . .
Well, he were sure he had a GOOD THING GOIN' . . . but, dere was always de possobility dat somethin' might fuck up, so, he planned to have a little test, jes' to check it all out befo' he dump't it in de wattuh supply.
Sho'tly denafter, wit HIGH-LEVEL GUBNINT COROBBERATIUM, he arranged to have a good-will visit to SAN QUENTIM, 'long wit some country-westin mu-zishnin's, 'n sprinkle a little bit of it on some of de boys in deahhh (since dey done used a few of 'em befo' when dey was messin' wit de ZYPH'LISS).
So, heah dey come wit de POTIUM, dump'nit all in de mash potatoes!
Den dey wen' up to de warden's office fo' some HOT TODDY, watchin' a little football while dey's waitin' to see what gone happen!
Fact o' de matter were: NOTHIN' HAPPENED, so dey went off'n dribbled it in a special shipnint of GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH dat went out 'bouts NOVEMBER!
Next thing y'know, fagnits be droppin' off like flies . . . 'long wit a large number of severely-tanned individj'lls, pre-zumnably of HAY'CHEN EXTRAKMENT!
But NOT DE BOYS IN DE REST HOME! Oh no! Mixin' de shit wit de mash potatoes done SMOOTHED IT OUT a little, so's it wouldn't KILL yo' ass, BUT, it sho' would make y'ugly! 'N ef y'was already UGLY, it'd make yo ass MEAN 'n UGLY . . . 'n ef you was already MEAN 'n UGLY, it'd turn ya into a strange, UNKNOWN KREETCHUH, never befo' seen on BROADWAY!
Thass right! It'd turn ya' into a 'MAMMY NUN'! Head like a potato . . . lips like a duck . . . big ol' hands, puffin' up! BIG ONES! Science! ME-jev'l re-LIJ-mus costumery all over yo' BODY! Yow! Oh yeah! Mmmm-hmmm!
Ensemble:
(singing)
We got de talkin' shoes!
We de MAMMY NUNS!
Thing-Fish:
(Dominose Vobiskmmmmm!)
Ensemble:
We is important news!
We de MAMMY NUNS!
Thing-Fish:
(Et cum spear a TU-TU, Ohhhhh!)
Ensemble:
We destroy de blues!
We de MAMMY NUNS!
Thing-Fish:
Sho' am, y'all! (MAMMIES, step faw'd 'n express yo'sevs!)
Ensemble:
We sho can dance 'n sing!
We's a lot o' fun!
Thing-Fish:
(D'ja get any on ya down dere?)
Ensemble:
We's doin' everything!
We's a lot o' fun!
Thing-Fish:
(How'd YOU like to use my nakkin'?)
Ensemble:
We's doin' de buck 'n wing!
We's a lot o' fun!
We's offa de wall!
Thing-Fish:
(pointing to his skirt)
(Fo' those of you unfamiliar wit de' nakkin,
Dis be de nakkin'!)
Ensemble:
ON BROADWAY,
IT'S A NEW DAY . . .
Thing-Fish:
On Broadway, It's a New Day!
Dat's right! Dat's what I say!
Ensemble:
WHEN WE SAY . . .
Thing-Fish:
Oh yeah! You 'bout through wif my nakkin'?
Ensemble:
"We be is de ones dey be callin' de 'MAMMY NUNS'!"
Thing-Fish:
We ugly as SIN!
Ensemble:
We de MAMMY NUNS!
We be lookin' good!WE BE LOOKIN' GOOD
WIT DE NAKKIN' ON!
Thing-Fish:
We gots a nasty grin-n-n-n-n!
Ensemble:
We de MAMMY NUNS!
We be lookin' good!WE BE LOOKIN' GOOD
WIT DE NAKKIN' ON!
Thing-Fish:
(pointing to HARRY)
We sho' ain't ugly as him . . .
Ensemble:
We de MAMMY NUNS!
We be lookin' good!LAWD LAWD LAWD,
LAWD LAWD LAWD,
LAWD LAWD LAWD,
WE DE MAMMY NUNS!
Thing-Fish:
Step right up, folks, 'n meet de 'MAMMY NUNS'! You two ugly white folks hafta excuse de SISTERS, as what dey put in de mash potatoes have rendered dem INCONTINENT! Anyhow, ovuh heahhhh, de scintillating SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON, and de delectable SISTER GHENGHIS-ADONIS-OSMOSIS . . . 'long wif SISTER POTATO-HEAD BOBBY BROWN, and de ever-popular SISTER ANNE de DEVINE . . . an' howsabouta heart-warmin' welcome fo' SISTER JASMINE NOXEMA-TAPIOCA an' her unscrutable companium, SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X' . . . an' I's yo host: de THING-FISH!
Ensemble:
ON BROADWAY,
IT'S A NEW DAY,
WHEN WE SAY:
"We be is de ones dey be callin' de
'MAMMY NUNS'!"
Thing-Fish:
We is dressed to kill!
Ensemble:
We be lookin' good!
Thing-Fish:
We gives you quite a thrill!
Ensemble:
We be dancin' good!
(Whom a ninny? Him? Him a ninny! Hah!
Whom a ninny? You'm a ninny! Haw!)
Wit de dancin' skill,
Wit de nakkin' on, LAWD!
Rhonda:
(stage whisper)
HARRY, this is not DREAM GIRLS!
Harry:
(stage whisper)
They told me it had c-c-colored folk in it, RHONDA, and that's ALWAYS a sure sign of GOOD, SOLID, MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT! How was I supposed to know they'd be this ugly?
Rhonda:
They pissed on us, HARRY! They fuckin' pissed on us! Look at my fox!
Harry:
I know, dear . . . but they pissed on me too . . . he did say they were INCONTINENT!
Rhonda:
Just smell this! I think we should get out of here before they do something else to us!
Harry:
Leave? Now? At these ticket prices? Just hold your horses . . . it probably wasn't REAL PISS . . . only 'theater piss' . . . they probably have a formula . . . some special stuff . . . comes right outta the fur with Woolite.
Rhonda:
What's happened to Broadway, HARRY? Used to be you could come to one of these things and the wind would be RUSHING DOWN THE PLAIN or a fairy on a string would go over the audience . . . but NOW! Harry, I ask you: is THIS entertainment?
Harry:
You're absolutely correct, dear! So far we haven't seen a single good-looking pair of legs . . . a single sequin-encrusted whatchamacallit . . . no firm, rounded breasts! This show is a DISASTER, RHONDA! A complete and utter DISASTER!
Thing-Fish:
Mmmm! Say dere . . . hey! Umm-hmm! Thass right! HEY YOU! You two ugly white folks . . . over heahhh!
As you know, de presence of carboniferous hard-core unemployables has gen'rally, in de historical past, GUARANTEED an evenin' of upliftin' FROLIC and CAVORTMENT . . . it'd be a shame fo y'all t'miss out on dis here one! Got some nice chairs fo' ya, rights ovuh heahhh.
Harry:
Uhhh . . . beg pardon? What's going on here?
Rhonda:
Oh! They're touching me! HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! HARRY, do something! THEY'RE PUTTING CHAINS ON ME! I'LL BE STUCK TO THE CHAIR! Oh! What'll I do? I'LL MISS INTERMISSION!
Harry:
They're only 'theater chains', RHONDA! Just some sort of . . .
Rhonda:
THESE ARE REAL GODDAM CHAINS, HARRY, AND THEY'RE NOT GONNA COME OFF WITH WOOLITE!
Harry:
I don't mind the way they feel . . . they don't bother me, honey . . . relax! Go with the flow . . .
Rhonda:
HARRY, YOU ARE AN OVER-EDUCATED SHIT-HEAD!
Thing-Fish:
Look here, folks . . . dis only fo yo own protexium! Once we gets rollin' heah, things be happnin' all over de place dat could prove dangerous to persons not previously acquainted wit de SAN QUENTIM MASH-POTATOES!
Rhonda:
I want the wind to come rushing down the plain! I want fairies on a string over the audience! I want REAL BROADWAY ENTERTAINMENT! Feathers! Spot-lights! Guilt! Hours upon hours of GUILT! About my mother! About my father! About brave women, suffering at the hands of infantile, insensitive, dominating men! And what do I get? A Potato-headed jig-a-boo with Catholic clothes on! Incomprehensible duck lips! Weak bladders draining through abnorminably large organs! Jesus, HARRY! What the FUCK is going on here?
Harry:
Simmer down! If you'll just roll with the punches . . . and don't rock the boat, I'm sure we'll have a lovely evening at the theater!
Thing-Fish:
Thass right! We got fairies on a string fo yo ass jes' a little later! Meanwhile, I b'lieves y'all requires some updatement on de CO-LOG-NUH situatium! Sister OB'DEWLLA 'X'! Express yo'seff!
Ensemble:
(singing)
GALOOT
CO-LOG-NUH!
Thing-Fish:
GALOOT, GALOOT,
GALOOT, GALOOT,
GALOOT, GALOOT,
De KILLER CO-LOG-NUH!
Ensemble:
GALOOT
CO-LOG-NUH!
Thing-Fish:
GALOOT, GALOOT,
GALOOT, GALOOT,
GALOOT, GALOOT,
De KILLER CO-LOG-NUH, Thass right!
De KILLER CO-LOG-NUH, Thass right!
Well, de gubnint dint fine out rights away 'bout . . .
Ensemble:
De 'MAMMY NUNS'
Thing-Fish:
Dat's right!
Ensemble:
De 'MAMMY NUNS'
Thing-Fish:
Well, dey's too damn excited 'bout de sissies dey was knockin' off, 'n workin' up an uncreedable variety of theoretical scenarios, tryin' to explain away how come de fagnits all be croakin' at de same time in—
Ensemble:
NOVEMBER!
