[11.]

This town
This town
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the
Wrapper glued

We get a few in every tour
I think we've played this one before

This town
This town
Is a sealed
Tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for 40 cents a whack
It's just a place to play
To help us pay
The cost of the tickets
Back to L.A.

All the people in the sandwich town
Think the place is great
What if part of it's crumblin' down
Most 'o them prob'ly wont be 'roun
They'll either be dead
Or move to San Francisco
Where everybody thinks they're
Heavy business . . .
But it's just a tuna sandwich
From another catering service

This town
This town
Is a sealed
Tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
Sealed tuna sandwich
It's just another
Sealed tuna sandwich
In the rack
On your way
To gate 46-E

© 1970 Frank Zappa Music 

[7.]

I don't know too much about your stuff
I been a little busy
This won't take long . . . just a few questions
Could you tell me
Uhhhh
That guy over there . . .
Uhhhh
Is he . . .
Is he in your group or what?

When's your next record coming out?
How long you been growing your hair?
You been to England yet?
How'd they like your music over there?

Whaddya think of Yippies?
Howdya like the war?
You smoke dope or LSD?
There's only a couple more . . .

I wrote these out this morning
On the way to your hotel
I missed a cab 'n stomped my foot
My tape recorder fell

I'm not too good at writing down
So don't you talk too fast
I get uptight if I have to write
With Pop Star words
All whizzing past

Uhhhh
Where'd you buy your shoes?
Uhhhh

What's the latest action poop?
Who's the youngest in the group?
What's it like to play the road?
What's that bulge yer britches showed?
Would you ever date a fan?
Got any plans to play Japan?

Uhhhh
Where'd you buy your shoes?
Uhhhh
Where'd you buy your shoes?
Uhhhh
Who's your favorite group?
Uhhhh
Where'd you buy your shoes?

© 1970 Frank Zappa Music 

[10.]

Went on the road
For a month touring
What a drag
Y' gotta go
Even if y'd rather be at home
Flaked out in Hollywood
Drove to Inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit'n took a plane across the sea
Deedle-eedle-dee
La la la la
la la la la

© 1970 Frank Zappa Music

[3.]

My name is Burtram
I am a cowboy
All my friends
They call me Burt
All my fam'ly
From down in Texas
Make their livin'
Diggin' dirt

Come out here
To Californy
Just to meet
Some pretty girls
Ones I seen
Get me so horny
Ruby lips'n
Teeth like pearls

Wanna love 'em all
Wanna love 'em dearly
Wanna pretty girl
I'll even pay
I'd buy 'em furs
I'd buy 'em jewelry
I know they like me
Here's what I say:

CHORUS
I'm Lonesome Cowboy Burt
(Speakin' atcha)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt
(Reekin' atcha)
My Cowboy pants
My Cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here waitress
Yodel odel tee ay
Yodel odel tee ay
I'm Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Don't get my feelin's hurt
Come on in this place
And I'll buy you a taste
And you can sit on my face
Where's that waitress?

spoken:
Opal, you hot little bitch . . .

[4.]

(2)

I'm an awful nice guy
I sweat all day in the sun
I'm a roofer by trade
Quite a bundle I made
I'm a unionized roofin' old
Son of a gun

When I get off, I get plastered
I drink till I fall onna floor
Get me some communist bastard 'n
Stomp on his head till he don't move no more

I fuss an' I cuss an' I keep on drinkin'
Till my eyes puff up 'n turn red
I drool on m'shirt
I see if he's hurt
Then I kick him again
In the head

CHORUS

© 1970 Frank Zappa Music

[1.]

CHORUS:

Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep
Through the night
I'm up tight
With my
Penis dimension
Penis dimension

Do you worry a lot
'Cause you think what you got
Is not quite up to snuff

Do you worry and moan
That the size of your bone
Is not monstrous enough

It's your penis dimension
It's your penis dimension

CHORUS:

Is your hair falling out
Are your gums getting punky
Do they bleed when you brush

Does your mouth really stink
Do they know you'll be a junkie
When you piss, do you blush

It's your penis dimension
It's your penis dimension

spoken:

Now just be honest about it, friends & neighbors
Did you ever consider the possibility that
Your penis . . . and in the case of many dignified ladies
That size of the titties themselves
Might possibly provide elements of subconscious tension
Which effect our everyday lives . . . wierd twisted anxieties
That could force a person to become a politician . . .
A policeman . . . a Jesuit monk . . . a rock & roll singer . . .
A wino . . . you name it

(2)

Or, in the case of the ladies . . .
The ones who can't afford a silicon beef-up become
Writers of hot books . . . Carmelite nuns . . . or jockeys

There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer
Things are bad enough already without the size of your organs
Adding even more misery to the troubles of the world

If you're a lady with munchkin tits
You can console yourself with this old line from grammar school:
"Anything over a mouthful is wasted."

