You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore Vol. 4

disc 1

1. Little Rubber Girl

FZ: Thank you! OK, sit down. Some more raw, unbridled buffoonery for you and yours, during this festive holiday season.

A year ago today
Was when you went away
But now you come back knockin' on my door
And you say you're back to stay,
But I say . . .

I don't need you (I don't need you)
I don't want you (I don't want you)
I don't need you (oh, you treat me so bad, baby)
I don't love you (oh, you treat me like a piece of shit)
I don't need you (oh, you know that's not it)
I don't want you
I can't use you (gotta get a rubber girl)
I Need a rubber girl (rubber girl)
Send me up a little rubber girl (y'know I can put it in the back)
I got a rubber girl (got I get one with a 69 dollar battery pack)
Here comes my rubber girl (my the little rubber girl)
A little rubber girl (she loves to do anything I want)
Little rubber girl (my little rubber girl)
My little rubber girl (I pull the string and she do anything)
I know she loves me (I can put it in the back)
I know she loves me (I can put it in the front crack)
I Know she loves me (I can push her tonsils down her throat)
I know she loves me (and make that bitch scream like a goat)
I never have no trouble with my rubber girl (I love to bend her over and ram it all the way in)
I never have any trouble with my the little rubber girl (and then go back and do it again)
I never have no trouble with the little rubber girl (y'know you treated me like shit)
I never have no trouble with the little rubber girl (Ahhohh, that's why I'll never find me a ladyI never fucked you, baby)
I love my little rubber girl (my little rubber girl)
I never have no trouble with my little rubber girl (she's a lonely the only girl)
I never have no trouble with my little rubber girl (I just pull the string and she pumps up fastdon't talk back)
And she dances great! (she likes to put it in the back)
(I don't need you) (I gotta my kind of girl)
Little rubber girl (y'know I fuck you every day)
Run-nnn-nn-nnn-rubber-girl (and you treat me like shit)
Run-nnn-nn-nnn-nn-nnn-rubber-girl (fuck you bitch I'm gonna rape)
Run-nnn-nn-nnn-nn-nnn-nn-nnn-little-rubber-girl (my little rubber girl)
Run-nnn-nn-nnn-nn-nnn-nn-nnn-little-rubber-girl (little rubber girl)
Little rubber girl (oh my little rubber girl, rubber girl)
Little rubber girl (oh my little rubber girl)
Little rubber girl (hey my little rubber girl)
(I don't need you) (is this the right time as to 69 dollars'll put you in heaven baby)
You know . . .
Me and my rubber girl
(You must admit you're . . . baby)
We get along really swell, we never argue
Three holes, no waiting

2. Stick Together

This is a song about the union, friends
How they fucked you over and the way they bends
The rules to suit a special few
And you gets pooched every time they do

You know we gotta stick together
(People we gotta stick together)
You know we gotta stick together
(PeopleYou know we gotta stick together)
You know we gotta stick together
(People we gotta stick together)
You know we gotta stick together
(PeopleYou know we gotta stick together)

Once upon a time the idea was good
If only they'd a done what they said they would
It ain't no better, they's makin' it worse
The labor movement's got the Mafia curse

You know we gotta stick together
(People we gotta stick together)
You know we gotta stick together
(PeopleYou know we gotta stick together)
You know we gotta stick together
(People we gotta stick together)
You know we gotta stick together
(PeopleYou know we gotta stick together)

Don't be no fool, don't be no dope
Common sense is your only hope
When the union tells you it's time to strike
Tell the motherfucker to take a hike

(Oh, yeah) You know we gotta stick together
(People we gotta stick together)
You know we gotta stick together
(PeopleYou know we gotta stick together)
You know we gotta stick together
(People we gotta stick together)
You know we gotta stick together
(PeopleYou know we gotta stick to . . . )

3. My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama

You know, your mama and your daddy
Saying I'm no good to for you
They call me dirty from the alley
Till I don't know what to do
I get so tired of sneakin' around
Just to get to your back door
I crawled past the garbage and
Your mama jumped out, screamin'
"Don't come back no more"
I can't take it
My guitar wants to kill your mama
My guitar wants to kill your mama
My guitar wants to burn your dad
I get real mean when it makes me mad

Later I tried to call you
Your mama told me you weren't there
(You just weren't there)
She told me don't bother to call again
Unless I cut off all my hair
I get so tired of sneakin' around
Just to get to your back door
I crawled past the garbage and
Your mama jumped out, screamin'
"Don't come back no more"
I can't take it
My guitar wants to kill your mama
My guitar wants to kill your mama
My guitar wants to burn your dad
I get real mean when it makes me mad

Later I tried to call you
Your mama told me you weren't there
(You just weren't there)
She told me don't bother to call again
Unless I cut off all my hair
I get so tired of sneakin' around
Just to get to your back door
I crawled past the garbage and
Your mama jumped out, screamin'
"Don't come back no more"
I can't take it
My guitar wants to kill your mama
My guitar wants to kill your mama
My guitar wants to burn your dad
I get real mean when it makes me mad

4. Willie The Pimp

I'm a little pimp with my hair gassed back
A pair a khaki pants with and my shoe shined black

I got a little lady . . . walk she walks the street
Tellin' all the boys that she cain't be beat

She can't be beat, she can't be beat
She's so sweet
She knows You know she can't be beat
She can't be beat, she can't be beat
She's so sweet
She knows You know she can't be beat

A twenny dollah bill (I can set you straight)
Meet me onna corner boy 'n don't be late

Man in a suit with a bow-tie neck
Wanna buy a grunt Tryna buy some pussy with a third party check

A third party check, a third party check
He's tryna buy some pussy
With a third party check
A third party check, a third party check
He's tryna buy some pussy
With a third party check

Standin' onna porch of the Lido Hotel
Floozies in the lobby love the way I sell:
HOT MEAT
HOT RATS
HOT CATS
HOT ZITZ
HOT MEAT
HOT FEET
HOT RATS
HOT CATS

5. Montana

I might be movin' to Montana soon
Just to raise me up a crop of
Dental Floss

Raisin' it up
Waxen it down
In a little white box
That I can sell uptown

By myself I wouldn't
Have no boss,
But I'd be raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss

Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss
Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss

Well I just might grow me some bees
But I'd leave the sweet stuff
To somebody else . . . (how 'bout you there?)
But then, on the other hand I would

Keep the wax
'N melt it down
Pluck some the Floss
'N swish it aroun'

I'd have me a crop
An' it'd be on top (that's why I'm movin' to Montana)

Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a Dental Floss tycoon (yes I am)
I'm movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a mennil-toss flykune (look out!)