Thing-Fish:
De month o' NOVEMBUH, reekin' of tainted CO-LOG-NUM! Dey booked in de heavy pseudo re-LIJ-mus talent to pronunciate de doc-TRINE of BIBLICAL RETRIBUTIUM!
Ensemble:
Moving the project forward!
Thing-Fish:
Figgin' dat to be . . .
Ensemble:
Da-da-dee-dahh!
Thing-Fish:
A sho-fi' explumation, suitable fo'
Domestical . . .
Ensemble:
Assuagement!
Thing-Fish:
Natchilly, a substantial number o' severely ignint white folks went fo' it, hook, line, 'n shrinker!
By dat time, de 'MAMMY NUNS' had already sprouted dem 'tato heads, 'n was in de process of growin' out dey nakkins . . .
Also, by a peculiar corinsidence, we's all up fo' PAROLE at de SAME TIME! Thass right! You figgit out!
Once we's out DE JOINT, we faced a hard time in de depressium . . . couldn't get no 'sembly line woik, 'n since de nakkins we's wearin' atch'ly be GROWIN' outs our bodies, we was labelled as 'over-qualified' fo' janitorical deployment!
Onliest good thang 'bout bein' a 'MAMMY NUN' is we be mo-less UN-destructable! Whatever dey done whiffed up befo' don't do SHIT to us now! Fact, we jes mights be de onliest thangs left walkin' in de U.S.A., now de MYS'TRY RE-ZEASE gone outa control!
Ensemble:
Just like you!
Thing-Fish:
Just like you! I see some of y'all be FROWNIN' . . . 'cause mebbe y'think what I's tellin' ya' is a LIE! How 'bout it, folks? Whatcha say? Id dat right?
Ensemble:
Yes, it sho' is!
Thing-Fish:
Well, les' jes' have a test . . . how many o' you nice folks think I knows what I's talkin' 'bout? RAISE Y'HAIN UP! Uh-huh!
An' how many thinks my potato been bakin' too long? RAISE YO MIZZABLE HAIN UP! Uh-huh!
Now . . . how many you folks is CONVINCED de gubnint be totally 'UNCONCERNED' wit de proliferatium o' UNDESIRABLE TENANTS in de CONDOMINIUM o' LIFE? An' how many folks believe THEY number won't come up, next time de breeze blow fum de Easterly directium?
Les' face it, peoples! Ugly as I mights be, I AM YO' FUTCHUM!
'Les y'all prefer 'permanent storage' or a condo in ATLANTIS.
Ensemble:
They could really get down there!
Thing-Fish:
Dey could really GET DOWN dere, but, I's de only protexium you got!
Now, durin' de intromissium, de SISTERS be sellin' some MASH POTATOES in de lobby, right over by de—
Ensemble:
PYRAMID!
Thing-Fish:
In de vicinity o' de . . .
Ensemble:
SQUID DECOR!
Thing-Fish:
'Neath de planet o' de big ol' giant . . .
Ensemble:
Big ol' giant Underwater door!
Thing-Fish:
A generous good-will offerin' are REQUIRED . . . jes' let yo' conscience be yo' guide . . .
Ensemble:
BLUE LIGHT!
Thing-Fish:
Jes' follow de BLUE LIGHT, down de aisle to de potatoes durin' de intromissium . . .
Ensemble:
Light, light, light, light . . . BLUE
Light, light, light, light . . . BLUE
BLUE LIGHT
BLUE LIGHT
Thing-Fish:
. . . An' while y'all be thinkin' about de blue light, an' y'all be decidin' whether or not yo' immunity gwine hold up 'til de end o' de show, I's 'bout to address myseff to de re-educatement o' dem silly muthafuckers over deahhh.
Ensemble:
You can't even speak your own fucking language!
Thing-Fish:
What on urf do you mean: 'MY LANGUAGE'? I got yo language hangin', boy, 'long wif a two-week supply of IGNINT McNUGGET, de breakfast o' champiums!
Ensemble:
Don't let your meat loaf! Huh-huh-huh!
Thing-Fish:
Huh? Kiss my McNUGGET!
Ensemble:
Your micro-nanette!
Thing-Fish:
Y'all kin kiss my micro-nanette too!
Ensemble:
BLUE . . .
Thing-Fish:
Don't forget de GALOOT!
Ensemble:
GALOOT CO-LOG-NUHHHHHH!
Thing-Fish:
GALOOT COLOGNUM!
Thing-Fish:
Now, dis nasty sucker is de respondable party fo de en-whiffment o' de origumal potium. Through de magik o' stage-kraff, we be able to see him at woik!
He now be preparin' some ugly shit to make yo' life even mo' mizzable den it awready are, since dis batch be resigned to render him IMMORTAL! We does not know if it gwine woik yet, but we kin always hope fo' de best!
(singing)
Flies all green 'n buzznin'
In his dunjing of despair
Prisoners grummle an' piss dey' clothes
'N scratch dey' matted hair
A tiny light fum a window-hole
A hunnit yards away
Is all dey ever gets t'know
'Bouts de reg'luh life in de day
An' it stink so bad, de stones been chokin'
'N weepin' greenish drops
In de room where de giant fowah-puffer woikin',
'N de torchum never stopstops
De torchum never stops
De torchum,
De torchum,
De torchum never stopstops
(Go on, 'DEWLLA! Play dat lil' guitar one mo' 'gin!)
(spoken)
Uh-oh! I smells trubba! He be messin' wit pigmeat heahhh! Muthafucker be rejectin' some CO-LOG-NUH directly into de DUO-DEENUM of de unsuspecting victim! Now he gone see if he immune to it by eatin' a dab hisseff!
(singing)
Flies all green an' buzznin'
In his dunjing of despair
An EVIL PRINCE eats a steamin' pig
In a chamber, right near dere
He eat de snouts an' de trotters foist!
De loins an' de groins id soon re-spersed
His carvin' style id well re-hoist
He stan' 'n shout:
All main be coist!
All main be coist!
All main be coist!
All main be coist!
An' dis-ergree? Well, no one durst . . .
He de best, of cose, of all de woist
Some wrong been done, he done it foist . . .
An' he stink so bad, his bones been chokin'
And weepin' greenish drops,
In de vat of GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH,
Where de Re-zease be berlin' up
Berlin' an' uh boilin' up
CO-LOG-NUH!
CO-LOG-NUH!
GALOOT CO-LOG-UH-NUH!
(spoken)
Oh! Do yoseff a favum 'n DON'T USE IT! Oooooooh! Look at THESE ugly suckers! Boy, when white folks come back fum bein' dead, they sho' gets scary-lookin'! But don't take their appearance too seriously, people, 'cause dey say dis de sort o' folks dat belongs on BROADWAY!
Evil Prince:
(singing)
Somewhere, over there, I can tell,
There's the voice of
A potato-headed whatchamacallit
Who does not wish me well!
His clothes are quite stupid,
And also his shoes!
He's got a big ol' duck-mouth!
(Who knows how he chews!)
He thinks he knows something
About THE GREAT PLAN!
How ULTIMATE BLANDNESS
Must RULE and COMMAND
He knows not a drop,
Not a crumb,
Not a whit,
Of the reason for doing
This criminal shit
And then, if he did,
Would it matter a bit?
Not at all!
Because IT IS WRIT:
Our BEIGE-BLANDISH GOD
Tends to CERTIFY IT:
"Only the boring and bland shall survive!
Only the lamest of lameness will thrive!"
Take it or leave it, you won't be alive,
If you are overtly CREATIVE!
Fairies and faggots and queers are
'CREATIVE'
All the best music on Broadway is
'NATIVE'
Who will step forward
And end all this trouble?
For beige-blandish citizens,
Clutching the rubble
Of vanishing dreams
Of wimpish amusement,
Replaced by a rash
Of 'CREATIVE' confusement!
Soon, my brave Zombies,
You'll make your return!
Broadway will glow!
Broadway will burn!
(Along with the remnants of
EVERYTHING NEW)
My HOLY DISEASE will do
Wonders for you!
Those lovely producers
Who paid for you 'then'
Will do it again, and again, and again!
The spying potato
With horrible diction
Will rot in the garbage
When this show's eviction
Takes place shortly after
My alternate skill
Of THEATRICAL SABOTAGE
Triumphs YOUR will!
I've a special review
I've been saving for years
For a show just like this,
With POTATOES and QUEERS
I'll say it's disgusting, atrocious, and dull
I'll say it makes boils inside of your skull
I'll say it's the worst-of-the-worst of the year,
No wind down the plain, and it's hard on your ear
I'll say it's the work of an infantile mind
I'll say that it's tasteless, and that you will find
A better excuse to spend money or time
At a Tupper-Ware Party,
So, do be a smarty!
Hold on to that dollar
A little while longer
For spending it here,
Why, it couldn't be wronger!
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO BROADWAY?
WHERE'S IT GONE, ALL THE GLITTER?
THE 'HEART' AND THE 'SOUL'
THE PATTER?
THE PITTER?
And after this deadly review hits the paper,
In will come ROPER, BENDER & RAPER,
To legally execute all that remains
Of this tragic amusement for drug-addled brains
Thing-Fish:
(singing)
Flies all green an' buzznin'
In his dunjing of despair
Who are all o' dem ZOMBIES
Dat he fuckin' wit down dere?
Are dey crazy?
Are dey sainted?
Are dey STAGE-KRAFF someone painted?
It have never been explained,
Since at first it were created,
But, a MUSICAL, like we's in,
Require a WHOLE BUNCH O' EVERYTHIN'!
We talkin' EVERYTHIN' DAT EVER BEEN!
Look at her!
Look at him!
Dat what de deal we dealing in
Dat what de deal we dealing in
Dat what de deal we dealing in
Dat what de deal we dealing in
Harry:
RHONDA, that EVIL PRINCE . . . he certainly does have a way about him!
Rhonda:
At least HE didn't piss on my fox . . . and HE has REAL BROADWAY STARS for personal acquaintances!