And if you're a guy and you're ashamed of your dick
And somebody hits on you one night in a casual conversation
And turns to you and says, "Eight inches or less?"
You just swivel right back around and say:
"What's between your legs is just the last few inches of a
complex mechanism which runs up 'n down the spinal cord 'n all
hooked up to the human brain . . . which, if used correctly,
can effectively increase the dimensions & firepower of your
dick to the point where, in some instances, it should be classified
as a lethal weapon."

EVERYBODY SING ALONG NOW!

CHORUS:

© 1970 Frank Zappa Music

Someday Soon
Someday
Someday Soon
Everything'll be okay
I talked to my accountant today
It made me very happy
When I heard him say
Someday Soon
Someday
Someday Soon

Three hundred thousand
Seven hundred and eighty four dollars
And fifty seven cents
Will be laid upon our group

It's merely just a fraction
Of the monetary action
That most likely has accrued
Since our lawyer went and sued

I'm sure the record company
Didn't really mean any harm
I'm sure that there was never
Really ever any need for alarm

The little guy in the white
Short sleeved shirt with the
Stinky cigar
At the Terra Haute pressing plant
Dumped an extra sixty thousand pressings
In the back of Shifty Louie's
New car
But what's a few un-accounted-for albums
Between friends
It never ends . . .
Pressing plants will always be leaky
The guy with the shirt will always be sneaky

Someday, Someday
Someday Soon
Someday, Someday
Someday Soon
Everything'll be okay
I talked to my accountant today

[]

The nice little men in the numbers department
Jiggle & juggle the totals of sales
On the singles and albums and posters and teasers
(I'm sure that these men are recruited from jails
Or from similar criminal training locations
Conveniently placed in the worst of our nation's
Geography

But can they be blamed for just doing their job?
When the guys in the legal department have said
There's hardly a chance that these rock & roll pukers
Will ever collect ten percent of their bread

Hey you, in the office
Hey you, on the phone
There's a wife and a kid
And a loan on my home
I sing for a living
I work on the road
And it gets me pissed off
When the figures I'm showed
Don't add up to a tenth
Of what really is owed
Take your adding machine
And go eat it

By the time I am through paying off all the guys
That I gotta employ to get paid for my work
(There's the lawyer, accountant, a manager too)
I might walk down the street and run into some jerk
He comes up and he says:

spoken:
Got any spare change?
Hey . . . aren't you?
Hey . . . you're . . .
Wow, man . . . I really dig your records!
Got any spare change?
You're rich . . . you can afford it!

It that ain't enough to just drive you berserk
It that ain't enough to just drive you to tears
It that ain't enough to just piss you right off
There's your contract which runs for another five years

[32.]

200 MOTELS
200 MOTELS
200 MOTELS

I'm stealing the towels

200 MOTELS
200 MOTELS
200 MOTELS

I'm stealing the ash tray

BAD SELF:

Listen, Jeff . . . why mess with the little stuff?
Why steal an ash tray? This is the revolution, Jeff!
THE REVOLUTION! POWER TO THE PEOPLE! It's groovy now
to rip off big stuff . . . you can tell everybody it
was a valid activist strategy! A meaningful political
tactic! Go on, Jeff . . . rip off the big stuff!

JEFF:

I hear and obey.

GOOD SELF:

No, Jeff! No No No! Don't do it! Don't listen to him!
He's no good, Jeff! You know what Wild Man Fischer says
about him, Jeff . . . don't sign with him, Jeff. His
attitude is fucked . . . even Jim Black's wife'll tell you that!

JEFF:

I'm stealing the Formica.

GOOD SELF:

He's the heat, Jeff . . . he's a Nark . . . he's CIA . . .
those little red horns & pointed tail & blue smoke in the
background . . . he rents it all from Western Costume!

JEFF:

I'm stealing the glass dealies from under the wheels of the bed.

BAD SELF:

You're wasting your time . . . those glass dealies are just
another exotic kind of ash tray. The Big Time, Jeff . . .
your picture on the cover of Rolling Stone! RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
Do it! Do it! You want Jerry Rubin & Abbie Hoffman to think
you're chicken shit?

GOOD SELF:

No, Jeff! No No No!

200 MOTELS
(I'm stealing the room)
200 MOTELS
(I'm stealing the room)

[14.]

She painted up her face
She sat before the mirror
She painted up her face
She drew the mirror nearer

Practississing
Practiss
Practising

The stare
The stare

The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear

Practississing
Practiss
Practising

Practississing
Practiss
Practising

--------------------------------

The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour
She finishes her call
Her girl friend's in the shower

Practississing
Practiss
Practising

Half a dozen provocative squats
Out of the shower she squeezes her spots
Brushes her teeth
And shoots a deodorant spray up her twot
It's getting her hot

She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off
A sad but typical case
Last dude to do her
Got in and got soft
She blew it and laughed in his face

--------------------------------

[15.]