I'm pluckin' the ol'
Dennil Floss
That's growin' on the prairie
Pluckin' the floss!
I plucked all day an' all nite an' all
Afternoon . . .

Oh, I'm ridin' a small tiny hoss
(His name is MIGHTY LITTLE)
He's a good hoss
Even though
He's a bit dinky to strap a big saddle or
Blanket on anyway
He's a bit dinky to strap a big saddle or
Blanket on anyway
Any way

I'm pluckin' the ol'
Dennil Floss
Even if you think it is a little silly, folks
I don't care if you think it's silly, folks
I don't care if you think it's silly, folks

I'm gonna find me a horse (uh-huh?)
Just about this big (yes sir)
An' ride him that sucker all along the border line

With a
A pair of heavy-duty
Zircon-encrusted tweezers in my hand
Every other wrangler would say
I was mighty grand

By myself I wouldn't
Have no boss,
But I'd be raisin' my that lonely
Dental Floss

Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss
(Hopla!)
Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss

Well I might
Ride along the border
With my tweezers gleamin'
In the moon-lighty night

And then I'dI would Get a cuppa cawfee
'N give my foot a push . . .
Just me 'n the pygmy pony
Over the Dennil Floss Bush

'N then I might just sorta
Jump back on
An' ride
Like a cowboydipshit
Into the dawn to Montana

Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) (Oh . . . )
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) (I'm . . . )
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)

6. Brown Moses

What wickedness id dis?
De way you's carryin' on!
Dis pygmy I be been clutchin'
Have been lef' out on de lawn!

De daddy were ne-GLIJ-ible,
De mama were de-FLATE-able,
De trauma to de imfunt
Be mostly not ne-GATE-able

Yo' urgin' to be exitin'
Because of dem fla-min-i-go's
Be thoroughly perplexin' him
Because of where yo' petuh goes

If only you been 'siderate
Erbout dis lil' illiterate
I wouldna been trudgin' cross de san'
Fum way down yonder in E-gyp-lan'

Dey callin' me BROWN MOSES,
Fo' dat id sho'ly what I am,
Ancient an' re-lij-er-mus
Solemn an' pres-tig-i-mus

Wisdom reekin' outa me
'Long wif summa dis baby pee
'Minds me of dem River Weeds
'N all dem ignint Bible deeds

Growed up in de Pharaoh place,
Lef' de sucker in disgrace!
Some dem boys refuse to loin
Somthin' smokin': Somthin' boin!

Somethin' borry: Somethin' blue!
Best keeps a lil' paper
In yo shoe!
Hear me when I's tellin' you:
Leavin' de midgit were
WRONG T'DO!

It's a terr'ble thang, done did to him
Left wit de crab-grass
Over his chin!

Sho'ly one day he will grow,
'N put some shit
In yo' sack o' woe

OL' BROWN MOSES now have spoke!
Could ya lends lend me 'bout a dollar?
I's a tiny bit broke

I likes my wine
I loves my gin
'N fo a lil' collateral,
I'll gives ya HIM!
A lil' collateral,
I'll gives ya HIM!
A lil' collateral,
I'll gives ya HIM!
I said For a lil' collateral,
(A lil' collateral)
A lil' collateral,
(A lil' collateral)
A lil' collateral,
(A lil' collateral)
A lil' collateral,
For a lil' collateral
I'll gives ya you HIM!
(I'll gives ya HIM! you . . . )
TAKE A POMPADOUR, BABY!

7. The Evil Prince

Ike: Well well well, now, dis de nasty sucker dat be respondable fo de en-whiffment o' de origumal potium. Now, in his infinate respondable party personage personaged as de Evil Prince THE EVIL PRINCE, and through de magik o' stage-kraft of course, we's about to see what gwine on in his magikal conjurance up of his little lil' cauldrom of o' doom! Now check it on out now . . .

Somewhere, over there, I can tell, (I guess so)
There's a voice of
A potato-headed whatchamacallit (Whoo, do tell!)
Who does not wish me well!

His clothes are quite stupid,
And also his shoes! (Ain't no bussiness biznis like show businessbiznis)
He's got a big ol' duck-mouth!
(Who knows how he chews!)

He thinks he knows something
About THE GREAT PLAN!
How ULTIMATE BLANDNESS
Must RULE and COMMAND

He knows not a drop,
Not a crumb,
Not a whit,
Of the reason for doing
This criminal shit
And then, if he did,
Would it matter a bit?
Not at all!
Because IT IS WRIT:

Our BEIGE-BLANDISH GOD
Tends to CERTIFY IT:

"Only the boring and bland shall survive!
Only the lamest of lameness will thrive!"
Take it or leave it, you won't be alive,
If you are overtly CREATIVE!

Fairies and faggots and queers are
'CREATIVE'
All the best music on Broadway is
'NATIVE'

Who will step forward
And end all this trouble?
For beige-blandish citizens,
Clutching the rubble
Of vanishing dreams
Of wimpish amusement,
Replaced by a rash
Of 'CREATIVE' confusement!