Harry:
They're all dead, dear . . . Zombies, I believe . . . the 'walking dead' . . . Jack Palance did a show on them once.
Rhonda:
Oh my God! Look at what he's doing with that stuff from inside the pig! Yuck! That's disgusting! Are you sure this guy is a PRINCE?
Harry:
He's an EVIL PRINCE, dear . . . and part-time theater critic! They don't make a heck-of-a-lot of money, y'know! We should probably feel sorry for him. You have to admit, those ARE some of the least expensive cuts of pork.
Thing-Fish:
Don't you white folks know nothin'? Dat cock-sucker not only mean 'n dangerous, he ignint in regards to de prep'ratium o' food-stuffs! Even in SAN QUENTIM I never seen nobody eat a RAW CHITLIN'! De muthafucker be CRAZY! An' when dat gobbige make it's way thoo de digestium process, you bes' be hopin' you on yo' way outa heahh! Next item de boy be inventin' come under de headin' o' industrial pollutium!
Harry:
Just what are these . . . chitlin's?
Thing-Fish:
Dat dere id perhaps de questium most frequently posed by members of yo' species! I'll jes' gets de MAMMYS t'hep me relucidate dis bafflin' concept wit another thrillin' numbuh!
Thing-Fish:
Straighten up in dat chair and pay ATTENTIUM! People, dis is fo yo' own good! Do YOU know what YOU ARE?
Ensemble:
(displaying Dummy #1)
Do you know what you are?
Thing-Fish:
Dat what I ast ya!
Ensemble:
You are what you is
You is what you am
Thing-Fish:
And DAT de trufe!
Ensemble:
(A cow don't make ham . . . )
Thing-Fish:
I meant dat now!
Ensemble:
You ain't what you're not
Thing-Fish:
Not even hardly . . .
Ensemble:
So see what you got
Thing-Fish:
And you got a lot o' lookin' t'do, junior!
Ensemble:
You are what you is
Thing-Fish:
Dat entirely TOO CORRECT!
Ensemble:
An' that's all it 'tis!
Thing-Fish:
Uh-HUHHHH!
Ensemble:
A foolish young man
Thing-Fish:
Bring dat dummy ovuh heah 'n show it to 'em!
Ensemble:
Stashed away in SAN QUENTIM
Ate de mys'try potatoes
Thing-Fish:
Told ya 'bout dem 'taters!
Ensemble:
EVIL PRINCE was inventin'
Now he talk like de THING-FISH
Thing-Fish:
(manipulating the dummy)
("Hmmmm, Saffiiiee!")
Ensemble:
An' he look like a MAMMY!
Thing-Fish:
(manipulating the dummy)
("See de mammy, now! See de mammy, now!")
Ensemble:
His fav'rit CO-LOG-NUMM . . .
Thing-Fish:
Smell like . . .
Sister Potato Head Bobby Brown, Sister Ghenghis Adonis Osmosis, Sister Jasmine Noxema Tapioca:
CHITLINS!
Ensemble:
Is de one dey call 'SAMMY'!
Thing-Fish:
One-Adam-Twelve . . . see de mammy . . .
Ensemble:
He finally layin'
Thing-Fish:
Armed 'n dangerous, reproach wit cautium!
Ensemble:
De whole thang down,
'Cept de NIVEA LOTIUM!
Thing-Fish:
Rub it on good, now!
Ensemble:
An de ROYAL CROWN!
Thing-Fish:
Take good care o' dat "ASH"!
Ensemble:
Do you know what you are?
Thing-Fish:
You's a wimp . . . she's a shrew!
Ensemble:
You are what you is
Thing-Fish:
Got dat?
Ensemble:
You is what you am
Thing-Fish:
One-Adam-Twelve, see de mammy agin'!
Ensemble:
(A cow don't make ham . . . )
Thing-Fish:
And it never will . . .
Ensemble:
You ain't what you're not,
Thing-Fish:
Unless SCIENCE do somethin' 'bout it!
Ensemble:
So see what you got!
Thing-Fish:
I KNOW dey woikin' on it . . .
Ensemble:
You are what you is,
Thing-Fish:
Underneath VIRGINIA!
Ensemble:
An' that's all it 'tis!
Thing-Fish:
BOOG-BOOGMMM, Dano . . . "MAMMY ONE"!
Ensemble:
(showing Dummy #2)
A foolish young man
Of de negro persuasion
Devoted his life
To become a caucasian
He stopped eating pork
He stopped eating greens
He trade his dashiki
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
(manipulating the dummy)
("Uhuru!")
Ensemble:
For some Jordache Jeans!
He learned to play golf
An' he got a good score
Now he says to himself:
"I AIN'T NO . . . "
Thing-Fish:
"NIGNINT!"
Ensemble:
"NO MORE . . . HEY! HEY! HEY!"
Thing-Fish:
One-Adam-Twelve, see de "NIGNINT" wit knife . . . proceed wif cautium . . . knife may be open . . .
Ensemble:
BWANA MA-COO-BAH
Harry:
All Right! Let's go!
Ensemble:
MERCEDES BAINNNZZZZZ!
Ensemble:
Who is who?
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
(singing)
I don't know . . .
Ensemble:
'N what is what
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Somethin' I just don't know . . .
Ensemble:
'N why is this
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Tell me now . . .
Ensemble:
Appropriot
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
That's a funny pronunciation,
If'n ever I heard one!
Ensemble:
If you don't like
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Where'd you get that word?
Ensemble:
What you has got
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Appropriot?
The word is not!
Ensemble:
Drop it in the dirt
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Drop it, yeah!
Ensemble:
'N let it rot
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
I can smell it now!
Ensemble:
Someone else
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Here de come, here de come!
Ensemble:
Will surely come
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
I told you he was comin'!
Ensemble:
'N pick it up
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
That's right!
Ensemble:
'Cause he wants some
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
An' he wants it for free!
Ensemble:
And when one day
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
There will come a day!
Ensemble:
You wonder who
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
I wonder too!
Ensemble:
You used to was
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Who I was, anyway!
Ensemble:
'N what you do
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
I used to work at the post office!
Ensemble:
You'll scratch your head
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
But I don't wanna un-do my doo!
Ensemble:
'N look around
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
To see what's goin' on!
Ensemble:
But what you lost
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Can't seem to find it!
Ensemble:
Will not be found
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
A Mercedes Benz!
Ensemble:
Do you know what you are?
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
I know!
Ensemble:
You are what you is
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
I'm the kinda guy . . .
Ensemble:
You is what you am
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
That ought to be drivin'
Ensemble:
A cow don't make ham
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
A four-fifty SLC . . .
Ensemble:
You ain't what you're not
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
A big ol' RED ONE!
Ensemble:
So see what you got
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
With some golf clubs stickin' out de trunk!
Ensemble:
You are what you is
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
I'm gwine down to de links on Saturday mornin'!
Ensemble:
An' that's all it is
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Gimme a five-dollar bill!
Ensemble:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
And an overcoat too . . .
Ensemble:
AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Where's my waitress, yeahhhh!
Ensemble:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Robbie, take me to Greek Town!
Ensemble:
AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
I'm harder than yer husband;
Harder than yer husband!
Ensemble:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
I'm goin' down to White Street, to the Mudd Club, y'all!
Ensemble:
AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
Gone I'm goin' down 'n work the wall!
'N work the floor
Ensemble:
YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
'N work the pipe,
'N work the wall some more!
Ensemble:
AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS
Sister Owl-Gonkwin-Jane Cow-Hoon:
And here we are,
At the Mudd Club, y'all!
I hope you enjoy yourself,
'Cause the show's about to begin!
Ensemble:
Hey, they're really dancin',
(They're on AUTO-DESTRUCT)
On the floor
On the pipe
Bouncin' off-a the wall
Hey, the people here are really
Tearin' it up
On the side
In the back
By the front of the stage
They ain't really crazy
(You can take it from me)
I should know,
'Cause I go
Every time I'm in town
If you never tried it,
Lemme straighten you out:
It's the best kinda place
To un-fasten yerself!
MUDD CLUB!
Thing-Fish:
All the way downtown!
Ensemble:
MUDD CLUB!
Thing-Fish:
They ain't messin' around!
Ensemble:
MUDD CLUB!
Thing-Fish:
Just turn to the left 'n look around,
Because it's there SOMEWHERE!
If you ain't found it,
Better hurry up!
The folks down there's on
AUTO-DESTRUCT,
And so can YOU be, TOO!
(De fact o' de matter,
it's MADE FOR YOU!)
Try it on a Saturday
'Bout four o'clock in the mornin',
Or even a Monday,
At midnight,
When there's just a few
Of them severely ignint white folks
Doin' the Peppermint Twist (for real)
In a black sack dress,
(With nine-inch heels),
And then a guy
With a BLUE MOHAWK come in,
In Serious Leather . . .
(And all the rest
Of whom
For which
To when-so-never
Of partially indeterminate
Biochemical degradation
SEEK 'THE PATH'
To the sudsy yellow nozzle
Of their
Foaming nocturnal
Parametric-digital
Whole-wheat/inter-faith
Geo-thermal
Terpsichorean Ejectamenta)
In Serious Leather!
In Serious Chains!
'N den dey works de wall!
Dey works de floor!
Dey works de pipe!
'N dey works de wall SOME MORE!
In Serious Leather!
Serious Chains!
Serious Clothing!
From when they come downtown
From the ruins of Studio '54
To Twist 'n Frugg,
In an arrogant gesture to
THE BEST
Of what de 20th Century have to offer,
Including a generous supply
Of 'IGNINT McNUGGET'!
QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND
Down there right now,
With a whole face-full of 'IGNINT McNUGGET',
Looking for a virgin with nice breath!
Sister Jasmina Noxema-Tapioca & Sister Potato-Head Bobby Brown:
(two-part harmony)
Why, maybe it's YOU!