She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

Well at least there's sort of a choice there
Twenty or thirty at times there have been
Somewhat desirable boys there
Dressed really spiffy, with long hair
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

(each member of the group is supposed to be talking to himself in front of the mirror in his motel room . . . Frank is narrating)

HOWARD:

Another night in this crummy town.

JEFF:

Another night with no action . . . what's the deal.

MARK:

Another night before we go to Minneapolis . . . then what?

FRANK:

All the guys in the group are getting ready to go out in search of some local hot action in a small Mid-Western town.

HOWARD:

I should have scored last night. There's always plenty of nooky after a concert . . . they just flock around the stage.

FRANK:

The Groupie phenomenon is world-wide. Girls who would rather ball musicians than anybody else can be found in any town in the world. They are available to just about any guy in any group . . . within the frame of certain qualifications.

MARK:

I wonder where the action is in this town? I shoulda scored last night at the concert, but Aynsley ripped off the chicks that me and Howard were hustling.

JEFF:

Aynsley ripped off the chick I was hustling last night. He got Mark & Howie's chicks too . . . son of a bitch had three of 'em . . . even borrowed the the battery out of Frank's wah-wah pedal for his vibrator.

FRANK:

He even borrowed my vibrator.

AYNSLEY:

The lads are pissed off with me today 'cause I got all their birds from last night . . . they don't know I still got the clap from New York and couldn't actually ball them . . . just vibrate them a bit or give them a little head now & then. I hope they don't find out . . . it'll spoil my reputation.

[]

FRANK:

The band is stuck in the town for an extra day after the concert. Tomorrow they fly out to Minneapolis. They've been on the road for three weeks. Everybody is horny.

HOWARD:

I coulda really scored last night . . . that chick had huge mammary protrusions . . . that Aynsley got there first . . . he's so fast . . . must be from playing the drums or something. If only those girls out there knew about my secret identity . . . but how could they? How could they know . . . that I am BWANA DIK!

AYNSLEY:

I've taken almost all the pills Dr. Manska gave me and the discharge has stopped . . . I should be about over it now. Better get myself ready to go out . . . haven't had a really decent piece for the last four days . . . where's my hair dryer . . . got to look lovely for the girls . . . it's all part of my Liverpool heritage. These girls are so lucky to get a chance to go out with me . . . after all . . . I am BWANA DIK!

IAN:

I'm tired of practising this guitar and being locked up in this plastic motel room. Even though I don't generally make a production out of it, tonight I think I'll go out and meet some young girls. I'm sure they'll like me . . . If they only knew my secret . . . they'd flock to me from everywhere. But how could they know . . . that I am BWANA DIK!

JEFF:

That Aynsley gets me so pissed off sometimes . . . he thinks he's some kind of Pop Star with that wasted Liverpool accent . . . all the girls go berserk over it though. He's so commercial I can't even stand it. I wouldn't have a chance to get any pussy at all after a show if it weren't for my secret identity . . . as soon as one of those chicks find out how cool I am, it's all over . . . none may resist the power of BWANA DIK!

GEORGE:

I don't know about these guys . . . I come from the Jazz World and we got some freaks in there . . . but travelling with this band it's nothing but one "What the?" after another. That Zappa is so perverted he cracks me up with the stuff he keeps making everybody do . . . it was different with Don Ellis . . . the only thing I had to worry about there was his drum solos. It's wierd going out on the road with these guys . . . I suppose they're all gonna go out lookin' for some pussy tonight. I might as well join 'em . . . I could use the exercise to work off a little tension the way Zappa's got me sittin' in the back, grindin' out all this simple-minded bullshit. I thought I was gonna get a chance to play some solos . . . instead he got me playing this dumb background part while all the other guys in the band pretend they're getting ready to go out hustling chicks. I wonder if they know . . . I am BWANA DIK!

[]

FRANK:

Each guy has his own little specialty for getting the girl of his dreams . . . just as each of the girls involved in this little game has her own secret talent. The name of this game is FRESH MEAT. The girls go out looking for it just as much as the boys do. This game is played outside of the rock & roll business by people in all walks of life . . . truck drivers, politicians, doctors, teachers, members of the clergy . . . everybody is into this game in one form or another. It just so happens that inside the rock & roll business the players, the rules & the scores are perhaps a bit more . . . exciting. Members of the clergy who play Fresh Meat are not so convincing when revealed as BWANA DIK.

HOWARD:

Let's see . . . I sprayed my pits, I put on a new tie-dye T-shirt, I brushed my teeth . . .

JEFF:

I did my hair . . .

MARK:

I cleaned my glasses . . .