Soon, my brave Zombies,
You'll make your return!
Broadway will glow!
Broadway will burn!
(Along with the remnants of
EVERYTHING NEW)
My HOLY DISEASE will do
Wonders for you!
Those lovely producers
Who paid for you 'then'
Will do it again, and again, and again!

The spying potato (the spying potato!)
With horrible diction (and that terrible diction!)
Will rot in the garbage (I can smell it right now!)
When this show's eviction
Takes place shortly after
My alternate skill
Of THEATRICAL SABOTAGE
Triumphs YOUR will!

I've a special review
(Yes I know you really do)
I've been saving for years
(Yes I know you really have)
For a show just like this,
(For a really stupid show)
With POTATOES and QUEERS

I'll say it's disgusting, atrocious, and dull
I'll say it makes boils inside of your skull
I'll say it's the worst-of-the-worst of the year,
No wind down the plain, and it's hard on your ear
I'll say it's the work of an infantile mind
I'll say that it's tasteless, and that you will find
A better excuse to spend money or time
At a Tupper-Ware Party,
So, do be a smarty!
Hold on to that dollar
A little while longer
For spending it here,
Why, it couldn't be wronger!

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO BROADWAY?
WHERE'S IT GONE, ALL THE GLITTER?
THE 'HEART' AND THE 'SOUL'
THE PATTER?
THE PITTER?

And after this deadly review hits the paper,
In will come ROPER, BENDER & RAPER,
To legally execute exercute all that remains
Of this tragic amusement for drug-addled brains
Drug-addled brains!

Hold on to that g-string
A little while longer
For spending bending it here,
Why, it couldn't be wronger!

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO BROADWAY?
WHERE'S IT GONE, ALL THE GLITTER?
THE 'HEART' AND 'SOUL'
THE PATTER?
THE PITTER?

And after this deadly review hits the paper,
In will come ROPER, BENDER & RAPER,
To legally execute all that remains
Of this tragic amusement for drug-addled brains
Hey hey, hey hey, hey hey, brai-hains . . .

8. Approximate

Heinz, Heinz
Make food
AH . . . OH . . . EH . . . AH . . . (Heinz!)

Dagmar, din-dinding-dingdin-din!

Stayin' alive

Ha ha ha haAh ah ah ah

There's a '39 Buick blocking the driveway

9. Love Of My Life Mudd Club Version

FZ: Thank you!

Love of my life, I love you so
Love of my life, don't ever go
I love you only
Love, love of my life
(Love of my life)

Stars in the sky
They never lie
Tell me you need me
Don't say goodbye
I love you only
Love, love of my life

Stars in the sky
They never lie
Tell me you need me
Don't say goodbye
I love you darling
I love you only
Don't ever leave me
Don't make me lonely

Love of my life
I love you so
Love of my life
Don't ever go
I love you only
Love, love of my life
(My love, love of my life)
(Love of my life)
Love of my life
(My love, love of my life)
(Love of my life)
Love of my life
Love of my life
Love of my life
Love of my . . .

10. Let's Move To Cleveland Solos (1984)

FZ: Archie Shepp, ladies and gentlemen.

11. You Call That Music?

 

12. Pound For A Brown Solos (1978)

Crowd: Frank Zappa! . . . Zappa! . . . Frank Zappa! . . . ZAPPA! . . . Zappa! Hey!
Tommy: Why can't you feel it? I'm feelin' it!

13. The Black Page (1984)

 

14. Take Me Out To The Ball Game

Ike: Awright, welcome, and good evening to the baseball game. I'm Skip CareyCaray, and I'm with Keith Pete Van Weiren (?) Wieren for another game between the Atlanta Braves and the Chicago Cubs. The braves Braves are featuring another outstanding cast.

(ARF!)

Ike: We got a wonderful cast of characters here. He's a home run interim RBA hitter and RBI leader for the year, what do you think?

Walt: Well uh, I don't know what the problem is with uh, these Braves this year, they've uh, they've really been having trouble with one run games, on Sundays for some reason. I don't know what it is, what do you think?

(WOOH!)

Ike: Well Pete eh . . . uh, the Dodgers had it last, that problem last year, and uh, lot of one run games uh, specially on Sundays, and, well they suddenly you see how they ended up uhhhh . . . last in the league. Uhhhh . . . coming over here, Zane Smith is pitchin' pitching today and I hear he's got good stuff.

Walt: Well actually I think the main problem is eh uh, the rookiesRockies rookies uh, the rookies Rockies rookies have just not be coming through. They haven't been able to handle that curve ball. Seems to me like they really don't go got over that.

Ike: Oh here he goes again. Smash foul! He Doesn't look Dawson up to the plate.

"That goes for your little dog, too!"

Walt: He really gets a hold of that one, it's gone. Yes, Elvis has left the building!

An' "That goes for your little dog, too!"
An' "That goes for your little dog, too!"

Ike: Move away for the seventh inning stretch after theeeeee . . . game

"That goes for your little dog, too!"
"That goes for your little dog, too!"

They're singing.
He swung on it and 'n missed
Smash foul!
(WOOH!)
Fans getting out of here in a hurry.
The player steps out up to the plate.
(ARF!)
Take me out to the game.
Uh, you can buy me some peanuts and crackerjackscrackerjack.
I don't care if he never gets back.
Swung on it and 'n missed . . .

15. Filthy Habits

 

16. The Torture Never Stops Original Version

Flies all green 'n buzzin' in his dungeon of despair
Prisoners grumble and piss their they clothes and scratch their matted hair
A tiny light from a window hole a hundred yards away
Is That all they ever get to know about 'bout the regular life in the day;
'Bout the regular life in the day

Slime 'n rot 'n rats 'n snot, vomit on the floor
Fifty ugly soldiers, man, holdin' spears by the iron door
An' it Stinks so bad, the stones been are chokin'
'N Weepin' greenish drops
In the room den where the giant fire puffer workswoik
'N the torture torchum never stops, talkin'
The tortureTorchum never stops, talkin'
The tortureTorchum never stops
The tortureTorchum never stops.