Thing-Fish:
And YOU don't even know it!
Ensemble:
Hey, they're really dancin',
Thing-Fish:
Dey REALLY dancin' . . .
Ensemble:
They're on AUTO-DESTRUCT!
On the floor
On the pipe
Bouncin' off-a the wall!
Thing-Fish:
Right offa dat wall, too!
Ensemble:
Hey, the people here are really
Tearin' it up
Thing-Fish:
Dey tearin' it off!
Ensemble:
On the side
In the back
By the front of the stage
Thing-Fish:
Took de boy's Mohawk off!
Ensemble:
They ain't really crazy
(You can take it from me)
Thing-Fish:
Uh-OH! I smells trubba!
Ensemble:
I should know,
'Cause I go
Every time I'm in town
Thing-Fish:
CHRISTIANS comin' up!
Ensemble:
If you never tried it,
Lemme straighten you out:
Thing-Fish:
Lemme straighten you out, now . . .
Ensemble:
It's the best kinda place
To un-fasten yerself, while you . . .
Thing-Fish:
Get off dat wall now . . .
Thing-Fish:
Boy!
Ensemble:
WORK THE WALL!
Thing-Fish:
Dey workin' de wall!
Ensemble:
WORK THE FLOOR!
Thing-Fish:
Dey not only woikin' it, dey turnin' de damn thing!
Ensemble:
WORK THE PIPE!
Thing-Fish:
De pipe?
Ensemble:
(IN SERIOUS PAIN)
Thing-Fish:
Welcome to the QUENTIN ROBERT DE NAMELAND VIDEO CHAPEL OF ECONOMIC WORSHIP!
Ensemble:
(singing)
Some take THE BIBLE
For what it's worth
When it says that THE MEEK
Shall inherit THE EARTH
Well, I heard that some Sheik
Has bought New Jersey last week,
'N you suckers ain't gettin' DOODLY!
Is all de MAMMYS really wrong,
If we's wandrin' aroun'
Wit' de nakkin on?
Big ol' lips like a duck,
While we's singin' dis song,
(EVIL PRINCE, people, he cain't do NOTHIN'!)
Thing-Fish:
You say yo' life a 'BUM DEAL',
'N yo' 'UP AGAINST DE WALL'?
Well, people, you ain't got no kinda
'DEAL' at all!
Now de shit dey be doin'
Down in WASHINGTUM,
Ensemble:
Dey just takes care
Thing-Fish:
Dey takin' care
Ensemble:
O' 'NUMBER ONE,'
Thing-Fish:
O' 'NUMBER ONE'!
Ensemble:
An' 'NUMBER ONE' ain't YOU!
Thing-Fish:
Oh no! It ain't YOU or YOU!
Ensemble:
YOU ain't even 'NUMBER TWO'!
Thing-Fish:
(Push de button, pull dat chain,
Out come dat lil' brown
Choo-choo train!)
Ensemble:
Those JESUS-FREAKS,
Well, they're friendly, BUT,
The SHIT they BELIEVE
Has got their minds ALL SHUT,
An' they don't even CARE
When 'THE CHURCH' takes a 'CUT'!
(Ain't it BLEAK when you've got so much
NOTHIN'?)
Thing-Fish:
Wohhhhhh, so whaddya do?
Ensemble:
EAT that PORK!
'N EAT that HAM!
Laugh till ya choke
On BILLY GRAHAM!
BROWN MOSES, AARON, 'n ABRAHAM:
They're ALL a waste of TIME,
'N it's YOUR ASS that's ON THE LINE!
Thing-Fish:
Wohhhhhh, heah me talkin' to ya, now, IT'S YOUR ASS THAT'S ON THE LINE!
Ensemble:
Do what you WANNA,
Thing-Fish:
Ohh! Do what ya wanna!
Ensemble:
Do WHAT YOU WILL,
Thing-Fish:
Do what you will!
Ensemble:
Just DON'T MESS UP
Thing-Fish:
Don't mess it!
Ensemble:
YOUR NEIGHBOR'S THRILL,
Thing-Fish:
Dat's right!
Ensemble:
'N when you PAY THE BILL,
Thing-Fish:
Aww, when y'pay de bill . . .
Ensemble:
Kindly LEAVE A LITTLE TIP,
Thing-Fish:
One-Adam-Twelve . . .
Ensemble:
And help the NEXT POOR SUCKER
Thing-Fish:
See de sucker . . .
Ensemble:
On his ONE WAY TRIP!
(SOME TAKE THE BIBLE!)
Thing-Fish:
Aw, gimme a half a duzzning fo' de hotel ruim!
Thing-Fish:
(contd.)
Thass right, folks! We talkin' de hypocritical Jeezis-jerknuh parodise dey call LAS VAGRUS NEVADRUH!
QUENTIN done booked in fo some clandestine recreatium wit a semi-deflateable 'woman of easy virtue' . . . (since dat be 'bouts de onliest kinda bitch be able to tolerate de muthafucker's hair spray!)
Bein' jes' like most de other nasty cocksuckers in de Video-Religium Industry, QUENTIN know a good thing when he see one, an dis ugly rubber waitress look to him like a dream come true . . . specially since his TV WIFE, OPAL, be in de next room drinkin' Jack Daniels 'n puttin' de hurts on some ignint bell-boy.
'Ventchlly when all de plookin' 'n thrashin' be done wif, de bell-boy (who turn out to be de illejiminit son o' de video preacher) gwine take a job at a gas statium in New Jersey . . . an' de blow-up dolly gwine come to life and fall in love wit de junior wimp who's gettin' ready to appear over in de corner deahhh.
Les' meet de lil' sucker cocksucker now, while he's still young . . . 'cause, 'fo y'all knows it, he be reachin' adulthood and marry some bitch name RHONDA . . . 'n, by dat time, he gwine become what dey call an OVER-EDUCATED SHIT-HEAD!
Rhonda:
HARRY! HARRY, is that YOU as a BOY?
Harry:
Why, it MUST be! He's so charming and sweet and likeable!
Thing-Fish:
HARRY-AS-A-BOY, c'mon over 'n say a few words to de nice peoples!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
Hi, folks! Nice to be here!
Thing-Fish:
I's sure dere be lotsa folks like to know what yo' plans are . . . how y'intend t'be gwine about dis uncredibly serious bidniss o' GROWIN' UP IN ERMERICA!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
Well, I plan on making a few mistakes, having my heart broken and so forth, using all kinds of drugs, and turning gay as soon as possible in order to accelerate my rise to the 'top of the heap.'
Thing-Fish:
Ahh! Tremenjous, HARRY-AS-A-BOY, simply tre-MENJOUS! You practicin' up fo it wit anybody in po-ticlar now?
Harry-As-A-Boy:
I can't afford to study with anyone yet, since the bulk of my allowance goes for glue and Grateful Dead tickets, but soon I hope to be on my knees in a REAL HOMO BATH HOUSE . . . maybe when my folks go on vacation.
Thing-Fish:
Ain't you de clever one! Tell us, HARRY-AS-A-BOY, howdja recide upon dis heah life-style bein' DE ONE FO YOU?
Harry-As-A-Boy:
It was pretty simple, really. I lost all desire for intercourse with females when they started carrying those briefcases and wearing suits 'n ties.
Rhonda:
WHAT?
Harry-As-A-Boy:
Let's face it: that would be like fucking a slightly more voluptuous version of somebody's father! 'N I'm far too sensitive for such a traumatic experience!
Thing-Fish:
You means DE WOMENS' LIBROMATION MOVENINT done created de uncontrollable urgement to play dingle-dangle-dingle wit de personal requipment of yo own gender?
Harry-As-A-Boy:
To a degree . . . I mean . . . look, I'm not stupid! I know it's all a thoroughly workable government-sponsored program to control the Population Explosion, and, just like every other AMERICAN, I'm too concerned with MY OWN personal health and well being to think of devoting any of MY precious time to something as boring as 'REPRODUCTION'!
Rhonda:
HARRY, I used to think you were merely an OVER-EDUCATED SHIT-HEAD, but now that I finally have proof, it's going to give me GREAT PLEASURE to refer to you as an OVER-EDUCATED COCKSUCKER!
Harry:
Well, to be honest with you, dearest, I sort of . . . gulp, gulp . . .
Rhonda:
Where's the fairies on a string, HARRY? Huh? Riddle me this!
Thing-Fish:
Easy there, white folks! I told y'all'd be gettin' yo' fairies after while, 'n y'know dat sort o' thing take a little time to woik up to in yo' BROADWAY SITCHYATIUM! MAMMYS step faw'd 'n hep de lil' cocksucker out!
Ensemble:
(singing)
He's so gay
(He's so gay)
He's very very gay
(Yeah . . . )
He's so gay
(He's so gay)
Brown Moses:
Yes, he is
I guess he likes it
Yeah
Ensemble:
And he likes to be that way
(MOO-AHH)
With his keys on the right
Brown Moses:
Uh-huh
Ensemble:
He's into rubber every night
Brown Moses:
Into . . . into rubber?
Wha . . . the boy's into rubber every night!
Ensemble:
He's so gay
(So gay)
He's so gay
Brown Moses:
Oh, my goodness
Whoo . . .
Ensemble:
He's ALMOST EVERYONE TODAY
He's okay
He's okay
Brown Moses:
Yeah, that's what they say
Ensemble:
He's got a role he wants to play
Brown Moses:
Aww . . . look, have you ever SMELLED rubber?
Ensemble:
He's okay
He's okay
Brown Moses:
I guess it's okay, he's lookin' for (?) l-look at his woman, yeah . . . I-I guess it's all right
Ensemble:
He's just a cowboy for a day
Brown Moses:
Mm-hmm
Ensemble:
Of course, his evening's not complete
Brown Moses:
Uh-huh
Ensemble:
Without some meat in the seat;
Brown Moses:
Don't tell me that
Ensemble:
Let's skate away
Down Santa Monica today (Well well well)
Maybe he wants a little spanking
Brown Moses:
Uh . . . a spanking?