IAN:

I buffed my finger nails . . .

AYNSLEY:

I left my shirt un-buttoned at the top .

GEORGE:

I bought a copy of Rolling Stone so I could carry it around and look like I knew what was happening . . .

FRANK:

I stuffed 3 pairs of socks and a bar of beauty soap down the front of my pants . . .

HOWARD:

I certainly am together . . . God, I'm a handsome devil! It's my Cossack blood. I just know I'm gonna get laid tonight! I'm not taking any chances . . I'm gonna go all the way . . . Aynsley won't stand a chance against THIS! It's a little jar of tinsel glitter . . . the same brand Danny Hutton puts on his face in The 3 Dog Night . . . makes him look like he's glistening & seductive under the blue lights . . . just slap a little on here . . . the cheeks . . . the chin . . . near the quivering lips . . . I am so commercial I could die! Quick! Somebody turn on a blue spotlight!

[23.]

What will this morning
Bring me this evening
What will this morning
Bring me this evening
Some local hot action
Before we are leaving

Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found
In the town
Your band been booked to play in

It's always a little bit
Harder to score
If it's just your first time in a town
You never hit before

If you played in it once and got laid
You got it made
Got it made
If it's just your first time
Then you know it's no fun
To go back to a plastic hotel all alone

Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Go to the club or the bar
Or wherever the pussy is found in the town

spoken:

NOBODY'S—New york, New York
PARADISO—Amsterdam, Netherlands
CLUB VOOM VOOX—Vienna, Austria
THE WHISKY A-GO-GO—Hollywood, California
MAX'S KANSAS CITY—N.Y.C.
BWANA DIK, MI TIJERA & THE NAVY CLUB—San Antonio, Texas

And last but not least, the swingin'est place in London, England, THE SPEAK EASY!

[24.]

HOWARD:

Hold it! What's a girl like you
doin' in a place like this?

MARK:

I left my place after midnight
I came to the club
Me and my partner came here
Lookin' for love

HOWARD:

You got the right place
Baby, this is it
The swingin' est place in London, England
No shit

--------------------------------

MARK:

How true that is

HOWARD:

How true indeed

MARK:

I come here all the time
To get the hot romance I need
We like to get it on
Do you like to get it on too?

HOWARD:

Well, what'd you have in mind?

MARK:

I get off from juked with a baby octopus
Or spewed upon with creamed corn
And my girl friend digs it with a hot 7-up quart bottle
While you scream "CORKS & SAFETIES! CORKS & SAFETIES!"

--------------------------------

JEFF:

Gets me so hot I could scream!

MARK:

CORKS & SAFETIES/CORKS & SAFETIES

JEFF:

Hey Heyyy, Wo Wo Wo!

MARK:

CORKS & SAFETIES/CORKS & SAFETIES

HOWARD:

Wow! Sounds like you two chicks are real far out & groovy
Ever been to a Holiday Inn?
Magic Fingers in the bed
Wall-mounted TV screen
Coffe-Host plugged in the bathroom wall
Formica's really keen

--------------------------------

[25.]

GROUP:

What kind of girl
Do you think we are
What kind of girl
Do you think we are
I'm not a Groupie
That is going too far
I wouldn't ball you
Just because you're a star

FRANK:

They won't let just anybody
Spew on their vital parts
They only want a guy from a group
With a single in the charts

--------------------------------

HOWARD:

Funny you should mention it
Our new hit single made the charts this week
With a bullet
With a bullet
Just let me put a little tinsel glitter
On my face right now
And you can tell me how
A young girl such as you might be
Thrilled & overwhelmed
By me

MARK:

What Holiday Inn you staying at?

HOWARD:

Wanna leave right away?

MARK:

Not so fast you silly boy
There's one more thing to say

--------------------------------

GROUP:

We wanna guy from a group
Got a thang in the charts
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
We will give him our hearts

--------------------------------

HOWARD:

Well why didn't you say so before?
I got the thing you need
I am the main man
In the monster dick catalogue
I am endowed beyond your wildest
Clearasil-spattered fantasies
Girls from around the world
Write my name on the walls of the toilet
At the Whisky A-Go-Go
I am Bwana Dik

[26.]

My dick is a monster
Gimme your heart

Bwana Dik is a legend
Enormous thou art

My dick is a Harley
You kick it to start

Bwana Dik speaks
The heavens will part

My dick is a dagger
I'll force it to fit
My dick is a reamer
To steam up your slit

STEAM IT!
STEAM IT!
REAM IT!
CREAM IT!

spoken:

You can hear the steam
You can hear the screaming steam
As the reamer steams up the lake
To the snake in the black velvet crystal
Steaming hot black
Screaming irridescent
Screaming naugahyde python steam roller

Hear the steam
Feel the steam
See the steam
Heal the screaming
Hot black steaming
Naugahyde irridescent
Screaming python
Steam roller

ALL GROUPIES MUST BOW DOWN
IN THE SACRED PRESENCE
OF THE LATEX SOLAR BEEF

[27.]

spoken:

The steam is coming out
The steam is coming out
The steam is coming coming coming
Steaming
Reaming
Creaming
Screaming!