Flies all green 'n buzzin' in his dungeon of despair
An evil prince eats a steamin' pig in a tumbers right near there
In a chamber the chambers right near there
He eats the snouts 'n the trotters first
The loins 'n the groins is soon are then dispersed
His carvin' style is well rehearsed
He stands and shouts
All men be cursedcoist
All men be cursedcoist
All men be cursedcoist
All men be cursedcoist
And disagree, well no-one durst
He's He the best of course of all the worstwoist
Best of course of all the woist

He stinks so bad, his bones stones been chokin'
Weepin' greenish drops,
In the night of the iron sausageIn the room where the iron maiden,
'N the torture torchum never stops, talkin'
The tortureTorchum never stops
The tortureTorchum never stops, talkin'
The tortureTorchum never stops.

Flies all green 'n buzzin' in his dungeon of despair
Who are all those people that he's locked shut away down there
Are they crazy?
Are they sainted?
Are they zeros heroes someone painted?
Someone painted
Are they -isms later ornated
Once they come they have been tainted
Once they come they have been tainted

It has Never been explained since at first it was created
But a dungeon like a sinand his its kin
Requires naught but lockin' in
Of everything any anything that's ever been
Could be a her but its prob'ly a him
Could be a her but its prob'ly a him
That's It's what's the deal we're dealing in
That's It's what's the deal we're dealing in

An' he stinks thinks so bad it's hurt
To the pearl and the piles of blast
Any dungeon have a trailer
Were the torture torchum never stops, torturetalkin' now Torture Torchum never stops
Torture Torchum never stops, talkin' to you
Torture Torchum never stops.

disc 2

1. Church Chat

You know today the church is in a terrible state. The bucks just aren't rollin' in like they used to. And when the bucks don't come in, the church comes up with a NEW GIMMICK to make you SPEND to GO TO HEAVEN. Now I know you don't know what I'm talking about, but WHAT THE FUCK. But anyway, listen to this ladies and gentlemen, when the church wants to get your money they remind you about HELL.
(Whoo-hoo-hoo-HA-HA)
If you commit a sin you're gonna go to hell.
(Oui-oui)
Well let me give you an example, this boy over here;
(Tell 'em about it Brother Zappa.)
Sometimes people say: That if you FUCK somebody
(Oh lord)
It's a sin,
(Oui-oui)
This may or may not be true.
(Testify)
This boy not only fucked somebody with his organ, but he also fucked a girl with a GUITAR,
(Woo-hoo)
With an UMBRELLA,
(Oui oui)
With a ZUCHINNI,
(Testify) (Oui)
With a SHOE,
(Oui)
With an ENEMA BAG . . .
(Ha ha!)
What else did you do?
(A vibrato bar.)
A VIBRATO BAR! Some people would say this is a SIN. And if you SIN you're gonna go to HELL. Well ladies and gentlemen: There ain't no hell.
(Oui)
There is no such thing as hell.
(Oui)
There is no hell,
(Oui) (Oui)
There is only FRANCE!
(Oui, oui!)

2. Stevie's Spanking

His name is Stevie Vai,
And he's a crazy guy
Last November, I recall,
He needed a spanking

He decided then
A female specimen
Would be exciting for a night
To give him a spanking

Laurel was her name
She came to Notre Dame
He told me just the other day
He oughta be thanking
Her for the spanking

She was large and soft
And Then she beat him off
Made him drool upon his dork
And gave it a wanking
After the spanking

Hair brush!
(Ah Oh . . . what a hair brush!)
Oh! What a hair brush!
(It's not that he requires grooming!
Guys with light blue hair never do!)

Then she did exclaim:
"There's another game
That we can play with this device,
And then a banana!"

It was slightly green
Vapors in between
Rising up to fill the room
And cook the banana

She said it was dry
"Stevie won't you try
To drool a little drool on it
And grease the banana"

Later in the dawn,
Laurel carried on
She got right up and dressed herself and
Ate the banana

3. Outside Now

These executives have plooked the fuck out of me
And there's still a long time to go before I've
Paid my debt to society
And all I ever really wanted to do was
Play the guitar 'n bend the string like
Reent-toont-teent-toont-teent-toont-teenooneenoonee

I've got it
I'll be sullen and withdrawn
I'll dwindle off into the twilight realm
Of my own secret thoughts
I'll lay on my back here 'til dawn
In a semi-catatonic state
And dream of guitar notes
That would irritate
An executive kinda guy . . .

Well, I guess that one did the trick
If they only coulda heard it
Half-a-dozen of 'em woulda strangled
While they was suckin' on each other's dick
Yeah, but that was only a bunch of imaginary
Notes I played
Just a little extra somethin'
To keep me goin' from day to day
But that's okay
I'll be gettin' outta here pretty soon
Then I won't have to live
In this ugly fuckin' room
I can't wait to see what it's like
On the outside now . . .
'N I can't wait to see what it's like
On the outside now . . . Now listen here
I can't wait to see what it's like
On the outside now . . . I mean it!
I can't wait to see what it's like
On the outside now . . .

'N outside now . . .
Outside now, yeah
Outside now
Outside now . . . yeah

I can't wait to see what it's like
On the outside now . . . Outside now!
I can't wait to see what it's like
On the outside now . . .
I can't wait to see what it's like
On the outside now . . .

FZ: One, two, three, four!

4. Disco Boy

Fruit!

Disco Boy
Run to the toilet, honey,
Comb your hair

Disco Boy
Pucker yer liplips,
'N check yer shouldershoulders,
'Cause some dandruff might be
Hidin' there!

Disco Boy,
You're the DISCO KING!
Aw, the Disco-Thing
Made you think
Someday,
That you
Just might GO SOMEWHERE!