Ensemble:
Maybe he'll eat a little chain
(He'll eat some chain)
Brown Moses:
Uh . . . well, eat the chain
Ensemble:
Maybe his lover should be thanking him
Brown Moses:
Uh-huh
Ensemble:
For the way he makes it sprinkle
Brown Moses:
Wait a minute . . .
Wh . . .
Ensemble:
Into drops of GOLDEN RAIN
(MOO-AHH,
MOO-AHH,
MOO-AHH)
Brown Moses:
M . . . makin' into rai . . . ?
Oh no!
What is the problem?
Uh-oh
UHH-OHH
Ensemble:
He's so gay
He's so gay
Brown Moses:
Yeah, that's what it is
Ensemble:
He rules the city in a way
Brown Moses:
Ohh boy . . .
Ensemble:
You could say
(You could say)
Brown Moses:
Wha . . . what could ya say?
Ensemble:
It's sorta different today
Brown Moses:
I agree
Ensemble:
All the taffeta and chintz
Brown Moses:
Uh . . . 'least the boy ain't gonna reproduce hisself again
Ensemble:
And every Leather Boy's a PRINCE
Brown Moses:
Uh-huh
Ensemble:
Hey hey hey!
Brown Moses:
Hey hey hey . . .
Ensemble:
Please don't look the other way
You could be just like him
TOMORROW!
Brown Moses:
Hoooo, that's shockin'!
Ensemble:
Mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah
Brown Moses:
Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh Ooof!
Ensemble:
Maybe you'll get a chance
Brown Moses:
I'm telling ya
Ensemble:
To borrow (Borrow)
Brown Moses:
What I'm a borrow?
Ensemble:
His bouquet
Brown Moses:
No way!
Ensemble:
And maybe later . . .
Brown Moses:
Don't you tell me this
Ensemble:
MAYBE LATER
Brown Moses:
I said don't you tell me this!
Ensemble:
We'll ALL BE
GAY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!
Brown Moses:
No! No! No!
Oh, gay . . .
Ensemble:
DO YOU REALLY WANNA HURT ME?
Brown Moses:
You just did!
FZ:
MOO-AHHH!
Thing-Fish:
(to the rubber girl)
Hmmm! Dat quite a massive improve'lence, dah-lin'! Jes' a few moments ago you was well on yo' way to bein' severely ugly! Now, thoo de magik o' stagekraff, de blubulence of yo' blobulence done reciprocated to a respectumal reclusium! Yow! SCIENCE!
(to HARRY & RHONDA)
Ef y'all don't minds me sayin' so, I b'lieves it's 'bout time fo yo pathetical miniaturized replicas to FALL IN LOVE! After all . . . dis lil' sucker already been fulla glue, homo-sectional extrusiums, 'n ARMY FOOD . . . nothin' left fo' him to do, 'cept get catched by dis' lil' stinker over heahhh!
'Membuh, we's on BROADWAY! Muthafucker be buyin' dem tickets wants a lil' HEART, a lil' SOUL . . . 'n some TITTY TOO, ef dey can git it, so, les' get y'all in positium heah, 'n get dis silly business over wit! Y'all's takin' too goddam long to GROW UP IN ERMERICA!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
I suppose you're right, Mr. THING-FISH, but you'll have to admit . . . this is a rather awkward situation!
Harry:
That's right! Stage-craft is one thing, but this is ridiculous! Where did that stimulating little replica come from anyway?
Rhonda:
That's a GOOD QUESTION, HARRY! Don't let him wiggle out of it! Hound him mercifullessly until you receive a suitable answer!
Harry:
Now, just hold yourself in abeyance, RHONDA! I'll handle this! Look here, 'Mr. POTATO-HEAD,' what's the meaning of all this? Do you realize what you're asking my REPLICA to do? Do you expect him to literally FALL IN LOVE in front of all these people . . . with that artificial RHONDA over there?
Thing-Fish:
Whoa, do de Pope shit in de woods?
Harry:
Now, just hold on there, buddy! Let's be serious! The toilet training of exalted religious personalities is not our primary topic of discussion!
Rhonda:
HARRY, that's wonderful! The way you're just rearing up on your hind legs like that! That's terrific! So what if you suck a little cock every once in a while! That's TERRIFIC!
Thing-Fish:
(to HARRY)
Look heuhhh, sweetheart, they's somethin' fishy gwine on . . . all I's wantin' to do is get de romantic in'trust out de way so we can git back to de EVIL PRINCE, 'n see what de fuck we gone do 'bouts HIM! De way you's givin' me de lip, lead me to infer a subterior motivatium!
Harry:
(singing)
I WANT A NUN!
I WANT A NUN!
I WANT A BURRO,
IN THE FROSTY LIGHT!
Thing-Fish:
You want a NUN? De boy want a NUN? What de fuck kinda NUN you want?
Harry:
(singing)
I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE UP MY MIND!
SOMETHING ABOUT MAMMYS
SEEMS SO SUBLIME . . .
THAT'S THE BROADWAY WORD
USED WHEN THEY RHYME
A SONG ABOUT LOVE!
Thing-Fish:
But, on BROADWAY, it's a NEW DAY! Ain'tcha hoid? Yo' unrequired desirin's be mo' suited to de ZOMBY-FOLK up in de EVIL PRINCE'S lab-mo-to-rium!
Harry:
(whimpering)
Don't make fun of me . . . PLEASE! I know I'm not the most desirable kind of fellow a 'MAMMY NUN' could choose for intimate companionship . . . but . . . but . . . gosh-darn-it, I'd TRY . . . I'd REALLY TRY to make you HAPPY!
Rhonda:
HARRY . . . you are . . . a worm . . . a disgusting WORM! YOU WORMMMMMM! You are nothing but a WORMMMMMMMMMMMM!
Thing-Fish:
Boy obviously got hisseff a provlum! Would y'all like to use my nakkin' one mo' time?
Harry:
Oh, YES! YES! Give me . . . your . . . how do you say it? 'NAY'KIN'? Oh!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
I think this is going too far, Mr. THING-FISH! I haven't even had a chance to fall in love, or to grow to maturity yet! The ARTIFICIAL RHONDA is pining away for my wholesome companionship, just over there! This isn't right! You're letting everything get all out of sequence!
Thing-Fish:
Whoa! I gots yo' 'SEQUENCE' hangin', boy! Get outs de way! Cain't y'see dat de mizzable cock-sucker you ultimately gwine become done fell in love wit' a 'MAMMY NUN'! Awright, which one idit, sweetheart?
Harry:
I . . . I . . . can't seem to make up my mind . . . you're all so . . . MASTERFUL! So SENSUOUS . . . you're so INCREDIBLY TALENTED!
Rhonda:
. . . a wor-r-r-r-r-mmmmmmmmmm! You are a FUCKING WOR-R-R-R-R-R-R-MMMMMMMMM!
Thing-Fish:
Makes up yo' mind, dahlin'! We ain't gots all night heahhh! Intromissium be comin' up putty quick! Folks be headin' on out to de lobby fo' dem MASH POTATOES we tole 'em 'bout earlier!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
I insist on FALLING IN LOVE, right now, this very moment, and I don't care what you do with HIM . . .
Thing-Fish:
Go 'head on den . . . go git yo' deflateable bitch ovuh deah! Judgin' fum all de fuss, you ain't in much better shape den de large economy size been clutchin' at my nakkin!
We gots a love song (jes' yo' type), bridgin' de conceptiumal gap between what you IS, what you THINK you is, what WE think you is, what you is GONNA BE, 'n also what yo' rubberized madonna be somewhat remindin' me of!
SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X', gather de mo' sensitive MAMMYS together fo' harmonicizatiumal purposes, while de ones with de M.B.A.'s hit de lobby 'n sell some shit, 'fo de customers over-run yo' ass! Meanwhile, lil' guy, go get yo' rubber girl 'n esspress yo-seff!
Thing-Fish:
Don't look OB'DEWLLA! It's too horrible! I b'lieve de muthafucker 'bout to ask dat rubber girl to dance!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
Hey, good-lookin'!
Thing-Fish:
See! I told ya!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
May I have this dance?
Thing-Fish:
Muthafucker barf me right on outa here, AN' gag me wit a spoon!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Do you come here often?
Thing-Fish:
YOW!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
(singing)
I got a girl with a little rubber head
Rinse her out every night just before I go to bed
She never talk back like a lady might do
An' she looks like she loves it every time I get through
And her name is
A-R-T-I
F-I-C, I cry
A-L, don't be shy!
ARTIFICIAL RHONDA
With the plastic pie
Her eyes is all shut in a ecstasy face
I can cram it down her throat, people, any old place!
Then I throw the little switch on her battery pack
'N I can poot it, I can shoot it till it makes her gack!
And her name is
A-R-T-I
F-I-C, I cry
A-L, don't be shy!
ARTIFICIAL RHONDA
With the plastic pie
Ensemble:
De boy got a girl wit' a lil' rubber haid
Rinse her out evvy night, jes befo' he go t'bed
He gonna grow up, 'n marry dat trash
Wit a ugly rubber head, an' a 'flateable gash
She jes' de kinda girl dis sucker might need
He's a little bit dumb, peoples, yes indeed
De boy wanna 'RHONDA', jeffo hisseff!
She gonna take what he got 'til nothin' be lef'
She gonna take what he got 'til nothin' be lef'
She gonna take what he got 'til nothin' be lef'
She gonna take what he got 'til nothin' be lef'
She gonna take what he got 'til nothin' be lef'
She gonna take what he got 'til nothin' be lef'
She gonna take what he got 'til nothin' be lef'
She gonna take what he got 'til nothin' be lef'
Crab-Grass Baby:
Stroke me pompadour, pompaduooor, pompaduooor, pompaduooor. Stroke my pompadour, father. Stroke it nicely while I tell you about the problems I am having with my car an my girlfriend. Ooo-woo-woo, the white man's burden!