LISTEN! The steam is whistlin'

She's such a dignified lady
She's so pretty and soft
You can't call her a groupie
It just pisses her off
She got diamonds and jewelry
She got lotsa new clothes
She ain't hurtin' for money
So that everyone knows

That she knows what she wants
And she knows what she likes
And Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Look out
She got her eyes on you

She left her place after midnight
And she drove to the club
You know that her and her partner
Came here lookin' for love
They want a guy from a group
That got a thing in a charts
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

Cause they know what they want
And they know what they got
And Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Look out
They got their eyes on you

Now they spotted a dude
At the end of the bar
They go up and say HI
And ask if he has a car
He says he don't
They say they do
They say let's get it on
'Bout a half of a minute
And you know they are gone

Cause he got what they want
And he knows what they like
And Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
All right
You got 'em screamin' all night

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy etc. fade

© 1970 Frank Zappa Music

[29.]

MARK:

You like my new car?

HOWARD:

It's real cool. You know how to get to the Holiday Inn?

MARK:

Which one you staying at?

HOWARD:

The one by the airport. We gotta get up early and fly out in the morning.

MARK:

Where do you play tomorrow?

HOWARD:

Minneapolis.

MARK:

Oooh, you're so professional . . . the way you travel to exotic places! You really got a hit single in the charts with a bullet?

HOWARD:

Would I lie to you just to get in your pants?

MARK:

Don't talk to me that way! I'm not a Groupie . . . and neither is my girl friend.

JEFF:

No shit, Howie . . . we just like musicians for friends.

HOWARD:

But you told me you got off with a baby octopus & some cream corn & a hot 7-Up bottle . . . what's the deal?

MARK:

Sure that's all true . . . sometimes I even get off on a Jack-In-The-Box ring job, but we don't want you to think we're Groupies.

HOWARD:

But I want some action. I want a steaming succulent orifice with a teen-age girl attatched to it. I thought we were gonna get it on.

MARK:

I been looking for a guy from a group with a dick which is a monster.

HOWARD:

That's me. Take me I'm yours. Fulfill my wildest dreams.

MARK:

Of course, my precious most seductive pop star of a man . . . anything you want . . . bead jobs, knotted nylons, bamboo canes, ice cubes, Mazola Oil and/or a portable electric pony harness, air cooled . . . all this and more . . .

HOWARD:

I'm ready! I'm ready now! Give it to me! Now! Now! Right here in the car! Gimme the pony harness!

MARK:

Only if you'll sing me your hit single with the bullet first.

HOWARD:

What?

[30.]

MARK:

I can't come unless you sing me your hit . . . you gotta sing the bullet too.

HOWARD:

The bullet?

MARK:

The bullet . . . the bullet is the part that gets me the hottest.

SEGUE INTO HAPPY TOGETHER

Ooh, the way you love me, lady
I get so hard now
I could die

Ooh, the way you love me, sugar
I get so hard now
I could die

Open up y'pocket book
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby
Red balloons
Just pop behind my eyes

Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl
Red balloons
Just pop behind my eyes

Open up y'pocket book
Get another quarter out
Drop it in the meter, mama
Try me on for size

Oooh, Ooooh, Oooo-Oooo-Oooh
You got the kind of love that lingers
Oooh, Ooooh, Oooo-Oooo-Oooh
This here bed got Magic Fingers

We been rollin' in the bed
Since the show got out
Now I'm gettin' weak in the knees

We musta did it eighty/ninety times
(Mighta been a hundred)
But you're the kinda girl that I really wanna please

[]

MARK:

Do you really wanna please me?

HOWARD:

You know I do!

MARK:

Tell me why you do it, I really wanna know.

HOWARD:

It wouldn't be right for me to tell you tonight.

MARK:

Tell me right away, or I'll dress up and go.

HOWARD:

Don't get mad . . . it ain't no big thing.

MARK:

Tell me right away. Don't treat me cold.

HOWARD:

Well . . . there's a lot of reasons why I'd bring a girl like you back to a plastic hotel and rip you off for spare change to run a vibrating machine attached to a queen-sized bulk-purchase kapok-infested do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty-of-law-type bed . . .

And make you take off all your little clothes, even down to your chrome with heavy-duty rawhide thong Peace Medallion till you were stark raving nude . . .