Disco Girl!
You're 'out-a-site'!
You need a Disco Boy
To treat you right
He'll do a little dance;
Take you home tonight
(Leave his hair alone,
But you can kiss his comb)

Disco Boy!
Run to the toilet boyhoney,
'N Comb your hair

Disco Boy!
Shake it more than three times 'n yer playin' with it
(WOW!)
While yer standin' there!

Disco Boy!
Do the Bump every night, 'til the Disco Girl
Who's REALLY RIGHT
Gonna fall for yer line,
'N feed you a box fulla
Chicken Delight!

Well . . . Disco chit-chat; so demure!
Pump that booty all across the floor!
A disco drink
A disco wink
"You never go doody!"
(That's what you think)
"You never go doody!"
(That's what you think)
"You never go doody!"
(That's what you think)

Doody
You never go doody
Doody
You never go doody
(Go on, take your teeth out, girl!)

Disco Boy!
You got one more chance
To comb your hair again

Disco Boy!
They're closin' the bar,
And she's leavin' with your friend!

Disco Boy,
That's the way it goes,
So wipe your nose,
'N try it again,
To get a little pussy tomorrow!

Disco Boy,
No one understands,
But thank THE LORD
That you still got hands
To help you do that jerkin' that'll
Blot out yer Disco Sorrow!

It's Disco Love tonight
Make sure you look all right
It's Disco Love tonight
Make sure you look all right

5. Teen-age Wind

I got to be free
Free as the wind
Free is the way
I got to be

Maybe I'm lost
Maybe I've sinned
I got to be
Totally free

Our parents don't love us
Our teachers they say
Things that are boring
So we're running away
And we will be free
And people will see
That when we are free
That's the way we should be

(WE MUST BE FREE!)
(WE MUST BE FREE AS THE WIND)
(WE WERE FREE, WELL, WHEN WE WERE BORN!)
(WE WERE BORN FREE, BUT, NOW WE ARE NOT FREE ANYMORE!)

BUT WE WANNA BE FREE
AN' WE'RE GONNA BE FREE
SO WE WANNA BE FREE
AN' WE'RE GONNA BE FREE

. . . did you know that
FREE IS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR NOTHING
OR DO NOTHING
WE WANT TO BE FREE
FREE AS THE WIND

FREE IS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR NOTHING
OR DO NOTHING
WE WANT TO BE FREE
FREE AS THE WIND

FREE IS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR NOTHING
OR DO NOTHING
WE WANT TO BE FREE
FREE AS THE WIND

FREE IS WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR NOTHING
OR DO NOTHING
WE WANNA . . . YEAH
WE WANNA . . . YEAH
WE WANNA . . . YEAH
WE WANNA BE FREE
WE'RE GONNA . . . YEAH
WE'RE GONNA . . . YEAH
WE'RE GONNA . . . YEAH
WE'RE GONNA BE FREE
WE GOTTA . . . YEAH
WE GOTTA . . . YEAH
WE GOTTA . . . YEAH
WE GOTTA BE FREE
WE GOTTA . . . YEAH
WE GOTTA . . . YEAH
WE GOTTA . . . YEAH
WE GOTTA BE FREE
WE GOTTA . . . GOTTA
GOTTA . . . GOTTA
GOTTA BE FREE
GOTTA BE FREE
GOTTA BE FREE
YEAH YEAH
WE GOTTA . . . GOTTA
GOTTA . . . GOTTA
GOTTA BE FREE
GOTTA BE FREE
GOTTA BE FREE
YEAH YEAH
WE GOTTA . . . GOTTA
GOTTA . . . GOTTA
GOTTA BE FREE
GOTTA BE FREE
GOTTA BE FREE
YEAH YEAH
WE GOTTA . . . GOTTA
GOTTA . . . GOTTA
GOTTA BE FREE
GOTTA BE FREE
GOTTA BE FREE

6. Truck Driver Divorce

Truck driver divorce!
It's very sad
(Steel guitars
Usually weep all over it)

The bold & intelligent
MASTERS BLASTERS OF THE ROAD,
With their Secret Language,
And their GIANT
OVER-SIZED
MECHANICAL
TRANS-CONTINENTAL
HOBBY-HORSE!

Truck driver divorce!
It's very sad!
Oh the wife!
Oh the kids!
Oh the waitress!
Oh the drive all night!

Sometimes when you come home
Some ugly lookin' son-of-a-bitch
Is trying' to pooch yer
HOME-TOWN SWEETHEART!

Oh, go ride the bull!
YesAw, go ride the bull!
Make it go up 'n down
'N when you fall off,
You can eat the mattress!

TRUCK DRIVER DIVORCE!
IT'S VERY SAD!
Bust yer ass
To deliver some string beans, (Oh, yes!)
Deliver some string beans,
Deliver a whole bunch of string beans,
To
UTAH!

7. Florentine Pogen

Ah-oh-oh-oh ah-oh-oh-oh ah-oh-oh-oh oh-oh

La-la la-la la-la la-la
La-la la-la la-la

She was the daughter of a wealthy
Florentine Pogen
Read 'em 'n weep
Was her adjustable slogan

She was a debutante daisy
With a color-note organ
Deep in the street
She drove a '59 Morgan

WOO-LAH!