Her and her girlfriend used to go out and booze it up and tear up the upholstery; rip the seats completely out, and so I got a fifty-six Olds. About the time I got it running decently, she got in it and wrecked the trans . . . tore it completely up, so I had to get another Oldsmobile (either that or go to Tijuana or go to BROWN MOSES way down in Egypt-Land). It's so hard on a child when his car is fucked up. Buy me a Volvo, faaather.
Harry-As-A-Boy:
Isn't it terrific, artificial RHONDA!
Crab-Grass Baby:
One-Adam-Twelve . . . see the enormous white pompadour! Ha-Ha-ha-ho! That's a good one! Hoo-hoo-hoo.
Harry-As-A-Boy:
He's so young, and yet, SO WISE!
Crab-Grass Baby:
I pooped my pants, pooped my pants, pooped my pants! I went doody, faaather, sob-sob-sob-sob-sob.
Harry-As-A-Boy:
His vocabulary is astonishing!
Crab-Grass Baby:
So what if you suck a little cock every once in a while?
Harry-As-A-Boy:
Ohhh . . . I'm so lucky to have a son like this . . .
Crab-Grass Baby:
Barf me out . . . gag me with a Volvo!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
I can't wait to show him to all the fellas down at the MINE-SHAFT!
Crab-Grass Baby:
Take me to the movies. Buy me a balloon. Stroke me pompadour!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
Look! Look! Look at the pecker on him, wouldja! Goodjy-goodjy-goodjy-goo! Hoo hoo hoo!
Thing-Fish:
Dis boy have a 'PROVLEM'! However, how 'bout a nice round of applause fo de three 'WISE MAMMIES', comin' atcha outa chute numba five!
Ensemble:
(singing)
De white boy troubles!
(White boy troubles!)
De white boy troubles!
(Boy got troubles!)
Oh what a boidennn!
(Ooh, heavy boidennn!)
His car's fucked up!
De boy got a provlem!
She ripped up de 'polstry
(Wit de red dress on)
Outa dat O-zo-mobile!
(Tell me what I say)
Hafta go ta Tia-Juana now!
(Mattie told Hattie)
He should go to BROWN MOSES,
Way down in Egyppp-Lainnn! (Egyppp-Lainnn)
Thing-Fish:
(checking off a clipboard, like a social worker)
Looks likes y'done putty good heahh, HARRY-AS-A-BOY! I sees ya' growin' up like a weed, axmodently reproducin' YOSEFF 'n evvythang. Done found some low-rent housin' in a one-dimensional cardbode nativity box on some Italian's funt lawn . . . bunch o' crab-grass underneath de offspring fo quick 'n easy sanitatium . . . shit! Y'all provvly be savin' up fo yo first LAVA LAMP putty soon!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
We're incredibly happy! Even though I'm gay for business purposes, my relationship with artificial RHONDA has blossomed into something really beautiful, although I must confess to being baffled by how she got knocked up.
Thing-Fish:
Well, if de trufe be told, it were de father o' de boy at de gas statium . . . when y'sent de ol' lady in fo' de inner-tube patchin', 'round de foth o' July.
Harry-As-A-Boy:
QUENTIN? How could he be so unfaithful? I'm sure God has ways of punishing naughty little guys like that!
Thing-Fish:
Mights well stop complainin', boy! De damage been done! Leastways y'all can pretend to be SOME KINDA DADDY! Yo' rubber bitch ain't gwine change no diapers! Y'said y'all was incredibly happy! Enjoy it while y'got it, boy! De shit gwine hit de fan in a minute!
Harry-As-A-Boy:
What? Something BAD is going to happen?
Thing-Fish:
You figgit out . . . judgin' fum de intellectional expressium on yo' beloved's ignint face, de bitch gwine be contemplatin' A CAREER OF HER OWN! See dat?
Look like she got her one good eye on a briefcase 'n a tweed spo't coat down de mall somewheres!
Durin' de intromissium, few de SISTERS seen her 'tendin' a CONSCIOUSNESS RAISIN' MEETIN' over at de Hiltum! Thass right! Bitch passed up de MASH POTATOES 'n took off wit' de High School Cafeteria Butch.
Makin' matters woise, de Italian dat be ownin' yo' nativity bungalow been wondrin' 'bouts de hanky AN' de panky 'tween you 'n dem two concrete flamingos ovuh by de steps! You been messin' wit de State Bird o' New Jersey, muthafucker! Dat kin git you five to life in dis vicinity! If you wants a little frennly advice, boy, I'd be growin' my ass up a little quicker, 'n whizz on outa heahh!
Leave de ugly baby in de crab-grass, snatch up yo' wretched excuse fo a woman, 'n climb on up de heap! Get yo'seff a job drivin' a truck fulla string-beans to Utah! Make sumfin' out y'seff, so's y'can afode a ticket to de MAMMY NUN SHOW! Den we can piss all ovuh de adulterated wimp you gwine become, an' get de shit rollin' agin'!
Thing-Fish:
Wooo! Looka-dat! A big ol' truck, 'n a box uh NODOZ . . . 'n ovuh deah, a greazy ol' dinuh, where yo rubber bitch kin reassume part-time employment in her former professium: slingin' hash in de directium o' de blue-collar community!
Ensemble:
No not now
Thing-Fish:
Yep! Hafta do it now!
Ensemble:
No not now
Thing-Fish:
Now's a good a time as any!
Ensemble:
No not now
Thing-Fish:
Dis ERMERICA, boy!
Ensemble:
No not now
Thing-Fish:
I never promised you no Rose Garden!
Ensemble:
Maybe later
Thing-Fish:
Ain't gone be no 'LATER'!
Ensemble:
Maybe later
Thing-Fish:
You got a hard row to hoe!
Ensemble:
She say I'm free
Thing-Fish:
She not exackly 'FREE'!
Ensemble:
She say I'm free
Thing-Fish:
Mo' like 'AVAILABLE FO' A LIMITED TIME ONLY' . . .
Ensemble:
She say I'm free
Thing-Fish:
Fo part-time industrial peruse-ment!
Ensemble:
She say I'm free,
Thing-Fish:
Look like ol' Quentim come back to peruse her one mo' time . . .
Ensemble:
But I like her sister,
Thing-Fish:
Wanna 'peruse' her sister, too . . .
Ensemble:
But I like her sister
Thing-Fish:
Dat what dem Gospel Folks dream 'bouts doin' in a dinuh!
Ensemble:
She can't decide
Thing-Fish:
Now RHONDA can't decide . . .
Ensemble:
Whom she wanna ride
Thing-Fish:
Ain't been ridin' no salami fum de wimp!
Ensemble:
She can't decide
Thing-Fish:
I know she gwine be ridin' sumphin' putty soon . . .
Ensemble:
Whom she wanna ride
Thing-Fish:
Ain't gone be no 'Hobby-Horse' neethuh!
Ensemble:
Tonight
Thing-Fish:
She need it tonite!
Ensemble:
Tonight
Thing-Fish:
Any minnit now!
Ensemble:
Tonight
Thing-Fish:
She so hot, it makin' her apron wrinkle, 'n smoke come pourin' out de back o' dat stupid paper hat!
Ensemble:
She changed her mind
Thing-Fish:
Her rubber mind . . .
Ensemble:
She changed her mind
Thing-Fish:
One o' de greatest minds of our time!
Ensemble:
She changed her mind
Thing-Fish:
De girl gots 'talent'!
Ensemble:
She changed her mind
Thing-Fish:
An' she 'rinse-able', too!
Ensemble:
And I don't blame her
Thing-Fish:
I don't blame her fo' rinsin' out what she had in dat mouf!
Ensemble:
And I don't blame her
Thing-Fish:
But de bitch gotta earn a livin'!
Ensemble:
No not now
(No no not now)
Thing-Fish:
Now when she NEEDS it!
Ensemble:
No not now
(No no not now)
Thing-Fish:
De wimp jes' mights fall asleep at de wheel!
Ensemble:
No not now
(No no not now)
Thing-Fish:
Git himseff all mashed up . . .
Ensemble:
No not now
(No not now)
Thing-Fish:
An' lookin' like a pancake!
Ensemble:
Maybe later
Thing-Fish:
Thass right! It COULD happen later!
Ensemble:
Maybe later
Thing-Fish:
Dis de MAMMY NUN SHOW, folks! ANYTHING can happen! Shut up! You needs a vacatium, boy! You gots de 'WHITE LINE FEVUM'! Coupla donuts 'n some cowboy music fix ya right up! Breaker-breaker! Git down wit de 'come-back! Sleepy wimp seek lastin' relationship wit anally-oriented 'luminum sidin' salesman!
Ensemble:
The big ol' hat
Thing-Fish:
Wit a big ol' hat!
Ensemble:
The cowboy pants
Thing-Fish:
An' some cowboy pants!
Ensemble:
Transcontinental
Thing-Fish:
Built like a trans-continentum . . .
Ensemble:
Hobby horse
Thing-Fish:
Hobby-hobby hoss!
Ensemble:
String beans to Utah
Thing-Fish:
Thass right!
Ensemble:
String beans to Utah
Thing-Fish:
Tonight!
Ensemble:
Ah, the wife!
Thing-Fish:
Ah, the wife!
Ensemble:
Oh, the waitress!
Thing-Fish:
An' de waitress too!
Ensemble:
Oh, the drive . . .
Thing-Fish:
Oh, 'THE DRIVE'!
Ensemble:
All night long
Thing-Fish:
All night long!
Ensemble:
String beans to Utah
Thing-Fish:
Yum-yum!
Ensemble:
String beans to Utah
Deliver string beans
To Utah tonight
Thing-Fish:
Giddyup!