And force you to assume a series of marginally
erotic poses involving a plastic chair and some old
guitar strap while I pissed in your hair
and beat you with a pair
of tennis shoes I got from Jeff Beck
soundly about the tits & buttocks
also in the cookie
with a cold wet face towel
twirled & compact
to make it go snappy
when I pop it up you

And all the time recording your whimpers & grunts
on my Sony cassette machine
so all the other guys in the band
can get off on it in the bus tomorrow

MARK:

Of course . . . that's all very true . . . but why do you do it?

HOWARD:

Well . . . our group has a reputation to uphold. We don't want anybody to think we're square . . . or normal. But, if you don't mind me asking, why do you submit to this sort of treatment? Do you really get off on any of this?

[]

MARK:

Well . . . I must confess . . . the amount of gratification a girl such as myself might gain from having her hair pissed upon while bent over a plastic chair in a state of guitar strap bondage is somewhat minimal . . . remember, I told you before I got off from being juked with a baby octopus and spewed upon with creamed corn . . .

HOWARD:

Yeah . . . and your hare-lip girl friend, Jeff, digs it with a hot 7-Up bottle while somebody screams, "Corks & Safeties."

MARK:

Right . . . and even though the tennis shoes you been smashing me on the tits & buttocks with once belonged to Jeff Beck, it's still not a baby octopus . . . you know what I mean?

HOWARD:

You mean . . . you aren't enjoying any of this?

MARK:

I miss the creamed corn . . . end even though you sang me your new hit single with the bullet . . . there's still something missing.

HOWARD:

But we got this vibrating bed here . . . that's sort of erotic . . . and my dick is a monster . . . you know that.

MARK:

Oh don't think I'm not grateful . . . I mean, it will be very impressive when I tell all my girl friends tomorrow about how I balled Bwana Dik. Everybody at school will respect me & think I'm real neat.

HOWARD:

I can see how they would . . . you know I'm outa site.

MARK:

Yeah . . . I just won't tell 'em that you couldn't make me come.

HOWARD:

What?

MARK:

I been faking the grunts so you wouldn't feel bad . . . I didn't wanna put you on a bummer. I know you gotta fly out early in the morning to Minneapolis.

HOWARD:

What's the deal? This has never happened to Bwana Dik before! Girls from around the world die to write my name on the bathroom wall of the Whisky A-Go-Go . . . I'm outa site!

MARK:

Well . . . it's not your fault. A baby octopus is hard to find at 2:00 in the morning in a small Mid-Western town. Even creamed corn is a special order item. I can't hold you responsible.

[]

HOWARD:

Listen, I'm Bwana Dik . . . everybody comes when I get ahold of 'em . . . my dick is a monster & I'm outa site. How can you best a combination like that? With another jar of tinsel glitter, I could rule the world.

MARK:

If only we were in Seattle at that motel on the water . . . you know . . . the one where you can fish out the window. The one where the Led Zeppelin & The Vanilla Fudge stay. It'd be easy to get a baby octopus . . . even a mud shark. I get hot just thinking about it! Those tentacles . . . ooooh.

HOWARD:

I don't get it . . . listen, girl, you're gonna get your rocks off tonight before I pack up, or they'll find only your mutilated torso with a chrome Peace medallion in the morning! I can't get no creamed corn or octopusses . . . room service in these places always shuts down too early. Gimme another quarter for the Magic Fingers and lay down.

MARK:

Well . . . it might work if . . . if . . .

HOWARD:

If what?

MARK:

I might be able to come without the octopus . . . if you tell me you love me.

HOWARD:

What? That's going too far!

MARK:

You can do it . . . you're Bwana Dik . . . you can do anything! You're out site . . . besides, everybody'll know it's only pretend . . . nobody ever really means it when they say it. It's just like shaking hands or something . . . the Revolution has changed everything you know . . . acid . . . you know.

HOWARD:

That's sickening! Would you do it?

MARK:

You want me to tell you that I love you?

HOWARD:

Yeah . . . go on!

[31.]

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight
(If things go all right)

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight
(Will she be outa sight)

What will this evening
Bring me this morning
What will this evening
Bring me this morning

A succulent fat one?
A Mod little flat one?
Maybe a hot one
To give me the clap
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap

What will I say
The next day
To whatever I drag
To my hotel tonight
(If things go all right)

[34.]