That's the kinda step she takes
When her hot breaks hot brake . . .
That's the kinda sound she makes
(ooh, let go uh . . . )
When her crab cakes

She didn't like it when her fan belt
Shrunk & got shorter
(Ointment)
Battery leaks could nearly cost her a quarter

She didn't want to go home
An' watch the pestle go mortar
Later she speaks
On how Perellis might court her

La-la-la, la-la-ooh
La-la-la, la-la-ooh
La-la-la, la-la-ooh
La-la-la, la-la-ooh

She was the daughter
Ah-ah-ahhh
Of a wealthy
Florentine Pogen
Po-oh-wo-oh-oh
Po-oh-wo-oh-oh
Po-oh-wo-oh-oh
Ga-ya-ee-annnn

Read 'em 'n weep
(Take a booger home with you to)
Read 'em 'n weep
(Take a booger home with you to)
Read 'em 'n weep

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
Ah-ooh-ah-ooh-ah-ooh-ah-HAH
Ah-ooh-ah-ooh-ah-ooh-ah-HAH

Butzis, Butzis, Butzis . . .
Chester's go-rilla
She go oink
Chester's go-rilla
She go quack
Chester's go-rilla
She go mooUUHH
Chester's go-rilla
She go

8. Tiny Sick Tears

You know sometimes in the middle in of the night
You get to feeling uptight
And wish you were feelin' alright
And you know you're white
And you ain't got no soul
And there's no one with a hole nearby
And therefore in your teen-age madness and delirium
You toss and turn in your sweaty little grey teen-age sheets
In that little room with the psychedelic posters
And the red bulb
And the incense
And your bead collection
And your country song round up roundup Country Song Roundup books
And you cry your tiny sick tears
Tiny sick tears
Tiny sick tears
You know you gotto gotto gotto gotto
You've gotta find some relief from the terrible,
From the terrible ache that's that is clutching right at your heart
Because it's hurting you to your heart
And your you're crying tiny sick tears
And you have to go downstairs
Out of your bedroom
Out into the hall
Down to the living room
To Through the living room
To the kitchen
To the cookie jar
Where you wanna get your cookies
And you take the top off the cookie jar
And you stick your tiny sick hand in the cookie jar
And you reach around in the cookie jar
To find a raisin cookie
A spongy one, with the little plump raisins
A little tactile sensation for your tiny sick fingers
Squeeze the raisin on the cookie
Pull the cookie out of the jar
Stuff the raisin into your eating hole
Push it all the way in your eating hole
Now make your eating hole wrap itself around the tiny sick cookie
Scarve Scarf the cookie
Put the lid back on the jar
Go over to the ice box
Open the ice box
Pull out the box of milk
Open the box of milk
Into a triangular beak like that
Pull the little triangular beak up to your drinking hole
Up to your hole
Pour the white fluid from the drinking box into your hole
Close the beak
Reinsert the box into the ice box
Close the box door
Walk out of the kitchen
Through the living room
Back up the stairs
Past your sisters sister's room
Past your brothers brother's room
You take a mask from the ancient hallway
Make it down to your father's room
And you walk in
And your father, your tiny sick father
Is beating his meat to a Playboy magazine
He's got it rolled into a tube
And he's got his tiny sick pud stuffed in the middle of it
Right flat up against the centerfold
There he is, your father with a tiny sick erection
And you walk in and you say:
"Father, I want to kill you"
And he says: "Not now, son, not now!"

HANDS UP!
OOOO LAAAAPOOO-LAAAH!

FZ: I know that it's so hard to stop playing this soul music, you know, cause it really . . . For one thing it's really easy, and for another thing, it wastes a lot of time while we're on stage. We We've learned in our travels that teenagers are ready to accept these two chords no matter how they're played. (Isn't it?) It makes you feel secure, 'cause you know that after, "did de dit de didde," the other one is gonna come on. It Would never failsfail, simple . . . Some people would say it's bullshit, but we love it, don't we kids? Meanwhile . . .

9. Smell My Beard

FZ: Now the sound that you hear in the background right now, is the sound caused by George Duke, agitating two metal insignias. These are badges that he removed from a coupla couple of boogers that Marty tried to palm off on him in the last town that we're, we were— that he we was in. Actually they're booger pasties and he's hitting the, the booger pasty with a little stick to get a very interesting musical effect. You know, he does this every night, and sometimes he becomes so overwrought, so excited by the fact that he's actually touching a piece of metal that might have at one time come in contact with the actual flesh of a booger bear.
George: Ooh, Lord, have mercy . . .
FZ: And so sometimes he misses it, and he hits his thumb and he hurts hisselfhimself . . . Yes, it hurts very much, but much. But he likes pain. We can tell that he likes pain because he's in this group.
George: But, but, it's very close to other things . . .
FZ: Yes, but later that night after George was finished fondling the booger pasty, a thought came to his mind: "How, how can I possibly get any nook tonight in (pasege ?) Passaic if I don't put this thing down and play the piano and get funky for these people." And so, George, as you say in your language, took it away!
George: But before we get funky, the continuing stories of . . .
Napoleon: Boogie-The-Bay!
Mother:
Moontrick . . . Moon Trek!
Napoleon: Ha ha ha!
George: The . . . No, this ain't moontrick Moon Trek this time, we go to moontrick Moon Trek next show. This is the continuing stories of the boogers of Marty Perellis. Do you all know who he is? There he is. He's He got a white shirt on an' a . . .
FZ: Your two-hunderd two hundred and fifty closest relatives, the Mothers of Invention!
George: Yes. Anyway, he it was in my room. I invited some people over. Young ladies. They looked interesting. Their names shall go unmentioned.
FZ: The reason they looked interesting is because they apparently were intelligent enough to dress themselves.
George: Anyway, what was happening was . . . nothing. Ha ha, wasn't nothing happening, ha! So I said:, "Let's get this party on the road." I said:, "Lemme call the road manager." I said: "What's your name? Mighty Marty Perellis, come down here and meet Miss Cool, Miss Dew Jew & Miss eh . . .
Napoleon: Stool!
George:
Miss Stool.
Napoleon: Ha ha ha ha!
George:
So we, so Marty got in there and he was there about five minutes and all of a sudden I began to hear other things. I said:, "What you doing over there?" I said:, "I ain't never heard nobody do that king kind of thing before." I said: "Come out of that corner, what's corner. What's wrong with you?" And so he comissed commenced it. We were all askingkinda— Jeff said:, "MenMan, what you're you doing over there?" And all it was . . . FZ: Really whipping it, just whipping it into a frenzy.
George: All of a sudden he was gone! I look looked around and Marty had took the booger out of his room. I said: "Where you going?" He went down to his room, which was room 33. An hour later I went to his room. I knocked on his door. I said:, "What you doin'?" He said . . . I said:, "Say that again . . . " I said:, "Ho ho." It was late. We had an eight o'clock wake upwake-up. You all know what that is. Eight o'clock wake upwake-up! Eight o'clock wake upwake-up! Eight o'clock wake upwake-up! Eight o'clock wake upwake-up! Eight o'clock wake upwake-up! Eight o'clock wake upwake-up! AAHRRRR . . . So Marty came out in the hall and looked in the pool at Napoleon and he said, can I say this? He said:, "Smell my beard."
Napoleon: Ha ha ha ha ha ha . . .
George:
I said:, "You must be crazy." Ahhh . . . ha ha!
Napoleon: I had to smell it . . . ah ha ha!
George: Show how y'was walking, Marty. And he said:, "Smell my beard." I said:, "I ain't gonna smell nothing," Napoleon said:, "I'll . . . "
Napoleon: Check it out, I told youthat, her I'd check it out, out and make sure . . .
George: Anyway if you wanna hear what happened the rest of the night . . .
Napoleon: You know what it smell smelled like . . .
FZ: Marty's odor.
George: Come to the next show for the continuing stories of . . .
Napoleon: Marty's odor
George: Marty's trickMarty Trek. But for now we go to . . .
Napoleon: Marty's odor