Ensemble:
I better go fast
Or they won't be all right
Thing-Fish:
All right!
Ensemble:
Deliver string beans
To Utah tonight
Thing-Fish:
Yum-yum!
Ensemble:
Donnie 'n Marie
Can both take a bite
Thing-Fish:
Bite it, Marie!
Ensemble:
Hawaiian—Hawaiian—Hawaiian
Lunch
Thing-Fish:
Hawaiian lunch!
Ensemble:
No not now
(No no not now)
No not now
(No no no no not now)
No not now
(No no not now)
No not now
(No no no no not now)
Maybe later
Maybe later
She changed her mind
(She changed her mind)
She changed her mind
(You know she changed her mind)
She changed her mind
(She changed her mind)
She changed her mind
(You know she changed her mind)
And I don't blame her
And I don't blame her
She's sorta wild
(She wild, she wild)
She's sorta wild
(Really wild, really wild)
She's sorta wild
(She wild, she wild)
A crazy child
(Crazy child, crazy child)
Tonight—tonight—tonight
There she goes
Thing-Fish:
Ooooh! There she goes!
Ensemble:
Up and down
Thing-Fish:
Ooooh! Up and down!
Ensemble:
Ride that bull
Thing-Fish:
She's ridin' de bull!
Ensemble:
All around
Thing-Fish:
All around!
Ensemble:
The best in town
Thing-Fish:
She de best in town!
Ensemble:
Oh she goes
Thing-Fish:
She go up, she go down!
Ensemble:
Up and down
Thing-Fish:
I said up an' down!
Ensemble:
Oh that bull!
Thing-Fish:
De whole bull!
Ensemble:
The whole bull!
Thing-Fish:
De WHOLE BULL!
Ensemble:
The whole bull!
Thing-Fish:
De whole damn thing!
Ensemble:
The best in town
Thing-Fish:
Where she go? Ebzn-sauce!
Harry:
(to THING-FISH)
Anything you say, master! Take me, I'm yours!
Rhonda:
(Broadway-style fake singing)
Jingle bells, Jingle bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
To Chicago every day, oh . . .
Thing-Fish:
Oooh, lawd! Lookit you, boy! Chain thoo de nipples 'n evvy goddam thing! You a sick white muthafucker, ain'tcha?
Rhonda:
Bells on bob-tail ring,
Making spirits bright!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
To Chicago every night, oh . . .
Harry:
For Chrissake, RHONDA! Have you no SHAME?
Thing-Fish:
Y'all make up y'mind yet, 'bouts de MAMMY o' yo' dreams?
Harry:
You bet! It seems I've waited ALL MY LIFE for this moment! My heart is fluttering! If only I could submit myself on approval, for a limited time only . . . to . . . to that nasty little rubber MAMMY on your knee . . .
Thing-Fish:
SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X'? De mys'try SISTER? Y'all wants t'party hearty with de min'yature rubber MAMMY wit de string out de back? Yow! Dintcha get 'nuff 'buse fum de other bitch when y'was livin' in de card-bo'd hut?
Rhonda:
HARRY . . . HARRY . . . hey! HARRY! Fucking wor-r-r-mmmmmmmmmm! I want a DIVORCE, HARRY!
Harry:
Not now, dearest, PLEASE! This is serious! Little MAMMY, what'll it be? Hips or lips?
Rhonda:
You're a wor-r-r-r-mmmmmmm! A fucking WOR-R-R-R-M-M-M-M-MMMMMMMMMMM! These are my TITS, HARRY! I have TITS! Look! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY WONDERFUL TITS, YOU FUCKING WOR-R-R-R-R-MMMMMMMM! I'm going to pretend I'm SQUIRTING THEM ON YOU! Whoo! Wheeeee! ALMOST GOTCHA!
Harry:
Not now, RHONDA! Ow! Oof! Oh, I love this! Hurt me! Hurt me! Oh, pull my chain, you tiny potato-headed whatchamacallit!
Rhonda:
They're almost squirting, HARRY! Look! Look! Whoooooo! Whooooo! Whoooo! You fucking worm!
Thing-Fish:
OB'DEWLLA! Is y'awright? Don't be pullin' de boy's chain too hard dere! He gots 'nuthuh show t'do t'morrow! Don't put dat in yo' MOUF, girl! I knows y'cain hep y'seff wit dat crazy muthafucker 'busin' you like dat, but jes' hang on a lil' longuh . . . he be droppin' de wad putty soon now!
Rhonda:
(pinching her nipples, jiggling her tits)
Jingle bells, jingle bells . . .
Harry:
Oh! This is divine!
Rhonda:
This is my PUSSY, HARRY! Look! See it? You know what I'm gonna do with it, you worm? I'm gonna make it FUCK SOMETHING! That's right! You won't get any of it . . . because you're DISGUSTING! An' I don't need you, MR. FIRST-NIGHTER! My wonderful, wonderful pussy doesn't need you! I have my BRIEFCASE, HARRY! I'm going to FUCK MY BRIEFCASE! I'm going to . . . look! Look at this! I got it right over here! There! See it? My BIG, BROWN, BRIEFCASE! MY BRIEFCASE! It's BIG, HARRY! It's full of BUSINESS PAPERS . . . from MY CAREER!
I'm going to gonna put my GLASSES ON, HARRY! I'm going to gonna put my hair up in a BUN! Then, I'm going FUCK FUCK FUCK! Ha-ha-ha-hahhhhh! Look! See me? See how I got my hair up? Whooo! I'm REALLY DOING IT! Unngh! Unngh!
Harry:
RHONDA . . . have you no SHAME! Keep the briefcase closed, for chrissake! All your documents are falling out!
Rhonda:
(as over-sized file folders emerge)
Unngh! I'm GOOD! Oh God I'm good! Harder! Faster! Unngh! Unngh! This is TERRIFIC! Boy, I need it so bad . . .
Harry:
Those are the Warner Brothers files, aren't they dear? Don't you think there'll be some questions about the condition of the blue paper?
Thing-Fish:
Girl! Bes' be careful wit de latch!
Rhonda:
(with the handle in her mouth, semi-intelligible)
I'm sucking the handle now, HARRY! Look! Mmmmmm! It tastes GOOD! Mmmmmm! Mmmmmm! The handle! The handle!
Harry:
Hurt me, OB'DEWLLA! Make me whimper and beg for your tiny rubber love!
Rhonda:
I've got a fountain pen, HARRY! I've got a fountain pen with MY INITIALS on it! I'm putting it in my mouth, HARRY! I'm gonna get it wet! I'm gonna stuff it up my asshole and ride the briefcase again, you disgusting perverted bastard worm! I'm gonna do it! Look, HARRY! Whooo! Unngh! Unngh! God-damit, HARRY! Watch me! This is for your own good!
Brown Moses:
Oh-oh! Wait a minute!
What?
(singing)
What wickedness id dis?
De way you's carryin' on!
Dis pygmy I be clutchin'
Have been lef' out on de lawn!
De daddy were ne-GLIJ-ible,
De mama were de-FLATE-able,
De trauma to de imfunt
Be mostly not ne-GATE-able
Yo' urgin' to be exitin'
Because of dem fla-min-i-go's
Be thoroughly perplexin' him
Because of where yo' petuh goes
If only you been 'siderate
Erbout dis lil' illiterate
I wouldna been trudgin' cross de san'
Fum way down yonder in E-gyp-lan'
Dey callin' me BROWN MOSES,
Fo' dat id sho'ly what I am,
Ancient an' re-lij-er-mus
Solemn an' pres-tig-i-mus
Wisdom reekin' outa me
'Long wif summa dis baby pee
'Minds me of dem River Weeds
'N all dem ignint Bible deeds
Growed up in de Pharoah Pharaoh place,
Lef' de sucker in disgrace!
Some dem boys refuse to loin
Somthin' smokin': Somthin' boin!
Somethin' borry: Somethin' blue!
Best keeps a lil' paper
In yo shoe!
Hear me when I's tellin' you:
Leavin' de midgit were
WRONG T'DO!
It's a terr'ble thang, done did to him
Left wit de crab-grass
Over his chin!
Sho'ly one day he will grow,
'N put some shit
In yo' sack o' woe
OL' BROWN MOSES now have spoke!
Could ya lends me 'bout a dollar?
I's a tiny bit broke
I likes my wine
I loves my gin
'N fo a lil' collateral,
I'll gives ya HIM! A lil' collateral,
I'll gives ya HIM!
A lil' collateral,
I'll gives ya HIM!
I said a lil' collateral,
A lil' collateral,
A lil' collateral,
A lil' collateral,
A lil' collateral,
I'll gives ya HIM!
I'll gives ya HIM!
TAKE A POMPADOUR, BABY!
Evil Prince:
(mammified fake-Broadway singing)
What is happenin' to me!
An' also to de ol' zom-BIE
I used tum know?
Of c'ose dey
Once was so spectaculuhhh!
Now we be
Talkin' de vernaculuhhh!
Dis a strange kind o' reactium
To de pig we et befo'!
I's immune to de Re-ZEASE, I s'pose
Fum suckin' up de greeze
Fum de DUO-DEENUM dribblin's
Outa de pig befo'!
I can laugh 'n rub my chin
When MY re-ZEASE come rollin' in,
It's jes' like catchin' a second win'!
I feel so gay-y-y-y-y-y!
Some mights refer to me as SCUM,
'Cause where dey all be comin' from
(When de GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH rushin' down de plain)
Is underneef some ragg'dy dirt
In de suburbean out-skirt
Of ol' Manhattin',
Traffick pattin'
Near de GAY WHITE WAY!
I gets clammy, sayin' 'MAMMY'
I gets chills all up my spine!
I gets wistful,
Wit a fistful
Of ve-NE-she-um bline!
Jes' like tuggin' on de heart-strings!
Jes' like dem lil' ol' fallin' apart things,
Jes' like whatevuh dat is rotten, YESSIR!