I work all day
At a real dull job
Just t'make a few bucks
To get loaded on the weekend

I work all day
At a real dull job
Just t'make a few bucks
To get loaded on the weekend

To buy some Beatle records
And The Led Zeppelin
A bunch of jivey clothes
And a car to cruise around in

spoken:

Bring the band on down behind me boys . . .
Lemme tell you people
One time I came home
I walked in the door
I looked around for my old lady
She's hot
She's a real hot girl
Real groovy & everything
We been shackin' up for three weeks
Just like paradise

Doot Doot Doot
Doo-wow
Par-o-dise now
Doot Doot Doot
Doo-wow

spoken:

Well, I'm a little late getting' home, you see
I stopped to get a bunch of beer
On my way home from the airport
That's where I work, you see
I'm a customs inspector at the airport
Eight hours a day
Me & my specially trained
Semi-vicious dog
Checkin' all the rock & roll creeps & dope fiends
T'see if they're try'na sneak any mind-expanding chemicals
Or stuff like that
Into our great nation

Doot Doot Doot
Doo-wow
Par-o-dise now
Doot Doot Doot
Doo-wow

[35.]

(2)

spoken:

This dog I got that works with me down there
Is real outa site
The government trained him & a bunch more
To go totally ape-shit from the smell of marijuana
Or especially hash
Fuckin' dog goes berserk over hash
That's that stuff them English rock & roll guys get off on
If my dog (Babbette we call her)
If Babbette smells any hash
She goes gnarlin' right in there
Chews on the suitcase or duffle bag or whatever
With a fury known only to other dogs who have been trained
To eat a big suitcase
(There was a picture of one of 'em in last month's Life Magazine

Anyway
The minute I see Babbette
Gnarlin' on a suitcase
I push a secret button under the bench
So Fred & Charlie come over and drag the sonofabitch away
Black card & all

If you get a black card when you're
Goin' through Customs
The guy at the bench makes out a paper on you
Another one tries
To look at your eyes
While the undercover dudes
All watch what you do

Doot Doot Doot
Doo-wow
Par-o-dise now
Doot Doot Doot
Doo-wow

Doot Doot Doot
Doo-wow
Par-o-dise now
Doot Doot Doot
Doo-wow

I work all day
At a real dull job
Just t'make a few bucks
To get loaded on the weekend

[36.]

(3)

spoken:

So I get home, see
I got the beer & I'm lookin' all around the house
For my fine old lady
Her name is Sharleena
Spells it S-H-A-R-L-E-E-N-A
It's sort of an Okie-type name
I known her for ten years
Ever since high school
When she used to work on the year book
She was so fine & smart
Could spell good & everything
I been secretly in love with her for long as I can remember
I didn't care if she had an Okie name
Her tits were real big
With angora
A mint green angora sweater on
Gives me a boner even to reflect on it
(That's why I like The Led Zeppelin . . .
Gives me a boner too . . . some of their songs
Are even about getting' boners)

So I get home, see
I got the beer & I got a boner
But my Sharleena . . .
Who I just work up the nerve three weeks ago
To ask her to shack up with me . . .
After ten years of secret, hot, beating off,
Anonymous love . . .
I get home
And Sharleena is gone
She is nowhere around . . .

And even though I'm a strong man . . .
Even though I work for
The Government
I broke down
And cried . . .

© 1970 Frank Zappa Music

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena
Don't you know

I called up all my babies friends
And ask'num
Where she done went
But nobody round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

I'm cryin'
I'm cryin'
Cryin' for Sharleena
Don't you see

I called up all my babies friends
And ask'num
Where she done went
But nobody round here seems to know
Where my Sharleena's been
Where my Sharleena's been

Ten long years I been love'nuh
Ten long years and I thought deep down in my heart
She was mine
Ten long years I been love'nuh
Ten long years I would call her my baby and now
I'm always cryin'

But I would be so delighted
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

Well I would be so delighted
I would be so delighted
If they would just
Send her on home to me

[37.]

spoken:

I commence to worry, Ladies & Gentlemen
I pace the floor
I smoke 27 packages of Lucky Strike Cigarettes
I keep 'em rolled up in the sleeve of my
Aqua blue stretch T-shirt
That I always put on when I get home
Because I never know when I'm gonna want to
Go out & work on my car
I'm a compulsive person
Who gets off on cars . . .
Also dirty fingernails attract a special kind of girl,
Mostly the kind I like . . .
And the one girl I like the best
Who just craves dirty fingernails

My Sharleena

Is gone from me . . .
My mind is in a fever

Oh where has she gone
Where did my baby go
Where has she went to
People, I don't know
Somehow
I know that she'll return
Meanwhile
My heart will ever burn

Doot Doot Doo-Dip
I need her lovin' now
Doot Doot Doo-Dip
We made a lovers vow
Doot Doot Doo-Dip
She'd never do me wrong
Doot Doot Doo-Dip
But she's been gone so long

spoken:

I been home forty-five minutes alone
An' it seems like eternity

Where has she gone
Where did my baby go
Where has she went to
People, I don't know
I got to find out
I'm goin' crazy now
Where she has went to
And bring her home somehow

[38.]