10. The Booger Man

(White juice on his beard)
Well the Booger Man
(White juice on his beard)
Get down
(White juice on his beard)
Well, the Booger Man
(White juice on his beard)
In my room
(White juice on his beard)
Look at the booger
(White juice on his beard)
An' then he was gone
(White juice on his beard)
Wait three hours
(White juice on his beard)
Didn't sing no song
(White juice on his beard)
I said: What you're doing
None of your biz
Said: What you're doing
He said: None of your biz
(His pants were sticking through to his leg)
Oh! Talkin' Talk about the Booger Man
(His pants were sticking through to his leg)
Right over there
(His pants were sticking through to his leg)
Oh Lord! The Booger Man
(His pants were sticking through to his leg)
Had a bearbeard
(His pants were sticking through to his leg)
Lord! The Booger Man
(Wonder why)
They ate after six
(Wonder why)
I said: What you're doing
(Wonder why)
With you ole your ol' tricks
(Wonder why)
Oh Lord! The Booger Man
(His pants were sticking through his leg)
In my room
(His pants were sticking through his leg)
Damn little Him an' booger
(White Stuff on his beard)
Till my nine noon
(White stuff on his beard)
What you're doing
(White cream on his beard)
In my bed
(White cream on his beard)
With that booger
(His pants were sticking through his leg)
Instead
(His pants were sticking through his leg)
Of somebody findfine
(Smell my beard)
Fine, fine
(Is what he said)
Somebody findfine
(Smell my beard)
find, findFine, fine
(Is what he said)
Somebody findfine
(Smell my beard)
find, findFine, fine
(Is what he said)
Somebody fine
(Sho Sure was good)
Fine, fine
(Sure was fine)
Somebody made me make you do this

The Booger Man
Get on down
Look at the Booger Man
Had a crown
On his head now
Cleaned his shoes
In his bed now
Playin' the blues
Oh yeah
Well
Ah, Lord

George: You know . . . personally I ain't got nothing against no boogers y'know, every now and then, you know, it's . . .
FZ: Yes, just listen to George all you boogers in the audience. This is George's plea.
George: But see, you, what you have to remember is that uh, in the final analysis, a booger to one is not a booger to all, heh heh . . . Ain't that right? AIN'T THAT RIGHT?
FZ: THAT'S RIGHT!
George: AIN'T THAT RIGHT? Please, get down Ruth . . .
Napoleon: As Chester would say: A booger is in the eye of the beholder
George: Sure is . . .

11. Carolina Hard Core Ecstasy

I coulda swore her hair was made of rayon
She wore a Milton Bradley Crayon
But she was something I could lay on
Can't remember what became of me . . .
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy

She put a Doobie Brothers tape on
(Ooh-ooh-ooh, listen to the music)
I had a Roger Daltrey cape on
(Ooh-ooh-ooh, a Roger Daltrey cape on)
There was a bed I dumped her shape on
Can't remember what became of me . . .
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy

Somewhat later on
I woke up and she was gone
There was dew out on the lawn
In the sunrise
Later she came back
With a rumpled paper sack
Which she told me would contain
A surprise

She stuck her hand right in it to the bottom
Said she knew I'd be surprised she got 'em
Take a Charleston pimp to spot 'em
Then she gave a pair of shoes to me . . .
Plastic leather, 14 triple D

I said: "I wonder what's the shoes for?"
She told me: "Don't you worry no more!"
And got right down there on the tile floor
Now Darling STOMP ALL OVER ME! . . .
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy

Is this something new
Having people stomp on you?
Is it what I need to do
For your pleasure?
(And other things)
"What is this, a quiz?
Don't you worry what it is
It is merely just a moment
I can treasure . . . "

(You know . . . )

By ten o'clock her arms and legs were rendered
She couldn't talk 'cause her mouth had been extendered
Looked to me as though she had been blendered
But was this abject misery?
No! No!
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy!
Well . . .

But was this abject misery?
No! No!
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy!

It might seem strange to Herb and Dee—
Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy!

12. Are You Upset?

Mother: Ah-ah-hah, yeah!

PooweeePOO-AHHHHHH . . .