We has sho'ly has not fo-gotten
HOW T'PRETEND TO SING!
Now, deys hope,
We ain't gwine die!
Only de suckers forced t'buy
Dem 'spensive tickets we be sellin' at de do'!
Now we got BROADWAY ZOMBIE MAMMYS!
We gots an' UGLY, UGLY O'PHAN ANNIE!
An' de traditium will go on, 'n on, 'n on
I loves t'see de, see de ZOMBIE fly! YESSIR!
It sorta makes me ya, makes ya wanna cry!
'Cause we is BROADWAY!
We's EXPENSIVE,
An' we can't,
I said we CAN'T . . .
CAN'T . . . NEVER
DIE!
CAN'T . . . NEVER
DIE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E! Yessir!
You're too kind!
Harry:
JESUS, that was terrific! I've never experienced anything quite like that in a theater before! How 'bout you, RHONDA?
Rhonda:
You're a worm, HARRY. Drop dead. God, you're disgusting! Don't touch me! YUCK! What is this scum on your chest? Did that little rubber MAMMY 'do something' on you?
Thing-Fish:
(alarmed)
OB'DEWLLA! You lil' vagrant! What you been up to wit de chump over deahh? Lemme see yo' draw's! Uh-HUHHHH! Jes' couldn't hep y'seff, could ya! Pheww! You best be washin' dat thang off, dahlin'! I knows we's sposed ta be un-DESTRUCTABLE, but what you got ripenin' down dere be puttin' us all to DE TEST! Yow!
Evil Prince:
(fake Broadway singing)
Pers'nally, dahlin',
I found de pre-formnence
Wit de brief-case
To be un-creedably stim-u-lat-nin'!
Rhonda:
Eat shit, you overbearing male chauvinist member of the scientific community!
Thing-Fish:
What a sweet lil' hunk o' heaven she growed up t'be! When she were deflateable, she dint say nothin' . . . jes kept her face open like dis . . . waitin' fo de salami dat never 'rived! Now she fuckin' de briefcase, dumpin' de paper all over de flo', hair up in a ugly ol' bun, fountain pen danglin' out her asshole, an' talkin' dirty to a member o' de ROYAL FAM'LY!
Girl! Dis cocksucker mights be EVIL, but he AM a PRINCE! Now he be talkin' de vernakluh, I's findin' it consid'rubly mo' cornvemient to indemnify wit his 'point-o-view!
Evil Prince:
Sho' nuff! Um-hmm! Yeah! You a WISE ol' MAMMY! Where you fum, 'rijnlyy?
Thing-Fish:
Why . . . uh . . . SAINT LOOMIS!
Evil Prince:
Goddam! I knew it! I knew it! I could jes' make it out from yo' renunciation! Sho' get hot down deahh in de summer time!
Thing-Fish:
DAT no lie . . . people be croakin' all over de fuckin' place! I sees y'all like dat sort o' thang . . . jedgin' fum yo' wa'd-robe, y'all be WELL INTO death 'n pestilence 'n shit! Prob'ly got yo-seff quite some 'spensive educashnin' goin' fo ya!
Evil Prince:
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Heh-heh! Saint Loomis! Damn! Some de ZOMBY-FOLK up de lab-mo-tory got kin deah!
Thing-Fish:
Naw! Really? Cain't be!
Evil Prince:
Oh hell yeah! De ugly dead muthafucker on de string deahh . . . he related to a buncha other ugly dead muthafuckers fum de East Side . . . 'n de curly-headed sho't lil' ugly dead muthafucker wit de dead dog been fuckin' de police commissioner!
Thing-Fish:
How you know so much 'bouts what gwine on down deahh, you EVIL COCKSUCKER! Y'all been stayin' quite well un-formed fum bein' in de lab-mo-tory most yo' time!
Evil Prince:
Jes' might distress yo ass to loin dat on de way home fum de SAN QUENTIM 'tater mashin' 'speriment, me 'n de country westin muzishnin's drop by de college to receive an honorary degree!
Thing-Fish:
You lyin', boy! Dey givin' degrees in 'TATER HUSBANDRY' back de ol' alma-motta!
Evil Prince:
Dat ALL dey givin' any mo'! Muthafuckin' 'TATER HUSBANDRY' be de wave o' de futchum in Saint Loomis! Graduatin' class were over 700, 'n evvy one of 'em dealin' wit dem 'taters like de shrimp-murderers down at Benny-Hanny's!
Thing-Fish:
(looking down at OB'DEWLLA)
What? Huh? You wanna what? OB'DEWLLA, de PRINCE jes' be shootin' de home-town shit heahh! He ain't gwine give us no mo' provlem! What you mean, girl? Okay, okay! Go 'head 'n fuck de lil' CRAB-GRASS BABY wit de enormous white pompadour! Go on deah. Git down wit yo' nasty lil' ol' degenerate seff!
Crab-Grass Baby:
One-Adam-Twelve . . . see the MAMMY . . . take me to the movies, buy me a balloon . . .
Thing-Fish:
Twist 'n shout! Work it on out ('n in)! Hmmm! Get down! Go on! Give him a little shoe! Dat's what Denny be doin' . . . work on Jumbo evvy time! Go on! Get de lil' pompadour up in de air agin! I like dat part!
Crab-Grass Baby:
Stroke me pompadour . . . That's better, I feel better now . . .
Thing-Fish:
Hmmm! Jes' like de Olympics!
Harry:
It's-it's fascinating the way things are resolving themselves around here! I-I never would have suspected anything like this when we came in!
Rhonda:
(climbing out the rubber body-suit)
Where are your real clothes, HARRY? Are you going back to Long Island like that?
Harry:
I have nothing to be ashamed of! I have a LOVELY body. Everyone will understand! I've ACCOMPLISHED something tonight! I really believe that! I've found a sort of fulfilment other men only DREAM about!
Rhonda:
(naked, re-stuffing the briefcase)
You've accomplished NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! You're a MERE WORM . . . less than that . . . you're a useless ALL-AMERICAN 'MAN-WORM'! The most disgusting creature on the face of the earth. Phooey on you! Worms like you would be NOTHING without ME and MY KIND! WE are THE FUTURE, HARRY! Not you! WE don't need YOU and YOUR KIND, because OUR KIND is THE BEST KIND!
MAN-KIND is SHIT, HARRY! OUR KIND will get rid of YOUR KIND, just like wiping off this fountain pen, HARRY! Smell it quick, you submissive little cocksucker, 'cause I'm wiping it off . . . any minute now!
THIS IS SYMBOLISM, HARRY! Really DEEP, INTENSE, THOUGHT-PROVOKING BROADWAY SYMBOLISM! THIS ISN'T 'DREAM GIRLS', HARRY! This is the way it REALLY IS . . . I'm talking to you, HARRY! WE HATE YOU! WE are MODERN, HARRY! You are not 'MODERN'! Worms are not MODERN!
While YOU became LAWYERS and ACCOUNTANTS, and read PLAYBOY and bought a pipe, WE PLANNED and DREAMED and FUCKED OUR BRIEFCASES while you weren't looking! Yes, HARRY! That's right! And we've actually been able to REPRODUCE OURSELVES THAT WAY . . . FOR YEARS, HARRY, but YOU NEVER KNEW! Did you? You worm.
We had SPECIAL ATOMIC GLASSES made . . . by WOMEN OPTOMETRISTS who promised NEVER to TELL!
We learned how to hide SECRET STUFF, wrapped up in the middle of those severe terminal BUNS we wear! Little TRANSMITTERS, HARRY! Little RECEIVERS! Oh . . . don't pretend to be surprised, HARRY! We even had ROOM LEFT OVER in there for all of our most favorite little embroidered delicate secretly feminine child-like helpless pathetic sentimental totally useless PERSONAL 'GIRL-THINGS' that smell like the stuff they put in the toilet paper.
You played GOLF! You watched FOOTBALL! You drank BEER! We EVOLVED! We only look like WANDAS and RHONDAS! We are SUPERB, HARRY! We are SUBLIME! We are perfect in EVERY WAY! And you? What are you? You are the all-American cocksucker . . . jizzing all over your leather cocksucker costume after beating the snot out of yourself with a rubber MAMMY!
I simply can't respect you, HARRY! You are NO GOOD. Go ahead! Smell the pen! Go on . . . I'm wiping it HARRY . . . there you go . . .
Not Really Harry's Voice:
ECUAS-NZBE?
Thing-Fish:
Whiff it, Boy! Whiff it good, now! MAMMIES, step forward 'n try t'git on down wit dem BROADWAY ZOMBIES! Dis de closin' numbuh, now! MOSES! Git yo' brown ass ovuh heah! Leave de Co-log-nuh alone fo' a minnit. Whyn'tcha go on 'n cornhole ya' some EVIL PRINCE! I B'lieve he done evolved to de point where he kin hannle it now!
See dat? Uh-huh! Look like he severely enjoyin' it awready! Sound like he enjoyin' it, too! Wuh-Oh! I smells trubba! Look like he got de eeyah-noosht! Ain't no two ways about it.
'Fo y'all departs, I jes' wish to say in conclusium, as matters o' dis gravity gen'rally require some type o' philosomical post-scription, dat what y'all have witnessed heah tonight were a TRUE-STORY—only de names o' de potatoes have been changed to protect de innocent.
GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH! DON'T BUY IT, PEOPLES!
Dis have been a public service ernouncemint. Wave good-night to de white folks, 'DEWLLA!
Rhonda:
This is SYMBOLISM, HARRY!
Harry:
. . . not the stuff that 'Freckles' lets out!
Rhonda:
This is SYMBOLISM! Really deep, intense, thought-provoking Broadway SYMBOLISM. Really Modern, HARRY . . .
Harry:
Take your hand off that chain, honey!
Rhonda:
Fuck that Fucked our briefcases . . .
Harry:
. . . not the briefcases . . .