(2)

So I whipped out my Ouija Board
I threw it into motion
I whipped out that Ouija Board
To check my girl's devotion

I called on the Ouija Board:
"Tell me what you know!"
To find where my old lady
Had the nerve to go

spoken:

I grabbed on to the Ouija Board dealie
I knew it was supposed to work better with two people workin' it
But I was desperate . . .
Love can make you desperate, Ladies & Gentlemen
And I was almost out of cigarettes
The beer was gone already
My T-Shirt sleeve was limp & horribly stretched
From stuffin' new packs in it . . .

SUDDENLY

The Ouija Board started moving
Spelling out some secret message
Chills ran down my spine

R-E-D
T-H-R-O-B-B-E-R

Red Throbber
Red Throbber
Red Throbber
Red Throbber

spoken:

It was all clear to me now
I knew my baby had done
The one thing that might drive us apart forever
I knew she had run away
To a Led Zeppelin orgy at The Chateau Marmont
I knew she was down there
Getting' flogged & eroticized

I passed out
All sweaty, with a broken heart
And in my delirious stupor
I dreamed of . . .

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE IN A DREAM:

The Red Throbber, Ladies & Gentlemen
A huge high-impact styrene vibrator
Powered by a 400 hour
24 volt waterproof
Brass-studded black naugahyde
Battery strap: $37.98 with case

[39.]

(3)

spoken:

I could see my baby
Sprawled helplessly
On the floor of a Marmont Bungalow
Standing over her
In a pair of exotic python boots
And no shirt or underwear
With a real boss 3 day L.A. tan
With the big battery belt
With wires coming out all over it
Hooked to the end of the red plastic dork
With a motor in it
And the carrying case on the dresser
By Sharleena's angora sweater & rumpled brassiere
I could see
A gorgeous & kinky English Pop Star

(instrumental fill)

In my dream
The Vanilla Fudge comes in
They got a nine pound mud shark
With a motor in it
Embalmed in a munchkin plastic bath tub
Floating in a solution of equal parts
Liquid detergent & cheap wine
They keep it like that
To remind them of Seattle

(instrumental fill)

In my dream
The word is out at The Whisky A-Go-Go
Pop Stars from Famous Groups
And some wives and hot girlfriends
That nobody even knows about
All leave the club by separate exits
And make their way to the Marmont Bungalow
For a special game of cards
That only a few people know about

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE IN DREAM:

Is our studio audience ready?
Let's play YOU BET YOUR ASS.
The rules of the game are simple . . .
Take a deck of cards and play any game you like . . . poker, blackjack, anything. Instead of playing for money, what you win is TIME from your opponent. You win his or her time, during which the other person MUST do anything you tell them to do, no matter how . . . imaginative it might be. Are we ready in the bungalow?

[40.]

(4)

spoken:

Famous people from the rock & roll business
Waited in line to get into the bungalow
Discussing the origins
Of the muffled screams
Which occasionally drifted out . . .
Inside my naked Sharleena was losing heavily at black jack
By 10:30 she had lost over 65 hours
To be delivered into the hands of
All those communist dope fiend guitar players
And faggot singers with a high voice
Every one of 'em with an enormous boner
Plus some other pieces of perverted equipment
And big tongues

(instrumental/orchestral/dance number with colored lights & fog machine)

I woke up in a terrible sweat
God only knows how long I been sleeping
My heart was completely tore up
I was in a misery only a very few of you
Could really know
The worst part about it . . .
The sun was up & I had to go to work
Back to the airport
T'help our government catch creeps and dope fiends
With nothing to help me
Except my disarming wit
Penetrating intellectual ability
And my wonder dog: Babbette

(instrumental bridge)

I arrived at the airport & put on my uniform
I took my place behind the bench
Even though I knew deep down
I was unfit for this
Or any other job
Because I was so crazy . . .
Love will make your mind go wild, Ladies & Gentlemen
I went in the back for a minute
I wanted to take a leak
But for some strange reason, I brought my faithful dog, Babbette
I was so lonely . . .
I looked around & locked the door to the Government Property Toilet
That was when I fell in love with Babbette . . .

© 1970 Frank Zappa Music

[41.]

Don't tell me
No Babbette
Don't you tear my dream
Don't you break my heart
Darling we can share a love
So Fine
Please Babbette
Say you will be mine

Don't tell me
No Babbette
Can't you see that I
Don't wanna make you cry
You're my only love like this
Before
Please Babbette
It's you I adore

Oh I want you
Really Really want you
I need your love to guide my way
Oh how I need you
Really Really need you
Don't try to bark
And I'll take you to the park

No No No Babbette
Share my love
Don't make me cry
Don't make me cry
No No No Babbette
Hear my plea
Don't say good-bye
Don't say good-bye

No No No Babbette
Share my love
Don't make me cry
Don't make me cry
No No No Babbette
Hear my plea
Don't say good-bye
Don't say good-bye

© 1970 Frank Zappa Music