Guy In The Audience: Stop that . . . !
FZ: Ssh . . . ssh . . .
Mother:
Heavy business, man
FZ: Are you upset? . . . Say it again
Guy In The Audience: FUCK YOU!
FZ: What?
Guy In The Audience: Fuck youYOU'RE FUCKED!!
FZ: I'm fucked? That's the nicest thing anybody's said to me all day . . .

13. Little Girl Of Mine

Oh little girl of mine
Gee, but you sure look fine
Yes, you appeal to me
I'll never set you free
'Cause you mineyou're my loving baby
You belong to me
That's the way it was meant to be, oh!

Oh little girl stay cool
That's all I ask of you
Be mine and mine alone
Call me on the telephone
'Cause you're mine my loving baby
You belong to me
That's the way it was meant to be, oh!

Oh baby now I know
I love you so
I never -I'll never, never let you go
I need your love oh so much
I feel thrill to your touch

Oh little girl stay cool
That's all I ask of you
Be mine and mine alone
Call me on the telephone
Be mine my lovin' baby till the end of time
I can't seem to get you off my mind
Oh baby . . . Oh sugar . . . Oh darling . . .
Oh lover . . . Oh baby . . . Oh sugar

14. The Closer You Are

The closer you are
(Yes, ma'm)
The brighter the stars in the sky
(No, we'll do it straight)
And darling,
I realize
That you're the one in my life
(It's gonna be hard though)
Oh oh

My heart skips a beat
(See what I mean?)
Every time
You and I meet
My life, my love, my dear
I can't defeat
This yearning deep in my heart
To have only you

When I first saw you,
I did adore you,
And all your loving ways
(Your loving . . . ways)
But then you went away,
But now you're back to stay, hey-hey
And my love for you grows stronger every
Day-ahhh Way-ahhh Way Ooh

The closer you are,
The brighter the flames in my heart,
And darling,
We'll never part
We'll always be in love
We'll always be in lust . . .

15. Johnny Darling

And she said
Johnny Darlin'
(WahAh-ah-ah hoo-oo)
Don't ever go-o yea-heah
(Ah-ha-ha-haaa)
And she said: Johnny Darlin'
(WahAh-ah-ah hoo-oo)
Don't ever go-o yea-heah
(Ah-ha-ha-haaa)
And she said: Johnny Darlin'
(Johnny Darling)
Don't ever go-o-o-oooo
(Oo-oo-oo-oooooooooo)

16. No, No Cherry

Well I found out baby
You told me a great big lie
Well I found out baby
You told me a great big lie
'Cause when I got inside
You didn't have no cherry pie

Well you had no, no cherry
(No, no cherry)
No, no cherry
(No, no cherry)
No, no cherry
(No, no cherry)
No, no cherry
(No, no cherry)
You had no, no cherry
No, no cherry pie

Well you had me fakin' baby
Made me lose my pride
Well you had me fakin' baby
Made me lose my pride
'Cause I caught you lying
'Bout what you had inside

And you had no, no cherry
(No, no cherry)
No, no cherry
(No, no cherry)
No, no cherry
(No, no cherry)
No, no cherry
(No, no cherry)
You had no, no cherry
No, no cherry pie

No no
No no
No no
No no
Cherry
Cherry
Pie-ie-ie-ie

17. The Man From Utopia

Well, this is the story of a man who lived in UtopiaPistoia
This is the story of a man who lived in UtopiaPistoia
He was a funny little fella with feet just like I showed ya

Well, he had a girl, her name was Mary Louand Tony got her it for him
Well, he had a girl, her name was Mary Loubut Sinobbio Sanavio says he got it
She He did everything for him that she could do

But still (still), still (still), still he wouldn't treat her rightlocked her in the bathroom
But still (still), still (still), still he wouldn't treat her rightlocked her in the bathroom
He would leave in the morning, don't come back till late at nightThen he took her to Milan and locked her in the hotel too

Ahh, Mary Lou (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)
Oh child you big fool (big fool, big fool)
Ahh, Mary Lou (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)
Oh child you big fool (big fool, big fool)
You did everything for him that you could do (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)

18. Mary Lou

I'm going to gonna tell you a story about Mary Lou
I mean the kind of a girl who make a fool of you
She'd make a young man groan and a poor man pain
The way she took my money was a cryin' shame
Mary Lou—she took my watch and chain
Mary Lou—she took my diamond ring
Mary Lou—she took my Cadillac car
Jumped in my Kitty and then drove afar/to Milan

Well, she picked up from Georgia, moved to Kalamazoo
Made her a fortune outa fools like you
Met her a rich man who was married and had two kids
She stoked that cat until he flipped his lid
Mary Lou—she took my watch and chain
Mary Lou—she took my diamond ring
Mary Lou—she took my Cadillac car
Jumped in my Kitty and then drove afar

Well, she came back to town about a week ago
Told me she was sorry she had hurt me so
I had a '55 Ford and a two dollar bill
The way she took that man she gave me a chill
Mary Lou—she took my watch and chain
Mary Lou—she took my diamond ring
Mary Lou—she took my Cadillac car
Jumped in my Kitty and then drove afar

Mary Lou (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)
Oh child you big foolAnd ? Bernardo too (big fool, big fool)
Ahh, Mary Lou (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)
Oh child you big fool (big fool, big fool)

You did everything for him that you could do (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)
You did everything for him that you could do (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)
You did everything for him that you could do

FZ: Awright, thank you for coming to the show, good night

All compositions by Frank Zappa except as noted
Site maintained by Román García Albertos.
http://globalia.net/donlope/fz/
Lyrics from the original albums
Original transcription for new material from St. Alphonzo's Pancake Homepage mainly by Hans Hendriks and Patrick Neve
Further corrections and additions by Román, Bossk (R), Patrick Neve, Niall Brennan, Derek Milhouse Gilger, Charles Ulrich, David Millman, Stu Mark and David van Gelder
This page updated: 2016-05-27

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